A/N: If you've read any of my previous Wolfstar fics, fair warning; this one is somewhat darker. I wanted to explore a more cynical look at these characters, taking into account all the trauma they went through before even graduating Hogwarts. I may eventually write another part or two to this if I find the time, but for now, I think I'm satisfied with how it ends. Warnings for homophobia (internalized and externalized), alcohol abuse, vomiting, and generally unhealthy relationships.
Remus doesn't think it would have happened had James not been made Head Boy.
Secretly, he's relieved when James sends the news. Remus had been dreading the possibility he would be given the title, dreading the idea of his new duties taking him further away from the other three Marauders, until they realized what an imposter he is, playing at this game of tight knit friendship. James will not leave the Marauders, and the Marauders cannot form a coalition without him; the sanctity of the group is preserved. Nothing has to change, until graduation.
And then Lily Evans becomes Head Girl, and things change very, very quickly.
"They're probably snogging." Peter says, something sickeningly gleeful in his voice.
Sirius had smuggled in Firewhiskey for the first night this year, and James promised to join them after patrol, but it's midnight and they're all halfway to drunk and James is nowhere to be found.
Sirius snorts. "Tone like that, sounds like you want to join them, Wormtail." He sips his firewhiskey, lips curving up into a smile as Peter sputters.
"Of course not." Peter says. "'M not a fucking fairy. Just happy for my mate."
"Maybe he won't keep crying over her when he's drunk." Remus says drily.
Sirius's gaze flicks to Remus. Of all the Marauders, Remus thinks Sirius probably suspects he is an imposter, at least a little. Sirius's stare could pierce armor when he gets drunk like this, and Remus felt unpleasantly like a specimen being dissected.
"You ever thought about what it would be like?" Sirius asks, in the dangerous tone of voice that resulted in some of their most mean-spirited pranks.
"What?" Peter always goads Sirius on.
"Shagging a man." Sirius says, and Peter chokes on his sip of Firewhiskey.
"What, no, that's- ugh-" Peter begins, but Sirius's eyes are still on Remus, still with the same sharp look, and Remus's ears burn.
Remus takes a big gulp of Firewhiskey. "He probably is snogging Evans." he says, wiping at his mouth with the back of his hand. "We're not gonna sleep tonight, he's gonna want to tell us all about it."
"You ever snogged anyone, Moony?" Sirius asks. "Besides Mckinnon at that Christmas party?"
Remus lets out a tiny sigh. "You ever dated anyone for longer than a week, Pads?"
Peter cackles with delight. "Moony, your-" he lowers his voice, even though they're alone in the Common Room- "claws are showing!"
Sirius's eyes haven't left Remus, though, and Remus has a feeling he's only incensed Sirius more. "Sure, Moony, I haven't dated anyone longer than a week." he says, tongue peeking out to run over his teeth. "But I snogged them. Even shagged a few of them. You a virgin, Moony?"
"Why?" Remus asks, temper growing short. "You want a go?"
Normally, this is the point where James cracks a joke and the tension diffuses, but, without James, the silence hangs in the air. He and Sirius have been a little rough around the edges since the so-called prank that nearly got Snape killed. They'd forgiven each other, sure, but they still have these moments, when Remus wants to smack Sirius and he's sure Sirius feels the same way.
Sirius snorts. "Fuck, no. Just wondering why you've never touched a girl. There's certainly been plenty interested in you, I had to listen to Jones go on about how dreamy you were the whole time I was dating her. You could have your pick, if you wanted."
"It's because I'm a great big flaming poofter, clearly." Remus says, letting each word drip with derision. "Is that what you want to hear? Let's change the subject, this joke is old."
Peter laughs, and Sirius, to Remus's relief, lets the subject drop, and they're well into another conversation by the time James arrives to recount his patrol with Lily in great detail (no snogging, but she laughed at three of his jokes). Still, Remus has an uncomfortable itch between his shoulders for the rest of the night. By the time they stumble into bed, Sirius has gone quiet, leaving Remus to wonder- what the hell was all that about?
"I'm telling you, she fancies me, it's happening this time!" James says, during one of their lunches. His brown eyes glimmer with excitement behind his glasses.
Remus smiles, despite his wariness about any 'this time' with James and Lily. James's absences from the group have only made it clear how much they rely on him to be their leader. Peter can barely tie his shoes with James around, and Sirius has been increasingly moody lately in ways only James can deal with. And Remus- James always knew how to make him a part of the group, how to sooth his insecurities. Remus rarely feels an other around James.
"Did you snog yet?" Peter asks, mouth full of food.
James shakes his head. "No. But it's coming, I can feel it. The other night, when we were outside of the Fat Lady, she paused."
"Maybe she just forgot the password, Prongs." Sirius says. His eyes are on his food, as they've been the entire meal.
James shakes his head again, more vigorously, glasses nearly falling off. "No. She looked at me. She paused and looked at me. It was a significant pause, with a significant look."
Remus, despite himself, snorts at James's serious tone, and James rounds on him. "Oh, ye of little faith! You and Pads are just jealous cuz you're bitter and lonely."
For some reason, Sirius takes offense to that, stiffening. "'M not bitter and lonely. I could have any girl in here, you know that." A passing Hufflepuff girl overhears him, and wrinkles her nose.
"Yeah, but you haven't." James says. "Not since you dated Mary McDonald for a week last February. Face it, Pads, you're rusty."
"Am not." Sirius says, stuffing his mouth with food. "Just choose not to date, that's all. Hogwarts girls are all too young, I can't wait til I'm out of here and can date women."
Remus and Peter trade looks of incredulity, and James laughs. "Alright, ladykiller."
Sirius's frown deepens. "You never harass Moony about why he's single."
"Cuz we know." James says. He meets Remus's eyes. "No offense."
Remus shrugs. "None taken." Remus isn't uninterested- he can see, from a certain point of view, the charm in Lily's long red hair, or Marlene Mckinnon's delicate features- but, well, any dating would be complicated, with his furry little problem.
"And anyways, you two are hardly rolling in women." Sirius says, something vicious coming into his voice. "You're living off of looks and pauses, and Macmillan's only dating Peter because she's fancied Prongs forever." Peter's face falls immediately, and Sirius pushes his plate back, standing. "I'm not hungry." he mutters, and stalks off.
After he's gone, Remus exchanges a concerned look with James. "Did his family write?" he asks, because James usually knows.
James, however, shrugs. "Not that he's told me about."
"Maybe it's Regulus?" Peter asks.
"Probably just needs to shag someone." James says, pushing his food around on his plate. "It has been a while. We ought to set him up, try and make him feel better."
As James and Peter discuss how to get Sirius a girl, Remus looks out the door, after Sirius. No, he doesn't think singledom is the issue, here.
He just wishes he knew what was.
James has a 'study session' with Lily after lunch, and Peter has his usual DADA tutoring, so that leaves Remus to break Sirius out from his sulk. It isn't unfamiliar- he and Sirius used to be much closer, back before the Snape Incident. Something about the childhood trauma they had both experienced had bonded them in a way that didn't fit with James and Peter's more peaceful upbringings.
He finally finds Sirius in one of his usual smoking spots, the fifth floor hallway where it looks out on the Forbidden Forest. Quietly, Remus sits down beside him. Sirius stares out the window, and Remus waits.
When Sirius doesn't speak, Remus clears his throat. "Is it your family again? Did Regulus-"
"No, it's not my family, I don't give a fuck about them." Sirius practically spits. He takes a drag from his cigarette.
Remus fidgets, aware he has a twelve-inch Potions essay waiting for him back in the Common Room. "Whatever it is, you don't have to be an arse to us about it. Wormtail is mad for Macmillan, you know that."
