Nathan quietly shut the door to his son's bedroom after he was fast asleep. Jamie had actually been asleep for about an hour now, but Nathan hadn't wanted to let him go. It was the first time he had put him to bed in a week, and he missed it greatly. He was trying to cherish the fact that Haley had let him put their son to bed. He was surprised she hadn't told him no and kicked him out.
Things with his wife were past the point of bad now. Just last week, he had tried to make amends with her, and he thought he was getting somewhere. She had opened the door and fell into his arms. He figured he was forgiven but then a fight had broken out after he admitted the truth about the kiss with Jamie's former nanny to her. It was a bad fight, and Nathan told her that he couldn't take it anymore.
Before the fight had gotten even worse, they noticed that their young son was missing. It was Haley who had noticed him first - face down in their pool. Nathan had beaten her out there, jumping in the pool in all his clothes, shoes and socks still on. He passed Jamie to his mother quickly and when he got out and tried to comfort them, Haley had told him to stay away and that their marriage was over. She then told him after crying out in anguish that she wanted a divorce. He had stared at her cradling their son for a minute before getting up and walking out of the backyard. That was the last time he had seen either of them.
Until tonight.
When Lucas told him that they were having his bachelor party at the house that was technically still his, his heart did a little flip flop. He had a feeling his meddling brother had a plan. And he was right. Lucas had told him before they went in that the bachelor and bachelorette parties were being combined and that Haley would be at the house. When he saw Haley open the door, and her smile fade when she saw him…well, he hadn't felt hurt like that in a long time.
All night he had tried to talk to her. He tried to get her to come play Rock Band with himself and Jamie. She refused, saying she was too busy. Then he tried to apologize to her and she basically went off on him without throwing a fit. She told him she was the one that was sorry. She was sorry for trying to change him and that she was done.
He hadn't talked to her since then except to ask for permission to go read to Jamie and put him to bed. She had just looked at him for a minute and nodded, telling him about Jamie's latest favorite book. Jamie was thrilled to have his daddy putting him to bed again, and Nathan felt the same way. He wished he could be back doing it every night.
He and Jamie had talked about the fact that he wasn't there. Nathan's heart broke as he told his son that he was on a "time out." Jamie had asked if the reason Nathan wasn't staying was because of Haley but he had assured him that that wasn't the reason - that Haley was the best mom in the world and that Jamie shouldn't forget it. Looking into Jamie's eyes and seeing the hope for his daddy to be home and then watching them become big and sad when he found out Nathan wasn't staying was one of the hardest moments of his life, he was sure.
He stopped dead in his tracks when he found Haley leaning up against a wall in the hallway. He presumed she was waiting on him. "Everything okay?" he asked her, noticing her slumped frame and sad eyes.
"No, Nathan." She sighed, crossing her arms. "Jamie misses you so much…none of this is fair to him. He doesn't deserve to be stuck in the middle of our crap."
"I know." He ran his hands across his face. "God, I'm sorry, Haley. I don't know what you want me to do anymore. It's like anything I try, it's wrong. I try to apologize and it's wrong. I try to tell you the truth and it's wrong. You expect so much of me and when you don't get it exactly the way you want it, you get pissed at me."
Her mouth dropped open in shock. "You have got to be kidding me. I get pissed at you? Okay, Nathan, please tell me when you try something and I get pissed at you. Please give me a time reference here because I'm just not remembering it."
"How about when I do something with Jamie but you don't like it? Like tonight even! He was asking to play a game with his parents and I told him okay, but then you got pissed at me and walked away for it." He sighed. "You expect me to be this perfect father and perfect husband and I'm sorry I can't deliver!"
"When have I ever said you needed to be perfect?" she erupted in anger. "I have NEVER told you I expected perfection! Do I think you need to be a good father and husband? Yeah, I do. Do I expect it? Yeah, probably. But I've never expected perfection."
"That's crap and you know it, Haley!" he fired back. "You may not say it out loud, but I can tell it every time I look you in the eyes after I've failed something! Remember my accident and you coming to the hospital? All I could see was disappointment and failure in your eyes. And that was because you were expecting perfect and I failed you and you were disappointed!"
