Disclaimer: I do not own Nintendo, or Super Smash Bros.
Author's Note: Smashville In Time is the third story in a series, though this is an acceptable point to begin reading if you would like. It will spoil the past two stories for you, so I strongly recommend you first read Smashing Shenanigans, and then The Timeless Tale of Smashville's Finest if you would like to go in order, but you could always go back and read them later if that's not an issue but still you enjoy my writing style.
The chapters for this series will be written in a serialized format, with the majority of storylines coming in two to four parts, so as to better develop the story and divide the reading into more manageable blocks. I will also be using a more dedicated editing process than I have used in the past, to allow myself to better pace myself and improve the quality of my work. Not to beg for reviews, but I would like to request thorough criticism on my writing, to tell me what I'm doing right and what I am not. And remember Wheaton's Law, please. Thank you.
SMASHVILLE IN TIME
This week's "yucky breath surprise" looked as safe and appealing as last week's- completely un-. The prisoners moved their trays along and accepted their lunch with little more than hunger on their minds. They had to settle for the prepared lunches, as the prison wardens had become aware of the slowly thinning mattresses and sudden development of rabies among the prisoners. Most of those who had been affected insisted to their respective inner circles that the cotton stuffing in the mattresses was much more appetizing than the "yucky breath surprise," and infinitely less smelly. Its health benefits had yet to be seen.
But despite the tasty cotton and definite future asbestos poisoning, Marth longed for his freedom. It had been ninety-one days since the Asshole Squad (that's what everyone called them) had been arrested on that fateful Christmas Eve, for their various reasons. Pika Prison was dull. There was no budget at all. The government did not send money since it was not a government owned police force, and all of the prison's money came from donations. Since the mayor was the only one to make donations, in a completely unusable currency nonetheless, there was next to nothing that could be bought. The building itself was only attained when the Pika Police arrested the previous owner. (Old Tortimer finally kicked the bucket just two weeks prior, after falling from the top of the fence on his seventy-third escape attempt. His body sat where it was for three days, until it was eventually picked up and used to flavor the next batch of yucky breath surprise. Protesters were forced to go without eating the meal. Presumably, they would starve and their corpses would be used in the subsequent batch.)
Marth took his seat at the usual table, with the usual crew. There was Wolf, the hyper-aggressive canine with a bad attitude and a tongue as sharp as his claws- he was the punisher. Then there was Lucario, the reserved one. He left people alone all while secretly learning everything about everyone. He was the intelligence. The third of them was Captain Falcon, the idiot. He was the reason they were in prison to begin with, more or less. Marth was the strength and the reason, himself. No one quite understood how the four got along. Not even they themselves could figure it out.
"I can't take it any longer," said Wolf, as he thumped the yucky breath surprise with his middle claw. It jiggled and growled before collapsing into a liquid. "This food is awful. Big Teddy has been staring at me all week. The wardens keep shocking me when I walk by. And that damn camera is looking right at us, again." The four glanced up at the camera, which conveniently enough seemed to realign itself to look at Old Joe Toothpick and his pet soccer ball.
Wolf leaned in close and whispered to his friends: "It's about time we bust out of here."
#1: PIKA PRISON, PART 1
Pika Prison held twenty-seven prisoners at the time, in only six cells (once again, budget). Generally, when new prisoners came along, they were dumped into whatever cell had been making the most noise at the time. This, of course, put the noisy cells at a disadvantage, as with more people came more volume. The Asshole Squad as a whole was not very loud, but Captain Falcon proved to be problematic in that regard. The level of enthusiasm that he showed for every possible subject made him prone to shouting his excitement to the world. It annoyed not only the wardens, but also the other prisoners. Sometimes they attempted to beat him up, though Captain Falcon was capable enough in fights to handle himself. If things ever got too difficult for him to handle, Captain Falcon was pulled from the circle of angry prisoners by his caretaker, Wolf.
Cell #4 was home to five prisoners: Marth, Wolf, Captain Falcon, Lucario, and Brick. Brick was fairly unhappy to be stuck with the Asshole Squad, mostly because it forced him to put up with Captain Falcon. He would often join the "beating circles," and was usually the reason Wolf had to step in. Brick was a very large man with a bushy brown beard and an afro, with piercing black eyes that were almost offensive all their own. His arm muscles were roughly the size of a small aircraft, and he wore tight-fitting black v-necks every day. His shoulder-to-hip ratio was about 2:1, and it was unlikely that he weighed any less than five-hundred pounds from sheer muscle. Despite Brick's rough appearance, Lucario insisted he was a nice guy.
When Brick overheard Wolf's escape talks, it became clear that he wanted in. Wolf feared being ratted out, and had little choice but to let Brick in on the escape plan.
"I've been thinking it over for ages," Wolf whispered among them, as he curled up on top of an olive green sleep mat in the floor and pulled a filthy piece of folded paper from his Hey You Pikachu themed pillowcase.
"Now, we know that trying to fight the Pika Police is a lost cause," he explained. "They'll just outnumber us. That means we're going to rely on stealth to get out of here, which is why Captain Falcon is going to be the diversion."
