AN/Hello! I started writing this about two months ago and I'm happy to say it's finally finished. It's not great, but a few people have enjoyed it so here you go internet. We all know I don't own any of this stuff and I'm just a fan girl with too much time. On that note this, is an angsty slash filled story if you have a moral complication with: sex between Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy, cursing, mental health issues, mentions of rape, suicide attempts, self harm or violence or I suggest you turn back now….Still with me? Good, on with the show, take it away Harry.
Sometimes I wonder how I got here. Was this really how it was supposed to be? Was I not supposed to marry Ginny? Should I not have a gang of ginger children with my mother's eyes? When I wake being held by strong arms, pressed against his firm chest, I think this is exactly where I am meant to be this, is home.
"Good morning" his voice is rough with sleep; his breath on my neck makes me shiver.
"Mmmm I'm sleeping!" I protest as his member presses against my ass.
"Not all of you" he says running his hand down my chest.
"Not the important parts" he teases as his hand makes its way to my half erect limb.
"Always, the romantic." I say playfully shoving him away.
"But, you love me." He states pushing me on my back, and straddling across my hips in one quick motion
"I do?" I smile as his face inches closer to mine
"You better." he growls as our lips crash together.
It's not long, before all coherent thoughts are lost, hands and mouths seeking flesh, mount in to agonizing pleasure
"Stop teasing and just fuck me!" I all but scream, when I can't take it anymore
"Who is the romantic now love?" He laughs before conversations are cut to the most primitive of sounds and the world is lost to me again….
I wake panting, sticky and alone.
Draco's been gone for over a year now. Five years, five fucking years! I thought we were over all that bull-shit that had always seemed to get in the way of us being happy. We were going to get married; it was supposed to be forever. Then "I don't love you anymore." He says to me on my birthday, last year, before walking away.
Now I'm wakening in Ginny's guest room alone. I spend a lot of time alone now; I've become sort of a recluse after the war, but without Draco here getting out of bed almost seems pointless.
"You act like he fucking died!" Ron had screamed at me one afternoon a few months after Draco left "He left, get over it he didn't deserve you" Three hours later, I'd nearly bled to death on his sisters bathroom floor, despite multiple attempts on his part we have not spoken since.
I spell away the mess my dream has left behind. Shaking my head "Stop being pathetic Harry" I tell myself, as I get out of bed shuffling to the bathroom.
After reliving myself, I wash my hands, my face and spend a good amount of time studying my reflection. I do look pathetic. I don't think I was this thin even when I was being starved by the Dursleys. I can't remember the last proper meal I've eaten, or the last time I've slept well, without a potion. Oh, yes my potions, I think miserably, opening a drawer in the vanity. I've been prescribed most of these since the end of the war ,many of those at Hogwarts that night need a potion just to get them through the day. Post traumatic stress disorder they called it, my whole fucking life has been "traumatic stress" So I guess it doesn't surprise me. I'm supposed to take 4 different potions throughout my day and therapy twice a week, most days I don't, and I haven't been to therapy since I was released from St Mungos psychiatric ward . "Some hero I turned out to be huh?" I ask as I take the calming drought and the antidepressant.
A tune by an American Muggle band pops in my head "I'm not crazy 'cause I take the right pills everyday" I sing before I leave the bathroom. Food I need to eat then; I'll get dressed and do something with my day, instead of curled up in bed. It seems like a good plan.
Having breakfast with Ginny is a struggle. Draco and Ginny had become
practically best friends over the years we we're together.
She tries not to bring up anything that would remind me of him, but when someone is part of your life for five years everything can spark a memory. When she walks I'm reminded of their cliff diving adventure 2 years ago, that ended with her left foot broken in several places, and a limp when it rains.
'He left a scar on her too' I think as she clears the dishes.
"I'm going to sell the flat" I say suddenly, it's like something finnly clicked together in my head, I've got to move on.
"What? But Harry…" she starts
"No, I haven't even been there in over a year….I need to start over Gin"
She smiles at me sadly, I hate that smile but I know she means well so I fake my own.
