Author's preliminary notes:
I am mildly surprised that there have been so few Simpsons/Harry Potter crossovers. Sure, the Simpsons are American and their show is but a shadow of its 90's heyday, but they are apparently still moderately popular in the US and their legendary 'classic-era' episodes stand undiminished in their greatness. The idea of Bart using his magic to raise hell within both the muggle and wizarding worlds while Lisa tries to act as his restraining bolt is also an amusing concept.
The portrayal of Bart largely comes from the Classic Era seasons of the Simpsons (IMO Seasons 2-8, 1990-1997). During this era, he was not only a troublemaking hell-raiser, but he was also cunning, resourceful, socially adept, street-smart and highly intelligent when the mood took him. After all, not being particularly academically inclined does not make one stupid. For example, he singlehandedly took down the highly-intelligent Sideshow Bob when he tried to explode Aunt Selma.
My A/N's will explain more obscure references to the Simpsons, as they crop up.
Obviously, both Bart and Lisa will be magical. Marge and Homer are No-Maj/Muggles (thankfully in the case of Homer – who knows the amount of destruction that he could have wrought around Springfield by using magic)?
After some deliberation, I have decided not to make any of the supporting characters wizards. Put simply, they would either not add anything to the story (as with Milhouse, a dorky kid with average intelligence and poor social skills), would seem superfluous next to existing HP characters (Ralph Wiggum is basically an intellectually-impaired version of Luna Lovegood; for Jimbo, Dolph and Kearney read Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle; for Martin Prince read Hermione Granger) or are otherwise hard to place within the existing HP universe (Nelson).
Although Bart and Lisa will initially expect to be attending Ilvermorny, the American wizarding school, instead of Hogwarts, they will obviously wind up at Hogwarts one way or another.
As to the various HP characters, they will initially conform largely to canon/fanon stylings; however, interacting with Bart and Lisa will change them considerably over time. Bart and Lisa will also change somewhat as a result of being exposed to a world which has a very different culture from small-town, provincial Springfield. The plot will also diverge from canon as time progresses.
Plotting aside, the HP/Simpsons universe will adhere to canon as much as possible, but bear in mind that my knowledge of both only goes so far and so I'm bound to omit or get some things wrong. Please inform me if I do.
Any praise and constructive criticism will be appreciated highly. Hell, I might be able to use more scathing commentary to try and improve the story…
BTW, I obviously don't own HP or the Simpsons, never mind both, otherwise I would have fame and wealth approaching that of Bill Gates.
Where I appropriate or modify lines and take plot cues from HP or the Simpsons, they deserve due credit.
Book One: Bart Simpson and the Boy-Who-Lived
Chapter One
At 6:00pm, Homer walked through the door after a long day of lazing away at the nuclear power plant and nearly causing two meltdowns. As he did so, he saw an 11-year old Bart and a 9-year old Lisa sitting on the sofa, with Bart in his Ilvermorny robes.
Even a mind as limited as Homer's could establish that something was very wrong with this picture. After all, Bart had only left to attend Ilvermorny that morning. Also, as far as he understood Ilvermorny was meant to be a boarding school, which meant that Bart was meant to be out of his hair until at least Christmas.
"Boy? Why have you returned from Ilver-whats-its so soon?" Homer enquired.
"I got expelled", came Bart's lengthy reply, showing Homer his broken wand.
"That's my boy", Homer replied as he went to the fridge, cracked open a beer and walked back out. As his slow mind comprehended what Bart had actually said, he then did a double take and shouted, "Wait, WHAT?"
"Don't worry, I can make my way as a lovable chimney sweep", Bart exclaimed, trying to head off Homer's rising temper. "I'll be as clean as a whistle, sharp as a thistle, best in all Springfield, yeah!"
"No son of mine is going to be some lowly chimney sweep! We're going to get you a wizarding education! And what the hell did you do to get yourself expelled on the first day anyway?" Homer demanded.
"As if you care", Bart retorted.
"Tell me now boy, or I'll give you the strangling of a lifetime!" Homer threatened.
