I own nothing in this story except my Shepard's personality. =)
Going to fetch my dinner that night was nearly unbearable. I didn't want to face anyone for at least a couple of hours. What I discovered in the Shadow Broker's dossier database was making it hard to see; hard to breathe.
It's true, I had discovered much about my crew; more than I had any right to know. Part of me knew it was wrong, looking through their personal files and history. Much of what I found was entertaining, useful, and disturbing, but none of what I found had touched me quite like this. It shook me to the very core.
It was my fear of running into the shadow-eyed Drell that kept my eyes glued to the floor as I approached Sgt. Gardner for my meal. I had barely had time to change into my brown civvies and put my long hair up into a pony tail before EDI informed me that I had only 5 minutes left before Gardner would throw out the rest of the ham and cheese sandwiches. I quickened my pace at the thought; right past the table, where I could see the curious stares of a few of my squad mates out of the corner of my eye.
"Going to join us, Shepard?" Kasumi asked with what I could hear as a smile. Everyone was in a good mood since we blew up the collector ship and high tailed away from the Illusive Man. I was too, until today.
"Not tonight. I'm eating in my cabin." I said quickly, not looking away from the plate Gardner was handing me.
"Your loss." Garrus said smugly. I made no reply as I passed them and made my way to the elevator. Unfortunately, an obstacle appeared silently in my path. The smell of leather; hell, just the essence of him alerted me to who it was.
"Siha." I could hear his smile as well. I did not look up; I simply stepped to move around him. He gently grabbed the arm not holding the sandwich, pulling me into a halt. "Are you alright?" There was no mistaking the genuine concern in his voice. I sighed deeply before looking into his deep, endless eyes.
"Everything's fine. I was just on my way upstairs." I sighed inwardly as he let go of my arm. I just wanted to get away from him. I wanted to be alone. I watched as the corner of his mouth tugged upward.
"Would you like some company?"
"Not tonight, Thane." I didn't mean to make it sound as cold as it did. I regretted saying it immediately. His eyes widened. There was a moment of silence before he moved out of my way and nodded respectfully. I reached a hand out toward him. "Thane..."
"It is alright, Siha." He murmured, grabbing my hand in both of his. "Go and rest. I will be here if you need me." Again, he was being genuine, but I could hear the dejection in his perfect, velvety voice. I nodded slowly and sadly before moving past him and into the elevator.
I thought I was hungry, but I couldn't eat. Not after what I read earlier. Somehow, I ended up in the bathroom, drenching my face with cold water and staring at myself in the mirror. Thane's tragically romantic words echoed in my head as if I could hear him speaking.
I love you. If all else whispers back into the tide, know this for fact.
I pulled my hair out of its restraint and shook it out. The layers fell heavily halfway down my back. I continued to stare at myself. What had I gotten myself into? At first it seemed fine to care for him, if only as a comfort to both of us during these dire times. Kaidan had broken me utterly and completely, and I truly, deeply believed I was done with love.
I didn't know how, but somehow at some point during the past several months, I let myself fall- too far- madly in love with this man. An alien. What would Kaidan say if he knew?
I shook my head quickly. I don't give a damn what Kaidan Alenko thinks. He doesn't even compare anymore. No one ever will. I watched blankly as a tear manifested itself in my eye. Somehow I let this happen; somehow, I let my feelings for Thane blossom into something far more then I had ever felt for anyone. And soon I would lose him forever. I watched the tear glisten before sliding down the side of my face. Why was it always imminent that I was to lose the only thing I wished to keep? Just this once I wanted to save what I found.
I will await you across the sea.
I heard a strangled gurgling noise which I realized, after a moment, was me. I watched in awe as more tears glided along my cheeks. I couldn't remember the last time I cried. It had to have been... Akuze? No, Virmire. Ashley. Had it really been that long? The hissing of a door interrupted my thoughts. I glanced toward the bathroom door.
"EDI, I said no visitors."
"Forgive me, Shepard. You ordered me to leave an exception for Mr. Krios approximately two and a half weeks ago. Would you like me to revoke the exception?" I sighed, wiping my eyes quickly.
"No. Never mind." I snapped. I would tell him to get out myself. I shook my hair out again before angrily marching out into my office area. My mouth was opened and my fists clenched, ready to ask him to leave me the hell alone. I froze.
His back was to me; watching my fish, I'd imagine. His legs were spread apart slightly, and his hands clasped behind his back. My mouth closed slowly. He was beautiful. He turned his head to the side, as if acknowledging my presence. I didn't know what to say. I had no reason to be angry with him. I knew that already having a goodbye letter written for me was no reason to push him away. When he was met with silence, he turned around slowly and looked at me intently. I stared him down. We waited to see who would be the first to break. After several moments, his eyes softened.
"Siha..." I looked away quickly, not trusting my eyes to stay dry anymore. In two easy strides, he was in front of me, grasping my hands in his. His cool breath on my face made me look up at him. He was close; so close. I glanced at his lips longingly before remembering what was going on. "Tell me what's bothering you." I gazed up at him sadly, not trusting my voice.
I had never felt so weak.
One of his hands released mine and stroked my cheek once before running his fingers through my hair. "Tell me." I opened my mouth, trying to find words. I stuttered. "I know I said I would wait downstairs, but I had to be sure you are well." I looked up at him, first angrily, but when meeting his eyes it quickly melted into sadness.