Sirius snorts again, but his gaze drops to the ground, and something melancholic tugs at the edge of his mouth as he takes another drag from the cigarette. "Why'd you come find me? I know you've been worrying about that Potions essay all week."
Remus lifts and lowers a shoulder. "Wanted to make sure you were alright, that's all. Prongs and Wormy are worried, too." When Sirius accepts this statement without a reaction, Remus ventures, "You've been off the past week."
Sirius shrugs. "Got some shit on my mind. Want some?" He offers the cigarette to Remus.
Remus takes the cigarette and slowly inhales and exhales, blowing a ring of smoke at the window.
Sirius arches an eyebrow as he takes the cigarette back from Remus. "Impressive."
"Thanks." Remus says, as the ring scatters into air on the window's glassy surface. The sky outside is gloomy and grey, threatening rain later in the evening.
"You know, I think Prongs might be right this time, about Evans." says Sirius. "I saw them walking in the halls the other day, and she smiled at him like he hung the moon. I think they might really get it together this time." He proffers the cigarette to Remus again, and Remus takes it, their fingers brushing slightly in the exchange.
"Huh." Remus says, taking a drag.
Sirius turns to look at him. "You don't think so?"
Remus shrugs. "We've been here before, haven't we?" he says. "They're both great people, but they're not great together. Something always messes it up."
Sirius takes the cigarette back from him, and blows out a cloud of smoke thoughtfully. "Maybe." he says. "But maybe they've both changed this time around."
Remus begins to feel that itching in the small of his back again. Unconsciously, he reaches back and scratches it. "We'll see." he says at last. "If they get together, great. If not, same as always. Doesn't really affect us."
Sirius snorts. His eyes are on the gloomy landscape outside again. "Sure, yeah."
The silence after that is stilted, for reasons Remus can't quite put his finger on. Somewhere upstairs, a couple of first-years are shrieking excitedly. He and Sirius pass the cigarette between them a few more times, until it's just a stump.
"Prongs and Wormtail seem to think you just need a shag." Remus says finally. "They were talking about it after you left, want to set you up. You got your eye on anyone this year?"
Sirius stubs out the cigarette on the windowsill, expression unreadable. "Nah. Kind of bored of all that."
"Huh." Remus says. Without the cigarette, his fingers fidget, rubbing up and down his calves, and he doesn't know quite where to look.
"You?" Sirius asks, almost as an afterthought.
Remus shrugs. "I've got a record to maintain, haven't I? I'll be the only one to make it through all seven years of Hogwarts without a girlfriend."
Sirius snorts mirthlessly. He drums his fingers on the ground. "Not really an accomplishment, if you ask me."
The edge in Sirius's voice has returned. Remus sighs, and begins to stand. "Well, if you're going to be an arse again, then I've got-"
Sirius catches his wrist. "Wait. Sorry. Stay."
Gingerly, Remus sits back down beside him. "What is the issue, Padfoot? You know we just want to help."
Sirius looks at the ground again, biting his lip as though he might swallow it. "Nothing." he says finally. "Just worn out. Seventh year workload and everything."
And Remus thinks he gets the issue. It's their last year as group, and James spends half his time off with Lily and Prefecting. He puts his hand over Sirius's. "Yeah, I understand."
Sirius looks down at Remus's hand, and up at him. "You really never thought about it, Moony? Shagging a man?"
Remus draws his hand away as though he's been shocked. "Fuck, where did that come from?" he snaps. It's one thing for Sirius to joke about that sort of thing in front of the other Marauders, and quite another for him to ask right now, when they're alone, passing a cigarette between them.
Too late, he realizes he hasn't said no, and from the quirk in Sirius's eyebrow, Sirius registers that, too. "Of course I don't want to- to- of course not. I don't know why you care so much, anyways."
"I don't." Sirius says, tone detached. "Just curious." He shifts his position, sitting cross-legged. "I'll apologize to Wormtail and Prongs later tonight, okay? I need a break right now."
And that's a dismissal if Remus has ever heard one. Remus is only too grateful to walk away, to return to his Potions essay instead of the eternal riddle of Sirius Black, but, as he finally settles himself in the Common Room to work, he finds he can't concentrate. The question Sirius asked and the way Sirius asked it keeps sticking in his mind.
Remus furrows his brow, trying to make sense of the difficult Potions text in front of him he's supposed to be writing an essay about. But his thoughts are still on Sirius.
In fifth year, Remus had- thoughts, of the kind Sirius referred to. More than just then, if he's being honest with himself. But fifth year was when it intensified, when he almost felt an electric current running between him and Sirius some days, when he dreamed about Sirius's smile more times than he'd care to admit, before the Snape incident had ruined everything between them.
And if he's being candid, there had been times, when Sirius looked at him with those laughing grey eyes or touched him gently on the shoulder, and Remus wondered if Sirius didn't feel the electricity, too.
James and Lily are not 'happening this time'. Three days later, they have a spat about something or other, and James is back to spending time with the Marauders again.
Which is how Remus and Sirius end up crammed into the entrance to one of the secret passages to Hogsmeade, listening at the wall with the Invisibility Cloak draped over them. The two of them and Peter had been walking ahead of Lily and James's patrol for some harebrained romantic gesture of hiding flowers all over Hogwarts, when they'd heard the unmistakable sound of Filch and Mrs. Norris approaching. Filch they can handle, but Mrs. Norris had a knack for seeing through the Cloak, so Remus and Sirius ducked into the nearest passageway, while Peter stayed in rat form outside to give them the all clear.
Remus tries to keep his breath as light as possible as Filch's voice floats down the hallway. "I know you're out there. We could hear you. Where are you hiding?"
Mrs. Norris meows. Remus knows, logically, that cats cannot see through fake statues, but if any cat could, it would be Mrs. Norris. He meets Sirius's eyes. They're both listening for rat squeals.
Filch's voice comes closer, sing-song. "What do we have, students out of bed for the night? Students thinking they can get away with kissing out in the halls? You'll have plenty of time alone in detention."
Unbidden, Remus's eyes float down to Sirius's lips. The narrow passageway buzzes with energy, as though a powerful spell had been cast around Remus and Sirius. Remus licks his lips, forcing his eyes back up to Sirius's gaze, but there's something of drunk Sirius in his eyes right now that makes Remus wish they had several meters between them.
Outside, Filch keeps rambling. "Thought you could have a nice romantic night, did you? All you children think so. Do you know how many of you I've thrown in detention? Disgusting vermin."
One corner of Sirius's mouth lifts in half a smile. Remus isn't sure if it's from the oft-repeated joke that Filch cares too much about students snogging, or something else. Nervous energy twitches the tips of Remus's fingers, and he clenches them into fists.
Filch is still speaking, but Remus no longer listens, eyes falling closed. Sirius's breath warms his face, his remarkable bone structure and silver eyes and wolfish white teeth far too close to Remus's for comfort. Sirius has been shorter than him since the end of third year, but right now, Remus can hardly tell. Goosebumps are prickling on his arms, the back of his neck.
Sirius's hand brushes his arm, gently, and Remus opens his eyes again. Sirius is still looking at him. The bouquet of flowers tickles Remus's chest, pressed between the two of them in a way that would surely crush them. Absurdly, Remus remembers James's talk of looks and pauses, and his heart lurches in his chest.
The spell dissipates when, outside, Peter hisses, "He's gone!"
Remus pulls away immediately, pressing his hand against the back of the statue and saying the magic words to push it back open. The hallway is a thousand degrees cooler than the secret passageway as Remus climbs out, letting the Cloak slide off of him. He thinks he must be sweaty and blotchy, but Peter doesn't say anything.
