Custructive critisism is much appreciated. Thank you so much for reading my story!
Disclaimer: All characters that you reconize and all things Narnia belong to C.S. Lewis.
What it is like to be alive. It is a wonderful feat, really, to even be chosen to live. Of all the people that could have been chosen, of all the me's that could have been me, I was put on the Earth with the life I have.
If I know it is so wonderful, than why do I doubt it?
My head knows it's a wonderful thing but my heart wants it to stop, to go back in time and pick another me to live, one that can take it all without feeling like they are drowning.
Because really that's what's happening to me, isn't it? I am drowning in all of my feelings and brokenness, swimming in the shards of my life without knowing how to push myself up.
Breaking from my thoughts, I realized I was setting up, not remembering actually doing the act. This happens to me often in my dreams, or lack thereof. I used to not know the difference between resting and sleeping.
I haven't truly rested in years.
The lights were all out in my room and the curtains were rustling softly, being caressed by the wind in a way I longed for. I could barely see their slight movement in the dim moonlight. I had left the window open again.
Running my fingers through my hair, I slowly got up, creaking and popping like I was much older than mid-twenties. I felt like every part of me had lived a thousand lives.
The walk to the tall window was slow and soft, taking an eternity, yet only a few seconds at the same time. It was automatic, as if I had no control over my legs once I had told them where to go. This seemed to be a habit now.
Once I finally arrived at the window I moved to shut it, but stopped quickly once I saw the stars shining overhead. It reminded me of my family. They all loved the stars. It seemed like they used to shine so much brighter.
"God, Aslan, anyone." My voice was hoarse, thick with emotion I had tried to bottle up, without success. "If you can hear me, please listen. Please let me see my family again. Please let us all be together, in the end." I wasn't expecting to say anything at all, but once I had I couldn't stop myself from waiting for an answer.
There wasn't one. I shouldn't have been surprised.
I reached up to wipe off the gentle tears that had fallen down my face. In a different life I was called gentle by everyone. It was a title I wore as a badge of honor, but those days were buried with the bodies of everyone I loved.
Reaching the bed, I lowered myself in, curling up like a small child. I hummed myself a lullaby I used to sing to my sister, when she was still around.
Now I only sing it to myself.