Author's Note: Hey!! It's been a long time since I've posted something. Too many things have been going on to say. :-P
Lets see... this is my first attempt at a humor fic so I was a bit afraid to post this. I wrote it a few months back but I was not happy with what I was coming up with. Finally, I asked the wonderful and talented Earisu to help me out and give me some ideas to bring some color to what was a rather 'flat' one-shot. And boy did she do wonders!! So a great THANKS A MILLION! goes out to her or else this might have been a disaster! :DD Well happy reading and please take a sec to review! :)
Landis Icelilly
Discl: I own nothing. Absolutely NOTHING!! Just the inkling from which this fic came from. :D
Let Sleeping Cactoids... Sleep
"I'm starving!"
"Ugh!" Ashe groaned, "For the fifth time already!"
"But I want some cactus fruit," Vaan complained stubbornly.
"Then go get some! You have two legs and arms, get it yourself!" the queen snapped, quite exasperated, clenching her fists to damper her sudden need to cast Silence over the young man.
It had been a steamy day in the Dalmascan Estersands and most of the group had gotten too much sun, making everyone's mood a bit... cranky and as scorching as the weather. Ashe, especially, had seen the worst of the afternoon's rays, her cheeks, nose and shoulders gleaming a bright shade of crimson underneath the droplets of sticky sweat coating her skin.
She felt guilty for barking at Vaan but his insistent pestering was getting on her last intact nerve. She unceremoniously flopped onto a patch of cool sandy grass that had been shaded perfectly from the day's heat by an over-sized, bent palm tree. Its leaves were large enough to almost completely cover Fran from head to toe; therefore it offered her the coolness she so much craved.
A long exhale left her lips, her head slowly leaning against the rough canyon wall that protected the small Outpost, before finally calming herself down enough to realize that the young boy was no where to be found so that she may apologize for her haughtiness.
"Where did he go?" she asked confused as she scanned the camp.
"Out in the Estersand," Basch replied, somewhat exhaustedly; he too, exhibited signs of sun poisoning and overtiredness.
"What for?"
"Cactus fruit," he plainly answered, taking up a spot next to the Dalmascan Princess under the cooling comfort of the vegetation. Ashe wordlessly handed him the canteen of water which he gladly gulped from.
"Let us trust he will not get into more trouble than he can manage," she said.
"One can only hope," Balthier replied from his own shady spot.
"Stupid cactoids."
Vaan mumbled for the eighth time under his breath, kicking a chunk of rock that happened to cross his path, as he trudged deeper into the Estersand and further away from his traveling companions at the Outpost. His stomach grumbled again its need for substance, compelling him to dismiss his ramblings about whatever intelligence the cactoids possessed, and focus all his energy to search further for them instead. He had been hunting for nearly an hour now and still had yet to achieve a successful kill: every attack and swing resulted in the cactoid dodging, countering, sneering and then escaping into the sandy dunes beyond, without so much as a scratch on their fleshy hides, leaving the teen thoroughly frustrated. Too bad he couldn't just trick one into giving up its precious bounty, a soft, slightly prickly and tangy, piece of cactus fruit.
But no!
It could never be that easy. What in Ivalice was he thinking? And since when did he start liking things to be so tediously simple?
He shook his head again to focus, dismissing the heat that had surely seeped into his brain.
And suddenly, it was there.
Vaan spotted a tiny tuff of green peeking out of the golden grains of sand a few feet away and excitedly jumped into a battle stance, gripping his platinum dagger in his right hand. He wouldn't let it get away this time!
Stealth with his steps, left crossing over right, he soundlessly crept to his target. Sadly for the poor unsuspecting cactoid, it was peacefully asleep, quiet grumblings emitting from underneath the baked ground as it snored.
...or was that Vaan's empty stomach?
He couldn't tell and didn't care at this point, he was soo hungry and his food was right in front of him, sleeping undisturbed and just waiting to be had.
The sweet refreshing juice that gushes into his mouth in the first chomp, his eager teeth sinking into the velvety, and prickly flesh, filled his thoughts. The way it tasted, the way it smelled, even the way it tingled his tongue, caused him to drool. Gosh, he couldn't even recall the last time his lips touched a piece of such succulent fruit.
