Disclaimer: I do not own Homestuck.
Unforeseen Consequences
Chapter: 1
John's room was bright, glowing in a soft green hue. He didn't remember falling asleep. His head felt heavy, and a little bit like he'd been daydreaming for a long period of time. The green light faded as he slowly woke up further, blinking rapidly. He was warm, and very comfortable. How long had he been here? His mind was in a fog. He wasn't even sure what day it was. Everything was a blur.
The chirp of pesterchum alerted him to someone trying to contact him. He sat up, feeling disoriented. Did he stay up all night watching movies or something? The sound of pesterchum became more persistent, so John stood up to appease the determined chum.
The room tilted as John lost his balance, his legs giving beneath him dropping him callously on the floor of his room. Before he knew it he was opening his eyes again, feeling more mixed-up than ever. He felt like he'd run a marathon! John sat up, leaning his back against his bed. Where did his bed sheets go?
There was a serious of rapid beeps, as if one word was being sent over and over. John was busy staring at his legs though. Whose clothes was he wearing? He didn't own bright blue pajama pants.
He got up more carefully, wandering over to the computer and plunking himself down in the chair unceremoniously. There, small victories. He squinted at the screen, carcinoGeneticist? Who was that? How did they get his chumhandle?
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] - began pestering -ectoBiologist [EB] -
CG: JOHN!
CG: GOD DAMN IT.
CG: FUCKING ANSWER YOU ASSHOLE.
CG: THE ONE TIME I NEED YOUR GOD DAMN HELP AND YOU'RE GOING TO FUCKING BLOW ME OFF.
CG: YOU ARE THE WORST FRIEND JOHN EGBERT.
CG: I HOPE YOU'RE DEAD.
CG: I HOPE WHATEVER THING HAPPENED KILLED YOU ALL AND SKAIA RID US OF YOU FOR FUCKING EVER YOU GRUB SUCKING BASTARD.
CG: JOHN…
CG: LISTEN I'M IN SOME DEEP SHIT HERE. THINGS ARE NOT OK WHERE I AM. I AM DROWNING IN A SEA OF SERIOUS SHIT.
CG: SOMEHOW THINGS ARE WORSE THEN BEFORE. GAMZEE NEEDS MY HELP, AND I NEED YOURS SO ANSWER AND DON'T BE DEAD YOU FUCKTARD.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK .
CG: FUCK .
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
CG: FUCK.
EB: what is this?
CG: FUCK YOU. HOLY FUCK!
CG: WHERE ARE YOU?
EB: the moon. who is this?
CG: HAHA JOHN, VERY FUNNY. SERIOUSLY, WHERE ARE YOU?
EB: how did you get my account?
CG: WHAT THE ACTUAL GOD DAMN HELL JOHN. I TELL YOU I'M UP TO MY KNEES IN FUCKING HORRORTERROR SHIT OVER HERE AND YOU WANT TO PLAY ONE OF YOUR IDIOTIC NOT FUNNY PRANKS? I'M NOT IN THE MOOD.
EB: this is the weirdest trolling i've ever seen.
CG: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
CG: WE ALL HAD A GOOD LAUGH AT YOUR FUNNY FUCKING JOKE EGBERT. YOU'RE THE GREATEST PRANKSTER WHO EVER LIVED AND WE ALL LICK THE GROUND YOU WALK ON!
EB: woah dude.
CG: NO JOHN. YOU ARE TRULY THE STUPIDST BASTARD WHO EVER LIVED. WHAT HAPPENED OUT THERE?
EB: … uh
CG: I NEED SOME ANSWERS HERE!
EB: ok so you're probably doing drugs or something. how do you know my name?
CG: WHAT KIND OF GRUB FUCKING GOD DAMN SHIT IS THIS YOU UGLY SELF ABSORBED SELFISH BASTARD. YOU STINKING WORTHLESS PILE OF LUSUS SHIT WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN ASSUME FOR ONE FUCKING SECOND THAT THIS IS THE TIME TO… OH FUCK. THEY FOUND ME.
EB: so then, i'm just gonna go…
CG: AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGG GGG! FUCK!