Sirius climbs out after him, gathering the Cloak into a bundle he hands off to Remus. He eyes the crumpled bouquet in his hands. "These don't look as good as they did."
"We can put two per statue." Peter says, plucking two of the flowers out of Sirius's hands and placing it in the grasp of the statue they had just hid behind.
"We'll run out." Remus says.
Peter shrugs. "She'll still get the same amount of flowers, won't she?"
And Remus can't argue with that, so he follows Sirius and Peter. His fingers are still trembling slightly. Remus jams his hands in his pockets, and doesn't directly address Sirius for the rest of the night.
One morning, Remus is a little slow to leave the room after James and Peter head downstairs for breakfast. Sirius is dressing for the day, casually tying his tie in a manner suggesting he didn't care about appearances nearly as much as he did.
Remus digs through his own drawers, searching for two clean, matched socks. It's his own fault, really, for jamming them in haphazardly last time, rather than leaving them folded up. He mutters a curse under his breath, thinking about his empty stomach and the sure-to-be-delicious breakfast waiting for them.
"You alright?" Sirius asks.
Remus picks out a grey sock, vowing to find its mate if it was the last thing he did. "Fine. Can't find two clean socks."
Sirius chuckles. "Just wear mismatched ones. That's what I do."
"We're not all savages." Remus says, digging through his clothes. The banter feels nice, it feels familiar.
"That's not what I meant, though." Sirius says, tightening his tie to just the right amount of artful looseness, the way he does every morning. He picks up a bottle of hair product from the counter and begins running it through his hair.
Remus realizes, through the overpowering cloud of hair product, that Sirius is waiting for him to say something. He holds up a black sock. "Maybe I will mismatch today. I'm too hungry to care."
Sirius eyes him as he pulls gel through his hair. Sirius's thin fingers have black nail varnish on the ends, chipped from wear. On any other boy, his masculinity might be called into question, but Sirius manages it.
Remus is weary of whatever game Sirius is playing. Not quite weary enough to drag it out into the open, though. "Do you really need to use that much product?" he adds, and then, "Stop staring at me like I've got an extra head. I don't know what's wrong with you lately."
"You don't." Sirius says, more of a challenge than a statement. Remus begins pulling on his black sock, but the sock is twisted.
Remus sighs. "Look, if you've got something to say, will you just say it? I'm tired of- whatever you've been doing the past few days."
"You want me to?" Sirius says, and the undeniable suggestion in his voice makes Remus jerk his head up in surprise. Sirius is still applying gel to his hair carefully, eyes on Remus. Around them, the room seems to shrink, growing several degrees warmer.
Remus forcefully tugs on one sock, and a second one. He pulls on his shoes and stands. "I don't know what's going on here." he says. "I'm going to go eat."
Remus isn't running away, he tells himself, even as he hurries downstairs to catch up with James and Peter. He's hungry, and Sirius is acting odd, and Remus would rather deal with everything on on a full stomach.
Of course, though, when he reaches the Common Room, he finds James and Peter have abandoned the two of them already. Remus jams his hands further in his pockets, and makes his way down to the Great Hall.
"Where's Pads?" James asks as Remus sits down across from them.
"Still working on his hair." Remus begins spooning a heaping portion of eggs onto his plate, revelling in the delicious smell. "Was too hungry to wait."
James squints at him. "Everything alright between you two? You've both been weird lately." Beside him, Peter nods vigorously in agreement.
Remus pauses with his spoonful of eggs halfway to his mouth. Maybe he had been avoiding Sirius a bit lately, since the odd charged moment they'd had in the passageway, but he'd thought they'd been acting normal. "Yeah." he says finally. "Uh, yeah, we're fine."
"Hmm." James says. "Oi, Pads!"
Sirius spreads his arms wide as he sits down next to Remus, his hair now fully gelled. "I've arrived." he says. "You can all stop mourning my absence now."
"Moony said you were taking forever on your hair." Peter says.
"Did he?" Sirius grins at Remus, slinging an arm around him. "I thought it was rude of you not to wait for me."
Remus shrugs his arm off. "I was hungry."
"Are you using my free samples again?" James asks. "How much do you have left, you want more?"
As they continue talking about James's hair products, Remus nearly jumps out of his skin when a hand strokes on his upper thigh.
"You alright, Moony?" Sirius asks, still grinning.
Remus narrows his eyes at him, aware the others are watching. "Yeah." he says. "I'm fine."
The hand stays on his leg as Sirius keeps talking, thumb gently running up and down his inner thigh a little too close for comfort. Remus waits until Sirius sips his drink, and then not-so-gently takes Sirius's hand off his thigh and puts it directly on Sirius's crotch.
Sirius, as expected, chokes on his drink, spraying it all over the food. It's worth it for the obviously flustered way he answers when James and Peter berate him for ruining breakfast.
Remus just smirks down at his spit-covered eggs and takes a sip of pumpkin juice. "Alright, Sirius?" he asks quietly when James and Peter are engrossed in their own conversation again.
He sneaks a glance. Sirius has both hands on the table, tightly clenched around utensils. He's still a little red-faced, staring down at his drink.
Remus snorts and pats Sirius on the back consolingly, maybe rubs a little too far down. But if Sirius wants to play this game, Remus has no qualms about getting his revenge.
The Slytherins, as it turns out, are not too pleased about the prank they pulled on them in revenge for their bullying of Mary McDonald.
"We gotta get them back." Sirius says. They're sitting in another one of their smoking spots, each with their own cigarettes this time. He shakes his head and snorts. "Boggarts. How the hell did they even get it into our room?"
"Brooms?" Peter suggests.
"I thought we had enough locking spells on our window to survive the castle blowing up." said Remus.
Peter chews his lip. "I...may have undone a few?"
"Pete!" Sirius says mildly. "Traitor!"
"Sorry." Peter says. "Sometimes I want fresh air, you know?"
They had walked into their room to find Peter's corpse lying on the ground, which was rather odd, as Peter was leading the way into the room. Peter had shrieked and pushed Sirius in front of him, and then his corpse had become Sirius's mother, and then Remus had put two and two together and made it into a moon so he could banish it. Sirius in particular was rattled by the incident. Even now, as he takes a drag from his cigarette, his fingers tremble slightly.
"We can put them back on tonight." Remus says. "But I agree with Padfoot. We need to get revenge."
Peter nods eagerly, and, as usual, the three of them look to James.
Only, James hesitates. He's not smoking today, claiming Lily hates the smell.
"Come on, Prongs!" Sirius's voice nearly cracks with desperation.
"I dunno." James carefully tugs at his bangs, avoiding Sirius's eyes. "Look, if we get revenge, then they're just gonna get revenge on us, and then we'll have to get revenge again, and you know I'm always ready to fuck with the Slytherins, but I've been a little busy lately-"
"With Head Boy stuff." Sirius says. "And Evans. Right."
Remus stares down at his cigarette, crossing his eyes. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees Peter put one ragged fingernail to his mouth.
"Sirius..." James begins, and Remus thinks it's James not using Sirius's nickname that infuriates him.
"They put a Boggart in our room!" Sirius hisses. "We walked in on Wormtail's corpse! Do you not care about that?"
"No, of course I care, but-"
"And they're all planning to join up with You-Know-Who the moment they graduate." Sirius says. "I lived in a family of them, I know what they have planned for your girlfriend. You sure you wanna take the high ground here?"
James's voice is soothing, almost pleading. "Pads, do you really think some schoolboy pranks are going to make a difference?"
Sirius stands. "They're not schoolboy pranks. Putting a bloody boggart in our room wasn't a schoolboy prank. And don't call me Pads, James." He tosses down his cigarette, stomps on it with vigor, and stalks off, cursing under his breath.