"I'm going to clean it up, take anything I need" I say as I'm
leaving the kitchen "Could you come with?"I add on quietly
"Ready when you are." She smiles again more brightly now and for the first time since Draco left, I think I might be okay someday.
The following year finds me in New York City things, had gotten better since, that day in Gin's kitchen. I could even say I have more good days then bad, but memories of Draco still haunt me, even 3,000 miles away
I almost didn't make the move, Ginny and I talked about it over for a long time. I knew I wanted to start over and I'd always wanted to go to America. I knew it was breaking her heart to watch me go, but she convinced me to leave in the end. Smiling with tears on her face she'd said "You deserve a good life Harry go find one. You can always come back."I haven't seen her now in six months, but when the city that never sleeps becomes lonely her voice on my phone always makes me smile.
Life is good for the most part. The gay scene here amazing and I met quite a few nice guys, but trusting them with my heart proves impossible. I'm enjoying muggle life, though I do visit some wizarding spots from time to time. It's nice not to be so famous and this is the closest to normal that I have ever felt, without Draco. I ditched the positions in favor of a muggle drug called Xanax ,that I only take when I can't handle a panic attack on my own. Also, I've got two jobs working retail, several new friends and quite the social life. My heart still hurts for Draco, especially on nights when I don't bring a pretty boy home with me from the pub or when the skies roar with thunder and flash with lightning or I wake up screaming and I've got no one to tell me I'm safe. On nights like this, like tonight, I'll take an extra dose of Xanax and pull the blankets over my head and hide from the world.
Content with this plan I slip out of bed, searching for my medication, cursing myself for not picking up a pack of cigarettes on my way home from work. I'm interrupted by a soft knocking on my door.
"Who the bloody fuck could be knocking on my door at 2AM" I throw open the door in only my shorts to find a dripping wet blond with storm colored eyes staring at me nervously. After a brief hesitation my fist collides with his jaw.
"Ah fuck!" I scream shaking my hand how the fuck did Hermione do that without breaking her hand! "Why are you here Malfoy, why the fuck are you here! Two fucking years and you just show up in a fucking different country" I'm crying now and I can't stop. I fall on the floor and pull my knees to my chest.
"Harry please just listen to me calm down before –"he's saying in that same voice that has followed me around for 2 years. It's too late for that, I can't breathe, my chest hurts, and 'Oh hell I'm going to die' I think for a moment before he presses a bottle in to my hand. My Xanax! Just a panic attack breath Harry" I tell myself as I take one of the pills and I don't throw him off when he pulls me into his chest, I let him to hold me till I can breathe again. Just a moment then I'll get him out of here let me just have this one last moment.
"Thanks" I finally whisper into his chest "but you've got to leave."
I make my voice flat, and try pulling away. He holds my wrist and I glare at him. In this light you can read the word 'FREAK' set in deep white scars, between my elbow and wrist, from that night Ron and my friendship ended. He runs the hand not holding me still over the word. "I'm so sorry Harry please just talk to me let me explain." He's crying I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen him cry and it breaks the walls I'm trying to build against him.
Our lips crash together he tastes of cigarettes and whiskey. It could have lasted seconds or hours, but when I find myself thinking 'I've missed him' I push him away again, anger takes over and I'm screaming again "No Draco! No! No! I don't love you anymore!" I pull away from him scrambling to my feet.
We're both standing now and I'm pushing him, shoving him, towards the door. "Isn't that what you said! Fuck you Harry! I only care about me! I'm Draco fucking Malfoy and I don't care what it does to you! I don't love you anymore! I don't care that it's going to practically kill you for me to leave like this! To leave without even a real explanation! I don't love you anymore, go ahead and die Harry! See if I give a shit cause I don't fucking love-"My rant is cut short as he slaps me.