... well, actually he could. It was the day before last, but he didn't have the patience to remember that far back.
Too much energy for him.
Tip-toeing closer, his hungry stomach practically doing summersaults inside his gut – he actually feared that this would wake his mark - he managed to come within inches of the oblivious prey.
Just... a... few... more... steps... and...
WHAM!!
"Ugh... what the?"
Vaan slowly raised his head, white sand caked his face with little chunks crumbling out enough to create eyeholes for him to look dumbfounded at his goal: the tiny green cactoid that had been innocently sleeping, had been rudely awoken and was now staring him blatantly in the face.
It did not look happy.
Upon his drooling obsession imagining exactly how the fruit would taste, he had lost perspective on his general surroundings, so as he stepped, his boot became lodged underneath an unearthed tree root and down he went, eating a mouthful of sand as he landed.
The plant's beady little eyes burned red as Vaan stared at it in shock, its displeasure clearly shown by its barred pointed teeth.
And this time, the teen knew the low grumble that was boiling surely was coming from the cactus' throat, and not from his own stomach.
"Umm… nice cactoid?" he ventured, fanning a nervous smile as he tried to slowly stand up, avoiding angering the cactus any further as he quickly glanced behind to search for his dagger.
But… it didn't work.
'Oh crap!'
Once a cactoid is set off, it is almost the scariest plant that you will ever meet and Vaan had done exactly that, royally pissed it off. Quickly, the young man turned to make a run for it, but didn't move fast enough as he felt sharp and long needles poking into his rear end and then a sudden excruciating pinch followed when the cactoid's pointy little teeth sunk in.
"OW!" he screamed, almost stumbling to the ground again as he ran to get away.
Vaan tried to take a quick peek at his pricked backside: it stung so badly, almost as bad as getting bit by a thousand Wildsnakes in the Ozmone Plains, but to his surprise, the angered cactoid was nipping at his heels so he hadn't the chance to check it over. He had never known one to go so fast, its round stumpy figure furiously waddling with all its might after the boy, seeming eager to teach this brainless Hume a lesson or two about disturbing a sleeping cactoid. It screamed and hollered its exasperation, prickly arms sailing wildly in the air depicting its frustrations as it jumped after Vaan.
He ran for a while, it had felt like, the small cactus never missing a beat or losing speed, as Vaan began to slowly tucker out. His feet and legs were already tired before this whole escapade began, but now they were just toast; his muscles ached and his bones whined for a break in the chase, as his footings became fumbled and unsteady.
"I'm sorry!!" he called over his shoulder, "I didn't mean to wake you!"
Of course, out of despair, he was trying to convince something that didn't even understand what he was saying in the first place, to leave him alone. Quite obviously that wasn't going to work. He had to think of something and fast, his body could only handle this mediocre pace for so long before it would collapse under the desert heat.
Quickly, Vaan made a beeline for the palm tree that lay ahead of him which sheltered a large boulder behind it. He seriously hoped that the cactoid's turning radius wasn't very sharp so when he ran past the tree he could grab onto the trunk and sling-shot himself around, leaving the cactoid smacked into the boulder in a daze so that Vaan could get away with what was left of his pride still intact.
With a sudden burst in speed, Vaan took off, momentarily glancing behind him to see the cactoid appearing to slow down or that his sudden rush was leaving him behind. It was a little bit of both as the green porcupine came to an abrupt halt; it seems it was no dummy, instead, he was too intelligent for his little herb self. But Vaan hadn't noticed and continued his course, grasping the tree trunk and propelled his body around a complete one-eighty in the direction he had come from earlier toward the Outpost.
But, the cactoid stood in his way, teeth present and cactus spines erect, which forced Vaan to a skidding stop.
"What do you want from me?!" he berated wildly as he huffed out of breath, knowing he would get no answer.
A noise warbled from its mouth, a war cry possibly, as it launched another attack at the helpless teenager, but thankfully Vaan was barely able to avoid the mashing as he ran off again in the direction of camp in hopes that the Outpost guard, or the group, would help force the crazed plant to retreat.