At this, Bart relented and began to recite what had happened, reminiscing about the day's events as he did so.
Bart woke up at 7:00am that day to a clear, crisp blue sky. He was actually looking forward to his first day at his new wizarding school. Making the lives of his teachers at Springfield Elementary a living hell with his magical abilities, including using a colouring charm to turn Principal Skinner's hair pink and transfiguring a rake into a dog before having it attack Groundskeeper Willie, had gotten somewhat stale, as had hexing the school bullies to dissuade them from menacing him over his 'freaky' ability to perform magic without using a wand.
He had in fact learnt how to do this from a very young age, firstly to prevent his magical prodigy of a sister from monstering him, but also to get back at the kindergarten teacher who spent much of her time demeaning Bart's abilities. To Bart's pleasure, she had permanently fled the premises after her clothes mysteriously vanished from her person one day, rendering her stark naked in front of a group of laughing kindergarteners. Much to Principal Skinner's displeasure, he was unable to pin this incident on Bart because according to his classmates, Bart had not moved a muscle when the teacher's clothes vanished.
That being said, when Lisa displayed similar abilities to fend off a group of older bullies, suspicion around the two quickly spread throughout Springfield, with only Marge's intervention preventing them both from literally being burnt at the stake. However, much to Bart's undiluted glee, both were forbidden from attending church by Reverend Lovejoy on the basis that their powers obviously made them agents of Satan. Additionally, acting on the theory that both were possessed by demons, Ned Flanders constantly pursued them with his trusty exorcism tongs whenever he encountered them. Meanwhile, both had become pariahs at school, with only the perpetually oblivious Ralph Wiggum being completely unafraid of them.
Such pariahdom wore on the ever-social Bart, so it came as a relief when an attractive brown-eyed, middle-aged witch with hair in a brown bob came to the door of La Casa de los Simpsons, as Bart had christened it, one day. After the witch introduced herself as Professor Griselda Goldstein, she informed Bart that he was a wizard, duly taking him to acquire his robes, textbooks and a cage with an eagle owl that the shopkeeper had named Balthazar. Bart had originally wanted to acquire a flesh-eating bat to deliver his mail, but after discovering that those weren't actually used by wizards, he selected the eagle owl for its sleek facial features. He vividly recalled the exchange which took place between him and Balthazar after he had learned the owl's name.
"What kind of name is Balthazar? I'm renaming you Bart's Littlest Helper."
At hearing this, the owl clucked in displeasure.
"I don't think he likes that name", the shopkeeper noted.
"What does he care? He's a damn OWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!" Bart yelled as the eagle owl used its beak to contort Bart's ear into a highly unnatural position.
"Ok fine, fine! Balthazar it is!" Bart moaned. "Stupid owl."
Upon hearing this, Balthazar set upon Bart again, this time trying to peck his face into a bloody chunk.
"I don't think he appreciates being called stupid", the shopkeeper dryly noted.
"How does he even understand me? He's a goddamn owl!" Bart exclaimed.
"These aren't regular No-Maj owls Mr. Simpson. Wizarding owls are highly intelligent. They can not only deliver mail, but they can also understand English", the shopkeeper explained.
"Great, now you tell me", Bart groaned. "Alright Balthazar; I'm sorry I called you stupid."
At this, the owl ceased its attack and perched itself on Bart's shoulder.
He heard a soft chuckle behind him. Turning, he realised that Professor Goldstein had been watching the scene with considerable mirth the entire time.
Soon afterwards, Bart commanded the owl to return to its cage, for he didn't want Homer chasing it out of the house with his shotgun. After that, Bart and Professor Goldstein apparated back to his house, an experience that Bart felt was akin to travelling in a flexible tube at warp speed. In other words, the most nauseating thing he had experienced since he had that squishee-induced hangover.
Focusing his mind back to the present, he dressed in his blue and cranberry Ilvermorny robes. He then placed his textbooks into his trunk and place his trusty slingshot and a few Lil' Bastard Stink Bombs into his pocket. After this, he levitated his trunk and cage down, ate breakfast, bade his family farewell and strode onto the front lawn as a yellow school bus revealed itself, emblazoned with the words 'ILVERMORNY SCHOOL OF WITHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY', revealed itself.
