On Destiny Island, Sora and Riku are meeting at the paopu tree overlooking the briny blue. "Gee! It sure is boring around here," Sora proclaims, stretching his arms over his head and rolling his eyes in boredom.
Riku responds: "Sora, this peace is what all true warriors strive for. Of course it's boring."
"I just wonder what The King is up to."
"Eh, probably just the usual politician stuff, like wanton seizing of property, mass arrests, invading other worlds. The usual."
"Oh, okay."
Hoping to find another conversation topic, Sora speaks up. "Hey, Riku."
"What?"
"Do you like girls?"
Riku is naturally shaken up by Sora questioning his sexuality like that and becomes defensive. "Well of course I like girls! Girls are my life! Girls are my dreams! Can't live without 'em! I eat girls for breakfast! A girl a day keeps the yaoi away!"
Sora's just about weirded out enough to end the conversation right there. "Okay..." he murmurs. However, Sora can't stand quietness and decides to start a serious conversation for once. Hoping to get Riku's attention, Sora blurts out "Hey, Stinkoman."
Riku is understandably confused by this odd moniker Sora has just given him. "Um... did you just call me Stinkoman?"
"What do you think it was? The door to the light?"
Knowing what he's talking about (which doesn't happen often), Riku points to Sora's chest area. "Here."
Sora, however, doesn't quite get it. "In my arteries?", he asks.
Riku laughs with amusement. "No, you fecal pervert. I'm pointing at-"
Riku is suddenly interrupted by the sight of Kairi running up to the two of them with a message in a bottle at hand. It appears urgent as Kairi attempts desperately to get the two friends' attention. "Sora! Riku! Hey! Hey! Listen! Listen! Come over here! Look what I found! Hey! Listen! Hey! Listen! Sora! Riku! Come over here! Look at what I found! Look at-"
Sora and Riku, at this point annoyed, exasparatedly shout "WHAT IS IT?!"
"Look." Kairi shows Sora the message, which has The King's seal on it.
Sora is excited at the prospect of hearing from The King again after their last escapade. "The King! Gimme that!" Sora swipes the bottle from Kairi and dumps the message out. The group reads the letter:
"Dear Keyblade-wielding spiky brown-haired teenager (by which I mean Sora), to celebrate how cool and funny I am, I, The King Mickey, am cordially inviting you to my The Disney Castle for a feast of wine and crumpets. I'll pick you up when I feel like it, 'cuz, y'know, I'm The King. Yours truly, The King Mickey.
P.S. Don't use my bathroom. I've just learned that Goofy is a terrible plunger, and I ended up killing the toilet last night. May Chauncey rest in peace. :("
"A dinner party, huh?" Riku responds "Even though I'm a little concerned by the fact that The King went through the trouble of naming his toilet, I don't see any reason for Sora not to go."
Kairi speaks out. "But doesn't it bother you that The King Mickey is quite basically corrupt beyond all reasoning?"
"Eh, not really," Riku responds indifferently.
Sora is overall enthusiastic. "Great! I'll grab my stu-"
Before Sora can finish the last word in his sentence, he is beamed up by a mysterious light.
Sora suddenly finds himself in The Disney Castle's Dining Room, where Donald Duck, Goofy, Scrooge McDuck, and Buzz Lightyear are seated at an unnecessarily long table. There is a plate of crumpets and a goblet of wine in front of all of them. Sora is nevertheless confused by his own sudden appearance. "Wait, what the heck just happened?!"
Goofy, being such a good friend of Sora's, gleefully ignores his question in favor of greeting him. "Hey there, Sora! G'morning!"
Donald Duck, always the one to be annoyed at Goofy's dimness, attempts to correct Goofy. "It's 6:30 PM, Goofy."
Scrooge is shocked. "Donald! You should be ashamed of yourself! It's 5:30 PM, not 6:30! I didn't raise you to get the time wrong! I swear, kids these days with your video games and your fan-fictions and your hippity-hop music and your Lamb of God t-shirts and your pierced eyelashes and your incest yuri and your... uh... what time is it?"
Sora decides to take matters in his own hands, since everyone else is being, well, themselves. "Alright, alright! I'll find things out myself." Sora turns to Buzz Lightyear, who, as his high-tech appearance would suggest, is the smartest in the bunch. "You! You look like you're a reasonably smart person, so tell me. Who are you, and how the hell did I get here so fast?"
Buzz politely introduces himself: "I'm glad you asked, my hip young parson. My name is Buzz Lightyear, and I come the Fourth Sector of the Gamma Quadrant, where I work as an elite Universe Protection Unit. I protect the Galaxy from the Evil Emperor Zurg, sworn enemy of the Galactic Alliance!"
