A/N: Hello, new "little" oneshot from me.
This is a songfic for Three Days Grace's song Time of dying. I've been listening to that song and this idea has been playing in my head and due to some blackouts in here, I've finally gotten bored enough to actually take the time to type it out. It turned out longer than I thought. Not sure if it's a good thing.
I've also tried to use a bit of my vocabulary in here. I'm Finnish, so English isn't my first language and lately I've been wanting to improve myself and try to use it more. So here's one of my tries.
Try to enjoy it.
FACELESS MASK
It had all happened so fast.
First there had been an enormous flash of light and a horrified shriek turning into a pained one and Raito had felt pressure and pain shooting up his form as he'd been knocked slightly to the side as much as the seatbelt allowed, a surprised gasp escaping his lips. For a small moment which felt far slower than it really was he was able to see just white as pain overtook his form, black starting to spread from the edges of his vision, making him inhale another pained breath as he felt something in his throat that made him cough out blood.
What the hell had just happened..?
His mind wasn't working so well. He couldn't tell whether it was because of the pain he felt or the shock that shook his body from head to toes and made him close his eyes for a while before opening them again to actually pay attention to his surroundings.
He could hear screams. Horrified ones..? Probably yes. Something really bad had just happened, of that much he was sure. Where was he again..?
He could see his father yanking Sayu out of the car from the other side and looking at him with a bloodstained face like he had been just forced to hell.
Maybe he was, Raito thought quickly as he felt blood dripping from wounds he had just realised he possessed.
This was really bad.
Was his father bellowing his name..?
He really should start paying more attention to the present situation.
He let out a small yelp as his father climbed to the car and started pulling him out of the car as gently as he could, but having to rip pieces of his clothing that had been stuck in the progress. Raito breathed heavily as his father laid him to the hard ground next to Sayu who was crying, diamond tears spilling from her eyes and falling to the ground.
On the ground I lay
Motionless in pain
I can see my life flashing before my eyes
He was turned into a foetal position. Had he gotten badly hurt? Was he going to die?
…Die…
Screams and voices of the public that had started to surround them, pointing at him, were driving him crazy. His head and whole body just hurt so badly, why did he have to go through this kind of humiliating torture as well? They had just gone out to eat with the family… How had it come to this..? Why did it have to happen like this?
He wasn't ready to die. He didn't want to die. He had to live. He would survive this, he knew he would. No matter how he was slowly starting to notice how badly he had really been hurt, he could overcome it. He was Yagami Raito after all. He was the God of the New world. His world wouldn't survive without its God. Without him. Misa would surely go on doing his job, but…she was just bound to get caught if he wasn't looking after her.
People needed him. And he wanted to live. So he wouldn't die.
He felt blood dripping from his mouth and saw his father kneeling besides him and Sayu screaming her lungs out just a few metres away. He felt horrible.
He was causing them to be in pain.
He tried to escape the moment, but he couldn't. Some people were just passing the scene, looking at what was going on curiously, but most of them were starting to form a thick barrier from the scene and the outside world.
He tried to close his eyes to calm himself down as he started to tremble in panic but he felt his father's hands on his shoulders, telling him as calmly as he could to just please, keep them open. So he just blinked a few times and swallowed the blood, thinking how big the rapture in his burning lungs was and if he was going through any serious internal bleeding.
There was no escape from this situation.
It was horrible. It was surreal, yet really frighteningly real, like a nightmare filled with a pain so intense it was dripping through and making the body really feel it, even through the haze of the hell the subconscious had created for the night.
Did I fall asleep?
Is this all a dream?
Wake me up
I'm living a nightmare
He swallowed for a few times again, trying to block out the pain that had started to become so unbearable that his vision got blurred by little droplets of salty water.
