by: Strike to Incinerate.
Chapter One.
Note: My first DOA fic. Don't kill me! Hitomi, Helena and Lei Fang are my favorites, because they're pretty much AWESOME.
Warning: Extreme character bashing. Except for... like, Lei Fang, Lisa, Hayate and Helena. Ayane, Hitomi, Jann Lee, Hayabusa, Kasumi, Kokoro, Christie, Tina, BASHED. I love them, though. DOA ROCKS!
Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Still want to bitchslap Itagaki, though.
--
"Void I can't fill.
The doctor tells me to relax and stand still
Prescribes me a new pill to quell my anger.
Wish I could make her pull herself up off the floor."
the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - 'Waiting'.
--
"Hitomi... is an idiot..."
Kasumi looked at her, mouth open and eyes wide.
Ayane chuckled. "And what brings you to that conclusion, Tina-san?" she asked.
"Hai! That's very mean to say!" the redheaded kunoichi added. "I thought you and Hitomi-san were friends!"
"I call fighting with someone over a head of lettuce pretty stupid," Lisa interjected.
The blond professional wrestler/model/actress/rockstar shook her head, ignoring Lisa's comment. "Well, I mean, yeah, we are friends! But she is totally clueless!" she said.
"'Bout what, Tina?" Lei Fang asked, plopping down beside her on the grass, and crossing one leg over the other.
"Yes, about what, Tina?" Helena, Christie in tow, echoed as she and the albino assassin approached them.
"And what gave you the urge to call us here? I hate parks," Christie said disdainfully.
"But apparently, you like poledancing," Ayane murmured, causing her half-sister and once-rival to dissolve into muffled giggles. Christie had to stifle the urge to slap her.
"Alright, alright! About Jann Lee," Tina said. "And that's why I've called you all here. We've got to set them up. For the good of humanity," she explained.
"I don't see how setting up a sweet girl like Hitomi and a mysogynist prick like Jann Lee could be for 'the good of humanity'. I could live without seeing the screaming, bipolar children they would have," Christie said, starting to pick at her nails. Helena slapped her hand. She made a face.
"Well... Hitomi's got to stop stalking Ein. Or Hayate. Whatever his real name is," Tina said.
"I bet it's Billy-Bob, and that's why he keeps changing it," Lei Fang giggled.
"It is not!" the two kunoichi said, in their brother's defense. "It's Hayate! Don't make fun of niisan!" Kasumi said, by herself.
"ANYWAY," Tina continued, shooting Lei Fang a 'look', to prevent further interruptions, "she's got to stop stalking him. It isn't healthy... and it's kind of lame. And, he doesn't like her."
"You know," Kasumi began whispering to Ayane, "I think niisan might be gay."
Ayane cocked her head to one side. "Well, that might explain why he doesn't like us."
Christie leaned down to add to the conversation, "Or, he just doesn't like incest or stalkers."
They looked ready to shank her. Helena grabbed the assassin's arm and pulled her away from them. "What did I tell you about ruining the dreams of the young?"
"That I shouldn't do it unless I'm being paid?" she guessed in a droll tone.
Lei Fang whipped out a five and tucked it into the other's exposed cleavage. "There. Payment. Now, ruin away!"
Christie smiled appreciatively. "I could get to like her."
"Lei Fang..." Helena warned.
"I would stop egging your assassin on... if you'd let me sit in your lap, Helena," Lei Fang offered with a wink.
"If that's all you wanted, why didn't you say so, my dear?" Helena said, letting a small, flirtatious smile slip. She sat on the grass, and Lei Fang hopped into her lap.
"BACK TO THE POINT AT HAND, PLEASE," Tina said, clapping her hands together to bring everyone's attention back to her. "As I was saying, Hitomi's obsession with Hayate is unhealthy, especially when a perfectly good replacement for him is standing right in front of her!"
"I don't think Jann Lee is, or would appreciate being called, a perfectly good replacement for niisan," Kasumi said, biting her lip.
"What, you want to sit in someone's lap, too?" Kokoro asked.
Kasumi nodded quickly.
Kokoro opened her arms. "Alright, come 'ere!" she said.
Ayane, without a word, forced Christie to the ground and sat in the assassin's lap.
"Do you honestly..."
"Move and I'll stab you."
"Ayane-chan hates being left out," Kasumi whispered to Kokoro.
Lisa rolled her eyes. It seemed that she, Tina and Hitomi were the only two women in the DOA who still liked men.
Then again... Lei Fang and Kasumi were pretty cute.
'I guess I'd tap that.'
"Oh, yeah? Well, how come he shows her respect when Lei Fang's been begging for it for the past three years!" Tina said.
"Again, if Jann Lee's looking for a woman with self-respect, I don't think he'd be attracted to a girl who dances around her apartment naked," Christie said.