Sora, however, is unimpressed, aware that Buzz is simply an action figure (or doll, to those who live in the real world). "Good enough. Now try telling me something I can believe, such as how I got here?"
"Well, if you insist. I was sneaking through The King Mickey's highly confidential information stuff, which was conveniently located next to the coleslaw in The King's fridge, and I found some blueprints for an Instantaneous Beam-Me-Up device. According to this Post-it note that I found pasted onto the front of the said fridge, Mickey extorted half of Scrooge's retirement savings just to build it."
Donald tries to silence Buzz for some reason. "Shh! Be quiet about my uncle's money! Every time someone brings up his money, he-"
Too late. "It's mine, you Nazi bastards!! All mine!! You can't have it!"
"We're aware of that, Uncle."
Sora, remembering Scrooge from the last game, decides to start a conversation with him. As he's about to learn, that's not the smartest choice in the world. "So, Scrooge. Have you made your sea-salt ice cream yet?"
"I don't reveal that kind of information to teenage anime preppies like you!"
"Excuse me?"
Donald's got some explaining to do. "He stuck a Popsicle stick up his nose to see if he could poke his own brain."
"Did it work?"
"Well, yeah, but now he can't get it out, and now he thinks two plus two equals fish. It's really annoying."
In the background, Scrooge declares that he is in fact the king of sponge. At this point, Sora's becoming impatient. "Okay... so when is The King getting here? I missed a big anime convention for this, and I don't like passing up the chance to feel up hot Anko Mitarashi cosplayers."
The fancy door behind Sora opens up, with The King Mickey emerging from it. Sora does not notice The King's arrival and continues to rant while he's waiting. "I tell ya, if he doesn't get here soon, I'm gonna have to shove caffeinated coral snakes down his pants. And then I'm gonna-"
"Ahem."
Sora turns around to find a slightly piffed The King tapping his foot threateningly. Sora blushes, surprised that The King arrived so stealthily and nervous about him catching a part of his off-putting ramblings. "Oh, uh, The King! Look, I was just kidding about that, uh..."
The King Mickey sternly speaks. "Listen. I'm willing to not sue you for that caffeinated pants comment if you just silence yourself, sit down, and eat your delicious feast which I, The King Mickey, prepared for you."
Sora, sensing the wrath of The King Mickey, dashes to his chair and starts chowing down/chugging his meal without saying a word, with the others staring on. After Sora finishes his feast in a flash, an uneasy silence fills the room for about five seconds, after which the other four guests start eating their fill. As they eat, The King Mickey talks. "Now that you've all eaten at least some of the food, I have something to 'chair' with you."
The King chuckles to himself, while the guests groan in disgust at The King Mickey's awful pun. Goofy is the only one who laughs with The King. "Gee, The King! You sure are funny!"
"Yes, I know I am. Now anyways, 'feast' your ears on this piece of information!"
The King chuckles once more, while the others groan a second time. Goofy laughs even harder than before. "Oh man, The King! You're a regular Dane Cook! You should be a stand-up comedian!"
"Why thank you, my royal dog shield. I'm just glad the bad sense of humor the others apparently have hasn't 'poisoned' your opinions of me.
Goofy is now in hysterics over this terrible excuse of a joke. The faces of the other guests turn pale with fear, as they have already 'got it'. "Seriously! That was hilarious! I gotta- wait. I don't get that o-"
Goofy suddenly gets it, and the whole room goes eerily quiet. The only sound that can be heard is the pitter-patter of the little feet of The Disney Castle's cockroaches. After what seems like a minute, all of the guests scream at the top of their lungs.
Sora stomps towards The King Mickey, incensed beyond belief. "What the hell did you do to us?!"
An enraged Donald is next to confront The King. "Yeah, seriously!! What the flock!"
"Hey, that was a good one," acknowledges Scrooge.
Donald, however, is not in the mood for compliments. "Nobody asked you!"
Buzz speaks out. "I though you were supposed to be a benevolent The King! Now it's like down is up and left is right!"
"I am a benevolent The King! But that doesn't mean I can't also be a bad-ass The King!"
Goofy is not so easily convinced. "Yeah but, why would you do that, The King? I thought you liked us! This is totally... not funny!"
The King Mickey goes dead silent, shocked at Goofy's criticism. No one has ever called The King Mickey 'not funny' before, except for one guy who had the nerve to say it to his face during his honeymoon, but that guy never lived to tell the tale. The fact that this is coming from his most trusted meat shield is also distressing. Not having the heart for being insulted further, The King Mickey decides to reveal the reasoning behind his actions. "If you really must know, I'll tell you. But I gotta warn ya. There's a pretty boring flashback coming up, so I suggest you get yourself some snacks. Too late. It all started after our last adventure, with me, The King, returning home to my The Castle."
