I originally started this story after the season 4 finale just about a year ago but real life and difficulty with what direction to take it in slowed progress to a halt. I ended up revising it a couple times as season 5 progressed but my heart just wasn't in it. Then, with this year's finale my muse returned (if you've read any of my other stories I bet you can guess why) and the ideas started flowing again. I chose not to change the ending to match canon so this will become AU at the end. Also, there will be a little bit of foul language thrown in here or there, I hope it won't offend anybody.
All of the situations and dialogue you recognize from the show are taken directly from episode 4.21 or various episodes from season 5 and belong to the genius of Five-0's writers, producers, directors and cast. I can only take credit for everything else.
Although I have read and re-read this numerous times I'm definitely not perfect so I'm sure you will find mistakes which are all my own and for which I apologize in advance. This is the first story I've published in over a year and also my first multi-chapter story so I really hope it's worth the ridiculous number of hours I spent writing it. It is basically finished (although I reserve the right to play with the ending a little bit) so you will get all of it in a timely manner – I promise!
Finally, I wish to express my thanks to LuckyStarPham for inspiring me to revisit this story and finally finish it.
I hope you enjoy!
Conquering Nightmares
Chapter 1
They were surrounded by chaos. Their plan had gone to hell and they were outnumbered at least three to one. Normally, this wouldn't be an issue for a pair like Steve McGarrett and Catherine Rollins, but when you add a group of innocent children into the mix, it changes everything.
Steve was at the front of a stopped convoy of three Taliban vehicles and Catherine at the rear working quietly to evacuate a dozen young kidnap victims when suddenly gunfire had erupted and men began shouting. Steve grabbed the man closest to him, used him as a human shield and then snapped his neck and tossed his body aside as he searched the fray for the next man he needed to kill. Because in this situation, it was kill or be killed, and everyone present knew it.
Steve heard Catherine call to him and he shouted "Get the kids!" before continuing to take down as many of their enemy as he could to cover her and the boys she was evacuating from the truck. Catherine helped the boys jump down and encouraged them to run.
She broke cover a couple times to fire upon the Taliban soldiers and, believing she had neutralized the immediate threat to the boys' safety, was following them into the field when she walked right into the line of fire of a man she had previously hit and thought was down. He had her dead to rights, as her weapon was down but Steve had the man in his sights…
Steve woke with a start, in his sun-filled bedroom in Hawaii at the same time Catherine Rollins jerked awake in a dark cave in Afghanistan. Bodies trembling and hearts pounding, both tried to shake off the last vestiges of their nightmares.
Catherine realized it was the middle of the night and she needed to try and get more sleep so she attempted to get comfortable on the sleeping mat and closed her eyes, hoping she wouldn't experience the recurring nightmare again.
Steve looked over at the clock on his bedside table and realized it was 0900 even though he'd only slept for four hours due to a stakeout that ran late and an inability to wind down immediately when he'd finally arrived home. Still tired but not wanting to close his eyes again he sat up and tried to clear his head enough to make a plan for the day. He had told the team not to come in before noon so was faced with the options of going in to the office early or heading out for a run or swim to try and clear his head. Deciding on a swim he rose and reached for a pair of board shorts.
Around the same time Steve and Catherine were waking from their nightmares Danny Williams was sitting in his office at Five-0 headquarters finishing up some paperwork. He had been afforded the earlier, mid-day shift of the stakeout since he had plans with his daughter Grace for the evening. Having had a good night's sleep had arrived at work at his usual time even though Steve had issued strict instructions not to come in before noon. Danny figured the Neanderthal would probably sneak in before his self-imposed curfew anyway and wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he wanted to argue with Danny for being there as well.
The blonde detective signed off on his last form and placed it on the side of his desk. He spun to the computer and checked his calendar, noting that Grace had a cheerleading practice the following afternoon. Then he noticed something else – it had been exactly four months since the day he had boarded a plane to Afghanistan to pick up the pieces of a personal mission gone horribly wrong. He sat back in his chair, recalling the events of that day.