"Shut up! I've never stopped loving you! Harry! I'm sorry please-"
He's screaming now too and the words he's saying aren't making any sense, before I know it I'm attacking him again he makes no moves to retaliate other then restrain me, but I know I will have bruises in the morning. He has me pinned to the floor now his shirt ripped open his lip bleeding and suddenly we're kissing, again, violent desperate kisses. I don't know how we get there but before I can stop it we're in my bedroom. Soon begging for him to fill me. He's quick to comply, and like the kisses it's violent and desperate and when we cum I feel alive for the first time in two years.
****AN/ Okay shut up harry let's hear from Mr. Malfoy.****
"Draco Malfoy you are under arrest for violation of law 1423.14, all branded with the Dark Mark are required to serve a minimum of 2 years in Azkaban." Weasley is actually smiling at me. He's about to destroy his best friends' life and he's too blinded by hate to even see it.
"Harry won't let you do this." Inside I'm shaking but my voice is smooth.
He laughs "Nothing Harry can do about it.
"It's been five years since the trials ended, why now? Why didn't they invoke this then." I question I'm trying to by time I don't have my wand and running would be pointless, but if Harry wakes up before Weasel takes me...
"Ah, well this is a new law, wrote it myself " He gives me another self satisfied smile.
"At least let me say goodbye to Harry." My voice is shaking now, this is really happening. I try to call out for Harry
Weasel binds and silences me and I crash to the floor. He rips out a large chunk of my hair. "I'll take care of that" he says before his boots assault my ribs.
"You ruined his life, turning him into a faggot. Letting him stay at home, he should have been an Auror with me" Is the last thing I hear, before I'm waking up on a stone floor in Azkaban. I crawl to my cot pulling a thin wool blanket over my head" For the first time in years I sob myself to sleep; sending a silent prayer, to any god willing to hear, that Harry would be okay.
Life in Azkaban is awful, I'm on a level with human guards, but the atmosphere is still thick with despair. Many of the guards think I got off easy,they make it a point to let me know. Ispend most of my first three months in the hospital wing; I think all of my ribs have been broken at least once. My incarceration is kept silent, so the guards feel free to treat me as they would like. I assume this is also the weasels doing; he did all of this just so I couldn't be with Harry, it's pathetic.
I read Harry's tried to kill himself on one of my visits to the hospital. I nearly destroy the hospital wing in blind rage at weasel, and desperation to be with Harry."You fucking bastard you're supposed to be his best friend and your actions nearly kill him." I'm screaming as I throw various medical supplies, when the medi witch hits me with a stunning spell, and my world goes dark.
Life in Azkaban gets better over time. Most of the guards grow bored of torturing me with in the first year; I still spend most of my time in the hospital wing, but as a student of sorts. When I'm released I'll be able to get licensed for my own medical degree, for that I am almost grateful. I would have never learned that I enjoyed medical work if not for this place, and a medi witch with a soft spot for me. I don't see anything in the papers about Harry after his suicide attempt; I think Madam Stout may be keeping any articles about him from me. In a way it's better I can imagine that he's doing well.
When I'm released I don't know where to go, I try the flat we had spent so many years in, but strangers answer the door, muggles, and they are of no help. I'm tempted to find weasel and strangle the life out of him forget the wand he's not good enough to use magic on, but finding Harry has to come first. I know Ginny will know, but facing her is going to be as hard as facing Harry. Half a pack of cigarettes later I'm knocking on her door. Hard is an understatement; two hours of dodging curses, verbal abuse, a dose of veritaserum and tears from both of us; she finally tells me where to find Harry. Another half a pack of cigarettes, two portkeys and a shot of fire whiskey later, I'm standing in front of Harry and he's punching me in the jaw. I'm tempted to make a joke about Granger having a better swing, but the joke won't help ease the tension. I help him through a panic attack, notating he's switched to muggle drugs. He's still trembling when he attempts to throw me out. I grab his wrist, my words get stuck as I read 'FREAK' carved into his arm. More tears spring to my eyes Merlin I've never cried so much in one day. "I'm so sorry Harry" I say running my free hand across the word. "Please just let me explain" I'm cut off with his moth on mine. The moment of bliss doesn't last, as he's screaming at me again within seconds.