"Diversion?" Captain Falcon asked.
"Yeah," replied Wolf.
"What's that?" asked Captain Falcon.
"You draw everyone's attention away from us," Wolf told him.
"How do I do that?"
"Very easily," Wolf said snarkily. "Alright, the plan starts at one o'clock tomorrow, outside during our exercise block."
"HEY, DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY TOILET PAPER?!" Captain Falcon shouted in the courtyard surrounded by twenty feet of prison walls adorned in barbed wire, emerging from the outhouse with his pants completely removed. (There were no orange jumpsuits like in normal prisons, because those cost money, a luxury that could not be afforded by Smashville. Rather, prisoners made their own clothes out of newspaper and letters from family.)
"Come on man, fix yo pants!" shouted Blue Bill the Titty Twister, who got his namesake by attempting to play Twister with women's bodies based on the color of their shirts. He was nicknamed 'Blue' Bill after the color of the last shirt he touched, that of his own mother.
"I JUST NEED SOME TOILET PAPER, SOMEONE HELP!" Captain Falcon cried, running up to a circle of basketball players who wanted nothing to do with him.
Old Tooth the Toothless screamed, "Piss off, Doug!" He proceeded to lob the basketball at Falcon's stomach, knocking the pilot onto the ground. Captain Falcon crumpled up on all fours, blinding the players. The Pikachus were soon hearing an army of complaints out of other prisoners, and they began to make a beeline for the moonlight.
At this moment, Wolf and Marth were scaling a small inner wall around the corner, where the wardens normally sat and watched over the exercise taking place while discussing politics and their latest affairs. On top of the roof, the two climbers had a somewhat better view of the area, though they could see little more than the exercise courtyard. They could almost see over the outer wall of Pika Prison, but it was higher up still.
"Ready?" Marth asked, looking over to Wolf.
"Ready," responded Wolf with a nod. Marth knelt down and held his arms out, allowing Wolf to step into his hands. Marth flexed his muscles before thrusting Wolf through the air with as much strength as he could muster. The airborne canine propelled himself through the air with much grace and just barely managed to grab onto the outer wall without scraping himself on the electric barbed wire. Wolf reached up and severed the wire with his claw.
"Here come the pants," said their accomplice Lucario from below. Wolf looked down as Lucario threw up Captain Falcon's unworn pants, and he caught them by the ankle. Wrapping his paw in the pants, Wolf gripped the wire.
"Here we go," he said. Letting go of the wall, Wolf proceeded to rip the wire from the fence and swing down to the ground with it, effectively creating an unsupported climbing rope of barbed wire. He planted his feet on the ground with a satisfying grassy crunch and turned to his friends. Captain Falcon was still on the ground, though he was now repeatedly being shocked by angry and inestimable prison wardens. Marth, Lucario, and Brick were on their way towards Wolf and the wire.
"Did you get the wall staples?" asked Wolf to Brick. Pika Prison had a small supply of wall staples, confiscated from a former prisoner that got himself arrested for kidnapping, stealing the instrument of, and impersonating a celebrity for three years. Lucky, as he was known, died after getting his leg eaten by the resident cannibals, whose identities were, and still remain, a mystery. This is, of course, one of the many motivations for the numerous escape attempts that have occurred at Pika Prison.
"I had the pilot over there get them for me," admitted Brick. The three looked to Captain Falcon, and saw the wall staples clutched in his hands.
"Well," sighed Marth. "This could be a problem."
"I'll get them off of him," said Wolf with a sigh. He jogged towards the circle of assailants.
"I found his pants, everyone!" he revealed in an attempt to divert their attention. Nobody seemed to notice that he had said anything, and continued to torment the screaming F-Zero pilot.
"Hello?" he asked. Once again, nothing. Wolf proceeded to crawl under the wardens and take the wall staples from Captain Falcon's hand, completely ignored, and walk back over to Brick, Lucario, and Marth. Brick took the wall staples and proceeded to immediately smash them into the wall, securing the wire in place. Ripping the pants in half, Wolf wrapped both of his paws and began to climb to the top, quickly scaling the wall and dropping the paper pants down to Marth, who quickly followed.
"What do we do about Falcon?" asked Lucario to his friends.
"I figured they would have let him up by now," said Wolf. Lucario then scaled the wall within seconds. Next, Brick began to make his way up the wire, but his large size and impressive weight were quite a lot, too much for the wall staples to hold down. They quickly popped out and flew through the air towards the wardens, and the wire began to tear at the top of the wall. Quickly, Wolf and Marth grabbed the wire to try to hold Brick up as he continued his climb.
"HEY! They're trying to escape!" pointed out New Tortimer. Several dozen heads whipped around, and suddenly the wardens let off Captain Falcon and charged towards Brick and the others. Almost to the top, Brick extended his hand to Wolf. Suddenly, the wardens jumped up and grabbed Brick. Wolf, Lucario, and Marth all gripped Brick's arm and began to pull against the wardens, but the wardens were much too strong. Ripping Brick away and back onto the ground, the wardens proceeded to gnaw on the wire until it fell apart, and then whip Brick with it.
