"I should be out there," Steve mutters absentmindedly. The brunette kind of thinks he didn't mean to state that aloud, after all, it was a very soft whisper.
They're both sitting on a roof - a very rickety one at that, with creaks and indents in all the wrong places. Bucky wouldn't allow Steve up here if they haven't hung out on it millions of times. Bucky looks off into the distance, half enjoying the sunset, and half holding herself back from saying something stupid. But, Bucky being Bucky, still manages to say something stupid. Something like, "No."
Now it's her turn to realize that no, that wasn't just in her head - Steve definitely heard it and a ninety pound asthmatic is looking at her angrily. "Wow. 'M glad I can count on you for support, Buck. You - you're just like the rest at the end of the day, aren't you?" The thing is, Steve had meant to sound angry, but it came out almost desperate, and a little betrayed.
As much as she hates to admit it, Bucky feels a little prick in her eyes. She doesn't cry. Not in front of Steve, because Bucky is the strong one. She's his example, his role model, his best friend.
Sometimes, and Bucky would never, never ever say this; never even think about telling another soul. But, once and a while, she wants to close that gap between them.
But Steve deserves someone so much better than Bucky, and it would be selfish to cross that line.
"No, Steve. Ya know that's not what I mean," the brunette says, her throat suddenly dry, "and you know I want to be out there too."
Regret pools in Steve's gut. Yeah, he crossed a line. He might be weak and frail, but Bucky has to face gender equality issues. It's better now, then it was a few years ago, but not by much.
Doll and dames are filling up Brooklyn, since most men started to get drafted, and the blond notices Bucky's longing stares at every military uniform. "You know, they're...they're considering drafting women," he says hesitantly.
Their eyes meet. "What?" Bucky asks, hope and disbelief in her tone. He regrets telling her, because now she's going to look into it, and then she'll be drafted and leave and he'll be alone and -
Steve swallows. "Yeah." He scratches the back of his neck carefully, looking at the sky. "Well, mostly for nurses, but... I've heard some rumors..."
Bucky laughs and strokes the apple in her hand. Looking down at it, the brunette rubs it against her shirt. "Do ya wanna bite?" She asks Steve distantly. A bit confused a the subject change, the blond is left feeling dizzy, but quickly recovers. "No," he murmurs.
Not wanting to argue - and she knows she should, money isn't a huge problem anymore, but Steve could definitely use the nutrients in the damn apple - Bucky raises it to her face and bites into it. While she chews, Steve says, "I know ya wouldn't be much of a nurse, Bucky, but... I mean, if anyone could convince them to let women serve... I'd be you."
The asthmatic really hates himself right now, not only is he ineligible - they made that very clear when he first answered to the drafting - but now he's basically giving Bucky the green light to run off and join the freaking army.
Bucky is the strongest person Steve knows, and he knows, knows that they'll accept her. But so many horrible things could occur if she left. And, what's Steve Rogers without Bucky Barnes?
Out of nowhere, Steve hears Bucky laughing. When he looks up, she's clutching her stomach and seemingly about to fall of the dang roof, Steve's heart hammers against his chest unintentionally. "What?" he asks, placing his knobby, callused hand on her knee.
Bucky's hysterical outburst turns into quiet giggle when she realizes that she's got Steve's attention, and she wipes her eyes. "Nothin', it's just..." the brunette pauses, her forever-bruised fist rubbing against her eyes, "look at us. Seems me and you were just...born in the wrong body."
The blond's eyebrows knot together. Born in the wrong bodies? What's that suppose to mean? When Bucky opens her eyes, she gets a good look at Steve's expression and bumps into him softly, fondly.
Taking another bite of her Red Delicious, Steve waits until she's done chewing and such patiently. Comes with being an artist, Steve supposed, being patient.
Artist, he mentally scoffs, comes with hanging around Bucky Barnes is more like it.
After swallowing, his best friend wastes no time before elaborating. "Stevie, I mean, just think!" Bucky looks off into the sky, the sun is on the edge of the horizon, leaving the streets dimly lit by streetlights. "You, you want to be...healthier, able. And me, well I wanna serve too, but I can't 'cause I'ma girl," Bucky states sadly, longingly.
The blond looks to the street below, and a passing gust of air causes him to shiver. And for one of the first times in Steve and Bucky's entire time knowing each other that the brunette doesn't instantly fuss over him. She's really broken up about this gender limitation thing, and Steve can't blame her.
Even if it's unlikely, Steve could still somehow, someway be drafted. It's a one in a billion chance, but he's still male. Bucky is a fighter, she's tough, but the brunette is still...well...a woman.
"You're right, Bucky. I'm sorry... I shouldn't be complaining when yo - " Bucky cuts him off, angrily shushing him. "No, that's not - dammit, Steve," the older friend growls.
Steve is pretty confused, because Bucky's giving him some pretty weird mixed messages, and his gaze falls to the apple in her lap. It's juicy edges have faded to full brown, and the brunette isn't making a move to finish it anytime soon. But Steve knows she will, because she hasn't been eating much lately, and Bucky was never one to waste.
The orphanage taught her that. Hell - the Great Depression taught her that. Bucky always made sure Steve got enough, if not more than needed, which usually didn't leave a lot for herself. Steve remembers the year he first met her, remembers praying before every meal, with his mom and occasionally his dad, and the time he saw Bucky holding half a loaf of stale bread. Her hands were folded, her head bowed, leaving it painfully obvious that the young girl was praying. The blond tilted his head, and his heart shuttered painfully when he realized that while some family's pray for every meal, some prayed for a single bite.
"It's no fair to us - no fair that no matter how much we work, you'll aways be you and I'll always be me." Steve nods sympathetically and squeezes her knee. Realizing with a start he's still grasping it, he reluctantly retracts his hand.
Steve's been dealing with unfairness his entire life, and he really doesn't feel like mourning his frail body anymore than he did the first time he got into a fight. "I know," he ends up muttering. Bucky finishes her apple in a hurry, realizing that the sun is completely absent from the sky and the only natural light is the sun's reflection in the distant gibbous moon.
"We - " she says rushing, her full mouth making it kind of hard to understand her, "we should get lost." Steve nods in agreement, knowing how dangerous Brooklyn is after hours. The blond pauses and double takes. Okay, more dangerous.
With only the core and steam of her apple left, Bucky chucks it at a dumpster. The brunette doesn't miss.
His best friend wipes her sticky hands on her shirt. It doesn't help really, but it manages to get off most of the juice off her fingers. Steve starts to rise and Bucky follows suit.
The walk back to their flat is silent, save for the distant sounds that are distinctly Brooklyn. Steve is incredibly lucky that he has someone that somehow doesn't make silence awkward; Steve is incredibly lucky to have Bucky.