They had just closed a case involving the theft of an organ for donation and Catherine had called him from Afghanistan in a panic to tell him Steve had been captured by the Taliban and instructing him to call Joe White to set up a rescue. Danny had immediately done so, giving Joe the information he had received from Catherine – which included only the name of a man and some coordinates for the camp. It wasn't much, but to her credit, it was everything Joe needed.
An hour later Danny was on a military transport bound for a US military base in Jalalabad, Afghanistan where he was able to listen, with his heart in his throat, to an audio feed as the team breached the Taliban compound Catherine had provided coordinates for and where they hoped Steve was being held. He could still recall, in vivid detail, the relief he had felt upon hearing the words 'the package is secure', meaning they had found Steve alive. But his relief was dampened by the Navy officer in charge calling out orders to prepare for wounded which made Danny realize he didn't know what kind of shape his friend would be in; they might not be out of the woods quite yet.
Upon arriving at the base Steve had been in bad shape, even worse then when his Five-0 team had gotten him out of Korea. Danny's first glimpse of the SEAL, as the stretcher bearing the man was carried off the helicopter and transferred to a gurney was that he had horribly beaten – but what worried Danny the most was that his friend was unconscious. Whether the reason for it was due to trauma or medical intervention Danny wasn't sure, but it had concerned him either way. Steve McGarrett was a machine, and this was the first time Danny had witnessed him not able to walk away from a situation under mostly his own power.
Brushing off the lingering residuals of the memory Danny sighed and sat upright in his chair. Reliving that day always unsettled him, even though he knew Steve was fine – that he had recovered fully. Well, maybe not fully. Physically, yes – he was back to one hundred percent, but mentally? Steve had left part of himself behind in Afghanistan, and her name was Catherine Rollins.
Catherine wasn't in Hawaii with the rest of her 'ohana - she was thousands of miles away and nobody knew when she was coming home. Officially, she was on leave of absence from Five-0 and the team was functioning fine without her, for the most part.
The team leader, however, was not functioning fine. He was struggling and Danny figured lack of sleep played a big part in that. Danny knew the man slept - at least a few hours every night, but there were definitely some nights that were worse than others. He wasn't sure what was keeping his partner from restful sleep, or why it didn't seem to affect him every night but he had figured out the nights Steve got some real sleep - those were the times when he could come in the next morning behaving just like his usual self.
On the other hand there were the days when the first one of them would arrive in the morning to find that Steve had already been there for a couple of hours. When they could tell he wanted to dive headfirst into the fray, but would grudgingly agree to wait for backup only because he didn't want anyone else on his team getting hurt. When he would handle more roughly and question less patiently whoever their suspect-of-the-day was and when, at the end of the day, he would send them all home but himself stay in the office doing who knows what.
They had determined more than once he had spent that time after hours disassembling and cleaning each and every weapon in their armory because one time Chin had noticed the faint smudge of gun oil on the outside of the weapons cache and another time Kono had seen the rags and a discarded barrel brush in the trash. They suspected he spent time doing research, trying from afar to help Catherine with her mission to find the Afghani boy, maybe trying to keep his ear to the ground, always hoping never to hear what he feared the most; that his girlfriend had been captured or killed.
It seemed to the blonde that the days when his partner hadn't really slept definitely outnumbered the ones when he had. He didn't know if the problem was that Steve had too much on his mind to actually fall asleep, or if he just wasn't sleeping well or long enough because nightmares were invading his rest.
Danny had known for years his partner had nightmares every so often, because he'd heard evidence of them occasionally on the nights he'd slept on the couch. He thought back to one night in particular, early in their friendship.
Sounds from the bedroom upstairs had woken him from his place on the sofa so he made his way upstairs and watched the man in the bed mumble and cry out in his sleep while thrashing around. He figured it might not be a good idea to get too close so he remained in the safety of the doorway and called his partner's name until he awoke with a jerk. Steve was disorientated for a moment before noticing the blonde in the doorway and turning his head to address him.
"Danny? What're you doing?"
