A/N; Hoo. Been a while, hasn't it? Hey gang. Sorry for the long siesta. IRL beckoned as my life temporarily descended into hell. I am sorry particularly about never getting back to Haría Todo Por Ti. I am sorry to say this, but I will probably never finish it. The inspiration for it came from my life, and my life went a very bad place in the last few months, so I no longer really have the heart to complete it. Perhaps someday.

In the meantime, we've left winter behind and progressed to summer! I love summer. I can only live in warm temperatures. With summer comes the end of school, the start of three straight months of goofing off, and, naturally, the season for crack fic. Lately I have constantly been listening to the song Oh Oh Oh Sexy Vampire by Fright Ranger, which I highly encourage you to seek out and download if you want something happy, sugary, and bouncy to make you smile. I've felt compelled to write crack fic based off it for weeks, and here it is. This is the first of a few pairings, actually. Axel/Roxas and Roxas/Axel (yes, you read that right) will be the second and third chapters, respectively. After that, I plan to branch out fandom and pairing wise, to Phoenix Wright, and my new obsession, Pandora Hearts. If you have an OTP you'd like me to crack fic to this theme, leave a review telling me which! If I don't know the fandom I'll have to pass, but if I do, I'll try my best. My other main fandoms are DGM, Supernatural, FFVII, and Harry Potter.

Anyway, enjoy! Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts. But if I did ... I probably wouldn't change much, except to make the goddamn narrative in KH2 make sense.

It was a dark night. A dark and stormy night. Irritatingly enough. Axel hated nights like this. They made him think of really terrible literature and Roxas smirking at the way he'd trudge in looking like a wet, put-out puppy. It wasn't his fault rain was so ... wet. And cold. And wet.

Grumbling quietly and puffing out a breath, Axel buried his hands deeper in his pockets, ducked his head against the pounding rain, and picked up the pace. Of all nights, he'd chosen tonight to stay late working at the computer lab, banging away at his final paper for his utterly inane 19th Century Writers seminar. At one point he'd actually gotten so frustrated he reached out and shook his monitor hard enough to alarm the computer lab attendant into kicking him out. "It's really not my fault so many of these writers are so bad," he grumbled, scowling as he blew a raindrop off the top of his nose with a hard breath. "They just suck. Florid prose, pages and pages of shit absolutely no one cares about ... at least Stoker chose an interesting subject." That made a smirk sneak across his face as he ducked underneath the awning of a darkened convenience store. "Vampires. That's fun shit."

Pushing back his hood, Axel shook out his red spikes and swiped a hand over his face, spreading and wiping away the rainwater. He continued to smirk faintly as he dug through his pockets for his mangled pack of cigarettes.

"Dead chicks, blood suckers, stakes to the heart ... none of that Hester Prynne or 'Call me Ishmael' crap." Digging his lighter out of his other pocket, Axel lit the crumpled cigarette tucked between two fingers and took a long drag. "The movies were a little more fun. That Lucy could drink my blood any time." His smirk turned a little thick as he breathed the smoke out through his nose.

The 19th Century Writers seminar had been taken on a mix of a whim and a necessary evil. He had to take the freshman writing seminar he'd put off all these years, and the books on the list had seemed interesting at first. Of course, the first book they'd read had been The Scarlet Letter, and Axel instantly regretted and loathed his choice. Roxas, when informed of Axel's malcontent, had thrown a copy of A Tale of Two Cities across the room at him.

"Don't make me add War and Peace," he'd warned, expression stormy. Axel immediately resolved to stop bashing literature around Roxas. Who, after all, was an English major.

But he had managed to convince his best buddy to sit down to a round of Dracula films with him after they finally reached Bram Stoker on the author list. Because what the hell was better than a round of awesome and awesomely shitty vamp films? The ladies were always hot, the Draculas always menacing, and the expression on Roxas's face as the movies got increasingly awful always hilarious. The best moment had come when Axel popped Dracula 2000 in the DVD player. Roxas had refused to speak to him for three days afterwards, and only broke the silence by whapping Axel on the back of the head with a copy of, fittingly enough, Crime and Punishment.

"Little bitch," Axel murmured, grinning around his half-gone cigarette.

"Excuse me?"

Axel blinked. In front of him was a pretty young woman, ducky-patterned umbrella poised perfectly over her head against the rain, red hair swinging over the long, soft scarf that trailed into her dark jacket.

"That ... wasn't directed at you."

"I hope not," the girl said with a smile. "I might have to do something about it. Axel, right?"

Pushing himself off the convenience store's door and arching a brow, Axel looked the girl over from bright yellow rain boots to bright blue eyes. "Yeah? Do I know you?"