After he's gone, James looks at the two of them. "You agree with me, right, Moony, Wormtail? I don't know, I'm tired of this cycle we always have going with the Slytherins."
"Yeah, it makes sense." Peter says, although his shoulders are slumped.
Remus doesn't respond. He's not sure whose side he's on, and it's a disconcerting feeling.
"Remus?" James asks, and Remus meets his eyes.
"It was his mum, Prongs." Remus says. "You of all people..."
"They'll do worse next time." James says. "I know he's pissed, but this isn't the way to deal with it."
Remus bites his lip. The words he just misses you, we all do are on the tip of his tongue. But if there's anything he's learned about how to pretend to be part of the Marauders, it's that open affection and honesty aren't in the code. So Sirius resorts to anger at James, and Peter agrees with everything he says, and Remus...
Remus stands, stomping out his cigarette and picking up Sirius's discarded one to toss in the garbage. "I'll go calm him down." he mutters. "See you later."
He walks away, irritated for reasons he doesn't want to think about.
Sirius is in the library, snogging the living daylights out of Marlene McKinnon.
Remus stops in his tracks, stomach dropping. They have a code, they do, not to snog each other's exes without asking. And okay, Marlene isn't exactly his ex, but Remus had fancied her for a while before the infamous party kiss, and they'd all respected that.
He realizes he's been staring when Sirius pulls away, looking up. "Yeah, Moony? Kinda busy."
To Marlene's credit, she smiles. It's a kind smile. "Oh, Remus, sorry-"
Remus clenches his fists again. Anger jolts through him, an electric shock. For a moment, he is frozen on the cusp of a decision, and then his feet carry him forward. He grabs Sirius by the collar and drags him towards the exit.
"Hey!" Marlene says. "Hey, stop!"
"Bloody fuck, Moony." Sirius shakes him off, shoving him away. "What is wrong with you?"
Remus backs off for a second, fists clenched. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he barks.
"You both need to calm down." says Marlene loudly.
"What, McKinnon?" Sirius says. "I'm sorry, were you planning on shagging her anytime soon? You in love with her?"
"Black! Lupin! McKinnon!"
Remus turns. Madam Pince stands behind him, looking terrifying for all her sixty years. He realizes the other members of the library are staring, and something hot travels up the back of his neck.
"I don't know what nonsense is going on here, but it is not going to happen in my library." Madame Pince hisses, eyes narrowing over her glittering spectacles. "Out, all of you. And twenty points from Gryffindor. Each."
Sirius stalks past Remus, out the door, and Remus, still fuming, follows. Behind him, Marlene mutters an apology to Pince, and Pince barks, "OUT!".
When they're in the hallway, Remus stops, waiting, but Sirius just keeps walking.
"Hey." Remus says, and Sirius turns. Remus spreads his arms. "What the hell is going on with you?"
Sirius folds his arms. "You were the one who dragged me out of there."
Marlene walks between them nervously. "Look, if this is about me-"
"It's not, fuck off, McKinnon." says Sirius.
"Merlin, you're an arse." Remus says, as Marlene sags slightly. "Marlene, he doesn't mean it, I don't know what's up with him-"
"I do mean it." Sirius says. "And you can fuck off too, Moony."
Marlene takes that cue to walk away. Remus stalks up closer to Sirius, and shoves him. He's had about enough of his behavior. "I don't know why you're acting like a dick lately, but you can cut it out."
Sirius takes the shove, stumbling backwards. His knuckles are white around his arms. "Stop pretending you give a shit." he snaps.
"I'm not pretending." Remus grits out through his teeth.
Sirius snorts. "Oh, sorry, I forgot how desperate you are."
"Shut up." Remus says, shoving him again until he was backed up against the wall. "You don't mean any of this. Shut the hell up."
"I mean all of it." Sirius says. "You're the fucking charity case of our group. You cried the night we started talking to you-"
"Shut the fuck up." Remus says, fists clenched. They're standing nearly nose to nose now, Sirius still with his arms crossed in an infuriatingly casual manner.
"You don't give a shit." Sirius says. "None of you do. James will just go off and snog Evans, and Pete will be lost without him, and you- you'll bury yourself in homework again, the way you always do-"
"I said stop talking." Remus said, pushing Sirius against the wall.
Sirius arches his neck slightly, haughtily, breath hissing against Remus's lips. "Make me." he spits.
Remus furrows his brow, but only for a moment, and then he punches Sirius across the face. Sirius goes down, clutching at his jaw. "Fuck, Moony."
Remus backs up several meters. His chest is still rising and falling with rage, his hand aching. "Come talk to me when you've sorted yourself out." he snaps, and he turns and stalks off.
Behind him, Sirius groans, and spittle slaps against the ground. Other students fill the hall now, maybe have been there the whole time, staring at him. Remus clenches his fist in his pockets and walks faster.
When he gets back to their dorm, he finds James and Peter, as expected, sitting and talking quietly. As soon as he enters, they rise. "Fuck, Moony, what happened?" James says.
Remus pulls his bruised hand out of his pocket, and shakes it. He's pretty sure he still has some bruise potion left from the last full moon. "I punched him." he says flatly.
"Oh, shit." Peter says, delighted.
James comes over to Remus. "But- what did he do? Did he say anything?"
Anger pounds in Remus's temple as he jerks the drawer open, clattering its contents around. He pulls out the potion and begins dabbing it on his knuckles. Remus wants to say several things, but the first one that comes out is, "He was snogging McKinnon in the library when I found him."
"Fuck." James says, sitting back down, and even Peter is carefully silent, as if worried Remus will punch him, too.
Remus doesn't intend to. At the moment, he doesn't give a shit about Marlene McKinnon. "He misses you, Prongs." Remus says. "I don't know why he's being such a dick about it, but we all miss you."
Peter goes still. So does James. "Sorry." he says after a moment. "I've been busy, with Head stuff, and-"
"Evans, we know." Remus sits down on his own bed. The liquid is cool on his skin, and his irritation drains away. "And we're happy for you, we're glad that you're happy. It's an adjustment."
"I think it's fine." Peter says unhelpfully, but he's looking down at his lap.
James looks between Peter and Remus, and runs a hand through his hair. "Shit, I'm sorry. I'll go talk to him."
Remus nods assent, and pulls out his bag, removing schoolbooks from it. Might as well get something done while he was too worked up to sleep.
Bury yourself in homework again. Remus snorts, and wipes his nose with one hand, getting a whiff of the bruise ointment. And then Sirius had looked up at him, with that scion-of-Black tilt to his chin, and said, Make me.
Unconsciously, Remus rubs his bottom lip, and then realizes what he's doing and sits on his hand. James can deal with Sirius, and everything will go back to normal.
Even as he thinks it, he doesn't believe it.
"Moony."
Remus groans, and turns over, trying to bury his face in his pillow. The intruder shakes him again.
"Moony, wake up."
Remus rolls over. Peter stands above him, face barely lit by Lumos. "What's going on?" he asks.
"Padfoot isn't here again." Peter whispers.
Remus sits up, rubbing his eyes, and pulls back his bed curtains. Except for him and Peter, the room is empty. James has an excuse- he is no doubt out with Lily, taking extra long on their patrol as usual. Sirius, however, has no excuse, and has not for the past three nights.
"What should we do?" Peter asks.
Remus runs his hand through his hair. "He's probably fine."
"What if he went out drinking alone and got hurt?" Peter whispers. "What if he gets caught?"
Remus eyes him. This sort of concern is unusual from Peter, although Remus supposes, if Sirius gets caught, they'll lose their main Firewhiskey source. "He'll be fine." Remus repeats. "He can take care of himself."
Peter still looks nervous though, raising one stubby finger to his mouth, so Remus stands, digging under the bed for his robe. "You want to go find him?" he whispers.