- carcinoGeneticist [CG] - ceased pestering -ectoBiologist [EB] -
John stared at the computer in utter confusion. What was that? He blocked the troll, just to be safe. None of his other friends were online so he got up, crossing his room to the calendar. It was his birthday? He thought about it hard for a second. That seemed right, didn't it? Okay, well that was good. It was his birthday, yay! Exciting, he guessed…
He wandered downstairs, for some reason not flinching at the harlequin pictures and figures as he would ritually do on a normal day. For some reason they felt nostalgic to him, maybe because he was older and more mature. More likely because he was tired, or that's what he told himself. To compensate for his neutral attitude he vowed to come back later and draw mustaches on the photos to appease his trickster's gambit, and just generally keep his inner child alive.
There was a strong sweet smell wafting from the kitchen. He didn't have to be a detective to know his dad was making him a birthday cake. Risking a strife encounter he walked in to find about ten cakes piled around the room. His stomach turned in disgust, but when his dad turned around from the oven holding a fresh chocolate abomination he found he wasn't unhappy to see him. In fact, he was very happy to see him. His dad proudly presented the confection eyesore with thirteen lit candles. John supposed indulging the old man wouldn't hurt him. Determined to blow them all out he inhaled, held his breath, and then blew.
To his great surprised his dad was thrown backwards into the counter, snapping his head on the cupboard before toppling to the floor, seemingly from the power behind John's breath! John cried out in astonishment, rushing to his father's side, fear shooting through him and making his body shake, "dad!"
His dad appeared to be alright. His head had a thin trail of blood trickling from his hair line, but other than that he seemed to be fine. John's dad did his best to comfort him, assuring John that he was not really hurt. He was more confused about what had happened. John was too. Appearances would suggest that John had huffed and puffed and blown his father down. His dad went around the room looking for a cause, turning off the oven even though he'd been blown the opposite direction. Finally he concluded that he had tripped. John wasn't convinced, seeing as he'd seemed to gain air. Still, neither of them could find any other reason for what had happened.
John absconded from the kitchen before his dad could concentrate on getting him to eat any of his wicked baked goods. The only logical thing to do now would be to find presents. He slipped out the back door, making his way to the mailbox. He was curious if his friends had sent him anything. He thought he remembered them saying so, but it seemed like so long ago.
Stepping outside had a strange effect on him. He could feel the wind around him. He was so in tune to it. He felt like he'd never been so focused before. He'd never been so aware of the breeze, or the subtle shift in air currents all around him,
He shook his head, trying to snap out of it. Why was he so prone to daydreaming all of a sudden? Maybe being thirteen was killing is brain cells. Or all that cake was.
The mailbox was filled with coupons for shaving cream and cake, and a birthday card from his nana. How was that possible? His grandmother had passed away in some mysterious manner that his dad didn't like to talk about. He wondered if seeing the card would just upset his dad. He decided to open it in his room, away from his dad and his sugary projects.
John raced upstairs through the front door so he wouldn't have to go in the kitchen again. His pesterchum was beeping again. He probably shouldn't leave that online when he wasn't there. It looked like Dave was trying to get ahold of him.
- turntechGodhead [TG] – began pestering - ectoBiologist [EB ]-
TG: egbert
TG: i'm going crazy man
TG: this day is important somehow
TG: i just can't seem to remember why
TG: aw man
TG: is it mlk day
TG: for real dude
TG: i hate myself if i forgot mlk day
TG: what kind of douche doesn't remember such an important man and all he did for the world
TG: it's comparable to forgetting your best bro's bday or some shit like that
TG: frickin unforgivable dude
TG: i should stab myself like a god damned shamed japanese warrior or some shit
EB: aw man no.
EB: how will the world keep turning without your mad beats and cool face?
TG: it's a god damn mystery man
TG: like
TG: a federal fucking case
EG: hell yea man, totally.
TG: so what have you been doing on this not important day then
TG: besides dodging cake i mean
EG: you have no idea
EG: he must think I have ten birthdays today
TG: get any sweet loot
EG: no man, just a card from nana. Hey do you believe in ghosts?
TG: …
TG: what
EG: i mean my nana died when I was young so I was wondering how she sent me a bday card
TG: no way man, i am not having this conversation again
EG: what?
TG: we already talked about this and it was god awful
TG: fucking horrible
TG: i am sick and tired of all this fucking deja vu up in here
TG: if I have to live one more god damned experience again i'm going to throw myself off a cliff
TG: i'm going to go out into this fucking city
TG: find a god damn cliff and dive off it with a stupid smile on my face like I was high
TG: because that's how happy I would be to end this fucking stupid nightmare
EG: woah dude, what the hell are you talking about
EG: I just got the letter
EG: this is the first time I've talked about it with you, or anybody.