"I'm Kairi," she replied with a laugh. "I'm in your 19th Century Writers seminar?"

Axel just stared. "I'm pretty sure I've never seen you before."

Cocking her head innocently, Kairi took a step forward, shutting her umbrella as she moved under the safety of the store's awning. "Pretty sure you just weren't paying attention. Don't you remember the other day when we had that debate over the purpose of the female vampires' actions in the novel?"

Axel just stared at her, letting the cigarette drop from his fingers to smolder on the sidewalk. Kairi gave a soft sigh and a concerned frown, taking another step forward and placing her fingertips lightly on his chest. "Axel, are you feeling okay? You're acting a little weird."

"Lady, I don't know you." For some reason, the words came out a little thick. He couldn't stop staring into her eyes. So, so blue. Bright, shining, ocean blue. He felt like he could look into them forever. So entranced was he that he couldn't even hate himself for the second literary trope of the night to pop into his mind.

For her part, Kairi said nothing. She continued to stare at him, eyes wide in her head, and her fingertips against his chest suddenly felt cold. She leaned up on tip toes to whisper something into Axel's ear, and abruptly his entire world went black.

Okay, that hadn't been terribly subtle. Kairi sighed heavily as she whisked Axel's unconscious body into the alley next to the store, checking his pulse and his pupils to be sure he was stable. The charm should have worked flawlessly. Plenty of victims in the past had recalled with ease the lies she told them, succumbing in an instant to the classic mesmer she could cast just by looking in their eyes.

All except for this one. He was strangely strong-willed. Great, she thought sourly. I choose the one guy who can actually resist my powers. Of all the nights! I should have just gone home. As it was, she couldn't risk his spreading her name and causing trouble for her. They did actually attend the same college, unfortunately enough for her, and if he started spreading the word that some creepy girl had come up to him talking crazy, she'd have to face more than just social ruin. She'd already gotten in trouble once with the local coven for risking their security. There was no way she could risk it twice. Revealing herself to Sora had been way too risky!

But worth it, she thought wistfully. Her boyfriend would be dead asleep by now, likely knowing Kairi was either out late working on a project or hunting. Sora had taken remarkably well to her vampirism, only cocking his head, squinting at her in silence for a long moment, and then breaking out in a boyish grin and asking to see her fangs. Such a sweet boy, she reflected with a smile. Hauling Axel's body over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes, Kairi walked deeper into the alley, humming lightly to herself. She was only a minute away from one of the secret hideouts where the area vampires drained their victims. She'd take him there, feed, and be on her way in twenty minutes. Axel wouldn't remember a thing, and wake up in the hospital the next day with a bad headache and the easy diagnosis of passing out drunk. He'd go home with a warning to drink less, she'd be set on blood for the next week, and everyone would win.

For Kairi, draining humans of blood was never about the "hunt." Such ideas were outdated, archaic, and barbaric. She considered herself an "organic" vampire - one who fed naturally off the local stock, never took life, and lived fully integrated in society. Vampires were still hidden these days, despite some activists rumbling about it being time for a grand reveal, and a few rogue elements still went after their prey like a pack of lions after the weakest gazelle. All about the bloody tackle, the breaking, the kill. Vampires like that didn't even turn their victims, just savaged them and left scraps behind.

Kairi's lip curled as she rapped curtly and quickly on the door to the hideout, tapping out the correct code that would grant her access from the door guard. She hated vampires like that. Why make all the fuss, the mess? Not to mention it was terribly cruel. Kairi absolutely loved people and loved mingling with them -- even found their terrible stereotypes about vampires funny, if occasionally offensive. There was a reason she was training to be a nurse. Some of her vampire friends laughed at her for it, calling it hypocrisy, but Kairi wanted nothing more than to dedicate her life to taking care of others. That's why she worked so hard to be as humane as possible with her victims. No need for barbarism when she could take enough blood to last her a week and only leave her victim a little dizzy, with no scars and no memory of the incident. And if she could convince this college partier to stop drinking, well, all the better.

Not that she could be positive he partied. She'd only had the time to search his most immediate memories, nothing more than the past few hours. Still, he looked the type.

She gave Riku a brief smile and nod as he closed the door behind her and headed for the back room, with its warm lighting and single comfy couch. Scattered chairs and a table were even in there for times when a handful of the vampires just wanted to escape and talk where there was no risk of being overheard. But the couch, with its broad, lumpy cushions, made a perfect bed for all the victims that passed through.

Gently, Kairi set Axel's prone body down and sighed through her nose, propping her hands on her hips as she watched him snore away. He was quite loud. She couldn't help a small smile, watching him. He seemed like a nice guy. It was almost a shame she'd have to drink his blood and then check him into the hospital while acting the part of the concerned friend. She thought maybe, under different circumstances, they could really get along.