The words hurt and he's wrong and I can't get a word in to explain, out of desperation
I slap him, it works in movies, I learn not so much here, as he attacks at me.
Everything happens too fast then. First we're fighting he splits my lip, and rips my shirt, I know I'll I'm going to leave bruises from the force it takes to restrain. Then we're kissing, I've got myself buried inside of him, I know we still have to talk but, I feel whole for the first time in two year.
For a long while we just lay across the bed, the room is quite with the exception of labored breathing and the sound of Harry's heart racing beneath my ear. Reality settles over us like a scratchy blanket, and the peaceful moment is lost by a whimper. I sit up; reaching to wipe away the tears clinging to his cheeks.
"Baby please don't." I say gently.
"No!" he growls at me pushing my hand away. He jumps out of the bed quickly, spelling
away the cum, now caked to our chests. "Harry please let me talk to you" I plead as
he begins pulling on his shorts. With a defeated sigh, he looks up at me from the pile of clothes he's digging through, pulling out a wrinkled T-shirt. "Draco, what could you possible say that would make this, okay?" "Nothing." I start, he tries to protest and I cut him off. "Nothing makes this okay, but will you just let me tell you what really happened. You deserve the truth and if you want me to leave then I will."
He considers me for a long time, "How do I know you're not going to lie?" he asks quietly "How can I trust you?"
"I'll take Veritaserm if you can't trust me." I offer "Ginny made me"
"You seen Ginny" he asks a bit shocked his lips twitch in slight amusement "and she
didn't kill you."
"Almost" I can't help but give him a small smile in return. "That's how I found you"
With another sigh he tosses me my shorts and one of his wrinkled t-shirts. "Alright, get
dressed I can't talk to you if your naked…. Do you have any
cigarettes?"
"Yeah there's a full pack in my jeans, I think, we lost them in the hall" I laugh a little, "I've only been here an hour and I have lost my pants."He just shakes his head, but I catch the slight grin as he walks away in search of the missing pants. I'm dressed when he returns; he steals a smoke from the pack and passes it to me, then settles himself a few feet away on the bed. "I don't have Veritaserm, but I will check with Ginny." He warns as I light my own cigarette and start my story.
**A/N okay well that's enough from Draco let's see what's going on from Harry's point of view**
I'm only half listening as Draco tells me Ron put him in Azkaban and I completely stopwhen I he tells me he never had a chance to say goodbye, I'm too busy fighting back nausea as my brain tries to make sense of what he is saying.
I must have been expected to make a reply as Draco's quite now. I look up at him. "Harry
that's the truth ask Gin I swear"
I swallow back the bile that's rising in my throat. "When did he take you?" I ask unsteadily
"July 15th, it was two years yesterday." He replies worried look crossing his face.
The nausea wins out and I rush to the bathroom, vomiting violently. "Oh gods, oh Merlin, oh Jesus" I mutter gagging again. I cross my arms over the toilet seat, and lay my forehead on them, some part of me that isn't completely lost, is glad I just cleaned the toilet. Draco's behind me soon, his fingers gently stroking back my hair.
"Harry, are you okay." He asks quietly. I shake my head in my arms a small sob escaping. I can't bring myself to speak and when I push myself away from the toilet and I try I just sputter "I- he –you"
"Shh come-on." He says gently pulling me off the floor, then back to the bedroom. He cleans my mouth out with a spell and sits me on the bed. I'm shaking uncontrollably now, I'm grateful for the medication still active in my blood stream at least I can breathe. Draco kneels in front of me, forcing me to look at him. "Harry talk to me please" he begs. I shake my head this is too much how can I tell him my side of things. "I just need to lie down; Draco just lay down with me for awhile." Tears threaten to fall again, I'm so sick of crying now. "Okay." He nods once. I know I'll have to say it soon, but I'm thankful he'll let it go for now.