Peter shrugs. "I dunno. I just want to know where he's going."
"Alright." Remus, to tell the truth, is curious as well. "Let's get the Cloak."
The halls are silent and empty at night, even the portraits still and asleep. Every now and then, a ghost floats by, caught up in their own business, but there's no sign of Sirius. It isn't until they check one of the oldest passageways that they find him, out cold with a nearly-empty bottle of Firewhiskey meant for ten men beside him. He's breathing shallowly, but breathing, and a trickle of vomit leaks from his mouth. His clothes are wrinkled, the same ones he's been wearing for two days, and Remus would be surprised if he had a single trace of gel in his hair.
Peter stares at the sight, wide-eyed. "He's really fucked up, isn't he?"
"Yeah, he is." Remus squats down. He may be upset with Sirius, but he knows without fail Sirius will still show up for the full moon next weekend. "Pads. Sirius. Wake up."
Sirius lets out a low moan.
"Do you think he needs to see Pomfrey?" Peter asks.
"Maybe." Remus slings one of Sirius's arms around his shoulder. "Help me get him up."
Peter squats down next to him, and together they maneuver Sirius into a standing position, slung between them. Sirius makes another guttural noise, under his breath. They can't get the cloak over the three of them, so they decided to take their chances, and figure out what to do if the situation arrives.
Twice, they stop because Sirius is making a horrible gagging noise, and Remus worries he's choking. The third time, they stop because figures are coming towards them.
"The Cloak." Remus hisses, because Peter will take it with him if he goes into rat form, but before Peter can hand it off, a female voice calls out, "Oi!"
Lily and James walk towards them, Lily straightening her hair. She raises her lit wand, peering at them, and then narrows her eyes at James. "What's going on here? You three smell."
James is frozen. "Merlin, what the hell happened to Pads?"
"We found him like this." Remus says. "He wasn't in bed."
Lily's expression shifts immediately, to one of concern. "Is that vomit? Did he throw up?"
"Before we found him, yeah." Peter said.
"He needs to go see Madame Pomfrey." Lily says, addressing James.
James runs a hand through his hair. "Fuck, what the hell was he thinking?"
Now that they've stopped, Sirius's weight is heavy again, but Remus is loathe to levitate him in this state. "No idea."
"You should take him back." James says. "The last thing he needs right now is detention."
"But-" Lily begins.
James turns to her, placing a hand on her crossed arms. "Trust me. Pads is...he's not himself."
Lily bites her lip. "Alright, fine." she says after a moment. "Wait." She sighs, dismissing the light in her wand. "Marlene taught me this spell when Mary had too much. It's not fun, but it'll help him sleep. You want me to use it?"
James stares at Sirius. "Yeah, sure."
Lily points her wand at Sirius. "Vinos Expellus." she says, and Sirius immediately throws up, all over the hall floor. Lily wrinkles her nose, and she and James perform a quick Scourgify before Remus or Peter can so much as protest.
Sirius's breathing is much deeper now. He lifts his head slightly. "What..."
"We've got you, Pads." James says. "We're taking you back to the dorm."
Sirius lets out a little grunt, and relaxes more into Remus and Peter's grip, making them both stumble.
Lily's wand is lit again, and she's biting her lip. "Are you sure he's going to be fine?"
"We'll keep an eye on him." Remus assures her.
The walk back to Gryffindor is quiet, but a little more peaceful. The Fat Lady clicks her tongue when they stumble back in, but it's hardly the first time.
"You're lucky I'm not a gossip." she mutters as they drag Sirius's slumbering form through the portrait hole.
Once they've made the arduous journey up the stairs, taking several breaks, they finally let him fall into his own bed.
Peter stands there, wringing his hands. "Will you-"
"I'll watch him." Remus says. "Go to bed."
As Peter disappears inside his curtained bed, Remus takes a seat next to Sirius on Sirius's bed. Carefully, he maneuvers Sirius onto his side, and brushes some of the hair out of Sirius's face. In his sleep, Sirius sighs, and leans into the touch.
Remus falls asleep like that, sitting up against Sirius's headboard, looking down at Sirius's face.
Sometime early the next morning, he's awoken by Sirius groaning and shifting against his legs. Remus opens his eyes. James is back in the dorm, passed out in his robes on top of his pillow, with his head tilted towards Sirius. Sirius, meanwhile, opens his eyes. He's got one arm slung over Remus's legs, and he stares at them. "What?"
"You got pissed." Remus whispered. "Out of your mind. We found you and brought you back." His fingers are moving almost of their own accord, brushing Sirius's hair out of his face again.
Sirius's grey eyes flick upwards to meet his own. "Sorry." he whispers. Remus pats the side of his head, and Sirius wraps his arms around Remus's legs. "C'mon."
Remus knows what he wants. He settles himself down from sitting position, next to Sirius. This wasn't unfamiliar, either, although it had stopped around the end of third year, and neither of them ever addressed it. They were the two with the most nightmares, that was all, they could handle waking each other up.
Remus strokes Sirius's hair, gently, wondering how much of a headache he was going to have in the morning. "You're an idiot." he whispers, staring up at the canopy. "You could've choked on your own vomit. You could've died."
Sirius mutters something apologetic and nestles his head on Remus's chest. Even with the smell, it's warm, and a little comforting.
Remus lets his eyes flutter close. For a moment, he almost feels like a third-year again.
Sirius wakes the next morning with an almighty groan.
Remus has moved in the night to his own bed, and pulled out a book while he waited. Something in him savors the pain in Sirius's eyes as he stares up at the ceiling.
Sirius pushes himself up on his elbows. Remus pulled the blanket over him when he'd left the bed, but Sirius managed to kick it into a tangled mess. His hair sticks up in clumps all over his head, and his shirt, one of his nicer button-ups, has pulled open in several places, and is stained with vomit.
"Shit." Sirius say, putting a hand to his tangled hair. He groped on the table next to him for his wand, and pauses when his hand hit the glass of water sitting there.
"Morning." Remus says, not looking up from his book.
"What'd I do last night?" Sirius asks. His voice is raspy from the vomit and the drink, and he grabs the cup of water, sniffing it before taking a deep sip.
"Went and got pissed on your own." Remus says. "We found you passed out. You had vomit all over you."
"We?"
"Me and Pete." Remus says. "We ran into Prongs and Lily in the way back, but she's not going to tell."
Sirius slumps back in bed, putting his forearm over his face. "Merlin, I'm a piece of shit."
"Not gonna argue with that." says Remus. "Do you need some headache potion?" He's got a large stash of basic medicine in his cabinet, one of the perks of being a werewolf.
"You shouldn't be so nice to me." Sirius mutters. "I snogged McKinnon. I said all those horrible things to you and Pete and Prongs. Where are they?"
"Quidditch practice." Remus says. "Wormtail went to watch." As Sirius curses and sits up, Remus adds, "Prongs excused you from it today, he felt you needed medical rest."
Sirius buries his face in his hands. "Fuck. Of course he did. I owe you all an apology."
Remus closes his book, sticking his thumb in it as a bookmark. He mulls a few responses over before settling on, "It's been six years, you really think we haven't figured out what an arse you are?"
As he hoped, Sirius chuckles. "Sorry." he says. "I don't even like McKinnon like that. Don't know what I was thinking."
"You should apologize to her too." Remus says.
"Shit." Sirius places his arm back over his eyes. "Moony?"
"Yeah?"
"Do...do Prongs and Wormtail hate me?" Sirius's face is still covered, but his voice is uncharacteristically vulnerable.
"No." Remus says. "And for the record, neither do I."
Sirius puts one hand to his jaw. "You punched me, Moony."