"Nothing, babe. I thought I heard something. Sorry, go back to sleep."
Steve cocked his head, sensing something seemed off with his partner. "You okay, man?"
Danny waved him off. "Yeah, yeah. It's nothing. I'm gonna, uh, I'm gonna go back to the couch."
"Okay. See you in the morning."
As Danny thought back on that night from years before he realized he still didn't know for sure whether Steve hadn't remembered he'd been having a nightmare or was putting on a good act for his friend's benefit, but it didn't really matter. He'd decided it wasn't his business and was never going to ask. He could only imagine what his friend had done and seen throughout his impressive career that would haunt his dreams.
His thoughts returned to memories of the afternoon following that night, as they'd sat in Steve's office before heading home.
"So, should I expect to wake up with an audience every time you sleep on the couch?" Steve asked.
"I don't know, Steven, would you like one? I might be able to arrange something."
Steve caressed his chin with his thumb and index finger as he appeared to ponder something. "I'll have to get a cot, though. 'Cause you're sure as hell not sleeping in my bed with me."
Danny raised both hands – palms out. "Hah! There's not enough money in the world, my friend. I'm just fine on the couch, thank you very much."
"Fair enough," Steve said. He shook his head and chuckled. "I can live with that."
Danny gestured to his partner. "Maybe you can live with that," he said as he pointed to himself, "but what about me? The sound of the damn ocean keeps me up all night."
Steve laughed again. "You live on an island, man." He shook his head. "Try getting used to it."
Danny rose from his chair. "The extent of your empathy is overwhelming me," he said, with a smile on his face, "so I'm going home."
Steve nodded once in friend's direction "See you tomorrow." Danny was almost to the door when Steve spoke again, "Hey, Danny?"
The blonde turned and noticed the expression on his friend's face had become more serious. "Yeah?"
"Let's just say… in certain situations I may wake up swinging and a trip to the ER in the middle of the night would be a real pain in the ass, you know?"
Steve's tone was fairly light and he had a half smile on his face, but Danny had a feeling there was a real warning in Steve's words and was happy to oblige. But he couldn't resist a snarky comment.
"Is that a nice side effect of all that Army Ninja training?"
"It's the Navy, Danny."
Danny's face split into a grin. "Huh. You'd think I wouldn't have such a hard time remembering that."
As the detective turned again to go his partner's softly spoken words stopped him.
"Hey Danny?" Danny turned back once more to gaze at the SEAL and he said, "Thanks, man."
"You're uh, you're welcome," he responded, before turning and continuing out the door.
Yes, Danny Williams knew his partner suffered from nightmares and he was fairly sure he would never, ever want to know the number of times Steve had awoken troubled by the aftermath of one. He suspected they were worse after some sort of traumatic event triggered them and wondered how many new ones had been added to the repertoire after Steve's most recent acquaintance with the Taliban. But he also knew his friend had always seemed to be able to handle them. The reality was there was probably only one person who knew the truth about Steve McGarrett's nightmares, and Catherine Rollins wasn't around to be asked.
Danny had promised her, though, that he'd take care of her boyfriend, and he'd damn well been trying to keep his word. He could picture it in his mind; at some point upon her return he figured she'd turn to him and say, "Report, detective." He hoped to be able to deliver a mostly-positive summary although he figured he might need to work through some his anger before doing so.
The truth was, while part of him still blamed Catherine for what happened to Steve in Afghanistan, he also resented her for choosing to stay behind because he hated to see what it was doing to his friend. If he was being honest, though, part of him missed the woman, too, because he and Catherine were friends. He genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and appreciated her contributions to their team. Of course, there was the added bonus that she was particularly good at SEAL-wrangling. Mostly, though, the biggest reason he missed Catherine Rollins was because he hoped to someday again see that smile on his partner's face - the one the man reserved only for the woman he loved.
Steve had pretty much always had nightmares. When he was a child they were mostly about his mother dying. After he completed BUDs and was deployed those nightmares from his childhood morphed into scenes from battles, reliving the deaths of teammates or innocent civilians, being surrounded by turmoil and destruction… There was no limit to the types of nightmares he had experienced, but even he was surprised by the intensity of the bad dreams he had after leaving Catherine in Afghanistan.
