Hi, all, and welcome to my first fan fiction. Thanks-in-advance for actually bothering to read it, and I hope I make it worth your time.

That's Not How You Do It is a look inside the lives of the cast of Bleach when they're not fighting, training, fighting, arguing and fighting. Because, though the fights are cool, my favorite thing about Bleach is how awkward, stubborn, and downright ridiculous they can all be with one another. So here you go, a collection of stories of Bleach heroes (mostly Ichigo) being idiots. Enjoy.

Don't Own Bleach.

This first chapter features Ichigo and Urahara, and takes place around chapter 60~something of the manga, in Urahara's huge underground basement-cave.

Chapter 1: Physics

"When an object passes through the air, it creates a series of pressure waves in front of and behind it, very similar to the wake of a boat moving through the water. These waves travel at the speed of sound, which, at sea level conditions, is roughly 1,225 kilometers per hour."

Clad in a white lab professor's uniform, Urahara paused briefly to jot a few notes on the blackboard before turning back around to address his pupils.

"Now, as the speed of the object itself increases, the distance between the sound waves is shortened, and as the object reaches the speed of sound, these waves are compressed into a single shock wave. This phenomenon is known as.... what, class?"

A small girl timidly raised her hand, patiently waiting for a permissive nod from her professor before answering. "A sonic boom?"

"Correct, Ururu!" Urahara exclaimed, snapping his paper fan shut to point it dramatically at her. "Continuing on, the power of such a shock wave is directly dependent on the quantity of air being moved, and therefore on the size and shape of the object in motion, but they generally represent a powerful and rather noisy shift in air pressure."

Pausing to let the lecture sink in, Urahara took the opportunity to observe the faces of his class. Despite the rather... .impromptu nature of his classroom, he was pleased to see that they were following along rather well. Sure, he had no textbooks, writing materials, desks, walls or ceiling to speak of, but Urahara was a teaching genius. In this sectioned-off dirt patch of his training area, he could teach rocket science to monkeys, as long as he had his trusty blackboard (which may or may not have been pinched from Soul Society's research department). Ururu and Jinta sat in the front row, watching and listening with rapt attention. In Jinta's case, it was more like marginal attention, but for a 12 year old boy, Urahara figured it was about the same thing. His third student, however, was making no effort at all.

"Ichigo Kurosaki," the teacher clucked disapprovingly, pacing toward the boy lounging around in the back of the class, "can you tell me what the effect of a sonic boom would be on the human body at extremely close range?"

"Unnngh...." Ichigo answered lazily, rolling from one side to the other. "Mmmmmngh...."

"No, that's incorrect. Please try to pay a little more attention in class, Mr. Kurosaki," Urahara frowned. "Can anyone help him out?"

"I think it would knock him flat on his ass!" Jinta stifled a snicker.

"Crudely put, yes it would." Urahara paced as he spoke. "A shock wave applied to the human body produces pressure waves in the tissue. These waves are most damaging at junctions of different types of tissue, like bone and muscle, or places where tissue meets air, such as the lungs or stomach."

"So," Urahara paused again in front of his trouble student, "what symptoms do you think you can expect, Mr. Kurosaki?"

"Urrgh...." Ichigo managed between labored breaths. "Grrrrgh...."

"Very good! Shortness of breath, due to the trauma to the lungs. What else?"

Giving his 'teacher' a decidedly murderous look, Ichigo attempted to struggle to his feet, only to fall heavily on his face. "Gaah.."

"Excellent! Disorientation or vertigo – these are caused by disruption of the inner ear, an organ which provides the brain with a sense of balance."

Ichigo shot out a hand to grab Urahara's ankle, only to be deftly sidestepped. The shady-headed shopkeeper continued as if he didn't even notice the strike.

"Fortunately, the human body is a resilient thing, able to withstand and recover from the trauma in a relatively short time. Even still, repeated exposure to such shock can be extremely bad in the long run. Which is why, if a person gains the ability to travel faster than the speed of sound, he should be a little careful when flinging himself around like a retarded cannonball."

Allowing the slightest smirk to break his professor's facade, Urahara squatted down to Ichigo's level.

"Have we all learned our lesson?"

"Go to.... hell....."