"Do you have proof of this alleged naked dance?" Ayane asked.
"Well... I was doing surveillance... so I might have a video of it..." Christie said thoughtfully.
"CHRISTIE-SAN!" Kasumi and Kokoro both exclaimed.
"What? She shouldn't've left those windows wide open!" Christie retorted.
"I so want a copy," Lei Fang mumbled.
"Nobody is getting any copies!" Tina said, punching Christie's arm. "And, Jann Lee saved her from a tyrannosaurus Rex. Why she thought it was okay to go take a stroll in Jurassic Park and try to pet Rex Jr., I don't know. But he saved her. I think he's in love with her," she finished.
"Or, he was looking for a good fight," Lei Fang suggested.
"Oh! He should fight Hayabusa-sama! I've never been able to beat him!" Kasumi said.
"Hayabusa-sama, Hayate-sama, and Jann Lee should do a cage match," Ayane said, remembering what a cage match was from the time she watched professional wrestling to get info on how Tina fought.
"Hm... could be interesting. We could get Brad Wong to be the color announcer," Christie added.
"Oh, wow. That's a great idea! I bet everyone would come see it!" Kokoro said.
"So, it's settled. We'll invite the three men to compete in a cage match!" the lavender-haired kunoichi decided.
"HELLO? BACK TO HITOMI AND JANN LEE!" Tina shouted. "Ahem. Now that I have your attention... I think Jann Lee, at the very least, is interested in Hitomi. Hitomi, however, appears to not be interested. We must fix this," the blond said.
"We can't make Hitomi like Jann Lee."
"But we can try!" Christie said, in the most cheerful tone she could manage (which was rather disturbing).
"Please, God, would you kill me now?" Helena moaned.
"Aw, Helena... it'll be fun! I haven't played matchmaker in forever!" Lei Fang coaxed the opera singer.
"So, you're in? You're not upset about it?" Tina said, looking to Lei Fang.
"Nah. Like you said, in three years, he never warmed up to me... he's a jerk, but we're kinda friends, so I kinda want him to be happy. Hitomi, too," Lei Fang replied.
"Cool! What shall we title this project?" Tina asked, tapping her chin.
"Operation: Bruce Lee and the Karate Kid should give up their dreams and make babies?" Ayane suggested.
"How about: Operation: Get a Life?" Kokoro suggested.
"Lame, but super secret matchmaking missions never have cool names. Operation: Get a Life it is!" Tina agreed.
"Who needs to get a life?"
All eight females looked up to the boughes of the trees above them. Two ninjas, one in white and one in black, sat on different branches.
"Hitomi-san!" Kasumi told her brother and his best friend proudly.
"Ah. Hitomi-kun does need a life. If she keeps up this stalking thing... and even though she promised me she'd stop, I know she isn't going to... I might have to not be her friend anymore," Hayate agreed, rubbing the back of his neck.
"And I have no advice for him, sadly. My only troubles with women are that none are attracted to me," Hayabusa said.
"The life of a ninja is a lonely one indeed, eh?" Lisa asked him.
He nodded.
"Aw, Hayabusa-sama, that's what prostitutes are for! Give Christie a twenty and she might strip for you!" Ayane laughed.
Christie slapped her.
"Owch. Bitch," Ayane muttered.
"Don't hit my imoto-chan," Kasumi mumbled, hoping that Christie didn't hear. She loved Ayane, but not enough to suffer a slap for it.
"All I have are fifties..." Hayabusa groaned.
"Heeey! Give me a few!" Kokoro asked.
The ninja raised a brow. "Why? Are you going to take your clothes off?"
"No. I want to buy a Wii."
"Oooh. That sounds promising!" the Super Ninja said, jumping down. He touched Kokoro's shoulder, and the two disappeared to the nearest EB.
Kasumi pouted. "Now who's lap am I going to sit in?" she mumbled sadly.
"Poor gal. You can sit in mine," Lisa said, patting her lap invitingly. Like a puppy, Kasumi jumped in it.
"So, I guess I'm in, if you ladies want to help Hitomi get a life," Hayate said.
"Sweet!"
"As long as you're not... setting her up with Jann Lee or something," he added.
"Oh, well, see... the thing is..." Tina began.
"EIN?! Is that you?"
"SHIT."
--
End.
Just a random thought I had...
Yes, this does reflect my personal opinoin of what the DOA series is turning into. I do think that Itagaki is ruining Hitomi and turning all of the characters into incestual bitches or lesbians (which is okay, but not for the storyline. I like yuri and all, but they're blowing it way out of proportion). Hitomi stalking Ein was cute for DOA3, but now it's kind of annoying. And Jann Lee does seem to like her. So, why not give HIM a chance?
God, I hate DOA4. Everybody got stupid in that game.
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