Even on the nights when they'd recently spoken on the phone or chatted via text message and he knew she was safe he'd still have nightmares involving her. Sometimes one of his active-duty friends who was doing him a favor and keeping an ear open would call to tell him that they had some distressing information, or he'd see a news headline about an American woman captured and held by the Taliban. Or he'd dream that he was back there in Afghanistan, the last time he'd seen Catherine in person during a firefight. That nightmare was the worst one because of the way his dream-addled mind warped the memories.
He was pretending to herd goats, providing a reason to keep three Taliban vehicles stopped so Catherine could rescue the kidnapped children they hoped were still inside. He knew their ruse had gone south when suddenly he heard gunfire from Catherine's position and men began shouting and started exiting the vehicles.
He grabbed a man to use him as a human shield so he could take a moment to assess the situation. He chose an enemy target and fired several rounds into the tango's chest before snapping the neck of his hostage and tossing the body aside. He heard Catherine's voice calling to the boys so he knew she was not in distress at the moment. His job was to provide her cover so she could get clear with those children.
Catherine called to him and he told her to concentrate on the kids. He focused on providing cover for her so she could focus on the children they were trying to save. He saw a couple of boys run into the adjacent field and then she emerged from behind the truck, weapon down and poised to follow them. His heart stopped as he saw one of the Taliban soldiers that had been down rise to his feet with his weapon poised to fire – the man had Catherine dead to rights.
On instinct, he sighted his target and pulled the trigger, then pulled it again when nothing happened. The gun had jammed and all he could do was watch helplessly as the enemy fired and Catherine's body jerked with each bullet's impact; once, twice, three times before she fell backward in slow motion.
He couldn't move as he watched her fall. He was paralyzed except for the anguished cry that left his lips, but only for a second until the rage that suddenly filled him propelled him forward. He screamed her name as he lunged for the man who had shot her and broke the bastard's neck in one quick motion. He cared not where the body fell as he reached her side and dropped to his knees beside her, feeling desperately for a pulse at her jugular vein. There! It was weak, but he felt it. She was still alive! And yet he knew she was dying.
He forgot about where they were and the situation they were in. None of it mattered anymore. He grasped her hand and begged her to open her eyes, to stay with him, not to leave him. But her eyes remained closed and he saw her take her last breath and felt the life leave her body.
Then he would wake, always at the same point in the dream, and would invariably be trembling, his heart pounding and on the verge of hyperventilating. It felt so real, every time, that it would take him a few moments to remember that it was just a dream and Catherine had not died on a godforsaken road in Afghanistan.
The very first time he had the nightmare he had been surprised to feel wetness on pillow and realize he had been crying. He had laid there in the dark and scrubbed his hands over his face in an effort to rid his mind of the troubling images. Then, just like every time since, he had forced himself to remember that Catherine had survived that encounter, that his gun had NOT jammed and he had killed the man who was poised to take her life.
He found it helped him to try and relive a happier memory - a moment they'd shared only a few hours prior to that encounter with the Taliban.
Catherine was helping him herd goats in the right direction - turn them into an effective roadblock, and the difficult animals weren't cooperating. They were both frustrated and he looked up to see her watching him with a soft smile on her face. She looked so beautiful in that moment as the white scarf wrapped around her head contrasted her dark hair and eyes and the sun was shining behind her. He wanted so very badly to pull her to him and kiss her like there was no tomorrow, but they were out in the open in a dangerous region and might have been seen.
He couldn't hold back the smile he shot her way, though. Despite the fact they were on a dangerous mission in a war-torn country and about to take on three truckloads of Taliban soldiers to try and rescue a kidnapped boy, he couldn't help but smile. In that moment all the love he was feeling in his heart forced its way out and was shining on his face. Her smile widened in response to his and, although he wouldn't have thought it possible, she looked even more beautiful.