We lay down ,and he pulls me close I burry myself in his familiar warmth as he pulls a blanket over us. My brain is on overdrive with all this information, and it's not long before I'm sobbing into him. He simply holds me as I cry, his hand runs gently across my spine, planting kisses and whispering nonsense words into my hair. This in its self causes me to sob harder. How many times has he held me like this, how many times has he missed holding me like this? All because of Ron, Ron who was my best friend, I should have known it's my fault I should have known.
"You left on my birthday" I say shakily into his chest.
"What?' he asks his hand stopping its path along my back. I push back from him, and sit up hugging my knees to my chest. "My 23rd Birthday-we spent the morning together-you said I don't love you anymore and left" Draco's not saying anything. And I hurry on "I'm sorry Draco I should have known he wasn't you, those two weeks we're so weird you didn't seem like you and well you weren't you, and after you left I thought it was because you didn't love me. I'm sorry Draco I should have known, if only by the awkward sex." I ramble on
"He had sex with you!" Draco growls and I flinch
"I'm sorry, Draco I thought he was you, it was awful and painful and please don't be mad at me I thought he was you and-"
"Shut-up!",
Draco cuts me off he grabs my chin forcing me to look at me "You listen to me Harry Potter, your being irrational. This is not your fault he fucking raped you, made you think I didn't love you, put me in jail and nearly killed you" He says gesturing to my arm. "This is not your fault, so don't you fucking dare blame yourself, do you understand me?"
He's shaking with rage and I can't help but pull back a bit. He runs his fingers across my jaw his voice lowering "I'm not mad at you, okay."
I nod, as everything finally starts making sense, it's not my fault, Draco didn't leave me Ron did this to me, to us, and he will pay for it. Not tonight though because, despite the high emotions I yawn. Draco kisses me softly. "Get some sleep love, the sun is nearly up, we can talk this out tomorrow."
"Are you going to stay?' I ask nervously
"For as long as you'll have me." He says lying down and pulling me with him.
"Always" I say resting my head on his chest
"Always it is then." Is his simple reply before I drift off into the first peaceful sleep I've had in a long time.
A/N and back to Draco
I feel a little bad about the sleeping charm I put on Harry, as he drifts off pillowed on my chest, but I don't think I can deal with another break down tonight. That low life ginger weasel fucking- he pretended to be me for two weeks he fucking lived my life just so he could hurt Harry enough…to make him think I didn't love him. A small part of me acknowledges the logic, if I'd had just disappeared, Harry would have looked for me, and being Harry freaking Potter he would have found me, this way he broke him. My blood boils again, I want to scream, revenge can't come soon enough, but I will not go back to Azkaban and the things I'd like to do to him would surly land me there for life. Harry lets out a whimper, rolling off my chest and facing away from me. I shift my own position, so I'm spooned against him, protectively wrapping an arm around him burring my face in his hair. I inhale deeply his sent, his body against mine, it stirs my emotions, it makes my heart hurt, all this time we've been apart, how the world has fucked us over once again.
"I'm sorry" I whisper into his raven locks "We'll fix this, Harry" I say holding him a little tighter. He let out a little noise of contentment that makes me smile, and soon I'm drifting off myself.
When I wake I'm alone. "Harry?" I call out to the empty room. I almost panic until I find a note lying nearby.
Draco,
Went to the store, when you're ready, meet me in the kitchen.
Harry.
I move to the bathroom it's humid in here, Harry must have showered recently. Catching my reflection in the mirror, I heal my split lip from last night's fight, other than that and a few scratches he hasn't done much damage. I'm a somewhat nervous, as I make my way to the kitchen. I stop in the doorway, and simply watch him unnoticed for a bit. He's got his feet pulled up on the chair, one arm rests across his knee balancing a white foam cup, I assume is filled with coffee, the other hand holds a cigarette that occasional makes its way to his mouth as he stares blankly at the cup. Despite his angsty position I can't help a small smile. Sitting here unguarded he is still gorgeous as ever. A conversation from our first days as friends suddenly plays in my head.
