Disclaimer: As shocking as it is I do not own Star Trek. Or Kirk, or Spock, or even Bones. As much as it pains me to say.

The Beginning:

Two men found themselves with their wrists tied with a particularly uncomfortable brand of rope. As they were hanging one of the two men, Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise, tried to go over in his mind the events that led to this strange bleak situation to which they now found themselves in.

The natives of this new and apparently extremely hostile planet were preoccupied with fulfilling a particularly tricky ritual that involved lots of dancing, fire, and for some disturbing reason nudity.

"Captain, I believe the ritual to which we are now witnessing is most likely a sacrificial one."

"I got that Spock."

"Captain, the probability that you would be able to 'talk us out of' this situation is…"The captain interrupted with a particularly nasty, "Shut up Spock."

"Happy five year anniversary Spock!"

"Thank you t'hy'la. And a very emotionally gratifying anniversary to you as well."

Spock and Jim were situated together on their bed in their joint captain/first officer married bondmates room. They were laying splayed across each other after some enthusiastic love making.

"You know, you're really the only thing that matters to me. Like ever." Spock suddenly clutched his bondmate closer.

"And you as well t'hy'la. I too cannot imagine my life without you."

"Okay Spock, throw the snowball!" Shouted one very excited captain to his bondmate. He was waiting for Spock to partake in the highly illogical Terrain ritual of 'snowball fighting.'

"Jim this is highly illogical." Said Spock, voicing his opinion aloud. He was eyeing the snowball in his hand with apparent displeasure.

"You know what else is illogical? NOT THROWING THE SNOWBALL!"

"Jim, I find that spending an entire afternoon taking part in this 'game', would be a complete waste of our valuable time."

"Spock, you'll like it I promise."

"That is unlikely Jim."

"Just throw it."

"Captain could we not spend our time just as easily doing something much more productive, and possibly in a much warmer climate?"

"Just. Throw. The. Ball."

"But Jim…"

"THROW IT!"

"Spock, you know how much I love you right?"

"Yes t'hy'la, as I you." They were sitting in the science lab, Spock in the chair, Kirk on his lap.

"We should do this more often." Whispered Jim.

"Yes t'hy'la,' replied Spock while planting soft kisses on Kirk's neck, 'any time spent with you I cherish."

"I do not drink THAT much Cap'm"

"Yeah, you kinda do Scotty. But don't worry. It's what I love about you."

Three men were on the main engineering deck, supposedly discussing the next destination for shore leave. Kirk had no idea how the conversation had morphed itself into their current point of discussion…

"Indeed Captain. Chief Engineer Scott's ingestion of alcohol is only ever surpassed by his intake of food."

"Oy! This comin' from you? I still get complaints that we can' keep 'Ershey bars in thee replicators jus' in case somein' spikes yer food an' knocks you on yer arse!"

"Whoa, burn…" breathed the captain.

"Captain, I believe the term is 'whose side would you be on?"

"Men, please. There's plenty of me to go around."

"Spock, what are you doing exactly?" Asked a burly eyed Kirk after waking up to the sound of clinking china. Spock glanced up, all innocence and incomprehension.

"Oh good morning Jim, I have finished my meditation, and was just in the process of making us tea." He smirked.

"Yeah right, I know you. Which means I also know your sadistic love of making us mere humans whom actually slumber miserable." To punctuate his point he threw a pillow at his bondmate and missed with a muffled "Damn it."

"Jim, t'hy'la, if you are referring to my dislike of the fact that you waste the day by merely basking in your own gases and smells, then yes. I believe that 11'clock in the morning is far too late a time to be beginning one's day."

All that answered him were Jim's snores.

The Fall:

It was an early morning. Like any morning. Except the opposite side of the bed was unusually cold. There were no strong warm Vulcan arms around his waist. No matter. Spock sometimes woke up early to meditate on the balcony. So Jim took his time. He took his time to fully wake up, he took his time to just lay in their bed, their space, and just relax. He took his time looking out their window at the glorious view of the San Francisco sunrise. He took some time to let his mind wander to his bondmate, and the life they had built together.