It was a happy memory that calmed and centered him and was the image he needed to carry with him - remembering how beautiful she looked and how happy he had felt in that short moment. He would always recall it when waking from the nightmare of Catherine's death at the hands of the Taliban and it would help. But the relief it brought was short-lived because he invariably awoke from the nightmare alone in his house, wide awake at some ridiculous hour and always wishing she was there to reassure him and help soothe him back to sleep.
He'd had that same nightmare more times that he cared to recall and had eventually come to theorize that part of the reason might be because his last memories of her were of that firefight, and how close she'd come to dying. In the past, when they'd had to part ways to go back to their duties with the Navy, he'd always had a chance to say goodbye. He'd always been sure to do that, just in case, and it had served him well.
But this time, he hadn't had a proper farewell. He hadn't had a chance to hold her, feel her safe in his arms in the aftermath. Even though his brain knew she was alive, he hadn't received the physical closure he needed after her close call. He longed to have her in his arms, feel her warmth and the comfort it always brought, but she was thousands of miles away.
And, once he had her in his arms again, he wasn't sure he ever wanted to let go so he had decided, after about the fourth time he'd had the same nightmare that he wanted her to officially move in with him when she got back. She'd practically been living with him before, but still kept her own place.
It seemed stupid now, that he'd selfishly enjoyed his time alone, the days and nights when she'd been at her house. But, having her so far away made him realize what he'd been missing. What was the saying - 'Absence makes the heart grow fonder'? It sure seemed true in this case. Steve McGarrett was definitely realizing what he'd lost and planned to remedy that at the first possible opportunity. He just needed his lieutenant to come home.
Catherine woke with a start and looked around the cave in which she'd been sleeping. She blinked slowly before raising her hands to her face to wipe the sleep from her eyes. She was unsettled and struggled for a moment to remember why but regretted that as soon as the memory came flooding back. She'd been having the same nightmare again – reliving the last time she had seen Steve, injured and only semi-conscious after a grenade explosion and being loaded into the back of a truck by Taliban soldiers.
She'd had to choose between protecting the young boys they'd just rescued or trying to protect the man she loved. She had known what Steve would want – he was always willing to sacrifice himself for others who couldn't protect themselves - so she had stayed with those children, hiding, while he was hauled into the back of a truck and driven away.
She had known he was going to be tortured, and her heart broke with that knowledge, but she also knew how strong he was and prayed he could hold on long enough to be rescued. Because leaving him there to die was not an option; she had already failed him once and could not fail him again.
She approached the village quietly; checking to be sure the coast was clear before continuing the rest of the way. She had felt terrible leaving the boys with Amir and Farah at their pre-arranged meeting spot with an apology and too little of an explanation, but there wasn't a choice while Steve's life was hanging in the balance. She was frantic with worry and could feel it threatening to overwhelm her but knew she had to keep her wits about her.
Deeming it void of Taliban soldiers, she entered the village as quickly as she could without drawing undue attention and made her way to Amir and Farah's home where she retrieved the packs and the satellite phone from a hidden compartment. She unfolded the antenna on the phone and dialed Danny's number with shaking fingers. She forced herself to slow down after she entered one digit incorrectly and had to take a few precious seconds to correct the error.
As the call connected she quietly repeated, "Please pick up, please pick up" until Danny did so on the third ring.
"Danny!" The connection wasn't great and she hoped he could hear her. She didn't have a lot of options to facilitate a rescue and time was of the essence.
The blonde detective's voice was staticky over the line. "Catherine, is that you? I can barely hear you."
Her heart fell for a moment when she thought the call had dropped. "Danny, are you there?"
"Yeah, what's going on? Where's Steve?" Danny must have picked up on something in her tone, because she could hear the concern in his voice, even over the bad connection.
"They've got him." She knew she didn't have time to mince words with Danny, but something about saying it aloud somehow made it even more real.
"What do you mean? What are you talking about?"