"I feel real with you Draco, you've always known I wasn't a bloody hero." He says one night as we sit by the lake. It is 8th year, and we've formed a sort of truce over a liking of menthol cigarettes and feeling we don't belong. "I don't have to pretend with you. With you I'm just Harry and I like that." That's where it all started that simple confession had meant everything to me. No one was unguarded with me, and here was a boy who had every reason not to trust me doing just that, it would be almost a year before I said it, but that night, is when I fell in love with him. Now over seven years later and traveling through a river of shit, I'm standing in the doorway to his kitchen still absolutely in love with him.
A/N and now Time for Harry to wrap it up.
"I love you."
"What?" I ask startled from my thoughts as Draco pads into the kitchen.
"I love you." He replies taking my chin and stealing a kiss.
"Oh." I blink at him "Why?"
He laughs shaking his head "Because, I do."
I blush now looking away "I love you too. I got you coffee and there are pasties in that bag" I say gesturing to the things on the table. "and cigarettes"
"Now, I really love you" He says picking up the coffee and the cigarettes sitting down across the table. We both sit silently for a few moments. I watch as he sips his coffee and light his first smoke.
"I don't want to go back to Brittan" I blurt out I've been worrying all morning that now that Draco is back he's going to want to go back.
"Can I stay here?" he asks
"Well yeah" I ask surprised at his simple reply "I don't want to be without you ever again, but I like America I like how the magical world just blends in here we're not segregated, just secret and I'm not nearly as famous and-"
I'm cut off when he leans forward stopping my words with a finger.
"There is nothing in Brittan that I don't have here, so long as you're with me. Stop worrying"
All I can do is nod stupidly "What about Ron?'
"We'll take care of it. None of that matters right now Harry" He says stubbing his cigarette out
I stand up running my hand through my hair and pacing the small kitchen "How can you say that Draco? It matters he took you from me! Violated me! He was supposed to be my best friend, and he took one of the only good things I've ever had from me! Then stood there and told me to suck it up when he knew- he knew what he did" I rant
"I'm glad you are angry, I am too," He says standing walking towards me. "but Harry right now, I'm just happy to be with you, it's all that kept me going and to finally be here," He presses me back against the counter. "All I can think of is how beautiful you are, how good you taste, and how good being in you will feel."
His breath is hot on my face, he's right, he usually is, no reason to worry about this now. He's here, all I've wanted for two years is for him to be here saying these words. Why am I fighting it?"
"We can't solve everything with sex." I say even as my mouth inches closer to his
"We can try." He says huskily as he closes the distance.
We fuck, right there, me hoisted on the counter legs wrapped around him. My nails dig into his shoulder and his into my hips. Every one of my senses are filled with Draco and I can't get enough of him. "Harder" I beg "Fuck me like you mean it" I almost scream as the next thrust hit's my prostate. A few more thrusts has us both cuming hard. We both lay panting naked on the kitchen floor afterwards, hands and lips still exploring each other's skin.
The next three days are like a dream, we hardly leave the bedroom, living on a diet of: takeout cigarettes and sex. We talk a bit, of Azkaban, that he wants to be a mediwizard, of my time without him and of the city we both call home now. We decide to make a trip to the Ministry of Magic, and simply press charges against Ron if nothing else he'll be stripped of his position as an auror. It takes some work but Draco and I get our lives back together, Ron is sent to Azkaban for three years, on the same day Draco asks me to marry him. We get married in the city, a small ceremony with few of Draco's coworkers from the hospital, some of our muggle friends, and Ginny. Life has its ups and downs but we finally, have found some peace in the madness of our lives.
Sometimes I wonder how we got here. Was this really how it was supposed to be? When I wake being held by my husband's strong arms, pressed against his firm chest, I think this is exactly where I am meant to be.
AN/ Okay that's it for this story I've got five notebooks full of story ideas that are begging to be written so maybe someday they'll find their way online Thanks for reading. Review if you enjoyed if not…sorry? Love and such Sari.