"I did." Remus says. "Sorry."
"No, it was hot." Sirius smirks at him, tilting his head. "Bet McKinnon fancies you now."
Remus snorts, ears warming. "You shouldn't say things like that." he says quietly.
"Why not?" Sirius asks. His tone is teasing.
Remus just shakes his head. "I don't know why you find that stuff funny."
"Because I'm a great big fairy." Sirius rolls over dramatically, clutching his pillow. "Just can't get enough of you, Moony."
"Hmm." Remus opens his book again, hoping that will signal the end of the conversation. "Prongs will be jealous."
They sit like that for a few minutes, only broken by Sirius getting up to grab some of Remus's headache medicine. Remus keeps reading a paragraph over and over again, trying to memorize some esoteric information about the proper methodology for Transfiguring one living thing into another. He doesn't absorb a word.
"Pads?" he says finally.
Sirius jerks; Remus thinks he might have been falling asleep. "Yeah?"
"You still want to get the Slytherins back?"
There's a grin in Sirius's voice. "Of course."
The hardest part, as always, is sneaking into the Slytherin dorms.
They don't like to use Animagi for these things, in case they get caught, and the Slytherins have been wise to the Invisibility Cloak for years. Last time they used it, the Slytherins had up a ward against invisibility. The Marauders had to resort to finding other ways in besides the portrait hole.
Luckily, the Marauders were quite resourceful.
"I hate it when we go this way." Remus whispers. He's on his elbows and knees, and the passageway is as dark as it is damp and dirty.
"Quiet." Sirius, ahead of him, whispers. The passage is ancient, running from the second floor girl's bathroom to the Slytherin boy's dorms. Remus doesn't want to know why it was made- the only reason he can think of is perverts- but he does wish he knew why it was just barely human size. The walls feel alarmingly flimsy, considering they have to be directly under the lake about now.
One of Remus's elbows lands directly on something slimy and cold, and he winces. He's not particularly a neat freak, but this was something much different. "Are we almost there?" he whispers.
"If I say we are, will you be quiet?" Sirius whispers.
They crawl in silence for a few more minutes. Remus contemplates grabbing Sirius's foot to scare him, but eventually decides he'd rather not get kicked in the face. When he begins to make out light ahead of Sirius, he at first believes, as he always does, that it's an illusion. It isn't until he clearly makes out the outline of Sirius's hips and feet that he realizes they're close.
Sirius, after taking a minute to listen, slowly pushes open the door hidden in the false back of one of the wardrobes. They have to be extra careful this year, as the door always leads into the seventh-year boys' dorm, and Remus knows too well what the seventh-year Slytherins are capable of if they catch them.
They slide out of the passageway with all the grace of infants sliding out of the womb. Sirius pushes himself to his feet, shoving aside a few robes and kicking away some socks on the floor, and offers a hand to Remus. Remus stands as well, ducking to avoid hitting his head on the top of the wardrobe. They can't hear anything outside, but still, Remus pulls out the Cloak and drapes it over the two of them, and Sirius whispers "Muffliato."
"So what's the plan?" Sirius says.
Remus blinks. He's already got a crick in his neck from leaning down, and his nose is close to a glob of dirt on the side of Sirius's face. "I thought you had an idea." he whispers.
"What? I thought you had an idea!"
"Why would you think that?"
"Because you suggested-" Sirius breaks off, pushing his hair out of his face. "Shit. This is why we need Prongs."
"Well." Remus twists slightly, peering around the wardrobe. "I'd say we have a golden opportunity to do something to their clothes right now. I don't know about you, but I am not going back up that tunnel without doing something." He fidgets for his wand.
"Wait." Sirius lays a hand on his arm. "What if we..." He's chewing his lip, always a bad sign, and looking back towards the false door."That tunnel goes under the lake, doesn't it?"
"Yeah?"
"And it was mostly downhill to here." Sirius whispers. "What if we collapse the ceiling of the tunnel? Just a little bit? That will ruin their clothes, and it'll look like an accident, so we might not get in trouble. Plus if they have books out there and they stay away from the room for long enough-"
"You want to flood their room." Remus repeats. As Marauder pranks go, it's definitely one of the more dangerous ones. "How are we going to get out without the tunnel? What if it gets out of control?"
"I'm sure it'll get out of control." Sirius whispers. "We can just leave under the Cloak. They probably don't have those wards up anymore, and if they do, we can run. Come on, it'll wreck all of their things, and it'll look like an accident, but they'll know it was-"
He stops talking abruptly as a door squeaks open outside of the wardrobe. Both boys freeze, instinctively huddling closer together. They have the Cloak on, but the wardrobe is crowded enough that their shapes are still obvious from the way the clothes hang around them.
-one of these days." says Mulciber. "I'm telling you, one of these days."
"Just be patient." replies Avery. "We're graduating in a year and then, without Dumbledore watching, we can handle all of them."
Mulciber makes a noise of derision in the back of his throat. Remus hears him walking towards the wardrobe, and tenses up slightly, grabbing onto Sirius's arm with one hand and his wand with the other. If caught, hex the Slytherins and run. That's what their methodology has always been.
"Do you see him walking around the halls with her?" Mulciber asks. "Like it's something to be proud of, shagging a dirty mudblood trollop."
Sirius's arm tenses, and Remus moves his hand up to Sirius's shoulder, giving him a look of warning. Mulciber stops walking, though, and they hear the rustle of parchment shuffling.
"Can you stop complaining about Potter for one day?" Avery asks. "I'm getting tired of it. Just because he beats you in Quidditch every year-"
"That's not what it's about." Mulciber mutters sulkily. "There it is. Told you Snape stole my book. Little creep."
"We need him." Avery says. "He's smart. Slughorn likes him, most of the professors do."
"I'm just sick of it all." Mulciber's voice grows more distant, his footsteps moving away from the wardrobe. "I can't wait to graduate."
Avery laughs, and the door squeaks open again. "You're telling me."
The door thuds shut behind them. Remus closes his eyes, silently counting to thirty.
When he's finished, he says, "Let's do your idea. Fuck them."
Sirius smiles. "That's the spirit."
But Sirius doesn't move, and Remus's hand sits on Sirius's shoulder, his face still tilted down towards Sirius. He removes his hand, coughing slightly and wiping it on his pants.
"How do you want to break through the tunnel?" Remus responds. He isn't sure what alarms him more, the look in Sirius's eyes or the sudden fluttering of his pulse. "Defodio?"
Sirius places a hand on his cheek, and Remus goes still, his brain unable to comprehend anything beside that contact. Sirius's hand is warm, despite the cold tunnel, although it still has plenty of dirt on it. Something in Remus's ears is buzzing, a faint voice from far away whispering to him of danger.
"What are you..." he starts, and then Sirius's lips are on his, and his mind goes blank.
It's not his first kiss. He and McKinnon did share one at a Christmas party, and, although Remus had never told the other Marauders, two more afterwards. Still, the Marlene kisses were light, just grazes of lip against each other. This was anything but. Sirius deepened the kiss almost immediately, letting his mouth slide open, and at some point Remus's shock subsided and he found himself kissing back, grabbing Sirius's arm again. For a moment, he forgets about the smell, the dirt, the fact that they're trapped in a wardrobe in the seventh-year Slytherins' bedroom-
They jump apart when they hear footsteps in the room. Remus hadn't even heard the squeak of the door. Someone, possibly Snape, is muttering under his breath, shifting objects around the room. Remus takes a step back from Sirius, trying to calm his breathing, even though the Muffliato is still holding.
Outside, Snape curses, footsteps creaking away, and the door closes behind him. Remus doesn't even bother waiting thirty seconds this time- he opens the false door and wriggles his way back inside.
