The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any GI Joe characters has gotten drunk somewhere. Not that getting drunk is good. Getting drunk in real life is bad. Very bad. But getting fictional characters drunk is funny. Very funny.
Tequila, Rum and a Rubber Chicken
General Hawk knew today was not going to be a good day.
Mostly because Shipwreck was late with the office supply delivery.
Due to a few 'incidents', some of which involved Cobra and BATS certain suppliers refused to deliver certain staples normally delivered to most military bases. Of course since GI Joe was not an ordinary military base by any range of the imagination, the company that supplied paper and office supplies refused to deliver.
Mostly because every driver that had delivered these supplies to the Joes ended up quitting for some reason or another. Again, only some of the incidents involved Cobra attacks. Others involved members of the GI Joe team. Including an unusual incident where a slightly deranged Beach Head, under the influence of some powerful flu medication mistook one driver for Cobra Commander and chased him half way around the base with a flame thrower.
Since the company that supplied the Pit with these minor essentials was only five miles away in the next town, it just became easier to send a Joe with a truck to drive over and pick up the supplies themselves.
Against his better judgment this time Hawk sent Shipwreck. Alone.
And now the sailor was four hours late from when he was supposed to return.
"General Hawk, have those medical forms arrived yet?" Lifeline walked in with Low Light.
"Yeah and Beach Head wants to know when those office supplies are," Low Light said.
"They haven't arrived yet," Hawk sighed. "I'm sure Shipwreck will be back with them shortly."
"Shipwreck and…?" Lifeline blinked.
"No and. Just Shipwreck," Hawk said. "It's a one man job. They load the truck. All he has to do is drive."
"You sent Shipwreck? Alone?" Low Light gasped. "Sir, why the hell did you do that?"
"Because everyone else was either on a mission or doing PT when the call for pickup came in," Hawk said. "And I just happened to find Shipwreck trying to get out of PT by hiding in the women's latrine."
"Hiding in the…?" Lifeline blinked.
"Well not really hiding," Hawk sighed. "More like duct taped to the ceiling. I didn't ask. Since I'm pretty sure he didn't do it himself and whoever did do it, odds are they had good reason."
"General no disrespect but I wouldn't trust Shipwreck to flush a dead goldfish down a toilet," Low Light said. "Let alone get supplies."
"I had to send him, there was no one else and quite frankly I just wanted to get him off base for a moment so I could have some peace and quiet," Hawk growled.
"Sir, you do remember what happened the last time we let Shipwreck go into town for supplies, don't you?" Lifeline sighed.
"Vaguely," Hawk frowned.
"Let me refresh your memory," Low Light remarked. "You sent him out to get some supplies and not even two hours later he called in drunk from a nearby bar."
"So you sent the MP's out to retrieve him and an hour later they call you, and they were drunk," Lifeline said. "So you sent out two more MP's."
"Who also got drunk," Low Light said.
"Then you decided to pull in the big guns and called in Beachhead to retrieve the drunk squad," Lifeline said. "And to help him you also sent Flint, Snake Eyes and Leatherneck. And what happened?"
"I think Channel Five News still has a copy of what happened," Low Light quipped. "Not to mention that clip that's still circulating around on the internet."
"To this day I have no idea how they managed to get all those fireworks on that rooftop," Lifeline shook his head. "Or that tank."
"Or talk the mayor as well as half the town council into streaking races down Main Street," Low Light said. "I tell ya, seeing Beach Head and Snake Eyes running neck and neck wearing nothing but their masks still wakes me up in the middle of the night. And this is from a guy who is used to nightmares!"
"And then you and Duke ran out with an army of MP's to track them down," Lifeline went on. "Where you…"
"Stop right there! I told you to never tell me what we did that night!" Hawk said. "I don't want to know how I ended up in a clown suit with General Flagg, the Mayor and that senator in a pool filled with chocolate pudding!"
"Well if you ever do I know where you can get a DVD of it," Low Light said.
"All right! All right! You've made your point!" Hawk said. "Look normally I wouldn't consider letting Shipwreck off this base again unless he's going to be shot at but this was an emergency."
"Emergency? The man is a walking intoxicant!" Low Light said. "He will turn any emergency into a full blown disaster! You know this, I know this. The entire state knows this!"
"I know your concerns, but I ordered Shipwreck not to get drunk and to just make a simple delivery," Hawk said.
Low Light and Lifeline laughed. "What?" Hawk snapped.
"It's so cute you'd think that he'd listen to you," Low Light snickered. A glare from Hawk silenced him. "Sir."
"Are you questioning my judgment, soldier?" Hawk growled.
"That depends," Low Light said. "Were you on any medication when you made this decision?"
"You know the only reason I don't court martial you is the fact that I might need you to shoot Shipwreck when he gets back, right?" Hawk growled.
"So you admit that…" Low Light began
"I admit nothing!" Hawk said. "In fact I'm so sure that Shipwreck will come back without any incident that I am willing to bet fifty dollars that he does!"
"You're willing to do this, even though you know he's what? Four hours late?" Lifeline blinked.
"Technically only three and a quarter," Hawk said. "But that doesn't mean anything. He could have hit traffic."
"You realize you're just digging yourself into a deeper hole right?" Low Light asked. "Rather admit your mistake, you're willing to lose money because of Shipwreck. Is that what you're saying?"
"Are you afraid to take that bet soldier?" Hawk stiffened.