She shook her head at him and looked away from the blue of his eyes. Yes, she had always expected Nathan to be a good husband and father. That was because she knew him, though. She knew the person he was capable of being. She knew she expected a lot out of him, she admitted to that. But that was because she had seen Nathan at his best, and his best was pretty damn good.
"Well then you completely mistook whatever it is you saw in my eyes that night, Nathan," she said quietly. "Because the only thing I could feel was worry for you. I wasn't even thinking about you failing. I can promise you that."
"Okay, whatever you say," he muttered sarcastically, turning away from her.
She grabbed his arm and made him look at her again. "Don't act like that. Don't act like you're sixteen years old again and that you can just walk away from any fight we have like you did back then," she ordered him, staring him down.
"I'm walking away?" he scoffed at her, pulling his arm out of her grasp. "You're the one asking for a divorce Haley."
"Because things have gotten too damn hard! You're right; I expect a lot out of you. And I shouldn't. So that's why I'm asking for this. Because I'm tired of expecting and hurting you by it and then getting myself and Jamie hurt in the end when what we think you'll be doing doesn't work out."
"Sorry I'm not who you want me to be," he told her after a long silence. "Maybe one day you'll marry someone who can be a better husband and a better father to Jamie!"
Her mouth dropped open. How dare he speak like that to her! Why would she even consider getting remarried or finding a new father for Jamie? Why would she do that when every single part of her was still in love with Nathan?
Of course, just because that was the case didn't mean she wanted to just forget about getting a divorce. Even more so now that he had accused her of wanting to get married again and find Jamie a new father. She would never consider that - not in a million years. Jamie was Nathan's son, and no one else's. She wouldn't take that away from Nathan, and she wouldn't take that away from Jamie either.
"Daddy?"
Nathan's head whipped around to find his son staring up at him with questions in his blue eyes. Haley looked back and forth worriedly between the two of them. Surely Jamie had heard the two of them. That was inevitable, and Haley should have realized that when she started raising her voice at Nathan. She was about to say something when Jamie spoke up first. "Why don't you want me anymore, Daddy?" he asked, tugging on Nathan's hand.
"Oh, God." Nathan dropped down to his knees, coming face to face with Jamie. "I will always want you," he swore to his son, pulling him closer. "I love you, Jimmy Jam."
Jamie shook his head at Nathan, backing away. "You just told Mommy that I could have another daddy. I heard you."
Nathan sighed and Haley looked at him, her heart breaking even more than she ever thought it possibly could. He looked so broken and confused and she could tell he was feeling completely alone. She had turned her back on him, and now his son didn't think his daddy wanted him anymore. "Hey Jamie," she interrupted, trying to save Nathan. "Come here for a minute." She kneeled down like Nathan did and waited on Jamie to come to her.
"What?" he asked, rubbing his eyes. She could tell he was really sleepy, and she felt awful that he was lying there listening to that.
"We were just having a fight. You know how Mommy and Nanny Carrie fought the other night? And I said some not nice things to her?" He nodded, and Haley cursed herself for bringing up Carrie. Jamie was just starting to get over that whole issue. "Well, that's what Daddy was doing. He was just saying some not nice things."
Jamie looked at Nathan then. "Why, Daddy?"
"Jamie, we all say things we don't mean sometimes. You know that. Remember the other day when you told me that you told Mommy you hated her? I know you didn't mean that Jamie, but you said it anyway. Know what I mean?"
His son nodded. "But it's still not nice!"
"I know," Nathan mumbled, pulling Jamie back to him. When he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around his son. "I'm sorry I said it. Daddy didn't mean it."
"You're forgiven, Daddy."
Jamie said it so seriously that it was funny. Haley had to bite back her laugh. This was so not the time to be laughing at her son's antics. This was about figuring things out. "Jamie, come here." She held out her hand to him and when he took it, she guided him to his bedroom. "Why don't you try and go to sleep? Mommy and Daddy need to finish talking and when we're done, if you're still awake, I'll come in and say goodnight, alright?"
"Yeah." He nodded and put his arms around his mother. "I love you, Mommy."
"Oh, my boy." She squeezed him tight. "I love you, too. Now get in there before we have to hang you by your toes!"
"Oh no!" He giggled and ran into his room, shutting the door.