Suddenly a loud thunderous booming gravitated to his ears: it sounded like it was coming from just over the sand dunes to the west, almost as if it were a thousand footsteps at once. He would have pondered it longer but couldn't when the rush of panic took him, his heart thumping into his throat, his skin growing pale and his stomach no longer knotted itself from hunger pains, but in fear.
For literally a hundred raving and ranting cactoids and cactites flooded the Estersand.
"Holy Cockatrice!!" Vaan screamed over the boisterous herd.
He feared for his very being at that second, he was going to die a very horrid and prickly death that day if he didn't get the hell out of there.
Choosing to take his own advice, he bolted for the camp's entrance, too afraid to look over his shoulder at the mass behind, putting every ounce of his remaining energy into overdrive.
He ran, ran and ran some more, whatever it took to get his daredevil ass back to safety. Yet in his frenzy, he hadn't realized that he was running straight through a family feast for a large pack, thirty or more, of wolves to dine on. Vaan's metal boot crushed through the dead cockatrice carcass when he ran past causing him to stumble when the rotting bird's ribcage became hooked to his plated armors. Hastily, he tried to shake the bloodied weight from his foot; comically hopping on his left foot as he frantically kicked his right in the air as he continued to flee, but only managed to get his boot through the other side and the hunk of meat on his leg. This, in turn, angered the pack of hungry wolves that had plans to eat that very tasty chunk of poultry now attached to Vaan's limb, so they too gave chase ignoring the sea of spiny green following as well.
Definitely, this was not one of Vaan's better days.
The wolves barked and howled at Vaan, they lunged and snapped trying to get the meat that clung to him as he sped away. He couldn't believe his poor luck, all he wanted was a little piece of cactus fruit! And he got this… a run for his gil… erm, life.
He wondered if things could possibly get worse.
He soon found out…
"What now?!"
"RRRRRRRGGGGGGAAAAHHHH!!"
He shouldn't have asked.
It ripped through the air in an instant, the ground shook violently and the sand particles vibrated and jumped as the thing roared, his laden footsteps rumbling rock and debris from the canyon cliffs as it rained downward.
There was no question to what beast that was.
'Oh bloody hell!!'
If the blond could have gone any whiter he would have as the Wild Saurian caught not only the scent of the dead cockatrice but that of the wolf pack, the cactoid and cactite herd and him. The enormous lizard instantaneously popped out from behind a discarded piece of clay fallen from the canyon, to directly block Vaan's path.
"BY THE GODS!! HELP ME!!" he whaled as he daftly took a detour just to the left of the beast's huge clawed feet.
The Saurian thrashed at his head when he passed and missed by mere inches, leaving it empty handed and growling malevolently at its failure. Soon the sands began to shake beneath his feet again: the Saurian was giving chase, drool splashing everywhere as it ran.
To Vaan's luck, he had finally reached the outskirts of the camp and he need only run a few hundred more yards to get to safety. The sight of crates, barrels, huts and campfires never looked so good!
Of course, later he would probably have to deal with either a crowd of angry merchants for this mess, or with the obnoxious mirth of his allies for the show. But right now, he couldn't care for anything else but to get rid of this chaos.
And fast.
BAM
BAM
BAM
BAM
"What in Ivalice is that racket?!" Ashe and Balthier questioned in unison.
Ashe's eyes flew open, slightly annoyed that her much needed beauty rest had been interrupted by someone or something. A faint yet frantic yelling was barely audible over the thunderous clamor, and she could feel the ground she sat on shimmy in a rhythmic pulse.
"What's going on?" Penelo inquired, slightly frightened, hugging her treasured Cloud staff to her chest.
"I'm not quite sure," Basch replied as he quickly leapt to his feet and placed his hand on the hilt of his Excalibur, ready to protect the others if need be.
"That's some fine bloody quarrel going on out in the sands. I'm quite confident that the root of this entire catastrophe is coming straight for camp," Balthier gibed as he haughtily crossed his arms against his leathered chest and stood in a nonchalant stance, watching the trouble maker come towards the Outpost.