"The Taliban – they've captured him." When Danny didn't respond right away she hoped he was still with her, but the clock was ticking on Steve's life so she just kept going. "Okay, Danny, listen to me. I need you to get ahold of Joe White. Tell him Umar Hassan is alive. Tell him there's a Taliban compound in the Panhshir Valley. I'm pretty sure that's where they're gonna take Steve. You got a pen?"
She was relieved when he answered her immediately, his voice tight, but calm and controlled.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got one right now. Go ahead."
She reminded herself not to speak too quickly. "All right, the coordinates of the compound are three-four, two-eight, niner North, seven-zero, two-two, three-one East."
He repeated the coordinates back to her and she was relieved he had them correct. Then he asked her, "What about you? Are you safe?"
She was distracted by the sight of a white pickup driving into the village as she answered Danny's question, "Yeah, yeah. I'm all right." She didn't need Danny worrying about her because he needed to focus all his attention on getting help for Steve. "Danny, I got to go. You just get ahold of Joe, okay?"
"All right, I'm on it."
She disconnected the call and quickly took off out the back of the house – headed away from the village and into the mountains.
The thirty-six hours she spent hiding from the Taliban were agonizing as she wished with every fiber of her being that she could do more – be part of the rescue – but it just wasn't possible, no matter how much she wanted it. But she knew Danny loved Steve like a brother and would move heaven and earth to save him. If she couldn't be there for Steve herself she absolutely trusted Danny to have his back. But she was still terrified that they wouldn't be able to get to him in time. She was aching to have some knowledge of what was happening, but needed to conserve her phone's battery until she had a reason to make a call.
So she passed the time thinking – it was the only thing she could do. She thought about Billy Harrington - how he had died because she hadn't had his back. She knew she would always carry the emotional scars from that trauma. They had faded some with the passage of time and mostly due to Steve's unconditional love and support. Billy had been her friend and she would always miss him and blame herself, in part, for his death but she'd realized life could and would go on.
But with Steve's life on the line… He had trusted her to have his back and she had failed him just like she had failed Billy. Fear and regret constantly threatened to overwhelm her and the thought that Steve might not survive…
She gave in to her tears twice, holding her blanket over her mouth to muffle the sound of her sobs. For the most part, though, she forced her emotions aside, just as she had been trained. She told herself that Steve would survive. He had to. And he would be better of without her. She no longer trusted herself to have his back. No longer deserved to have him in her life. He would be better off, safer, with Danny and the rest of the team looking out for him. She was a liability that he shouldn't have to carry.
But Najib? She could still help him. She had promised Amir and Farah that she would find him and bring him back. She had to keep that promise, had to do her absolute best to ensure at least one positive outcome for this mission – the ultimate goal hadn't changed. So, she passed the time waiting anxiously and praying the man she loved was still alive and would recover from whatever hell the Taliban had unleashed on him.
When she felt it was safe to do so she returned to the village and finally heard the news she'd been waiting for. Amir was able to confirm the word was the US military had carried out a raid on the compound, Umar Hassan had been confirmed actually dead, and an American hostage had been rescued alive.
She wanted nothing more than to speak to, or better yet, see Steve but her primary goal was to get him back to the relative safety of Oahu and if she'd made contact with him he never would have agreed to leave. So, she had another call to make to ensure he would make it home safely and was able to reach Danny at the base in Jalalabad.* Finally, once she learned Steve would recover fully and would likely be permitted to travel in a few days she was able to fully immerse herself in her mission. So, she set to work doing what she was best at – gathering intel and making a plan.
Catherine shivered under her wool blanket in the relative safety of her cave in the mountains. Reliving those events of four months prior still unnerved her, even though she knew Steve was alive and, she hoped, well on Oahu. They hadn't been able to communicate much – having shared a few phone calls and text conversations over the long months it had been since she had last seen him. She sat up and dug in her pack for a t-shirt of Steve's that he had been left behind. She felt silly, like a little girl with a blanket, but the item brought her comfort. She found it and curled up under her blanket with it, trying to get comfortable.