Where the hell did this bus come from? And how can it fit so many students? Bart pondered. Upon entering the bus, Bart quickly realised that it had been magically enhanced to fit as many students as necessary.
Cooooooooooooool, Bart thought as he took a seat next to some nameless wizard. Upon doing so, seat belts magically appeared to restrain both him and his cage as the bus suddenly flew up into the air and hurtled through the sky at Mach speed, stopping periodically to pick up students.
"Hey dude, won't regular people see this bus as it comes down or goes up? Also what happens if you need to take a whiz?" Bart asked the wizard next to him, who had an eagle owl of his own in a cage.
With a degree of humour, the wizard responded, "Nah, this bus is invisible to No-Maj. Also, there are two toilets on the bus – the seat belts will also come off if you say 'UNLOCK' but they won't do that if the bus is ascending or descending."
"Well, too bad if you're taking a piss when the bus goes down – or up", Bart slyly responded, to which the other wizard laughed. "By the way, what the hell's a No-Maj?"
"They're people who can't use magic."
"So, how do you know all this stuff?"
"Eh, my family are wizards. I take it that your parents are both No-Maj? Your town isn't known for producing wizards", the wizard mused.
"Yeah. Even if Hom-I mean, my dad, was a wizard, he still wouldn't know which end of the wand to use", Bart joked, causing the other wizard to chuckle.
"Anyway, I think introductions are in order. The name's Boot, Seraphinus Boot. My ancestors, Chadwick and Webster Boot, founded Ilvermorny", Seraphinus stated, turning to offer Bart his hand. As Seraphinus did so, Bart took note of his curly brown hair, high cheek-bones and dark brown eyes which burned with the passionate intensity of a thousand suns.
"That's cool. The name's Bart Simpson", Bart replied, shaking Seraphinus' hand.
"Pleasure to meet you Simpson. So tell me, what do you know about magic?"
At this, Bart recounted how he had used both non-verbal and wandless magic from a young age, going over some of his most impressive pranks, one of which included levitating a stick and transfiguring it into a beehive before banishing it towards Groundskeeper Willie, who was promptly attacked by a bunch of angry bees. At this, Seraphinus was both amused and impressed.
"You could transfigure objects into animals without a wand and cast non-verbal spells at such a young age? I'm really impressed Simpson. You're going to be a very powerful wizard if you apply yourself", Seraphinus enthused.
"What, you mean not every young wizard can do it?" Bart exclaimed with genuine surprise. "I mean, my little sister knows how to, um, transfigure stuff as well."
Seraphinus surveyed him with surprise before shaking his head. "No Simpson. Not even I can do that. That said, I'm really good at Charms. I take after my ancestor Chadwick in that regard. He actually wrote our current charms textbooks."
"Pfffft. I hate reading textbooks. That's more my sister's thing", Bart blandly responded.
Feeling rather put out, Seraphinus duly changed the subject. "So what house do you expect to be placed in? I think that I'll be placed in either Wampus or Thunderbird like my ancestors."
"I dunno. How are you selected?"
"Well, there are four: Horned Serpent, Wampus, Thunderbird and Pukwudgie." At hearing the name Pukwudgie, Bart burst into laughter.
Ignoring him, Seraphinus continued. "Horned Serpent prefers scholars, Wampus favours warriors, Thunderbird prefers adventurers and Pukwudgie prefers healers. I personally think that you'll be placed in either Wampus or Thunderbird."
Bart nodded in response, as Seraphinus engaged in a lengthy monologue documenting the exploits of his ancestors and family members. Not wanting Seraphinus to dominate the conversation, Bart responded by regaling Seraphinus about his various activities outside of school, including solving crimes, travelling to various locations and even causing an international incident with the Australians. At this, Seraphinus struggled to control his laughter.