What time was it? It must've been at least ten pm… He was supposed to go and work with L. He was supposed to get a goodnight sleep to charge his batteries and outsmart the genius once again. But before that, he was supposed to go through yet another boring school day that gave him very little new things to learn without being at ease by it all. He had agreed to meet L, acting as Hideki Ryuuga, an obvious false-name to get on his nerves, during lunchtime, watch the young man sip down his black coffee ruined by at least five cubes of sugar and force himself to eat a sandwich when L licked his fingers from the traces of any kind of sugary stuff he had decided to have that day. It was always a maddening experience, yet also very delighting thanks for the intelligent conversations they would share, giving each others a hard time trying to stay up for their sides when the other one didn't share the same opinion and the anger or pleasure to lose or win.
It was hard to believe that maybe he would never be able to do that again. To steal curious glances from the older man with mesmerizing eyes that rarely bothered to blink and see his lip curl into an odd curve as his eyes widened excitedly with the battle that had just been laid on the table.
Raito took in all the pleasure from being able to get at least something out of the otherwise very blank man. He could get a reaction, even if others wouldn't really be able to read it that well. He admitted that he couldn't either, but it was still something nonetheless.
He wished that this moment could be just get done with and forgotten and he'd be able to go on with his life so he wouldn't have to just… lie in here and think. He realised that he'd been withdrawing from the current situation again and his father had started to panic with tearstained face. He blinked for a few times and forced his eyes to focus on his father's face. Then Sayu. He looked around. Then he glanced at his father again.
"…Where's mum?" he asked in pain, confused by the fact that she wasn't there. She was supposed to be, right? She was in the car too. Raito had been sitting right behind her…
…On the side of the car where the crash came to…
Realisation was slowly starting to spread in his ripped mind and he drew in a gasp again as his father just kept brushing his cheek and told him not to worry about it now with bloodshot eyes.
If Raito hadn't already been crying as much as he could from the pain, that was when he would've broken down completely. He knew what that meant. It meant that his mum was gone. She was gone and never coming back. And Raito was heading right after her.
He had never thought something like this could happen to their family.
He wondered if the person who had collided to them had died too. It was possible, as he didn't see anyone else who seemed to be related to the situation panicking around in pain.
There were just the three of them. Maybe soon there'd be two.
He might die. He really could do it.
He grabbed his father's arm harshly and coughed a little as he let the words escape from his bruised lips.
"Can you get Ryuuzaki in here for me?"
I will not die
I will survive
His father was shaking his head and telling him to take it easy and just try to stay awake and focused on the mass of things around them that he couldn't analyze as well as he would've wanted to. He narrowed his eyes angrily and kept his grip on his father's sleeve almost as if he'd been twisting it in some kind of a fit as he shook his own head for a few times before realising how much it hurt and stopped.
"No. Get him. I'll be better if you get him. Please", he said, not really being sure of what he was talking about either. His genius brain capacity was dropping and rising in this ghastly situation and it was seriously starting to piss him off. He felt adrenaline running in his veins which might actually be a good thing for being strong and surviving this.
Because he was going to survive. He wasn't going to die in a mere car accident. Even if his mum was gone… She'd want him to live too. He couldn't let her down. He couldn't let everyone down. He had still so many things he wanted to do and witness in his life. He certainly wasn't going to go now.
He gritted his teeth in pain as the pain in his chest and stomach started to throb again.
If he'd just get morphine or something, he'd be thrilled… Where was the fucking ambulance? Weren't they supposed to come quickly? Or maybe it was, he just couldn't really analyze the passing time anymore. How long ago had it been really?
He was starting to hear the faint sound of the ambulance and sighed. Well at least they were coming. And pretty fast, as it sounded. The police would probably come soon too to take care of the public and traffic.
People were probably sitting in their cars, cursing as the line didn't move forward, cancelling urgent appointments and hating everyone who had something to do with this sudden block.
Well, there wasn't really anything he could do to help them. He was fighting for his life, damn it. This was all just crazy. Hopefully he'd survive without any lasting damage. If he'd get paralyzed he'd kill himself. Almost at least.
He was starting to get drowsy as he watched his father push the button in his belt twice, making Watari call him soon. Hopefully L would come. Raito knew the man wasn't very fond of public, but for some reason he couldn't quite explain he wanted him there. Surely he'd support him, right? Not wish for his death?