Jim took his time in the shower while singing some old classics that always made Spock do that adorable eyebrow raise-thing. He took is time getting dressed, making sure to pick out the outfits that Spock thought looked best on him. He walked into their sitting room thinking he would be able to see Spock through the sliding glass door that led to the balcony. But Spock wasn't out there.

''Spock!" Jim called. But there was no answer.

"Spock?" Jim asked as he walked into their kitchen. He looked around but Spock wasn't there. He was about to go check outside when something caught his eye. It was a piece of paper. A note from Spock. Jim sighed. At least now he would know where Spock was. He picked it up and began to read.

"Jim- I am sorry."

Jim read it over and over again. Sorry for what? Jim was beginning to become seriously confused, and a little panicked. He picked up his communicator and tried to contact Spock.

"Spock? Jim to Spock?"

There was nothing but static, which indicated that not only was Spock's unit off, it was also disconnected.

"What the hell?" Jim slammed it down before rushing to the computer in the sitting room.

"Computer locate Commander Spock."

"Request acknowledged: Commander Spock's location has been officially cloaked from the database."

"BY WHOM!"

"Commander Spock. There is one saved message from the Commander to the Captain."

"Well let's hear it then!"

"Reading message: Jim, please do not try to locate me. Do not try to find me. The Kolinar must be completed."

"What!?" Jim knew about the long time tradition of the Vulcans. He thought all that would stop after the planet was destroyed. Apparently not. A part of Jim tried to convince himself that Spock had not gone. He was just beyond the glass. Jim gasped and kept backing up. Maybe the more distance he put between the message and himself would somehow make it less valid.

Tears were leaking like blood from an open wound. It turned out Jim could have taken all the time he needed that morning. For time was all he had left.

"Now the time has come to leave you, one more time, let me kiss you. Then close your eyes, I'll be on my way."

"Jim…Jim…hello? Earth to Jim!"

"Bones?"

"Hey. You okay? You're scaring me kid."

"Bones."

"Yeah Jim. I'm here." Bones said as he knelt down in front of his catatonic friend.

"Bones."

"What Jim? What's wrong?" Dr. McCoy whispered back as he clasped his friends in concern.

"He's…" Whispered Jim.

"Who? What's going on Jim?"

"Spock."

"What's wrong with Spock, Jim? What's going on?"

"…He's… gone." Jim whispered brokenly. Dr. McCoy had to lean in to hear him.

"Gone where Jim?"

"…I don't know."

"You're not making any sense kid." Bones patted his hands.

"There." Jim said, pointing at something on the counter.

"I'll be right back kid." Bones whispered squeezing Jim's hands in reassurance. He made his way over to the counter and read the short note

"God damn it! God damn son of a bitch!" Said McCoy vehemently, crumpling the paper in his rage. He took a deep breath to calm himself. This wasn't helping Jim. Jim was his biggest concern now.

"I'm sorry kid. So damn sorry Jim." Bones whispered, the tears in his voice quite evident. He walked over to Jim and drew the heartbroken man into his arms. All the while cursing Spock's name. He swore he would never hurt Jim. He promised McCoy that Jim was his first priority. That he would rather die than cause harm to his bondmate. Now look. Look at this mess. As McCoy tried to keep his tears at bay he made a promise to himself. The very next time he saw that pointy-eared bastard he would make damn sure he didn't walk away on two legs. He would pay dearly for what he did to his best friend, but most of all McCoy was going to make sure Spock paid for the pain that was yet to come.

"On a float on ship less oceans, I did all my best to smile. Till' your singing eyes and fingers, drew me loving, to your isle. And you sang, sail to me, sail to me let me enfold you. Here I am, here I am. Waiting to hold you."

"Why can't I see him!?"

"Captain Kirk, I would ask you to lower your voice. This is a sacred place in which our people expect silence."

