Hey Dudes! This is my first fanfic and I just REALLY wanted to write this because I am getting addicted to the Pitch Black/ Harry Potter fanfics. Just this is my super duper fabulously sarcastic version of how I think things should go.

By the way the time is before the researchers crashed.

Might be a little bashing on the wizarding, screwed up the HP timeline and OOC.

"talking"

'thinking'

"parseltongue"

"Ron no!", called a feminine voice was all that was heard before a bright light enveloped a certain figure who saved the world from an evil snake man.

oOo

The raven haired one woke, opening his eyes into the shining glory of three risen suns. Wincing he clamped his eyes once more until he rolled onto his front and tried again. Rocky gravel-like sand spread in all direction. There was no sound of the wind blowing or any wildlife.

The figure stood slowly and carefully as if the world itself might crumble if he applied enough pressure. The figure was revealed to be a lean and somewhat skinny teenage boy about 16 or 17, avada cadavra, almost luminescent green eyes and messy/wavy hair that flowed to beneath his jaw. He was wearing a red and gold t-shirt with grey cargos and black runners. His belt was slung crookedly across his hips and held a thick, well used bag attached to it's side, with of course a special item consuming spell on it.

"Three suns... Not my world... Or time? Fuck! Damn you Ron fucking Weasley and your damned timing! Yah, yah, I know it was unfair for 'Mione to ask you to stay put for fucking once but that does NOT give you the RIGHT to send me a different god forsaken world! *huff*huff* BASTARD!*huff*shit *huff* can't *huff* breath." Of course noticing the lack of oxygen he stopped his little (well deserved in his opinion) tantrum.

'I doubt 'Mione will be able to fix this.', he thought bitterly.

Incoherent mumbles of hate continued for a long while. He soon noticed his lips were cracking and his tongue had a chalky feel to it. The raven plopped right down where he got up from earlier and snatched his bag from his belt and amazingly enough he pulled out a large metal jug of water -about twice the size of the bag- and drank it greedily.

Harry POV

'Ugh, well I'm screwed.', ran through my mind quickly but clearly enough.

It was only a couple months after I defeated the-mans-who's-name-must-be-never-spoken-aloud-for-some-reason-that-is-not-known-to-many, gathered the Deathly Hollows -making me the master of death and forever under the legal drinking age- and winning the war for my fame and money hungry friends and manipulative old headmaster that lost his head many a year ago. I lived under a cleverly kept mask of 'Golden Boy' and silently I welcomed my Slytherin self and I became stronger than any other knew. I learned all of my wandless magic and could do almost anything with a couple flicks of my hands, also learning to use daggers and swords (for the kind of defence that almost ALL wizards are useless at)in my spare time since I kept having those dreaded nightmares. Hilarious that without their little sticks the can get their ass handed to them from any muggle with a good punch. Of course I'm no master of weapons, it would be a great accomplishment to be able to fool myself into believing something like that. I still have a long way to go...I'm getting off topic. Master of Death yadda yadda sword yadda yadda... Oh right. I even became friends with Draco Malfoy and we sent letters once in a while. That's all gone to hell now. Hermione was going to transport me to somewhere in the Caribbean so I could FOR ONCE have a vacation! Until Ron fucking Weasley got tired of waiting outside the door for Hermione to transport me and barged in. Yep and that is how I managed to get here. Wonderful.

"Food...Hungry...Food...Burn...Food." Well doesn't that have a one track mind. Parseltongue(sp?) really does help in situations like these (thank god!).

Putting away my water bottle into the bag that holds another dimension(I have my stuff packed!) I casually stroll over to where I can hear the snake speak coming from.

I approach a large a thing (one of many) that reminded me of a tall ant hill made out of the gravel on this desert. The hisses of speech increased to many that would easily outnumber me.

"Greetings." I hiss into one of the holes in the hills. Of course this is the best I could come up with. What else could I say? I know your hungry and I'm delicious but I was wondering if I could intrude upon you to get some shade from this blistering sun so I don't cook like an egg on a frying pan out here. That would go well.

Suddenly the hisses had a dramatic increased in volume until it vanished and "Light walker, how do you talk with us?" was heard.

"I am a speaker. I have just come to this world."

With a few moments of thought,"Interesting. Do come into our darkness. We shall not harm you."

Of course this could all be a ploy to lure me into the darkness to they could eat me but what else do I have to do here? I pushed myself into one of the holes in the pillar of sand and slowly slid down to the floor where only where a circle of light surrounded me. I then cast a spell on my eyes -that made them glow- so I could see what surrounded me. It literally almost knocked me back on my ass from what I saw. I was completely and utterly surrounded. The creatures looked as if they were a twist between a snake, bat, and shark. They had a thick scaled skin and their heads spread to the sides like a hammerhead shark, also went up and down inn curved spikes. They had two clawed legs and behind them a long tail that separated in two. Sharp teeth lined their jaws and wings sprouted from their backs. They were well built predators.

All of the predators looked directly ay me and I gulped audibly. I could just tell this was going to go differently than I thought.