"Wait!" Sirius calls. "What spell?"
"I'm gonna try Defodio." Remus says.
Defodio works, but slowly, and eventually they figure out it's faster to dig with their hands once they hit dirt beyond the passage. They're still going too slowly, though, and Remus is constantly listening for more footsteps at the doorway.
"I've got an idea." Sirius says finally.
Remus bites his lip. He doesn't like the look in his eye. "Wait." he says halfheartedly, but Sirius is already wriggling, shoulders first, into the passageway. Remus eyes his legs anxiously, wishing he was a Legilimens. His questions are answered an instant later with a muffled explosion, and Sirius's legs kick wildly.
Remus pulls at his ankles, and they both tumble out of the wardrobe. Sirius sits up, covered from chest up in mud, coughing.
And then Remus registers the rush of water coming from the false door. "Come on." he says, offering Sirius a hand, and they both stand up, pulling the Cloak over themselves. They hear footsteps and raised voices outside the door, and press themselves into a corner. Sirius's dirty hair tickles Remus's nose. He has to stop himself from sneezing.
"-the hell was that?" says Mulciber outside. "Did you hear that?"
Sirius and Remus wait as someone outside responds, more quietly. The water spreads across the floor, drenching several items of clothing and piles of parchment scattered everywhere.
The door flies open, and Mulciber comes in. When he sees the water, he curses loudly. "Avery! Snape!"
Sirius tugs on his arm, but Remus doesn't need to be told twice. As footsteps clatter up the hallway, Remus and Sirius dodge around Mulciber and slip out the door. Snape, Avery, and a few other Slytherins hurry towards them.
"What's going on?" Avery asks, and Remus and Sirius press themselves against the wall, trying to edge past them, but Snape is in their way.
"There's- there's water!" Mulciber gestures wildly at the room. "Our room is flooding!"
Snape's eyes narrow almost immediately. "It must be Potter." he says. "Getting us back for the boggart. I bet he's still around here. You hear that, Potter? I know you're here!" He steps in front of Avery, reaching his arms out, and Sirius and Remus take that opportunity to dodge around him and hurry down the hallway, as quietly as they can.
Downstairs, the Slytherins of the Common Room are mostly looking up, towards the sound of shouting. Sirius darts towards the door, but Remus holds him back- a third year girl is looking in their direction, and Remus thinks the Cloak may have flapped up while they were running.
A moment later, however, the girl is distracted when Mulciber arrives at the top of the stairs. "Potter flooded our room!" he barks. "He's somewhere in here, find him!"
Remus and Sirius give up all caution and run for the portrait hole, as several Slytherins rise, gripping their wands. They have to stay close to keep the Cloak over both of them when they're crawling back through, but they manage to get to the portrait hole.
And then the portrait hole opens, revealing a gaggle of girls Remus recognizes as fifth years, all happily talking. Remus glances behind him- the Slytherins aren't far.
"Fuck it." Sirius says, and he grabs Remus's arm and shoves through the fifth year girls, ignoring their shrieks of surprise. Once out, Sirius rips the invisibility cloak off the two of them. "Run." he says.
Remus nods, and the two run for their lives. Behind them, Mulciber roars, "Potter!"
"Wrong!" shouts Sirius, and, as Mulciber begins pounding after them, he grabs Remus's wrist. "The painting of the sheep, c'mon."
Remus and Sirius perform the sequence of knocks quickly, Remus checking over his shoulder for Mulciber. Just as Mulciber is catching up, the portrait swings open, and Remus and Sirius stumble inside. "Close, close, close, close!" hisses Sirius, pulling at the portrait, and it slams shut behind them.
Remus allows himself to relax slightly. Even if Mulciber saw them running in here, he doesn't know the knock sequence. He catches Sirius's eye, and, despite himself, laughs. Sirius looks like a Victorian era chimney sweep with the amount of dirt and mud all over him, and his wild hair from the water and crawling through the tunnel.
"What?" Sirius whispers.
"You look like a bloody chimney sweep." Remus responds.
Sirius grins. "Really? Is it a nice look?"
"Just incredible." Remus says.
Sirius's grin fades slightly, hand resting on his wrist, and Remus remembers what they had done in the wardrobe earlier. He rubs his lips together.
He's interrupted by Mulciber's bellows outside. He apparently did not see them go through the portrait, and is shouting Sirius's name loudly.
Remus looks back at Sirius, finds Sirius already looking at him, with a hint of expectation in his eyes. Remus drops his gaze to the floor. "Let's go." he whispers, and the two hurry down the passageway.
"Where have you two been?" James asks, when they return to the dorm. Remus had snuck Sirius through the Common Room under the Cloak, so no one would know about his suspiciously dirty state.
"If McGonagall asks, here, all afternoon." Sirius says. "Got it?"
James chuckles and mock-salutes. "Got it. Marauder code."
"I need a bloody shower." Sirius adds, heading into the bathroom.
Remus flops down onto his bed. "How was practice?" he asks.
He's aware James and Peter are watching him, curious. "Fine." James says. "How was your morning?"
Despite himself, Remus smiles. "Fine. The Slytherins didn't have a very good morning, though."
"What'd you guys do?" Peter gushes, leaning forward.
Remus glances towards the closed bathroom door. Conversation had been stilted on the way back to the Common Room. "Uh..."
"Come on, tell us!" Peter says. "We're gonna find out anyways!"
Remus shakes his head. "Right, yeah. So remember that passage in the girl's bathroom?"
"You're making it weird. It's not weird."
Remus doesn't look up as Sirius plops into the seat across from him in their study period after lunch. "Hello, Sirius." He continues researching the finer points of goblin politics in the 1450s, hoping Sirius will take the hint.
"It's not." Sirius insists instead, leaning forward. "It doesn't mean anything, really. Same as a handshake. You're making it weirder than it has to be."
At that, Remus looks up. He closes his eyes for a second, trying to follow Sirius's logic. "Same as a handshake?"
Sirius's arms are crossed on the table. He nods, stubbornly. "Only difference is the part of the body."
Remus snorts. "Tell me, you ever shaken Wormtail's hand? You ever snogged him?" He shook his head, returning to his book. "It's not the same."
"I'm just saying, it doesn't have to be different." Sirius says. "You're making it different because other people say it's different. It doesn't have to be."
Remus arches an eyebrow, returning to his history book, only to have it tugged away from him by Sirius. "Hey." he said "Remus. Talk to me. C'mon."
Maybe it's the note of desperation in his voice, but Remus finally sets down his quill. "Fine, Sirius. If it didn't mean anything, it didn't mean anything. It really doesn't matter to me."
Sirius recoils. "What's that mean?"
"What you said!" Remus hisses, exasperated. "You're right, it's not different. It doesn't matter, alright? Can we just forget about it?" He forcibly tugs his book back and tries to return to his work, but Sirius hasn't left. After a long minute, Remus looks up. "Sirius Black, for once in your life, will you just say what you're bloody thinking?"
Sirius's eyes are narrowed. "You're panicking." he says.
"What do you expect me to do?" Remus whispers. He's aware they're not alone in the Common Room, even if everyone else is too absorbed in their own activities to pay much attention. "Why did you do it?"
Sirius shrugs one shoulder. "I dunno. Impulse."
Remus makes a noise of frustration in his throat and begins packing up his things. "I really need to work on this." he says, heading for the portrait hole.
He gets only a little ways down the hall outside of the portrait when footsteps hurry after him. Remus quickens his pace, but Sirius catches up to him. "You shouldn't be panicking." he says. "It didn't mean anything. It was just a joke."
Remus turns around. "Can we not talk about this here?"
Sirius takes a step back, folding his arms. "Fine." he says, as if he's won something. "Where do you want to talk?"
