Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings or Douglas Fir.
Enjoy the pointless fic!
It was a peaceful day in the Shire. The Hobbits were decorating Hobbit Holes and rapping presents. Christmas was on it's way!
"Frodo! Do you have the Christmas tree?" Bilbo yelled down the stairs.
"No! I'll go find a nice small one in the forest" Frodo yelled back and grabbed an ax on his way out the door. He headed over to Sam's house knowing he would need help carrying the tree back. Soon he was over at Sam's and knocking on the door.
"Hello?" Sam popped his head out. "Oh! Frodo! I need your help!"
He pulled Frodo inside. There was broken dishes every where. The Gaffer was curled up in the corner shaking.
"Ahhh!! Stay back!!"
The Gaffer threw a plate at them and just missed.
"What's with the Gaffer?"
"Ahhh!!!! Fat man!! White beard!!!! Huge sack!!! Elves!!!!" The Gaffer screamed. "Stay back!"
He threw another plate that hit a hobbit that had just walked threw the door.
"No! Stay Back!!!!!" with that last scream the Gaffer stopped shaking and collapsed.
"Gaffer?! No!!! He's dead!!" Sam yelled, his eyes full with tears.
"Nonsense! He's just had too much eggnog" Frodo said walking over to the hobbit who had been knocked out cold by the plate. A bewildered Merry was also standing in the doorway.
"Is...is...Pippin...dead?" Merry asked shakily.
"'Course not! heh heh" Frodo said, smiling in a very fake way and praying Pippin would get up.
After shaking Pippin and shoving fresh snow in his mouth, Pippin got up.
"Happy Valentines Day!" he yelled, giving Merry a suffocating hug.
"*choke* It's....Christmas, Pippin..." Merry replied, best he could.
"Nonsense, Merry! If I didn't know better I would have thought you got hit in the head!" Pippin said, standing up and letting go of Merry.
"Well, uh.....Come help me get a tree" Frodo said, trying his best to change the subject..
When they reached the forest it was rather dark.
"Happy Easter!" Pippin yelled, waving to a tall tree. "Do you want to come for dinner tonight?"
"Pippin, it's a tree!" Merry said rolling his eyes and grabbing Pippin by the back of the neck and dragging him away from the tree.
"Well, maybe Sunday?" Pippin shouted back at the tree.
After wandering a long time and finding nothing but huge trees. Frodo was about to give up hope he saw the most wonderful tree he could possibly imagine. It was small. All it's branches were even. It stood there, so strait, so green, so perfect! *sparkle sparkle.*
Frodo ran towards it. His ax ready. He was almost to the tree when a huge pair of eyes opened.
Frodo let out a girly scream and fell backwards. He scrambled backwards and hid behind Sam. A giant red mouth opened in the tree. It began to sing...
Jingle bells,
Jingle bells,
jingle all the way! etc.
Frodo screamed again.
"Get your sword, Frodo! We'll fight the beast!" cried Sam.
Frodo drew Sting. It was blazing blue.
"It's an Orc!" cried Frodo.
Dashing through the snow,
in a one horse open slay! etc
Sam, Frodo, and Merry tried to battle off the evil "Orc," while Pippin had a conversation with the tall tree a few spaces over.
"Run for your lives!!" called Merry. He grabbed Pippin by the collar of his coat and dragged him along. Sam and Frodo not far behind. They ran as fast as they could back to Bilbo's hobbit hole. When they got back Bilbo was already asleep.
Frodo invited the other hobbits to stay the night and they all fell asleep quite fast, besides Pippin who was counting stars.
They awoke the next morning to the sound of Bilbo knocking on the door. He then came in.
"You didn't bring a tree back last night but Rose stopped by this morning. She found the perfect Christmas tree! Come see!" he said cheerfully.
Frodo and the rest of the hobbits went downstairs.
Frodo was quite relieved that they had a tree and had survived the night before.
They entered the living room......
There was the most perfect tree in the corner.*sparkle sparkle*
"I'm going to call it Douglas!" Bilbo said happily.
Frodo approached it, his eyes wide with awe. Then, suddenly a pair of menacing eyes opened. Those evil eyes from the night before!
Frodo screamed.
Jingle bells,
jingle bells,
jingle all the way!
O, what fun
it is to ride in a one horse open slay!!!
Anyway! All's well that ends well! Frodo resulted in burning the Douglas Fir after Christmas and Pippin recovered from the plate accident. As for the Gaffer.....well I'll leave that for your imagination..heh.
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I know it wasn't funny, but what can I say?
Please no flames (even though it was bad).