Flashback to sometime after the events of Kingdom Hearts II (available in stores now). The King Mickey is sitting peacefully on his bed, watching a program featuring an Inuit teenager under the influence of mescaline. The Inuit feverishly rambles.
"Drink cactus juice! It'll quench ya! Nothing's quenchier! It's the quenchiest!!"
The King Mickey finds this program humorous (who wouldn't?). "Heh heh heh... Watching other people spiral into drug addiction is just hilarious. Truly hilarious."
Just then, the image on the TV screen is suddenly replaced with the image of Yen Sid's head in front of static. The King Mickey is annoyed by this intrusion by his old master of all people. "Hey! Do you mind?! I was watching Inuit teenagers getting drunk! Change it back!"
Yen Sid nods his head in disappointment "Foolish Mickey. Laughing at the misfortunes of others? Perhaps you are not as cool as I thought you were."
The King Mickey is not going to take being called uncool laying down. "That's The King Mickey to you, 'Master' Yen Sid! And I'm lots cool!"
"Are you really that cool, my self-absorbed apprentice? Are you?"
"Yes I am! In fact, I'm so cool that I've got two solid-gold statues of me where the Wonderland and Deep Jungle worlds used to be!"
Unfortunately, this only serves to convince Yen Sid that The King Mickey has relinquished his coolness for frivolous things. "Stupid, narcissistic heathen. Solid-gold statues are so Roman Empire times ago. If you really are as cool as you claim you are, then prove to me that you are my favorite student. Until then, you will not be able to watch TV. Ever!"
Yen Sid's head disappears from the TV screen, leaving nothing but static. The King Mickey, presented with the prospect of never being able to take enjoyment in the intoxication of hormonally-stressed children again, buries his face in a pillow and cries himself to sleep.
Flash back to the present, where The King Mickey is finishing up explaining what happened.
"So the next morning I came up with this really cool plan to invite you all over for poison and kill all of you. If Yen Sid knows that I actually managed to kill the Keybearer and his friends, he'll love me the best. Isn't that great?"
Sora is not amused. "Yeah. About as great as rearranging your teeth in alphabetical order if you don't tell us where the antidote is!"
"Sorry, Sora. No can do. If I gave you the antidote and let you live, Yen Sid wouldn't think I'm cool, which I am. Wish I could help."
"Cool?! Cool?! What's so cool about killing your closest friends just because you can?! That's not cool! That's... lame!!"
The King Mickey's self-esteem is shattered with this last word. He had trouble dealing with someone calling him not funny, but he just isn't able to withstand being called lame. The King falls to his knees and begins to sob. Sora, believing that The King Mickey's tears aren't genuine, proceeds to mock him. "Aw, boo hoo! Baby gonna cry?! Let me play you a sad song on the world's smallest violin!"
Before Sora can do just this, The King Mickey raises his hand, emotionally wracked. He just doesn't feel like keeping secrets anymore. "I hid the antidote in one of the Keyholes of the universe. You'll have to search world after world and unlock their Keyholes to find it."
Buzz Lightyear morally objects to this procedure. "But The King, if a world's Keyhole is unlocked, then the Heartless will be free to ravage it, potentially slaughtering millions of innocent lives!"
"And that's exactly why I hid it in a Keyhole. With such a high body count, Yen Sid will have to think I'm cool. Did you think I would just hand it to you on a silver platter?"
The guests all form scowls on their faces, disgusted with The King Mickey's apathy. After a few seconds, all of the guests except Donald begin to leave, heading for the Gummi Ship.
"Come along, Donald," Sora calls out.
Donald, however, still has one last thing to do. "Hold on."
Donald waddles towards the devastated The King Mickey, who then looks up to his faithful wizard. "D-Donald?"
After about five seconds, Donald demonstrates his disgust with The King by spitting on him, flipping him the bird (pun not intended) and belting out a well-deserved "Flock you!!" Donald runs out of the room to join the others.
The King Mickey stands up. He has regained his composure, but is now utterly furious that someone has had the nerve to defile his person with a wad of saliva. The King Mickey calls out to Donald, who has already left The Castle. "That's it. You asked for it! I'm The King, gosh darn it! You can call me lame, but when I get spat on, that's when I get mad! That's it! You've just crossed the line, mister! I'm only giving you 31 birthday presents this year instead of 32! You hear me?! Nobody messes with The King Mickey! No-one, I say!! No-ooooone!!"
The King Mickey's beloved The Queen Minnie overhears her husband's racket from another room. "Be quiet," she commands from another room.
"Yes, dear," The King Mickey responds submissively.