No… L certainly wouldn't wish for his death. L wasn't like that, even though he helped to catch criminals and made sure the evidence sometimes faced the death sentence. It wasn't like L. And he was one of L's very few personal contacts. L wouldn't want him to just… go away.
He tried to imagine the way L's eyes got glassy when he'd hear about the accident. It hurt him to put the man in so much pain, but he just needed his support so much. And if these really would be his final moments, he wanted to spend them with L, talking about several intellectual things, just ignoring what was really going on. L could probably do it too.
Would L cry after him?
Probably no. L wasn't really like that, his blank mask blocked all his personal feelings from the outside world. He really didn't have breakdowns. Maybe he'd have trouble focusing in his work for some time, but he'd overcome it with his stubbornness. Because that was what L was like.
His father was still talking on the phone when the ambulance finally got to them and Raito felt himself getting rapidly carried to the car, his dad and uncontrollably weeping Sayu right behind them. Hopefully they'd be fine. He could see that Sayu's wrist had swollen and turned bluish. He started to worry after her and couldn't stop even when the oxygen mask was pulled over his face.
Now just if… L would really come, he'd swear he'd be just fine.
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
I feel alive
When you're beside me
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
In my time of dying
"L. An urgent call just came through from Yagami-san", Watari said as he walked in the investigation's main room where L was going through the footage of the week's criminals and trying to conclude whether there were any kind of suspicious behaviour. L didn't raise his gaze to meet the older man's as he popped a raspberry in his mouth and savoured its feeling and taste in his mouth.
"What was it about, Watari?" he asked as his eyes jumped rapidly from one black letter to another on the case files. He rubbed his toes together excitedly, wondering whether the urgent call concerned the Kira case. Maybe Yagami-san had witnessed suspicious behaviour among his family members? Maybe even found out just exactly how the world's most famous murderer passed his judgments?
"There's been a car accident. His wife is dead and Yagami-kun is in critical condition", Watari said softly. L's eyes stopped as he started to realise just what had Watari just said. He turned to look at the man's wrinkled face with eyes greedily asking for more information.
"How long ago was this? Has there been any information told to Yagami-san by the doctors?" he asked and almost reached for another raspberry but decided that he really didn't feel like eating them anymore as he stared blankly at the older man.
"About five or ten minutes ago. And it is possible that Yagami-kun won't make it. He's asking for you to come to him", Watari passed the message and L grit his teeth.
"Why would he want me to go there?" he asked.
"Because he's afraid of dying. And if he really isn't Kira, or maybe even if he is Kira, he may see you as a very important person to him. A friend, even."
"Thank you for informing me about the current situation, Watari, but I don't think it's safe for me to go to the public area", L stated and turned back to his work. Watari stood behind him for a while, but L didn't pay any attention to him.
"I understand", he finally said as he left. When the door had closed L's sight went unfocused and he curled his arms around his knees that were brought against his chest in their usual manner.
Yagami Raito… was dying?
He didn't really like the idea, he found out as he tried to analyze his opinion. No, actually he hated the idea. Kira or not, it wasn't his time to go just now. If he was Kira, he was meant to get caught by him first, then he wouldn't really care. If he wasn't Kira, he should've helped to bring the investigation to its end with that prideful look on his face, smiling as he could bring revenge on the person who had invaded his privacy and put him and his family go through a lot of pain and suffering.
Either way, he was simply not supposed to die right now. It annoyed the hell out of L. He wished he'd be able to control death so he could save the innocent from it, but he wasn't. Death was just natural. It was needed.
He felt his hands trembling.
This was such an unfortunate event. Everyone aware of it was probably going through some kind of pain. He was allowed to do so too.
Still… Why had Raito wanted him to be there?
Even though the thought should've probably made him feel more appreciated and happy, it made him feel rather dull and sad. Especially when he thought about the fact that he had just harshly let the young man battling with death.
He wondered if Raito had pleaded.
He wondered what was going through his mind.
But he really couldn't understand. He had no idea what the young man was going through.
