I know that people that do read my stories are wondering where I've been. To say that inspiration is not needed is to be ignorant when it comes to writing. Inspiration has been very much lacking in my writing process and so I simply stopped. My other SVU stories were taken down so I can re-work and fix what needs to be fixed. There are far too many mistakes in my other stories that need to be addressed. Once I am done with editing them, I will upload them again.
This is a story that I thought about after the episode "Lunacy" aired. I thought a lot about what would have taken place just after Olivia's question and that's where my story begins. I hope it's to your liking.
Addiction
"Are you okay?"
I could hear her speaking but couldn't form a coherent sentence. What do I say to something that just tore my whole world, life, ideals apart? The man I shaped my whole life around went against everything I thought he was. My decision to join the Marine Corp was all for him. I wanted to impress him.
"No."
That was all my brain would allow. The neurons racing from my brain to the muscles in my face would only allow so much at this point and 'no' was all that it would give me. I was surprised I could even stand. I continued to look in the shocked eyes of my partner, my beautiful, confused partner. There she stood dressed to go out only to be right back where she was before.
"Elliot, you look like you got into a fight and why the hell is Richard cuffed?"
She had such sincerity in her big brown eyes, though her voice was stern and a bit angry. I knew she wasn't going to take no for an answer but right now talking was the last thing I wanted to do. Right now a stiff drink and sleep sounded about right.
"Liv…I can't do this right now."
"El…"
"Just back off alright! Talk to the arresting officers. I need some air."
I know that I shouldn't walk away. She would probably complain about my lack of communication later but I just can't do this with her right now. Not when everything I held dear to me became a lie.
"Okay, we won't talk about it, not now at least. Elliot, your face is pretty bad. At least go home and get some ice on that head before you get a bump the size of a golf ball."
She turned to leave me and I suddenly felt my blood stop cold and my breath leave my chest. Home? No way in hell was I going home. Kathy and I weren't exactly on speaking terms yet and what the hell would I say to Dickey? Hello son. Do you remember the man I trusted, the man I named after you? Yeah, he killed a woman. Surprise! Yeah, home was pretty much out.
"Liv, wait. How are you getting home?"
She turned to look at me and suddenly I felt the urge to reach out and bring her into my arms. I didn't of course but the look on her face told me she needed it, maybe even wanted it. Olivia Benson wasn't one to allow her weakness to shine through but feeling like a fool seemed to seep through her skin. Once again she went for the wrong guy and I couldn't help but feel responsible.
"I'll call a cab. That's how I got here so that's how I'll leave."
"I have my car. Let me take you home."
She shook her head and I could see her chest contracting. Why was it so hard to face her with all of my weaknesses? We used to be able to tell each other anything but as time marches on talking just seems to get harder, a waist of time and words sound idle. It's as if speaking a coherent sentence is not possible when we get into a sticky situation.
"You need to get home and like you said, you need some air."
"Stop being stubborn and get in the car."
Oh crap. She's walking closer and with a not so happy look painted on her face.
"You're shitting me right? I ask you something as simple as 'are you okay' and I can't get a straight answer out of you and I'm being stubborn? You have some balls on you."
Simple wasn't the word I would use. If only she knew how much this was eating me alive. I know I should tell her and maybe sometime I will but right now I didn't want to think. I just wanted to be numb. Numb was good. Numb was safe.
"Please get in the car."
She can see that I am not going to ask again. If she says no, that's it. I'm not the kind of man to negotiate, to beg. I'll ask two times at most but after that I'm done. Call it a bad trait but it's something I have never been able to separate from the civility in me and the ass hole in me.
I know I've won when she walks over to the car and slides in to the passenger seat, slamming the door after she's all the way in. She knows me better then anyone else in the world, even better then my wife of twenty-three years. It's sad really. Not that she knows me better then Kathy. The job answers that response without question. It's sad that she knows me so well but I never really take the time to know her better.
Once I get in the car and slam the door, I can see the side of her head while she's looking out the window. From experience, I know this is going to be a very quiet trip to her apartment, a twenty minute ride that will consist of sighs, silence, and taping. My car smells like french-fries, coffee, and cologne with a slight hint of Olivia's perfume. Vanilla. I love that scent.
"You really aren't going to tell me what happened?"