"Why did you do this to me?" I asked, my voice breaking. His "brows" furrowed as he looked at me with a determination to understand.
"Whatever I have done, Siha, it was not intentional. What is it?" He looked too worried. I felt broken. I would not cry in front of him. I averted my gaze to my fish as I spoke.
"Why did you make me fall in love with you?" A noise emerged from his throat. He gaped at me, speechless. I huffed. "I'm sorry." I said quickly, wiping at my face in case of tears. I pulled away from him and made my way over to my office chair and sat with my head in my hands. I heard him shift uncomfortably.
"It... was not intentional." He finally said. I breathed in deeply, not knowing how to respond. "Shepard." I looked up at him. "Would you like me to go?" I could feel my mouth falling open in shock. "I have served you in your mission, and... since it's over, if you wish me to-"
"No." I snapped, popping up from my chair and getting in his face. "I don't want you to go, Thane." My voice was breaking up again. "I don't want you to go..." I repeated quieter this time, letting my head drop in shame. A small gasp emerged from him as he finally understood. I felt his hands grip my shoulders firmly.
"Siha..." I couldn't look at him. Tears were falling freely now. "Look at me, Shepard." His voice was raspy and firm. I obeyed my lover's command, letting him witness my shame covered face. Everything about the look on his face expressed his pain. "Do not cry for me." He hesitated. "Or for us." He put a hand on the side of my face. "I still have time." I froze. In a sudden moment, Liara's words came rushing back to me. She had spoken to me just before we went through the Omega 4 Relay.
"It's not about how much time you have. It's about what you do with it."
I stared at him in awe. My Thane was beautiful. And alive. We were alive. He would be gone soon, and I needed him for every minute he had left. And I was going to make the most of it.
"I love you." I whispered, surprising both of us. Thane's eyes widened significantly, and then his face softened. I watched patiently as his mouth curved into a smug, sexy grin. I put my hands on either side of his face and brought my lips crashing into his.
He stumbled backwards at the force, but when he caught his footing, his arms wound around my waist, pulling me closer. We tasted each other slowly; passionately for several moments, our tongues dancing together to a soundless tune. When I began undoing the clasps on his leather jacket, his hands caught my wrists and he pulled away.
"What is it?" I asked breathlessly, wanting his mouth back on mine and his hands on my body.
"Like I said, we have time." He told me, smiling knowingly. "You're upset right now."
"It doesn't matter how I'm feeling, Thane. I want you." I purred, looking up at him from under my eyelashes. I heard his breath catch in his throat before giving me that crooked smile again.
"You have all of me, Siha." He said it smugly, but I could hear the sincere affection behind his voice.
"That's not what I mean and you know it." I ran my hand down his chest. I saw him swallow discreetly.
"Just a few minutes ago you wanted nothing more than to be left alone." He said matter-of-factually.
"I came to a realization since then." I countered, completely unfocused on what I was saying. My mind was in a haze as I searched his deep eyes and scanned over is perfect lips.
"Ah. And what realization was this?" He asked, obviously entertained. It took me a moment to comprehend what he was saying. I looked at him, feeling the cold wave of realization wash over me again. I felt my face fall, but I placed a hand on the back of his neck, caressing it tenderly.
"That while we have time, we don't know how much." I leaned my forehead against his and closed my eyes, though I could still feel him watching me. "I want to make the most of it." When I opened them, I saw his eyes, as dark as the ocean, boring deep into mine. He looked sad again. "I want to love you for every second you have left."
"Why were you so cold to me earlier?" He asked suddenly. "I don't know if it is just your species, I find it difficult keeping up with your moods." He said grinning. My face paled, and then it might have turned red. He couldn't know about me snooping around his personal journal, about what I had read. "When you landed at the Shadow Broker's base, you were happy, and excited to see Dr. T'Soni, but when you came back..."
"I know, I know." I spoke quickly. "I was glad to see her. We were just talking, and it brought up some sore issues."
"Such as?"
"Well, I told her how I felt about your illness..." I spoke carefully, knowing that I wouldn't offend him, but still feeling paranoid that I would.
"Mmm." He nodded, urging me to continue.
"And she told me how hard it was for her species to lose a loved one."
"Ah. Because Asari live longer than most species."
"Yes." I sighed. "I don't know why I let it get to me so much."
"We both knew what we were getting into." He said, more to himself, I believe. His eyes were suddenly glued to the floor. "Perhaps it was an unwise path to pursue." I looked at him in alarm.
"No, Thane." I lifted his chin to look at me. "You made me whole again. Letting myself care for you was the best decision I've ever made." I admitted. He smiled thoughtfully.
"While I am glad, you made it sound like a burden."
"I know. I'm sorry."
"All is forgiven." He spoke quietly, leaning his forehead against mine and grabbing my hands. "Did you mean what you said?"
"Yes." I whispered, knowing exactly what he was referring to. His lips slowly turned upward.
"Good." He kissed me softly. "I love you with everything that I am."
"I know you do." I said, feeling somewhat guilty for knowing already. But when I looked up at him, all of the negative feelings washed away. We stared at each other for what seemed like ages, but I never wanted it to end. Suddenly, I felt his fingers brush across my stomach. "Now do you want me?" I asked with a smirk. But his face was serious; serious and soft at the same time.
"More than anything in this lifetime and the next." I felt myself melt in tune with his voice, and as his lips touched mine again, I was gone.