It had been almost fifteen minutes since Watari had come in to inform him about the situation, making it almost an half an hour since the actual accident. L wondered if the boy was still alive.
He stood up and grabbed his mobile phone from the table, using a shortcut to call into Watari's phone and ask him to take him to the hospital anyway.
Raito was waiting for him.
On this bed I lay
Losing everything
I can see my life passing me by
Why was he alone..?
Fear had started to overtake him and the pain had started to feel oddly way lesser than it was supposed to. Maybe it was because of the painkillers? Maybe it was because of the shock? Because of the fact that he was really, really dying? Or the combination of all? He couldn't tell, but he certainly hoped that it wasn't the last one.
He was not ready to die! His family was already ripped now that his mother was dead, they didn't need him to go too after seeing him suffer like he did. It wasn't fair! No one had confirmed what had happened to his mum for him, probably trying to save him from even more panicking and depression, not to mention the endless thoughts of death that took over his mind with their lazy spiralling, hypnotizing him as if trying to make him just give it all up and see what comes next if anything does.
He wondered if any of his schoolmates, old or new ones, had been informed of the situation. Probably no, because he didn't really believe that his family had the strength to do so, or even to really think about it. He didn't know if there were any other people waiting to see him other than his exhausted and scared family members, which happened to be only Sayu and his dad for the moment. They had probably gone through a health check too while he had been… he had been…
The thought of people giving him pain medication and trying to make him pass out so they could operate was making him sick. The gas that made him all drowsy and dizzy, the fear of the tools laid somewhere where the doctors with their masks and gloves could easily reach out for them.
It had scared him so badly. It had really made him realise just how deep in he actually was.
When he had waken up, he had still been in pain, but nonetheless he was still alive. There was a monitor showing his heartbeats, an oxygen mask on his face and several needles sunk through his skin to give things he didn't really know about to his veins.
He was still in critical condition. From what he had heard, there'd been so much damage that the operation hadn't gone as well as the doctors would've wanted. There was still no guarantee that he wouldn't die here and now, with no one in the room with him to even notice it.
He heard loud wailing from the hallway and felt fear gripping his insides.
He was really going to die in here. He remembered a time so far in the past when he and Sayu had been mere children. Sayu had been going through a really bad fever and he remembered bringing her bottles of fresh water and damp pieces of fabric to press on her burning forehead, pleading her not to die on him. Because he didn't want her to die and she wasn't allowed to just leave him alone to take care of everyone.
Now it was pretty much the other way around. Sayu was probably even more scared than he had been back then.
The thought brought tears in his eyes.
Was it all too much?
Or just not enough?
Wake me up
I'm living a nightmare
L loathed traffic.
Before, he hadn't really cared. Of course in urgent situations it had really annoyed him, but now it was driving him angrier than he had ever really been. Watari was sitting calmly behind the wheel and L fidgeted on the backseat, his knees brought up and being tapped by his slender fingers.
If he had left right when he heard the news, he would still be stuck in the traffic, yes, but during that time he would've gotten so much further. Now it was just… well, everything was stuck. In the last fifteen minutes they had gotten only about ten metres forward from the hotel's front door.
It'd be faster to walk. Even though it was more risky and would take a hell of a lot time, it'd go faster. L started to unbuckle his seatbelt and knew that Watari was watching him from the mirror.
"You go with the car. In case the traffic eases up and you could catch me and get there sooner. I'll try to walk there."
"Alright", Watari answered as L stepped out of the car and started walking rapidly on the walkway.
He just… really wished he'd be able to make it in time.
I will not die
I will survive
When Raito's father and Sayu entered the room, the young girl was sobbing horribly and looked as though she wouldn't be able to look at him. His father seemed to have cried as well, but tried to appear comforting and strong before his only son.
Raito tried to shush Sayu gently as he took her small and warm hand in his own and gave the girl a little smile before turning to look at his father again, questioning him. Soichiro sat next to him and kept stroking his hair with his shaky hands.
"I called Water and told you wanted him to come. I'm not sure whether he will, though… Not to mention all the traffic outside…" he said with a heavy sigh. Raito knew he wasn't lying, and was worried about whether L would come or not too. Raito had asked for him in his suffering, after all.