It took Axel a while to wake up. His head was pounding with the worst headache of his life, like he'd chugged buckets of booze and woken to a raging hangover. His first reaction on regaining consciousness was to groan and gasp, "aspirin."

A few white pills were immediately pressed into his hand, followed by a cool glass of water, and Axel took the pills without question. His still half-asleep mind wasn't quite grinding on all gears yet, so he automatically assumed Roxas was the one handing him the medication, as exasperated as ever that Axel had come home drunk yet again.

"Rox, kill the light, will ya? My head's killing me."

"Rox? Who's that?"

The voice was gentle, female, and inquisitive. About as anti-Roxas as a voice could ever get. Axel woke up in a real hurry, eyes shooting open the same time his whole body jumped upright and pressed into the back of the couch. "You!" he choked out,

"Me," Kairi agreed, smiling good-naturedly. "Hello there. You were out for a while! How's your head?"

Axel only spluttered in indignant outrage in reply, utterly lost for words for a good thirty seconds. "You -- you -- you roofied me!"

Kairi just stared at him. "I what?"

"You must have! How the hell did I end up here? What did you do to me?! Who the hell are you, crazy chick?!"

"Roofied? Roofied. I..." Far from being stunned by this accusation, Kairi instead screwed up her expression into a ridiculous smile and proceeded to burst out laughing. "Th-that's terrible! How could I even--?"

"I don't know! You tell me, crazy girl!"

"We were standing on a street! It's not like there were any drinks nearby!"

"So it was a magical roofie! Or an airborne one! I don't know!" Axel flailed his arms, scooting as far away from her on the couch as he could. "You did something!"

"I cast a charm on you," the girl laughed, not making a move to stop him. "Calm down. I'm not going to hurt you or anything."

Still breathing hard, nerves humming with adrenaline, Axel forced himself to still and sit in one place. "Okay, okay. Fine. Assuming I believe you, what do you want with me?"

Kairi simply smiled again. But this time, from behind normal canine teeth, longer, sharper fangs dropped down. Long, thin, and almost needle-like in their sharpness.

Axel actually pointed at her, arm fully outstretched and eyes as big as saucers. "YOU ARE A VAMPIRE."

Once again, Kairi burst out laughing. A flustered Axel had to take a moment to regain his composure and congratulate himself on his Captain Obvious moment. "It's not like I meet vampires everyday," he muttered, words going unheeded beneath her torrent of giggles.

"Yes, I am," she finally choked out, her words coming out with a slight hiss around her fangs, which pressed gently into her cherry red lips when she closed her mouth. "That's got to be better than a crazy airborne roofie girl."

"Only slightly," Axel murmured, suddenly staring at the girl across from him with new fascination. She was pretty and thin, and he had to admit, she looked hot with those fangs. And she was a vampire. A real, honest-to-god, in the flesh, right-here-right-now-holy-shit-awesome VAMPIRE. All of a sudden, Axel couldn't help a huge, puppyish grin. "No shit? You're really a vamp?"

"Vampire, and yes, I really am. What else could I possibly do to prove it to you?"

Suddenly in his element, Axel crossed his legs, propping his ankle on his knee, and cast out his arms to rest them on the back of the couch. Totally at his ease, he fixed Kairi with a thick, knowing grin. "You could get on with the seducing."

"I ... what?"

"Come on, isn't that what all female vampires do? You step out of the mist, bosoms heaving in those tight, corseted dresses, blood slipping down from the corner of your ruby red lips..." He leaned forward, his smirk reflecting the glint in his eye. "You press close to me and whisper into my ear, words I can't understand ... and then you sink your teeth in, deep, taking me for everything I have and wringing me dry, until I have nothing left to give."

For a moment, the room was silent. Kairi simply stared at him, blinking once or twice. Axel just kept grinning.

Finally, Kairi let her lip curl, just a bit. "Ew."

Axel deflated like a popped balloon, looking incredibly put out. "Come on! Shouldn't you be wearing something like a sexy corset and hoopskirt with red and black frills?"

Kairi merely cocked a brow a brow at him, crossing her own legs in a decidedly more feminine manner. "... you've thought way too much about these fantasies of yours. Just how many vampire movies do you watch?"

"Way, way too many," he sighed with a satisfied grin. "I drive Roxas crazy. You know about my seminar, somehow -- we read Stoker's Dracula a little while ago. Loved it, watched the movies, got the shitty t-shirt."