"GO ON WITHOUT ME!" Brick shouted from the ground at them, screaming in the pain from the barbed wire assault.
"We have to help him!" said Wolf.
"There's nothing we can do for him," said Marth gravely.
Captain Falcon suddenly cried, "FALCON PAUNCH!" A dozen wardens were quickly wall stapled by a mighty punch. He turned to his peers and shouted at them.
"Today is the day we rise up! Today, the Pika Prison will be no more! Fight with me, brothers, and we shall enter a new age with no more police brutality!"
"Haha, gay!" shouted 100% Heterosexual Pete. All the prisoners above the age of fifty laughed at this comment, while the younger, more liberal generation scoffed at him.
"Don't be so hateful!" shouted Old Joe Toothpick, who kicked his pet soccer ball into 100% Heterosexual Pete's jaw. Within seconds, an all-out brawl had begun between the two generations, and Captain Falcon continued to wall staple the Pikachus.
"Falcon, quick! Get up here!" shouted Wolf to his friend. All of the wardens had been wall stapled, and Captain Falcon turned to Brick.
"Come on, let's get out of here," Captain Falcon suggested, extending his hand.
"It's too late for me," answered Brick, pointing to his ankle. Looking down, Captain Falcon noticed the wall staple that had been planted in the dirt, securing Brick in place.
"Help me get this thing off!" Falcon requested, before beginning to pull on the wall staple. It did not budge.
"Hurry up, Falcon," grunted Brick. "They're about to break free." Looking over, Falcon noticed the wardens were indeed beginning to free themselves from their wall staples. In defeat, the racer turned and ran towards the corner of the wall where he friends awaited his escape. He jumped up and launched himself away from one side of the wall, before gripping the top of the other and pulling himself up. He turned and looked down towards Brick, who was being further wall-stapled by the liberated wardens.
Captain Falcon dramatically shouted, "I WILL FIND YOU!"
"March 25, 1:35 P.M., Pika Prison in Smashville," read off Fox to his friends in the console room of the time machine. Fox had created it from many terrible pieces of equipment, including cheap TVs and keyboards and toilets, though he had recently modified it into a very sleek looking machine, complete with wheels and cameras around the outside, along with built in television, Wi-Fi, and Netflix. Sitting behind him in the seats taken from an old Jeep salvaged from the dumpster were his three time traveling companions: Meta Knight, Ike, and Snake.
Meta Knight had signed up to become his roommate only days ago, but circumstances led to them running off in the time machine without actually staying together.
Ike caused these circumstances, by chasing Fox for stealing his Baconator, then jumping into the time machine to go back to the theft and taking the Baconator for himself. Perhaps a complete paradox, Ike caused the circumstances of his causation.
Snake had stowed away inside the time machine for an undisclosed amount of time as he lived with a tribe of squirrels (the entirety of which died from unknown causes), and did not reveal himself until he collapsed through the roof after a rough travel.
"Just out of curiosity, why did you want to go here?" asked Fox to Meta Knight.
"You remember the Asshole Squad?" Meta Knight asked.
"I do!" Snake cheered. "We're total bros."
"Yeah, I remember them," said Fox.
"Well, from what I understand, they helped me out in an alternate reality, so we kind of owe it to them to get them out of jail," Meta Knight said.
"Whoa whoa whoa," Fox started, jumping up from his seat. "You're not suggesting a prison break?"
"I'm not?" Meta Knight asked. "Come on, we've done worse."
"Like what?" asked Fox.
"Entering our own timelines and stealing from our past selves," Meta Knight said. "Ike."
"Chase you across town with murder in mind," Snake added. "Ike."
"Became God and condemned a man to an eternity of paddling," Meta Knight reminded. "Ike."
"Convinced me to blow up a building and kill a bunch of people," recalled Snake. "Ike."
"Let's all just shit on Ike!" Ike defended.
Snake said, "That's pretty gross. But I'm into that." Ike smacked him away as he neared.
"Look, I'm just saying, it's a lot of stuff," Meta Knight noted. "Would it really be so bad to break a few guys out of jail? As a favor?"
"Fine," said Fox. "But letting Captain Falcon run freely around Smashville again may be the most destructive thing we've done yet."
"That you know of," whispered Ike. Fox did not hear this statement, and reached over to press the big red button that was disappointingly enough not labeled "Time Travel Button." The machine began to wheeze and whoosh before depositing itself on the ground somewhere within the prison.
"Alright, get in and then get out," Fox said, removing himself from his seat and opening the door.
"They've completely crushed him!" said a bloody-nosed tortoise as they stepped out from the time machine.
"PIKA PI! (Hands in the air, criminals!)" shouted a Pikachu, pointing a gun at them. The four of them raised their hands above their heads in submission (Meta Knight as best as he could). Turning to look over his shoulder, Fox noticed a pair of feet sticking out from underneath the time machine, one of which was intentionally fastened to the ground at the ankle with what appeared to be a large staple.
TO BE CONTINUED
In the next part: As the Asshole Squad adjusts to life outside of prison, the time travelers must adjust to life on the inside.