TG: fuck this shit
- turntechGodhead [TG] - ceased pestering - ectoBiologist [EB ]-
John looked at the screen confused, rereading the pesterlog and scratching his head. What happened? Maybe Dave was on drugs. That wasn't like him. Maybe there was some weird virus going around that is transferable by pesterchum? Everyone he had talked to today seemed to be crazy! Oh wait. Maybe this was some elaborate prank on him! Like a birthday prank? Aw man, if that were true his friends would be so cool!
- ectoBiologist [EB ]- began pestering - turntechGodhead [TG] -
EB: oh man, that was so funny!
EB: you're hilarious Dave
EB: you really got me!
- ectoBiologist [EB ]- ceased pestering - turntechGodhead [TG] -
Even if it was a joke Dave still seemed kind of weird. Maybe Rose could get around to giving him some good friend therapy. She always knows how to get whatever is bugging him out of him. He can really dodge a question if he doesn't want to answer, but Rose knew how to trick him into revealing it. Just then she came online. Lucky!
- ectoBiologist [EB ]- began pestering - tentacleTherapist [TT] -
EB: hey rose!
TT: Hello John, happy birthday.
EB: thanks! you have good timing!
TT: What do you mean?
EB: i just talked with Dave and he was acting really weird. i was hoping you could see if you could cheer him up or something.
TT: Hmm.
EB: oh sorry, you don't want to?
TT: It's not that, it is just I had a sensation that you desired to speak to me regarding Dave.
EB: oh really? did i say something before, or maybe he said something strange?
TT: Not at all. You are the first individual I spoke to today. I was endeavoring to reach Jade, but she has alluded me so far.
EB: i see. are you alright?
TT: I am not unwell. I believe my mom tried to garb me as a wizard when I was sleeping however. This was a truly remarkable feat on her part, and I'm not sure in what way to top it.
EB: she changed your clothes while you were sleeping?
TT: It would appear to be so, though she reputed it when confronted.
EB: haha, your mom is so weird.
TT: I'm inclined to agree with you. Has your dad assaulted you with baked goodies yet?
EB: i managed to avoid a strife encounter by blowing the candles out and blowing him into the counter!
TT: I'm sorry, are you implying that when you went to blow out your candles, you subsequently blew your dad over as well?
EB: haha, yea! well, not really. i mean i don't know what happened. he thinks he just tripped.
TT: Rather impressive lungs for a thirteen year old.
EB: i know right?
TT: I have a query for you.
EB: what's up?
TT: What was your impression when you awoke this morning?
EB: when i woke up? i don't know. everything's kind of a blur really. why? did i say something strange to you last night?
TT: No, you did nothing erroneous whatsoever.
EB: gosh everyone is acting so strangely
TT: Then I apologize for my suspicious behavior. I did not intend to be anything short of my typically amiable person.
EB: no, it's fine. this is just turning into a very strange birthday.
TT: I will speak with you more on this later. Jade is online and it is best I talk to her now. Have a good birthday John.
EB: sure…
- tentacleTherapist [TT] - ceased pestering - ectoBiologist [EB] -
Alright, well Rose seemed mostly normal. Things were looking up! Rose's mom sure was weird though. Come to think of it he was wearing weird pajamas too. Could his dad have put them on him as a weird prank? Or perhaps a birthday present. Either way he'd ask later. He hoped he got a chance to talk to Jade too before she went offline too. Oh, there was Dave again. John decided that he would get to the bottom of his weird behavior.
-ectoBiologist [EB ]- began pestering - turntechGodhead [TG] -
EB: dave why are you acting like a crazy person? is this a weird prank?
TG: what
TG: no man
TG: unlike you i am a higher life form
TG: pranks are beneath me
TG: theyre so far beneath me that china is having a surplus of pranks
TG: theyre all confused wondering where these pranks came from
TG: pranks are the opposite god damn polarization of me
TG: i repel those fuckers like a magnet
EB: that is some serious repelling power there dave.
TG: everything about me is serious
TG: im a stoic god
EB: so you don't want to talk about the letter?
TG: hell yes i want to talk about this letter
TG: im all about this god damn letter
EB: alright then. so… you believe in ghosts?