I turn to her after halting at a red light. Does she really not see that I just want to forget it? Fine. If she wants to play this game then so can I. Playing the asshole card, I shove the shit right back.
"You never told me about Seal View so why the hell should I indulge you with my information?"
"You're kidding right? Elliot, I told you what happened! What the hell do you want, details?"
"Something other then 'he knocked me around' would be nice. You never talk about it except with Fin. I feel like the odd man out. Like I'm the only shmuck left out and yet I am supposed to be your partner and 'best friend.' Don't come to me expecting me to give you every detail of my life when you never talk to me anymore."
I can see her shake her head and turn her attention back to the streets of New York. If anything, Olivia was good at avoiding things. I knew she didn't want to talk about Seal View just like I didn't want to talk about the ass that turned my world inside out. The light turns green and so my attention is taken away from her for a slight second. Just for a second. Like I said. I'm an asshole.
"Not talking huh? Figures. Don't expect someone to give you all the information when you don't feel compelled to give the same courtesy. It's annoying and…"
"He almost rapped me."
It was a hushed whisper but I could hear her. I let her words sink in and slowly crawl its way to my conscious mind. I almost hit the brakes, turn her around and demand she tell me exactly what he did but I could tell that she wanted to forget what she had let slip past her lips. I was almost going to let it go but I couldn't. I needed to know how far that basterd got.
"What do you mean 'almost'? What did he do Liv?"
"Elliot, it doesn't matter okay. I'm getting help and that's that. It happened and I can't do anything about it now. So there you go. Now you know."
"No, no I don't. This is the information I get? He slapped me around a little and he almost rapped me? How can I help you if you won't talk to me?"
"I don't want your help! You can't even help yourself Elliot! I saw the unmade bed in the crib this morning. You slept there again. That would make this a week that the crib has been home for you. You can't even keep your marriage from falling apart for the second time and you think I want or need your help?"
Well that hurt. It was all true but coming from her mouth just infuriated me all the more. Throwing it back in her face is something I am famous for so why let up now?
"Oh that's rich coming from a woman who can't even keep a relationship going for more then a few months and you are lecturing me on keeping a relationship? Talk about the pot calling the kettle black."
"I asked what was wrong because I saw how lost you looked. I was trying to comfort you but you know what? As far as I am concerned, you can go to hell. Stop the car."
"We're almost there alright. Keep your thong on."
"Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I can see the outline of your thong from here. You were going to jump into bed with that asshole weren't you?"
"That is none of your goddamn business! What I do outside of work is none of your concern. Worry about your own life and keep the hell out of mine!"
"Sure Liv. Sleep with all the men in the tri state area for all I care."
"I know that you are having a bad day Elliot but don't you dare take it out on me. This is why I don't talk to you anymore! You learn one little piece of information about me then throw it back in my face! Keep it up and I won't be around any more."
"Been there, done that."
She didn't even wait for me to pull into the parking structure and walk her up like I normally do. The minute I pulled into the entrance, she jumped out, grabbed her purse and slammed the door. I sped to get a parking spot and raced up to her apartment. She may have been done but I sure as hell wasn't. I reached her door and banged on the wood as hard as I could.
"Open the damn door Liv! You forget I do have a spare key!"
Some grey haired old guy steps out of his apartment and shouts, "Then use it so we can all get some goddamn sleep!" He shuts the door and I pull out my set of keys. That's when I hear the door open and see her back turned to me as she walks away from the door.
I step through the doorway and shut the door behind me. Her apartment smells like Jasmine and Vanilla. Olivia always smelled like Vanilla and I always thought it was a perfume but maybe it's from the candles she has burning in her living room.
"Say what you have to say then get the hell out."
"He killed Marga Janssen. He killed her. The man I admired for so many years turned out to be a worthless killer."
I sat down on her couch. My legs felt like weights holding me down and keeping me from moving. "I named my son after him for god sake. He shook his fucking hand. That bastered touched my son's hand. Hell, he almost took you out! I feel like a fucking idiot. I feel like I let all of you down."
I could feel the couch dip a little to the weight of a new body. She didn't say anything. Another testament to how well she knew me. Silence. That's what I needed right now. No 'it will be all right' or 'it's not your fault' comments. Silence.
"I need a beer."
"I have a few Budweiser's in the fridge."
