I'm a big fan of the Harry Potter series and I hope this will make you smile.
Mr and Mrs Dursley of number four, Privet Drive, Somewhere in England, Continent of Europe, Planet Earth, Milky Way Galaxy were somewhat normal thank you very much. No seriously, I would like to thank you for reading this far into the story even after you realized it wasn't a One Direction/ Twilight crossover fanfiction. After the couple spent years auditioning for talent competition tv shows they realized they didn't want to be famous. At least that was what they told everyone, in truth Simon Cowell had banned them from auditioning ever again after they broke into his house so they could perform a wheels on the school bus mashup with an assortment of angry rap music. So they had been forced to settle down and live normal lives with the exception of posting nursery rhyme songs combined with Eminem on their youtube channel and myspace account (yes it still exists) titled, We totally have no magical connections or a nephew named Harry Potter. They were up to seven subscribers five of them who were Harry Potter fangirls with number six being the gecko from the geico commercial and the seventh was Burger prince, who was still moping over the fact that his brother was king and enjoyed the comic relief. Mr Dursley had taken a day job as the director for a company called Grunnings that made "drills and also dreams", he was convinced that it was a good slogan and that was why he plagiarized it. His night job was as a superhero named metal man (not iron man because that's copyrighted). This job involved him roaming the streets of Privet Drive wearing tinfoil along with a bunch of coins superglued to himself shouting Justice has been served you foul ruffians! Mrs. Dursley (when she wasn't helping her husband remove the coins he had superglued to himself) spent her days as a wannabe spy. She often lurked and eavesdropped in corners along with listening to private conversation. All the recon was then reported to other women of the neighborhood. In other words she was a horrible gossip. They had a young son named Dudley who they hoped would take after their dreams of stardom as he showed much diva potential in his hissy-fits and temper tantrums over not getting another sweet. None of the Dursleys noticed the large owl that carried epic foreshadowing. Perhaps they chose not to notice it. You see, the Dursleys lived in the sure paranoia that it was the Potter's fault they had never been able to make it in the music business. It started after Petunia and Lily had an argument about the age old question, Edward or Jacob? Petunia and Vernon formed dozens of ideas that the Potters were out to get them. These ideas soon became conspiracy theories that the entire wizarding world was out to get them and that's why they could never make it in the music business. Note, none of these theories featured the fact that a) they were bad singers, b) their taste in music was bad c) their tacky wardrobe and fashion sense (nobody wants to watch adults dress up as beloved cartoon characters) or d) their overestimation of the popularity of yo-gabba gabba. While Petunia made breakfast, Vernon looked out the window and was surprised to see people in neon colored cloaks. He came to the conclusion that this was one of either two things. Either they had been inspired by his musical looks and stylings from his younger days or they were criminals! He quickly called in sick to work and put on his metal man tights. He hopped into his metal man mobile, which in reality was a silver plastic car the type five year olds often drive in. It was supposed to be a present for Dudley but Vernon had claimed it his and sloppily painted MM on it. He then began cruising the streets at the speed of five miles per hour. Vernon soon noticed a tabby cat and ignored the fact that it seemed to be reading a newspaper but rather barked at it because it was on the verge of trespassing. The cat seemed to be amused by him but nevertheless walked away. That was it, a purple faced Vernon stepped out of the car angry at the cat for jaywalking. He got out his plastic water squirt gun and yelled Freeze you lowlife Criminal! The cat seemed scampered off and Vernon smiled, at the safety of Privet Drive. He went home to tell Petunia the good news, who better news to share.
"Great news Vernon," she practically screamed.
"The Beliebers won the debate against the Directioners?"
"You know I don't like talking politics! We've gained another subscriber"!
Later that night, a not at all mysterious and strange man by the name of Albus Dumbledore appeared on Privet Drive. He knew he was not welcome but instead came to gloat of his apparent success on Ukraine's Got Talent, while Metal Man was napping on what he thought was a legit steakout.