Kirk was absolutely fuming. He stood at the entrance to the temple of Gol demanding to see his husband. The most frustrating part was being blocked at every turn. From Spock himself to his father-in-law to the Vulcan high council. He tried every avenue he could think of to get in touch with his husband and was stone walled at every one. He was hysteric, and losing control. Why wouldn't Spock talk to him!? Jim was beginning to believe that this was not just a phase.

Spock wasn't going to come home in the middle of the night and say he was sorry. He tried to push beside the Vulcan woman.

"I NEED to speak with my husband!"

"Captain. You may not enter this temple. Commander Spock does not wish to see you." Said the stoic Vulcan with what may have been a fleeting look of sympathy on her face.

Jim stopped breathing for a moment. Your husband does not wish to see you. The statement that had been haunting him for the past two weeks. The truth was beginning to sink in. Spock didn't want to see him. He didn't want to talk with him, reason with him, apologize to him, or come back to him. All Spock was interested in was interested in was destroying their bond. He wasn't interested in Jim anymore. And as Jim slid down the side of the sacred temple of Gol, defeated, all this ran through his mind.

Jim didn't believe in no win scenarios. He couldn't, but this was beginning to look like it. It was beating down every minute of every day. Spock didn't want him anymore. No screaming match or personal manhunt was going to change that. It was the final realization that brought Jim to his knees. The final nail in his coffin. The truth was that Jim was alone.

"Lord I'm one, lord I'm two, lord I'm three, lord I'm four, lord I'm five hundred miles from my home. Five hundred miles, five hundred miles, five hundred miles, five hundred miles, lord I'm five hundred miles from my home. Not a shirt on my back, not a penny to my name. Lord I can't go a-home this a-way. This a-way, this a-way, this a-way, this a-way. Lord I can't go a-home this a-way."

Months pass as they usually do. Yet in these months that passed the universe seemed to turn on Jim. Six months after he had given up on finding Spock, Jim found himself alone…again. Scotty and Uhura had finally gotten married. It was a small ceremony held in front of the justice of the peace. They said it was because they didn't want so much fuss. They didn't want the big white wedding thing, but Jim knew the truth. They didn't want him to have to remember his own wedding. His bonding ceremony.

How unbelievably happy he was. How he thought his life was perfect. They didn't want their happiness flaunted in his face. On some level he was grateful to them, on another he felt extremely guilty that they had to consider his emotional health on their wedding day. He felt like he didn't deserve to be there. Not among the joyful and the happy.

Two months ago Bones moved back to Georgia. To live with his daughter whom he always felt he was neglecting. He asked Jim before he made the decision if he was okay with it. He felt like he was abandoning his friend. Jim knew how much Dr. McCoy missed his daughter and his family. He could never begrudge him this. Everyone had to move on. As much as Jim wanted it no one could stand still with him any longer. They had all been focusing on him enough. They had made him the center of their lives for too long. As much as he hated it Jim still felt like McCoy had left him. Maybe it was because he was still too sensitive to the subject.

Yet everyone was moving on. They were leaving and never looking back. Which Jim knew deep in his gut Bones was going to do. With a heavy heart he said his goodbyes to his friend in front Bone's now empty home. No matter how much he knew he was going to miss his friend he didn't want to be selfish. This is what Bones wanted, and that was all that mattered. His best friend's happiness was all that mattered. So he let him go. He told Bones that he would be fine. He smiled and hugged his best friend.

As he watched his friend get into his car, he knew he had just lost yet another person in his life. It wouldn't be so bad if he could just turn around and find someone else there to put their arm around him and bring him back inside.

"For these arms are growing tired, and my tales are wearing thin. If you're patient I will surprise, when you wake up I'll have come. All the anger will settle down, and we'll go do all the things we should have done. Yes' I remember what we said as we lay down to bed, I'll be here if you will only come back home."