TG: no man
TG: ghost are for little kids
TG: to scare them into doing what their parents want
TG: but yea you might be haunted
EB: whatever man. i just can't figure out how my nana would have planned this
EB: does the post office really hold letters for that long? why would she want to send me a letter on my thirteenth birthday?
TG: woah man
TG: from your grandmother who died
TG: shit got real
EB: i know dude!
TG: well dont leave me hanging
TG: like a fucking yoyo over here
TG: what does it say
EB: what does it say? i don't know, i haven't read it yet
TG: why the fuck not
EB: i got distracted! hold on a second.
EB: …
EB: it's weird.
EB: she says none of this is real. that's all it says. weird…
TG: what
TG: the
TG: fuck
TG: goddamn it egbert
TG: this is a stupid fucking prank
TG: pretty goddamn lame really
EB: no dave, it's not a prank… or at least i don't think it is
EB: maybe she's saying something like, life or some shit?
EB: i don't know man
TG: yea whatever
TG: i got shit to deal with here so
TG: later
- turntechGodhead [TG] - ceased pestering - ectoBiologist [EB ]-
Well that didn't go much better than the first conversation. He wondered what was going on with Dave. He seemed to be going through something. He kind of cut the conversation short before John could properly defend himself. Well maybe third time would be the charm. He'd try again later.
John looked at the card from his nana. It was a plain card with the number 14 printed big on the front. John frowned, maybe he wasn't meant to figure out this mystery until next year? Or maybe he should show his dad after all, even if it might upset him. At least then he'd know what it meant. It was like one of the weird notes his dad would leave around the house for him to discover through each step of his increasing manliness. He wished he could just ask his nana. She'd probably laugh and tell him he needed to figure it out on his own. Or… wait. No, that's not right. He wouldn't know because he never met her. Well maybe he heard she was like that from his dad.
- gardenGnostic [GG] - began pestering - ectoBiologist [EB] -
GG: hi john! :D
EB: hey jade :)
GG: happy birthday to you!
EB: oh yeah, hey thanks.
GG: of course :)
GG: are you having a fun birthday today?
EB: yeah i guess. my dad made a million cakes and i got a card from my dead nana.
GG: from your dead grandmother, how is that possible?
EB: i'm not too clear on the details.
EB: best guess i have is ghostly interference, though i think i got it a year too early.
GG: hmm : /
GG: that is very interesting!
EB: i know. i'm considering indulging in a little ghostbusters just to be safe.
GG: tee hee :)
EB: anyway did you talk to rose?
GG: i did, though i don't think i was much help to her
GG: i'm actually pretty confused about a few things myself!
EB: what things?
GG: well…
GG: i don't know how to explain it
GG: but my dreams have been very strange lately
GG: they're not how they're supposed to be!
GG: it's very troubling to me : /
EB: aw man, that sucks
GG: it does suck! have any strange things been happening to you lately john?
EB: besides cards from my deceased relatives not really. well, nothing like weird dreams anyway.
GG: i see…
EB: you might want to ask dave though, he seems to be going through some shit. he keeps snapping at me in a very unironic and uncool way.
GG: !
EB: i know, it's out of character.
GG: that is suprising
GG: i'll have to ask him about it
EB: maybe you can make some sense out of it. though probably it's just his bro stressing him out. i don't know how he can sleep at night being stared at by all those puppets.
GG: it's a mystery! :D
GG: anyway john i have to go check on bec, who is also acting very strange today!
EB: okay, talk to you later
GG: :D
- gardenGnostic [GG] - ceased pestering - ectoBiologist [EB] -
Poor Jade was having bad dreams? Everyone was having a hard day it seemed. Even her weird dog!
John leaned back in his chair, looking at his friend's pesterchums all flick offline. He stood, stretching his aching muscles. It very strange, the only birthday gift he got was from his grandmother. None of his friends had mentioned presents, and it wasn't like he needed gifts, but he thought he remembered them talking about getting him something before. If he thought about it too hard he realized a lot of strange things were happening. It made his head hurt to think about it. He opened his window to get some fresh air, feeling his skin tingle as a cool breeze rushed in. He wanted to wrap the air around him to relieve his headache. First there was the troll who seemed to know about him, then blowing his dad over, the card from his nana, and his friend's odd behavior. Did it have anything in common? Not that he could think of. He felt so anxious. Like he shouldn't just be sitting around, but doing something. He didn't know what though.
The wind smelled so familiar. He took a deep breath. Where had he smelled this scent before? It was such a strong scent. Wait… oh god.