"Vaan!!"
Everyone but the two sky pirates spat out in bewilderment as they watched the spectacle before them: the young blond was descending the cliff that led to the post, hobbling with some sort of thing attached to his limb, followed by an angry mob of cactoids and wolves plus a T-ed off Saurian bringing up the rear.
"Wha…?"
Ashe gasped like she had never gasped before, her mouth held agape. Basch remained indifferent, that stoic expression still intact though his eyes gave away his mirth. Fran, with her hands on her hips, let the right corner of her lips pull into a smirk as she shook her head from side to side. Balthier, still annoyed for the disturbance, chuckled cruelly as the noisy child got what he deserved. And Penelo just dropped to the ground in a fit of laughter, her fright diminished at the comical sight before her.
Some moments later a disheveled, and breathless, Vaan staggered toward the five group members who tried, unsuccessfully, to hide their enjoyment in his current state.
"I hate cactoids!!" Vaan muttered agitatedly, not having the energy to say it any louder. "Who cares about the damn succulent fruits, I never liked them much anyways," he lied.
Penelo was the first to lose it. Sputtering giggles erupted into a full fledge whooping and hollering as he held her sides doubling over with cramps because she was laughing so hard at his appearance. Next was Ashe as she caught sight of the gnawed up carcass decorating his right leg, small chunks of meat still mended by the tendons sporadically hanging off the dead body.
"Um, you could have cast Decoy on yourself instead of the leg bait. Cactoids don't like meat ya know," Penelo coughed out between gasps.
"Of course, that much I agree. Decoy clearly is the more effective method… less obnoxious too," Balthier quipped trying badly to remain serious, his firm expression flickering.
Vaan was growing angry; he didn't take to criticizing well unless it came from Penny. Only she was allowed to boss him around, mainly because she did it so rarely.
Ashe couldn't stand it anymore as a boisterous laugh erupted from deep inside her chest spilling out her lips as she slowly bent down to grab the satchel at her feet and pull it back up with her. Reaching inside the leather flap, she quickly pulled out the sought after fleshy fruit, tossing it to the exasperated and stupefied boy before her.
Penelo's laughter became unstoppable, her fit bringing her to her knees as the lack of air to the brain made her too weak to stand up.
"You mean to tell me we had this in our stuff the whole time?!" Vaan croaked, his hand tightening around the soft fruit.
"Yes."
"I got my face smothered in sand, my backside has a chunk missing out of it because I woke up a sleeping plant. I was chased by a herd of VERY pissed off cacti; my foot and leg look like a damn shish kebab. no thanks to the neighborhood pack of friendly wolves. I have even more holes in my arm than I care to know right now, I am soaked to the bone in dinosaur drool!" Vaan roared heatedly, "And that doesn't even include the fact that my ass REALLY hurts right now!"
The last words echoed through the post, silencing everything else as every guard and merchant stopped whatever they were doing and looked at the origin of such a peculiar yell. However, the conversation was left at that between the wayfarers; the defenseless fruit Vaan had been gripping was now crushed into oblivion by Vaan's rage as he spun round and headed toward the small inn so that he could take a much needed bath, and tend to both his sore rear and offended pride.
Unexpectedly, the most deafening roar of laughter till now busted out behind him, yet he ignored their fun, mulling over his adventure and his crappy luck.
"Should we tell him?" Ashe choked out barely able to form words.
"I don't think he knows," Penelo howled, finally completely collapsing to the ground in her mirth.
"No, he'll find out just as soon as he tries to sit down," Balthier snickered as he witnessed Vaan's backend, a couple hundred long and thick spines protruding from his rump as well as a huge bite mark on his left buttock from the 'furious' cactoid.
"That will teach him a lesson," Basch finally cracked a chuckle, "Let sleeping cactoids… well… sleep, or they can turn out to be a pain in the…"
Everyone else turned to face the knight; eyes wide open in utter bewilderment – and amusement – as they waited for him to say one of the words that surely didn't figure into his vocabulary.
"… hind end."