Kairi rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry I'm not what you were expecting, but I'm not going to seduce you. I'm just--"

"Not even a little?" He looked so hopeful Kairi had to laugh again. But to his total shock and to her own mild surprise, she actually stood from her seat and strode over, hips swinging. Startled, Axel sat up ram-rod straight, planting both feet firmly on the floor. This gave Kairi the opportunity to plop herself down right in his lap, straddling his knees and looping her arms around his neck. She lowered her eyelids and her voice and positively purred. "Like this?"

Axel's mouth snapped shut, opened, then snapped shut again. It suddenly felt like the temperature in the room had shot up about fifteen degrees. He shifted a little between her legs, his hands moving unconsciously to rest on her thighs. Kairi hummed approval deep in her throat, scooting forward until their hips locked together. "Tell me, Axel," she whispered in his ear, leaning forward so her chest pressed warmly against his. "How do they do it in the movies?"

It had definitely gotten a lot hotter. Axel swallowed hard, his hands now sliding slowly up her legs towards her waist, not so unconsciously this time. "A lot like this," he managed, though without any of the bravado from before.

"Hmmm? Is that so?" Kairi sing-songed the words, actually darting out her tongue to lick at the shell of his ear. She grinned broadly, unbeknownst to him, at the faint shiver she felt go through his body. Just to be mean - a little, tiny bit mean, since she never got to be mean - she ground her hips against his. He made a noise, a wanting noise, and sank down a little in his seat. The movement made Kairi fall against his body properly, her beasts pressing into his chest while her hips ground down against him. Axel let out a slow breath against her ear, finally regaining a little of his composure. "Yeah, that's so." Without bothering to ask permission, he pressed a long, wet, lightly sucking kiss against her skin.

She made a quiet noise in the back of her throat and shuddered. "Axel ... do you want to know what it feels like when I bite you?"

"Does it feel good?" He breathed the words hot and close against her slick skin, moving his lips down to the place where her throat met her shoulder, leaving feather light kisses along the way.

"It feels ... a lot like this." With no warning she leaned down and bit, sinking her fangs deep into the column of his throat. Axel choked, shuddered ... and immediately passed out, heavily drugged by the sedative in her fangs.

Kairi fed quietly, taking only a few minutes to draw the blood she needed. Once finished she gently extricated herself from him, coughing lightly as she rearranged her clothes and let Axel flop over onto his side like a rag doll. "I am, never, ever doing th--"

"Kairi."

Jumping about three feet in the air, Kairi whirled around to shoot a glare at the door guard, who had come to stand in the doorway. Riku's arms were crossed over his chest, and though his expression was straight, his eyes were bright and just a little crinkled with restrained laughter. "I don't think Sora would have appreciated that show."

"How long have you been standing there?!" She demanded loudly. Tugging self-consciously at her shirt, she turned half away from him, casting a glance back at Axel's prone form on the couch. He was, once again, snoring. "You mean he wouldn't have appreciated not being included." The corner of her mouth turned up in a crooked, appreciative smile. "He can be a little more ... interesting than he looks."

"I know," Riku said simply. Kairi's smile widened into a knowing grin that she fixed on him, and he stepped forward to ruffle her hair, finally letting a smile spread over his face. "Still, that's the first time I've seen you do that since ... well, since Sora."

"Yeah, I know," she said thoughtfully, propping a hand under her chin as she continued to watch Axel sleep. "I think I'll keep this one."

"That's two now, you know," Riku warned, bracing an arm on Kairi's shoulder and leaning on her lightly. She wrapped an arm around his middle in response. "Sora might start complaining it's getting crowded."

"Then you keep him," Kairi returned, grinning up at the taller man. "You probably like him too, if I know you."

"Maybe a little," Riku admitted, aqua eyes glinting as he turned his gaze from Kairi to the man snoring away on the couch. "His attempt at bravado was pretty funny. Sad, but funny."

Kairi giggled. "Exactly why I think he's a keeper. Besides, he wasn't susceptible to my charm. That means we couldn't plant any false memories anyway. He's in whether we like it or not."

"Good thing we like it then, huh?" Riku heaved a breath out through his nose, raising his eyebrows as he moved towards the couch, poking Axel on the cheek. Axel groaned, swatted his hand away, and rolled over to continue sleeping. The shift in positions revealed the smooth, pale skin of his neck, unmarred except for two bright red dots that would soon fade. "Wonder what he'll remember when he wakes up."

"It probably doesn't matter," Kairi murmured, moving to stand beside her friend. "It'll take days to convince him that any of the things that just happened weren't some crazy, drugged up dream, anyway."

"Probably."

Axel slept on, blissfully oblivious to the conversation taking place over his head. His dreams were full of a blue-eyed girl with a very low-cut shirt.