"It's okay", Raito said as he closed his eyes momentarily, feeling pain in his chest again. "I'll wait for him. He'll visit me, I know it."
Soichiro nodded even though he knew that Raito wasn't really able to see him through his closed eyelids. Sayu's tears fell on his hands and Raito turned to look at her, trying to seem as calm as he could.
"Don't cry, Sayu. It's okay."
"Don't die… Please don't die, Onii-chan", she pleaded quietly and hiccupped. Raito smiled.
"Don't worry about it, Sayu. It's okay. I'll hang on. And I don't think death is really that bad of a thing: it's only natural. Nothing bad comes after it, it's actually a bliss", he tried to comfort her but failing and making her sob a little more.
He knew that even if he'd die, there'd be no heaven or hell. Ryuk had said that death was equal.
What made him even more alerted was the fact that he hadn't seen the Shinigami after the accident. He had forced it to stay at home when he went to the restaurant because Ryuk really made him tired with all the complaining of how hard it was to keep up with a car with his bad wings.
Now that he thought about it, Ryuk had looked at him for a little while before agreeing and asking if he could steal some apples from downstairs and play something.
What if his time really was running out and the Shinigami had known it all along? What if even now it was lurking somewhere where it could see the numbers above his head running slowly towards the end?
Would today really be his end? Or tomorrow? Or was he just over-thinking it and actually managing to tell himself that he was really going to die because of the accident?
"Do you want anything, Onii-chan?" Sayu asked quietly, wiping her tears away, only for them to be replaced by new ones.
"Nothing I haven't already asked for", Raito answered and closed his eyes to save his energy as he started to acknowledge the pain again.
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
I feel alive
When you're beside me
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
In my time of dying
L was on a really grumpy mood.
He was colliding with people every now and then as he hurried forwards with a quick pace and glared at everyone who didn't get off his way when he was coming. He was in a rush, he had someone waiting for him!
He had thought about the matter on his walk, because it refused to leave his brain. It might've been due to the shock and stress of putting in the situation he was in or it might've been not, but it still refused to leave him to battle with his thoughts of what to do with the Kira case instead of the sudden "Raito case" as he had started to call it in his mind.
He just hoped that the young man wouldn't die before he got to him. There was just… there were things he wanted to express to the boy. Things he hadn't really realised before finding out that he might really lose him any second.
Hopefully he wasn't gone already. He had to make it.
He rarely made contacts. There was no use for them, for he would always just put them in danger because of being the legendary detective L, not to mention his other famous aliases. His work took all of his time, which lead to no time for keeping up any kinds of relationships at all. It was just best not to have any contacts except for Watari, who had found him when he had been just a mere orphan child, broken by his family's death and refusing to mutter out a word before he found someone who he would actually care to talk about.
But then came the Kira investigation and all the problems with it and getting to know the investigation team face to face, and letting them to get something out of him as well. They had started to matter something to him. Even though he still liked being left alone and got annoyed by Matsuda and others at times too, he still quite enjoyed working with them. They had started to feel close to him.
And then with the investigation came the number one suspect: Yagami Raito. Raito whom he had after some consideration pulled into the investigation itself, deciding to keeping a close eye on him in order to protect himself. Whose friend he had slowly become during the lunch-break-arguments.
Not to mention the stolen kiss once on the school's bathroom, away from everyone else's sight. It had been done on an impulse, really, and it had been merely a joke, a part of their daring game. They had never really talked about it since.
Yes. They were friends. And Raito wanted him to be there.
And he would. He would make it in there in time. He'd do whatever he could to keep the young man alive.
We'll survive this, Raito-kun.
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
I feel alive
When you're beside me
I will not die
I'm waiting for you
In my time of dying
He kept swallowing harshly as he felt his father rubbing his hand quietly. Sayu had sank to the chair without saying anything, just staring blankly at the heart monitor as if waiting for his heart to stop in a horror that she couldn't express with her strained face muscles. Raito kept his eyes closed and tried not to focus on the pain but failed at it.