As time passed and she felt less and less confident that she'd find Najib alive it became harder and harder to be away from Steve. She still believed in her mission one hundred percent and was committed to finding the teenager and bringing him home. But she had wished, on more than one occasion, that Steve were there with her. She knew he would have made the trip back to Afghanistan the moment she asked, but to ask him to return would be selfish. To put him back in harm's way with only her for backup was not an option and she refused to do it. She still believed in her head he was better off without her, even though her heart felt differently. But she had never been weak. She had excelled at her training; both with the Navy and later with Steve (because he wanted to be triply sure she could take care of herself no matter what situation she found herself in).
She was grateful to him for it now as she relied on much of what he had taught her. But she was alone and lonely, and missing his companionship so much. Even when she'd been on active duty and they'd been apart for months at a time they had been surrounded by coworkers, teammates, others who relied on them to do their jobs and do them well – she had never before felt so alone for so long.
She still missed parts of what she'd left behind in the organized structure of Naval Intelligence. In her role as an Intelligence Officer she had always had her duties spelled out for her – had been given a task and known exactly what she needed to do to accomplish it. When she had been assigned to Pearl, though – that was just the icing on the cake. She loved her job, loved the people she worked with, and got to be on the island full time with Steve. They had never spent so much time in one place together and she treasured being able to see him on a daily basis, even if only for a short time because of their busy schedules.
But, the longer she was assigned to Pearl, the greater the chance she could be reassigned elsewhere, and the possibility of that had been a constant worry in the back of her mind. She had been considering a change, but the potential of it seemed so overwhelming. So when her old friend Billy Harrington presented her with an opportunity she was ready to make the decision to leave active duty. It seemed like the perfect fit – a civilian job that was tailor-made for her and would allow her to permanently stay where Steve seemed to have made his forever home.
But barely a month in Billy had died and she had been at loose ends and didn't know what to do with her life. She knew there were other firms that would hire her in a minute. But she also knew some of them would try to exploit what they would likely see as a direct link to the head of Five-0 and she didn't want to be in that position, for her or for Steve.
But he had been there for her again when he told her he didn't want her blaming and second-guessing herself for Billy's death because there was nothing she could have done differently. That she didn't have to forget about their friend or what happened she just needed to forgive herself a bit so she could move on. That she needed to find something that she wanted to do because putting her life on hold wasn't going to bring Billy back – and Steve had been right.
She had realized she could use her skills to help Chin-Ho Kelly find Adam Noshimuri, the man his cousin Kono Kalakaua loved and who had sacrificed himself to the Yakuza to keep her safe. She had single-handedly done the research and the legwork and then helped the team locate, grab and interrogate the mob boss who had the answers. They had learned that Adam had faked his death in hopes that Kono would stop looking for him and go on with her life. But Kono wasn't willing to give up on the man she loved and eventually tracked him down and brought him home where, as far as Catherine knew, they were still living happily.
Having a purpose, a direction, had brought her out of her funk after Billy's death and she was able to move on, taking a position at Five-0 and working every day side by side with Steve. But as the months had gone on she had felt like something had changed between them – like he'd become more distant. Or maybe Steve had been the same and she had changed – started wanting something more. But she had been happy, had enjoyed her job, loved her co-workers and had felt like she was helping to make a difference.
That all seemed so long ago now. After what happened with Steve on that dirt road, she was no longer confident she would still be an asset to Five-0. She didn't trust herself anymore in the field – at least not when other people's lives were on the line and it wouldn't be fair to ask Steve to give up something he had obviously been born to do. No, Five-0 was his family and he would always have them, even if she couldn't be a part of it anymore.
She hoped maybe, someday she'd be able to forgive herself and move on, like she had after Billy's death. It was all speculation until after she found Najib, though, because she had meant what she'd told Steve: That she couldn't even consider going back to Hawaii until she completed her mission. It wasn't lost on her, though, that she was having a hard time currently thinking of Hawaii as 'home' and she wondered what that meant. Would she ever make her home with Steve again?
*This refers to my story "Fair Winds and Following Seas" which was a coda to episode 4.21.