When Haley was sure he couldn't hear anything, she turned back to Nathan. He was still kneeling on the ground, the same stricken expression on his face. She knew he was torn up that Jamie had heard him. Nathan had a history of saying things he didn't mean, and while they hurt her, they probably hurt him ten times worse after he had realized what he had said.
"Hey." She held her hand out to him, pulling him up. "We better get downstairs so he can't hear us anymore." Nathan nodded mutely and followed her down the stairs. They sat at the kitchen counter and Haley decided to just dive right in. "You really mean that? You want me to find someone else one day?"
"God no, Haley!" he exclaimed, a horrified expression crossing his face. "How can you even ask me that?"
"You said it upstairs," she pointed out to him. "You said it, and with you, I never know if you mean things or not. You just have a way with how you speak, Nathan and it -"
"Well I am so fucking sorry," he ground out, gritting his teeth. "I'm so sorry that I can't be the perfect husband you always wanted. You always have to pick and choose with me, Haley. You can't just accept the good and the bad. They come together, and they always have. Sorry that my good isn't good enough and that my bad is too bad for you."
"Nathan, I love you," she swore to him, reaching across the table and putting her hand on top of his. She had to admit it stung a little when he pulled away. On the other hand, she couldn't blame him for being angry with her. She had started all of this by suggesting a divorce, and Nathan never handled rejection or bad news well. "I promise you that I do and I always have. I love everything about you. I love the way your eyes turn into a darker shade of blue when you're concentrating, and the way you try so hard to be the best father to Jamie. I love the way you protect me, I love the way you try to cook breakfast for me on Saturday mornings even if it doesn't always turn out the best." She chuckled to herself. "I love how you're a good brother to Lucas and you never let him down…I love how you don't let anyone down. You try so hard to keep everyone else happy without thinking of yourself first, and that is amazing, Nathan Scott."
"Then why?" he whispered to her, tears pooling in his eyes. "Why are you doing this, Haley?"
"I need you to understand that I'm still in love with you, Nathan. You have to know that, and that's why all of this is so hard. It's hard that I love you so much and nothing goes our way, you know? It's like we try so hard and nothing turns out right. Every time something good happens, two seconds later, it's replaced by something bad, and I just can't do it anymore." She reached over and brushed a tear off of his cheek that had made its way down.
He gave a gentle smile at her gesture. She was right about everything. Every time something went the way they thought it was going to and they got in their comfort zone, it was ripped out from underneath them. It had been like that since they were sixteen years old and maybe Haley had to be the one to point that out to him. Maybe she was right and it was taking an argument to make him realize that.
But of course, that was life. Life threw them curveballs every day, but they always bounced back from them. Nothing could keep them down for long, and that had to say something about the two of them together. They made it through everything, no matter how hard.
"We make it through everything," he said fiercely. "We always have. We can make it through this. I know we can. It's just going to take some time."
"Maybe so," she agreed. "Maybe we can make it through this. So I'll tell you what, Nathan. Let's just both take some time and figure out what we really want, alright? We don't have to not be around each other. You can see Jamie whenever you want, you can call me whenever you want…you don't have to be a stranger. I just think that this time will do us some good. We can stay in touch but keep apart for now, you know what I mean?"
She knew she was giving him a lot. In her mind though, Nathan was completely worth it. She had loved him for a long time now, and she knew that wasn't going to stop anytime soon. She wanted to take the time and figure out what she wanted, but give him some hope too. He was right about how they made it through everything, and that gave her a little bit of hope for the two of them. The hope he had given her allowed her to give him some back.
"Yeah." He stood up. "Well, I think I'm going to get going. I'll call tomorrow, okay?"
She smiled at him, standing up as well. "Thank you for being understanding, Nathan. I promise one day we will get this worked out."
"I know." He put an arm around her and squeezed gently, releasing her just as quickly as he had grabbed her. "Whatever you decide, I will respect it," he promised. "I just think that you and I…we're never going to be over, Hales, and we can work this out."
She nodded. "Good night, Nathan."
"Good night." He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear before walking through the kitchen.
He smiled to himself as he walked down the driveway. They weren't back together yet, and he wasn't sure they ever would be. But for now, he had a little ray of hope, and that was a start. And quite frankly, that was all he needed.