Bart then asked whether Ilvermorny offered baseball, soccer or American football. Looking utterly perplexed, Seraphinus dryly noted, "I wouldn't know those sports from a hole in the ground. No, students at Ilvermorny can play either Quidditch or Gobstones. Quadpot is also popular in America's wizarding community, but it's not played at Ilvermorny – it's too dangerous, you see."
Barely containing his laughter at those names, Bart nonetheless asked what those games entailed, to which Seraphinus gave another lengthy explanation. Bart ultimately wasn't sure whether he found flying on broomsticks and beating opponents with bludgers more enticing or simply handling an exploding Quad. Seraphinus explained that his father had been a reasonably skilled Chaser for Thunderbird and hoped that he could in turn prove his worth on the Quidditch pitch.
At this, Bart decided to mine Seraphinus for information regarding where the school's brooms might be kept, for he thought that he could have a little fun with one during his spare time.
Oblivious to Bart's intent, Seraphinus simply responded, "My father told me that each house's broom is kept in a secure shed within a certain part of the Quidditch grounds to prevent them from being tampered with by members of other houses."
Bart was unfazed by this information; he had long since perfected the unlocking charm in order to sneak into places, such as Springfield Elementary teacher's lounge, and wreak havoc.
Bart then asked Seraphinus why he acquired an eagle owl. "Well, my family have used eagle owls for generations, since my family have historically been closely associated with the Magical Congress of the United States of America, or MACUSA for short, which has an eagle as its emblem. Why did you get yours?"
"Oh, I just thought it looked cool", Bart responded with his trademark nonchalance.
Before long, the flying bus had landed on Ilvermorny Castle grounds. Both Seraphinus and Bart walked into the entrance hall, with their owls having been taken to the Owlery by the groundskeeper beforehand. The supervising teacher, who turned out to be Professor Goldstein, explained that students were to step on a Gordian Knot in the centre of the hall. At this point, the large wooden statues representing the mascots of the four houses would react if they wanted the student in their house.
The name "Boot, Seraphinus!" was called out in rather short order by Professor Goldstein. At this, Seraphinus patted Bart on the back and said, "Good luck, Simpson. Hope to see you in whatever house I get placed in", before confidently strolling off. When he stepped on the Gordian Knot, the Thunderbird carving beat its wings.
At this, the Thunderbird house cheered and chanted, "We've got Boot! We've got Boot!" However, before he could sit down at the Thunderbird table he was directed by another professor to another large hall to obtain his wand.
At this display, Bart slyly mused inwardly, Hmmmm. Seems that Seraphinus is a celebrity or something. Maybe because his ancestors founded this school? Anyway, he might be worth staying close to – maybe I can share some of his attention.
Eventually the name "Simpson, Bartholomew!" was called out and Bart proceeded to the Gordian Knot. When he did so, the Wampus carving roared and the Thunderbird carving beat its wings.
After murmurs of surprise rippled through the Great Hall, Professor Goldstein implored, "Choose your house quickly, Simpson!"
Enjoying the attention, Bart trolled Professor Goldstein by taking the next five minutes to decide before shouting "Thunderbird!" in a bid to stay close to Seraphinus.
Seraphinus applauded heartily along with the rest of the house, but Bart had to obtain his wand in the large hall first. In the large hall he met four wandmakers: Shikoba Wolfe, Johannes Jonker, Violetta Beauvais and Thiago Quintana.
Beauvais had him try a 13-inch wand which was made of swamp mayhaw wood. This wand did shoot out some sparks when Bart tried it, but Beauvais seemed unimpressed and had Quintana hand Bart one of his wands, a sleek 15-inch wand with a core from the mysterious White River Monster. Much to Quintana's annoyance, this wand simply disintegrated in Bart's left hand, to which Bart quipped, "Ay carumba!"
Jonker then handed Bart one of his wands, an 11-inch wand which a mother-of-pearl inlay and a Wampus cat core. Bart tried to cast a levitation spell using this wand but found his aim not to be true.
