Kissing Gets You Pregnant

(I do not own Torchwood Doctor Who or any of the BBC's Russel T. Daivies ideas. This is a work of pure entertainment please do not sue my work isn't worth the trouble.)

Ianto was making coffee when Gwen walked into the room. She looked at Ianto for a moment and shrugged.

"I'd be careful shagging around with Jack if I were you," Said Gwen looking at Ianto. "He Said He was pregnant once then he went on about contraceptives in the rain."

Ianto gave her a strange look.

"Thank you Gwen," Said Ianto curtly. "But I think Jack would warn me if any thing like that could happen."

Swiftly Ianto glided past her with a tray of coffee and headed for Jack's office. When he entered the undying man's office he quickly set down the tray of coffee and unlocked the door.

Jack looked up at the young Welshman with a mixed look of delight and surprise.

"Well Ianto if I'd known you want a little me with your coffee all you had to do was ask." He said getting out of his chair and moving toward Ianto.

Quickly Ianto put his hands defensively in front of him.

"Is it true?" Asked Ianto panicked. "Well is it?!"

Jack looked at the young Welshman with confusion.

"Yan, calm down and tell me what in the hell you're talking about." Said Jack soothingly.

"Gwen said that you said that you were pregnant once!" Said Ianto flustered.

Jack smiled then laughed. Then Ianto began to calm down.

"Very funny Gwen," Laughed Ianto with relief. "You got me, ha ha very funny."

Jack stopped laughing and smiled at Ianto.

"It's true." Replied the American.

Ianto grabbed the side of the desk to keep from falling.

"Really," He said trying to wrap his mind around the concept of what his lover had just said. "You, no, WAIT!!! That means that we need to use more protection, and..."

"Whoa there Yan," Said Jack trying not to laugh. "I don't mean to insult your physiology, you have an amazing physiology by the way, but I couldn't breed with you even if I wanted to, you have too many genetic impurities."

"Then who did you shag," Asked Ianto before something dawned on him. "John Hart!!!"

Jack looked at the floor and smiled.

"Nope," Said Jack. "Not even close."

"Then who?" Pleaded Ianto.

"No one," Replied Jack. "I didn't get pregnant from shagging."

"Then how?" Asked Ianto confusedly.

"Kissing." Said Jack.

"That's not funny." Said the young Welshman in a threatening tone.

"When I was on Game Station I kissed the Doctor because I thought I was going to die," Said Jack. "Well I was in a reproductive cycle and I kissed the Doctor, well apparently when a Time Lord has an adrenaline rush he lets off excessive energy, in his case that was sexual energy, well when we kissed it was transferred into me and it found the nearest womb."

"Yours" Replied Ianto.

Jack nodded and continued the story.

"Well we all know what happens," He said waving the rest off. "I die blah blah blah, Rose brings me back, blah blah blah, well two months later I found out I was pregnant, seven months after that she was born, you know it confused me for a while, but I had always wondered why she had brown eyes, then when I met the new Doctor I found out."

"But you died," Said Ianto crinkling his nose. "Wouldn't that have killed her too?"

"Yes and no," Said Jack. "When I died the Time Lord energy continued to survive, but when I came back she had too, and like the new Doctor's form she had brown eyes, cheeky smile, brown hair, and an amazing sense of time and space, then she had some of my attributes, flirtatious, smooth talker, pheromones, like my mother she was short, she was pure muscle but femanine, small waist, wide hips, very large breasts, like me the model of perfection, but most of all she had my wild streak."

"What happened to her?" Asked Ianto.

"I don't know," Said Jack. "When she turned eighteen she left and never came back."

"I'm sorry." Said Ianto.

"Don't be," Said Jack. "The pain of losing her would have been too much, at least this way she was free to be happy."

Ianto hugged Jack. Suddenly the alarm sounded.

They rushed to the monitoring room. Jack's jaw dropped in amazement.

There she stood in all of her glory. Black leather pants, black patent leather combat boots, white t-shirt, black skin-tight vest, a gun stapped to each thigh, a gun holster resting on each hip, and an ammunition belt making an X across her very large chest.

Smiling cheekily she looked up at the camera and shot it.

"She's back!" Said Jack out loud.