"General Hawk, betting on whether the sun would go down and then come up again is more of a risk than this," Low Light gave him a look. "Make it a hundred bucks!"
"Well then it is a bet," Hawk said.
"Fine! It's a bet," Low Light said. "Just between the two of us, unless you want to get in on this Lifeline?"
"You know normally I don't believe in gambling," Lifeline said. "But what the hell? Even I can't pass up a sure thing like this. You're on!"
"Fine! We will see what happens when Shipwreck arrives," General Hawk nodded.
HONK! HONK!
CRASH!
"WHO'S THAT MANIAC WHO DROVE THROUGH THE GATE?" Beach Head shouted. "AAAAAAAAAAHH! RUN FOR IT!"
SCREEECH!
CRASH!
"What was that?" Lifeline did a double take.
"I think that's the sound of our money rolling in," Low Light smirked.
"Please let it be a Cobra attack," Hawk rolled his eyes as they ran down to investigate.
He saw a supply truck crashed into a nearby garbage bin. Several other Joes were running to the scene. "Who is the dang moron who tried to kill us?" Beach Head snapped.
"Isn't that our supply truck?" Clutch called out.
"Shipwreck you idiot I am going to…" Hawk growled.
"Wait, you sent Shipwreck out to get supplies?" Beach Head shouted.
"On purpose?" Road Block yelled.
"Yes I did!" Hawk snapped.
"Why?" Roadblock asked.
"We asked him that question," Lifeline said. "And no he's not on any medication or drunk so…"
"Did he blackmail you, sir?" Beach Head asked him. "Because if he did I will personally…"
"Blackmail! Why didn't we think of that reason?" Low Light hit his head.
"My god he must have been drunk out of his mind!" Clutch said.
"We're lucky nobody was killed!" Quick Kick said.
"I didn't think even Shipwreck was stupid enough to drive while drunk!" Lifeline said.
"Good news," Low Light opened the truck door. "He wasn't driving."
"BAAAAAHHHHHH!"
"How did he get a sheep that…?" Hawk's jaw dropped.
"Gets weirder, this truck is a stick shift," Low Light looked in. "I admit it. I'm impressed."
"BAAAAHHH!" The sheep tried to get out of the seat belt.
"SHIPWRECK!" Hawk bellowed. "SHIPWRECK WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU? YOU DEGENERATE…"
"General Hawk? Is that you sir?" A drunken voice hiccupped from the back of the truck.
"SHIPWRECK!" Hawk growled.
"Shipwreck are you in there?" Lifeline called out.
"No, Lifeline he's in the sheep!" Beach Head said sarcastically.
"I'M IN A SHEEP?" Shipwreck cried out. "OH GOD! I THOUGHT I'D GONE BLIND! BUT I'M NOT BLIND! I'M IN A SHEEP!"
"Oh yeah he's plastered," Low Light snorted.
"Safest bet we ever made," Lifeline rolled his eyes.
"LET ME OUT! HELP ME! HELP! HELP! I'M IN A SHEEP!" Shipwreck banged on the sides of the truck. "I'M IN A SHEEP! OH MAN I HAD NO IDEA SHEEP HAD STOMACHS THIS STRONG! HELP! I'M IN A SHEEP!"
"No, but you're in a sheep full of trouble when I get my hands on you!" Hawk snapped. He turned to his men. "Get him out of there!"
"I CAN SEE!" Shipwreck staggered out when they opened the truck door. He was wearing German lederhosen and a hat found at a beer fest. "I CAN SEE! IT'S A MIRACLE!"
"Well that's one word for it," Hawk growled. "And what the hell are you wearing?"
"Why sir! (hic) Today is Saint Swizzlestick's Day!" Shipwreck hiccupped as he saluted. "Just wearing the traditional garb, sir!"
"Of course you are," Hawk was getting furious. "And that's the reason you let a sheep drive the truck?"
"Well duh! I couldn't drive! I was drunk!" Shipwreck rolled his eyes. "He was the only one in the bar who was sober!"
"BAAAHHHHH!"
"It's not my fault! He said he had his license!" Shipwreck protested.
"Oh my god! He does have a license!" Clutch called out. "It's pinned to his fur!"
"Wool! Sheep don't have fur, they have wool," Quick Kick corrected.
"Well whatever it is there's a license attached to it!" Clutch said.
"According to this he can drive anything up to a forklift," Quick Kick said.
"Obviously not very well," Lifeline said. "Did he bring back any office supplies?"
"Did he bring back anything but a huge headache?" Hawk asked.
"Well he brought back something," Roadblock looked into the truck. "But not office supplies."
"Instead he got two boxes of tequila, four boxes of rum…" Beach Head inspected the contents and picked something up. "And a rubber chicken."
"You uh, wanna pay us now? Or write us a check later?" Low Light asked General Hawk.
"Oh someone is going to pay all right," Hawk grunted. "Excuse me…" He started to bang his head against the side of the truck.
"BAAAHHHHH!" The sheep ran by.
"I don't care what your safety record says!" Shipwreck snapped. "You're still a lousy driver!"
"Well Shipwreck's record for insanity is still intact," Low Light said. "And I think General Hawk broke a new record for the fastest way to lose a bet."
"Not to mention my sanity…" Hawk groaned. "Someone break open one of those tequila cases! That's an order!"
"I'll drink to that!" Shipwreck said cheerfully.
"Of course you will…" Hawk groaned.