She stood up and went to get me what I needed, what I've needed since I walked out of that hotel room after beating the crap out of the man I trusted. With my eyes closed, I could hear Liv open and close the fridge, open the two bottles of beer and walk back to the living room. Looking down, I could see that she wasn't wearing the stilettos she was wearing earlier. In fact, she had nothing on her feet. It was the first time I had ever seen her bare feet. They were beautiful. I looked up and noticed a soft and gentle look on Olivia's face. No matter what kind of ass I made out of myself she always had a way of forgiving me and by God I loved her for it.
Just as I put the brew to my mouth I heard her mumble, "You could never have known what he was capable of Elliot and you didn't ask him to ask me out. He asked me and I said yes."
"Would you have said 'yes' if I hadn't trusted him?"
She sat down and took a long sip of her drink. "Okay, you trusting him did help a little with my decision to say yes but I am an adult Elliot. I also pride myself on being good at reading people. Richard gave me no indication what-so-ever that he was a killer, a little ambitious maybe but a killer? I guess old age is making me loose my touch."
"I've known the guy longer then I've known Kathy, Liv. I didn't see it so age doesn't have shit to do with it."
"What even gave you a hint that it could have been him?"
"Something Dickey said."
"What?"
She took another swig of her beer, set it down on the table and moved a little closer to me. God she smelled good. Her dress rode up a little as she scooted closer to me exposing more of her tanned leg. It took every self control I had not to touch her soft, brown thigh that was exposed to the night air.
"He said, 'anyone would do anything to go to the Moon.' It just clicked. I took the little space ship Richard gave him and compared it to the finger print on the necklace. Once I got the confirmation that it matched, I went over to the hotel and…well…you see my face."
The taste of beer was so sweet and inviting. It cooled every ounce of anger and frustration in me. I set my beer on the table just as I felt Olivia's hand on my leg. It was to comfort me but it did far more then it should have. I wanted to taste her. Call it adrenaline or stupidity. I looked into her beautiful eyes, saw the tenderness and decided to throw caution to the wind.
With one hand on her exposed thigh and the other drawing her face closer to me, I gently touched my lips to hers. It started out slow, testing the waters but once I got passed the testing stage, eagerness took over. I drew her face closer to mine and pressed my lips harder to hers. To say it was good wouldn't be quite right. It was fantastic. I felt every nerve in my skin coming alive. I wanted more. The leg on her thigh wrapped around her waist to draw her body closer to mine. Just as I was about to take the kiss further I felt nothing. I went from sharing the best kiss I've felt in years to being alone on the couch.
"What the hell was that?"
Opening my eyes, I saw that Olivia had stood up and walked to the other side of the living room. I wanted more, more touching, kissing, electricity. I wanted more Olivia but now I had to stop feeling and I had to think.
"I have no idea. I just…reacted."
"Have you completely lost your mind? Elliot, if Kathy finds out about this we're both dead. Hell if Cragen finds out we're dead!"
"Have I lost my mind? Liv, you kissed me back. I wasn't alone here."
"That's not the point Elliot!"
"Stop fucking yelling. I know it's not the point but it happened and I'm not sorry."
I stood up and began to walk toward her. She held out her hand to halt me but I wasn't going to let this go like it never happened. I needed her to see that I didn't regret finally going for what I wanted for once.
"I'm tired of putting my life on hold because it'd be the wrong thing to do or it's against the rules. For once I want to feel instead of being numb."
"The hell with everyone else that gets hurt in the process? What the hell has gotten in to you?"
"Reality."
"You're hurting and so you're looking for a fix. I can't be your cure, El. Call your wife and your kids and go home."
She began to walk away from me but I halted her by grabbing her upper arm. I slowly dragged her back to me and continued where I left off. She felt so soft and sweet. It was like an addiction that I couldn't let go of. It wasn't that I wanted a fix but that I needed a fix. I needed her. Not any woman I could kiss but her. Olivia. I had one hand on her face keeping her in place, my other arm wrapped around her waist and I began to slowly drag her closer to my body. I could have sworn I heard her moan and that gave me the incentive I needed to continue with my ministration. Just how far I was willing to take this was at the back of mind at the moment.
It's torture to stop there but I promise that as soon as I get the opportunity, you will all get more. I hope you enjoyed it and please leave a review, good or bad.