Three months later…

It felt like his head was splitting in two. All the migraine medicine in the world couldn't help, along with the multiple doctors' visits. That was over two months ago, now he couldn't even move. Plus he was starting to have some pretty vivid hallucinations of memories that he had tried to push into the furthest depths of his mind. They were starting to resurface with startling clarity. His life with Spock. Happy moments that had once been the center of his world, all he had ever thought about, were now his own personal hell.

The lines of reality and fantasy were beginning to blur. The worst moments were the hallucinations about Spock's departure. He was still stuck in the kitchen alone and unaware that his world was about to collapse around his ankles. He couldn't wake up, and it was scaring him. The headaches first started when Spock asked for their bond to be severed via mail.

He granted his request, because if Spock really didn't want him that much, than it was already over. He received the request right before he ran over to New Vulcan to the temple of Gol, for all the good that did. Now he was curled up in bed stuck remembering that everything he had ever loved had been forcibly ripped away from him. The Enterprise, Spock, all his friends. The loneliness was all encompassing and engulfing. He felt like he was drowning in it, along with the knowledge that he was dying from the pain. What was worse was the realization that no one was going to save him.

"I twisted you over and under to take you, the coals went so wild as they swallowed the rest. I twisted you under and under to break you, I just couldn't breathe with your throne on my chest. All night, all I hear, all I hear, is your heart. How come? How come?"

The End:

One week later…

Jim's mind was completely gone. He could no longer move or function. The hallucinations had completely taken over, in fact his mind had completely taken over. Unbeknownst to Jim, he had been slowly dying for months now. Ever since the headaches had started. For when Spock had severed the bond he had also severed Jim's threads to sanity. Their bod was t'hy'la, and being human, Jim could never survive the severing of it. He never had a chance. Soon he became so lost in his own subconscious his body would cease to function.

Jim had no idea what was going on around him. He was lost in his own mind, which was literally crumbling around him. Memories morphing together to become an indistinguishable blob of hurt and horror. The pain was indescribable, made worse by the fact that sometimes he actually got used to it, or too numb to care.

It was humiliating. Humiliating when he starts to drool all over himself while his brain was rotting. Humiliating to realize that his husband, bondmate, left him for no reason at all. Humiliating to have all his friends hover over him and give him the same sad look, the look that said 'I'm so sorry you're you.' Humiliating to spend almost an entire year pining over a man who was never coming back. Humiliating to realize that even now, while he was drifting into the land of insanity, all he wanted he wanted was the very man who had killed him. Because on some level of his wilting subconscious he knew that he was already dead.

He was throwing up, having spasms, and bleeding from his ears, but he didn't notice any of it. His brain couldn't even compute it. It was too busy turning into mush. Taking his entire life with it. His worthless, empty life. In his mind everything would be alright again if Spock would just come back, but that wasn't going to happen, and that in itself was the most humiliating and devastating.

Life really was a cruel joke. Maybe the universe itself was just one giant cosmic laugh. Forever weaving tales of woe and destiny only to remind every living being that there is no point to any of life for all that awaits those who love is a fate worse than death. As in Jim's case. He loved with all he had, and had gained a most humiliating death. Wondering at what moment he would feel his brain seep out his ears.

For a life that was lived for others it was all a waste. He needed them. No one was there to hold his hand, to tell him everything was going to be alright. But no one was there. Yet none of this entered his mind because there was no mind to enter. No mind to wax poetic, to ponder his terrible woe. He was alone, and would die that way. And when his body would be discovered three days later it would be of no consequence. The last thoughts Jim Kirk would ever have were of Spock, how sorry he was, and how he could not remember why.

"Birds may be singing in my eyes this day, sweet flowers blossom when I smile. But my soul is stormy, and heart blows wild. My sweetheart rides a ship on the sea. Oh my soul is stormy and my heart blows wild. Where might my lonesome lover be…?"

Authors Note: This is a story that has been developing in my mind for months now. There will be no sequel, it ended the exact way I wanted it to. Also the short song quotes were very important in the writing of this story, and I hope that you read them. Please feel free to review.