Finally, Wolfe handed him a 12-inch wand intricately carved wand which had a Thunderbird tail feather as a core. He then fired at a table and transfigured it into a cheetah, which bolted from the hall with teachers in hot pursuit.
At the display Bart yelled "Oy vey baby!" knowing that he had found his perfect wand. From there, Wolfe simply shortened the wand so he could grip it more easily, after which Bart left the hall and sat next to Seraphinus.
"Congratulations on being sorted into Thunderbird, Simpson! I hope this is the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship!" Seraphinus effused.
"Yeah, so do I", Bart casually replied. They then engaged in a little bit of wand play, cocking each other's wands back and forth, taking in the fact that they had nigh-on identical wands, with Seraphinus' wand being a tad longer.
After savouring the most sumptuous feast that Bart could recall and enduring a speech from Headmaster Agilbert Fontaine, a clean-shaven, stern-looking man with sleek black hair and black eyes that seemed to penetrate one's soul, the prefects led Bart along with the rest of the first-years to the Thunderbird common room, which was located in one of the castle's highest towers, christened Thunderbird Tower. The common room itself was painted in the house colours of red, gold and green, with a fireplace alongside several sofas and tables being featured in the middle of the room. At this, Bart thought, cooooooooooooool.
The female prefect then went into a long speech about what Thunderbird stood for, how students could best live up to such ideals and what students needed to do if they had any problems. Bart didn't pay much attention to this speech, instead losing himself in fantasies regarding Itchy blowing up Scratchy with a Quad.
Professor Goldstein eventually strode in and gave each student their schedule. To Seraphinus' joy, they had Charms, Transfiguration and Defence Against the Dark Arts, with a spare period in between the latter two classes. At this, Bart evilly thought, "That's when I can have a little fun with one of the house brooms."
For Bart, Charms was a fairly prosaic business. Along with Seraphinus, he of course knew how to perform the Levitation Charm, having used it in many a prank, but he wrote as little as he could get away with. Transfiguration, as taught by Professor Goldstein, was equally dull for Bart, as he could transfigure the alphabet in his sleep. Nonetheless, Goldstein awarded Bart 5 points, despite being annoyed by Bart's proclivity for writing as little as possible.
Mercifully for Bart, Transfiguration ended, allowing him to try and locate the Quidditch grounds and therefore the shed with Thunderbird's house brooms. Before doing so however, he misled Seraphinus into believing that he was simply seeking out the nearest toilet, before surreptitiously casting both the Disillusionment and Silencing Charms to avoid unwanted attention from teachers and students. He recalled that those charms invariably allowed him to perpetrate certain semi-legal activities without detection, such as shoplifting at the Kwik-E-Mart.
After some searching, he finally found the Thunderbird broom shed on the Quidditch grounds. He suspected that these locks would be more difficult to undo than regular locks, so he chanted the incantation for the unlocking charm that he had only recently learnt about in his newly-acquired textbook, "Alohomora Duo!" duly opening the lock and allowing Bart to sneak into the shed before leaving the door partially closed.
He then examined the brooms. Finally, he laid his eyes upon the house's newest broom; the Cleansweep Seven.
All of a sudden, Bart 'heard' the broom in question calling out to him, "Hey Bart; I'm Mandy, fly me!"
Eh, maaaayyyyyyybe I shouldn't, Bart thought to himself, having second thoughts about the endeavour.
"What, aren't you a real man Barty boy? Do you like getting it on with boys instead of girls?" Mandy taunted.
At this, Bart bristled and narrowed his eyes at the broom. "Let's go", Bart commanded.
"Now you're talking", Mandy purred as Bart took the broom off the wall and sat on it, holding it in a death grip.
"Ready?" the Cleansweep seductively asked.
"Whenever you are, baby."
At this, the broom shot out of the shed at frightening speed, blasting the door off its hinges and leaving Bart clinging onto the broom for dear life while screaming for the divine intervention of every deity that came to mind. Indeed, the broom more or less had its way with Bart, dragging him around the Quidditch grounds like a particularly hyperactive dog would drag its owner.