Remus sighs. "I've got a lot of work to do. Can't we just forget it happened?"
Sirius's lip curls, and he looks down at his shoes. "Fine."
Once Remus has gotten himself settled in the library though, in a far-off corner where he's not likely to be disturbed, he only has a few minutes of peace before Sirius sits down across from him again.
"Thought Pince banned you from the library." Remus says, not looking up.
Sirius leans forward. "You're panicking. I know you are. I can tell."
"I'm not." Remus says quietly. "I was confused by what you did, but it didn't mean anything. We're agreed. Drop it."
Sirius doesn't leave. "I just wanted to make sure that we were, you know, still friends. It was a stupid joke-"
"Have you considered that you might be the one panicking?" Remus snaps. Sirius goes silent, and Remus looks up. "I've let it go. I've told you it doesn't mean anything. You're the one following me around and hassling me about it. You're the one who- who started it. You're the only one making things weird here."
Sirius is motionless, his usual cocky facade vanished. "I didn't start shit." he says. "It was a joke."
Remus chuckles. "Some joke. Hilarious, really. Your best one all year."
"What, you don't believe me?"
"I- I don't care!" Remus hisses. "That's what I've been trying to say! I don't care why you did it, or what you did, I just want us both to forget about the whole thing! If you don't want it to affect our friendship, then just leave me alone!" He attempts to return to his homework.
Sirius's gaze has turned mean. "You care." he says. "You just wish you didn't."
"Sure, Sirius." Remus keeps his voice monotone, knowing that will irritate Sirius. "If that's what you want."
"You care." Sirius sits beside Remus, voice lowered. "You care, because you enjoyed it."
Something cold trickles outward from Remus's chest, and he's tensed up before he realizes what he's doing.
Sirius seems to realize he's landed a hit, because he leans closer. "You enjoyed it, and that worries you. You want it to happen again."
Remus's mouth has gone dry. A few fragments of witty responses float through his mind, but they don't find his vocal chords. "That's- you're-"
"Mhm?"
Remus licks his lips, finding his voice. "You're barmy. And disgusting. And asking to get kicked out of the library again."
"I can think of better ways to get kicked out than fighting." Sirius says, putting a hand on Remus's thigh.
Remus looks down at the hand, then up at Sirius. He's sitting intimately close. "What the hell do you want from me?" Remus says quietly.
Sirius pauses, as if the question wasn't one he'd considered before, and Remus uses the pause to remove his hand from his thigh. "Because you keep saying it's a joke, and getting mad at me for agreeing, and doing this shit." Remus says. "I want to forget about it, same as you, but you keep following me around and bringing it up. So I really would appreciate you making up your mind-"
"I don't want to forget about it." Sirius says. "I want to do it again."
His voice is low, barely above a whisper, but Remus flinches as if he'd shouted. Sirius's gaze has sharpened, and Remus wonders how he ever could've thought drunk Sirius's eyes were judging him.
"C'mon." Sirius says softly. "I enjoyed it, you enjoyed, I know you did. We're friends, so it doesn't have to mean anything. We're both unattached. We don't even have to tell anyone about it. It'd just be some fun."
Something distant in Remus's mind screams at him. His ability to concentrate is gone, every part of him focused on Sirius's voice, on Sirius's hand, back on his thigh, burning like a hot coal. The words on his textbook are swimming before him. They might as well be in Romanian for all he can understand.
This is a bad idea. This is a terrible idea. Sirius is in a difficult place, and the Marauders dynamic is uncertain with James's absences, and they're two men for Merlin's sake, there are words for men who do those things. Remus hears enough words from being a werewolf.
But he wants it. He tries to shut those thoughts down as soon as they arrive, but they're accompanied with a terrible ache in his gut, something burning warm around his thighs. He thinks Sirius can feel the shift in his trousers, because Sirius's lips curl into a smile.
"It's not a good idea." Remus says, when he finds his voice.
"So?"
"So, it's not." Remus says. "I don't want to."
"You don't want to, or it's not a good idea?" Sirius says.
"It's the same thing." Remus says. He doesn't know why he's arguing this. He should just be walking out, and staying away from Sirius for the rest of his life.
Sirius shakes his head. "It's not. You're a werewolf, and I'm a disgraced Black. What the hell could we ever do that is a good idea?"
Remus licks his lips. Sirius makes a twisted amount of sense. "I don't want..." he begins, even though he knows he's lying.
"Stop saying that." Sirius leans even closer, and Remus can make out every fleck of silver in his eyes. "You do. You just wish you didn't."
Remus's mind responds slowly, still almost entirely focused on Sirius's hand, and his face, and the warmth of the library. Sirius gives him time, not saying anything, just waiting. "You don't know me as well as you think you do." he says at last.
"I know enough." Sirius says.
Remus snorts. "Really."
Sirius arches an eyebrow, and lowers his voice. "You pretend you're the sensible one, of the four of us. You pretend you're above our dumb jokes. You're not above shit, you're just scared."
"Am not." Remus says, but his jaw clenches.
"Yeah, you are." says Sirius. "How many people have accepted you? You're scared that if you let yourself fully be a part of the group, fully trust us, then we'll get sick of you and you'll lose us."
There's a ringing in Remus's ears. His pulse thuds steadily on, pounding against his temple.
"And you're scared that if you do anything wrong, stop following the rules, worse things will happen." Sirius says. "Because that's what your life has been, hasn't it? You go outside on the wrong night one time, and you're cursed for the rest of your life."
Remus's fingers clench, unbidden. "Stop."
"And you're scared of letting yourself enjoy things." Sirius says. "Of enjoying your body. Because you can't trust your body. You hate it. Why wouldn't you? It betrays you every month."
"Stop talking." Remus breathes. The room has grown twenty degrees warmer, the bookshelves much closer to him and Sirius than he realized.
"And you're scared of me." Sirius says, leaning even closer. "Because I don't care about doing the right thing, and I shag people even though I hate myself as much as you do, and I want you even though you think you don't deserve to be wanted. I terrify you, and that makes you want to fuck me more. That's why, isn't it?"
"Shut up." Remus snaps.
"You want me so bad, but you can't trust what you want, because every full moon-"
"Shut up! Shut up, shut up-" Remus realizes too late he's almost shouting, and lets out a breath.
Sirius leans back slightly, still watching Remus with that same look in his eyes. "You're not sensible, you're not detached, you're just scared." he says after a moment. "You'd rather go all of Hogwarts without a girlfriend then just let yourself enjoy something, just once-"
Remus moves, finally, slapping his hand over Sirius's mouth. "No." He's breathing heavily. "You're wrong. Shut. Up."
Sirius doesn't even need to say it this time. The "make me" is written in his eyes, in the arch of his eyebrow, in the way he hasn't even bothered struggling against his hand.
Remus removes his hand from Sirius's mouth. There's a moment, where they're both frozen, Remus's eyes locked onto Sirius's challenging gaze. Sirius's hand is still heavy on his thigh, sending waves of heat throughout Remus.
And Remus leans forward, kissing Sirius with a savagery he liked to think he wasn't capable of. Sirius's hands are on him at once, one curling through his hair, one around his waist, and the noise Sirius makes when their lips finally touch is inhuman. The kiss feels amazing, all the moreso for how Remus has been denying himself this, how there are so many reasons against doing exactly this, in the library where anyone could walk in-
Remus shoves Sirius away. They're both breathing heavily, and Sirius's hair is a mess. If anyone were to find them, now, there would be no doubt what they were doing.
Sirius grins, slowly, and Remus knows.
He doesn't want to think anymore. He just wants Sirius. Remus growls, tugging Sirius back towards him by his jaw and some of his long, dark hair, and there's no more thinking.