"It hurts…" he stated quietly, feeling his father's rubs becoming rougher and shakier by every passing minute. "Can you call him again and tell him to come?"
"I tried that a minute ago, Raito. Watari won't call back", Soichiro said gently, watching his sickly pale son open his eyes tiredly and take in another pained breath.
"Do you think he told him not to?" he asked quietly. Had L really just abounded him when he needed him the most? Did that kind of cruelty really lie under the strong and soft surface? He must've been coming. Raito was waiting. He would come, Raito was so sure he would come… but at the same time, he wasn't really sure at all.
It'd be just like L to leave him alone after all.
Bastard.
"I don't know, Raito. Maybe they left already and forgot the phone?" Soichiro asked. Raito sighed.
"They don't just forget it. I'm sure. He's avoiding me", Raito said but Soichiro shook his head strongly.
"Whatever Ryuuzaki is doing, he is not avoiding you. Maybe he just doesn't feel like he's ready to deal with a situation like this", he tried to reason. It didn't make Raito feel any better.
"He… left me… all alone", Raito said bitterly with a shaky voice and closed his eyes again to prevent the tears from spilling. "He isn't coming."
"He'll be here any minute, Raito."
"You can't promise that", Raito said quietly. "It feels so cold…"
An awkward silence was filling the room again and Sayu kept rocking silently in the chair, now looking at the raising sun which's golden rays had started to fill the room. It would've been truly beautiful, if it wouldn't have been for the hospital's sterile surroundings to ruin it.
Raito felt like he was dead already. He knew he was dying. He knew he couldn't overcome the pain ripping him apart and causing his body to go all rigid and stiff, making it hard to draw in the precious oxygen his brains longed for so he could think clearly. But no, he couldn't think clearly in this situation anyway.
He felt himself slipping. A tear prickled from the edge of his eye.
I will not die (Feel alive)
I'm waiting for you
L finally managed to make it to the hospital. He wiped his nose as the awful scent filled his nose and walked to the desk, asking where the hell in this building Yagami Raito, the victim of the evening's car accident, was located.
Hang on Raito, I'll be right there…
I will not die (Feel alive)
When you're beside me
"Why are you crying, Raito?" Sayu asked silently as he watched the tears fall down, the other one from the corner right below his temple and the other down his swollen cheek as he tried to gasp in oxygen to make it through the sudden need of it from the sobbing that shook his whole form harshly.
"I can't feel him…" he muttered mostly to himself, without really understanding his own words by himself either.
"Raito, are you alright? Raito! RAITO!"
The screams filled his head as he felt a pain he hadn't yet felt and started gagging and trembling as his head turned to the side and vision went black.
I will not die (Feel alive)
I'm waiting for you
L was already on the hallway when doctors rushed quickly over him and he felt himself getting really scared. He heard screaming of a young girl from one of the rooms and Soichiro Yagami's yelling of what was going on.
He rushed to the room and stared at the horrible sight laid right before him.
He couldn't understand what the doctors were saying as shock shook his form and made him freeze in the spot, staring as electric shots ran through Raito's body, making it jump and make his heart beat for once, maybe twice before it stopped again.
He stared and felt a horrible sensation rushing to him.
He had… he had been late.
After some time of making attempts to wake the young man up without avail, the doctors stated the time of death and left the room for people close to the dead man lying on the white sheets, looking horrible with his ruffled hair and ashy skin, bruises and cuts covering most of his right side.
He didn't notice Soichiro Yagami hugging his daughter who had broken down as he walked next to him and ran his fingers on Raito's still warm cheeks.
He leaned down and kissed his dead lips for one last time before breaking down himself, grasping the shirt of the person whom he had just realised he loved more than he loved anything else.
And he was gone. He would never hear the whisper of the four words L sobbed in his ears. But… I love you.
In my time of dying
A/N: I have a feeling I could've done better, it was slightly boring and I failed to catch them as well as I would've wanted, not to mention the OOCness which I blame on having too little sleep.
But I still hope you liked it and bother to review!