Unfortunately, while Mandy was busy treating Bart like a ragdoll, Headmaster Fontaine and Professor Goldstein had come out to inspect the grounds, with both having their back to Bart. Seeing something on the ground, Fontaine bent over to determine what it was.
To Bart's horror, Mandy suddenly straightened, sending both the broom and the terrified boy clutching on to it on a collision course with Fontaine's posterior. At this point, Professor Goldstein saw Mandy coming and shouted to the heavens, but by then it was too late – Mandy crashed into Headmaster Fontaine's behind with a comical KAPOW!
Bart was thrown a short distance when this happened and almost immediately fell unconscious, with his last thoughts being filled with dread regarding what the two professors would do to him once he regained consciousness.
Regrettably for Bart, his worst fears came to pass as soon as he regained consciousness in the infirmary, with Headmaster Fontaine, Professor Goldstein and another man that he did not recognise looking over him. Headmaster Fontaine in particular looked like he wanted nothing more than to flay Bart alive, but instead elected to allow the unknown man to make a statement. The man, who introduced himself as Tychus Tolliver from MACUSA while twirling Bart's wand like a plaything, stated as such:
"Mr. Simpson, Ilvermorny is a school which holds itself to the highest behavioural standards. The truth is, Headmaster Fontaine had reservations about allowing you to attend this hallowed institution because your antics are somewhat…legendary among the wizarding teaching community. He knew about the various feats of magic that you've used to terrorise your No-Maj primary school teachers. However, he believed that all American wizarding students should be granted an opportunity to attend Ilvermorny and so he decided to give you the benefit of the doubt.
Unfortunately, he now believes, and I am minded to agree, that this benefit has been misplaced and that you are incapable of adhering to this school's behavioural standards. You are hereby expelled from Ilvermorny School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and so I will have to snap your wand.
However, while you will be forbidden from attending a wizarding school within the United States as per Congressional regulations, Headmaster Fontaine has generously allowed you to attend a wizarding school overseas, for he believes that your magical talent may eventually benefit the global wizarding community."
At this, Tolliver gripped Bart's wand, with Bart's eyes bugging out like saucers as the lovingly crafted wand slowly began to creak under the pressure Tolliver was applying to it. Eventually, it discreetly snapped, although to Bart's delicate ears it may as well have sounded like a gunshot, because his ability to practice wand magic was for the time being terminated with extreme prejudice.
After this had occurred, Tolliver and Headmaster Fontaine left the infirmary and the matron gave him a bone-healing potion and cast a concussion-healing charm on him. After this, Professor Goldstein unceremoniously dragged him out of bed, took him to Thunderbird Tower to collect his belongings, to the Owlery to collect Balthazar, and then out of the school grounds. She then apparated with Bart to his house and left him standing outside the front door, at which point he walked in to face the music.
After recounting his story, Bart stopped to look at Homer, who had a look of pure rage etched upon his face. He then uttered, "Why…you…little!" before choking Bart like a chicken.
Author's notes for Chapter One:
Bart's antics being legendary among the wizarding teaching community is a reference to 'Special Edna', wherein it is discovered that his actions have made him a legend among the No-Maj teaching community.
Bart being able to transfigure is inspired by 'Treehouse of Horror II: The Bart Zone'.
Bart's ability to cast charms/hexes non-verbally/wandlessly will be explained in later chapters. Bart only having very recently learned the actual incantations for spells is to be expected since it would not be easy, if at all possible, for Bart and Lisa to acquire any wizarding books on the topic, given how their parents are No-Maj/Muggles. Just because one can use controlled magic verbally/non-wandlessly does not mean they know any specific incantations, as Tom Riddle proved. I just realised this and made some minor edits to that effect.
BTW, Bart might not be very studious in general, but he is eager to learn if it helps him accomplish a specific goal, such as pranking people, which the Unlocking Charm incantation would.
While this is never made clear in canon, I would assume that Professor McGonagall apparated to Hermione's house to deliver her letter personally since she was a Muggle-born, so I have had Professor Goldstein do the same here.