Disclaimer: I do not own Will, Lyra, Mary, any of the places, or the events previous to this story.

I do not deny wishing I did, but they are Phillip Pullman's, and I'm just borrowing.

2nd Disclaimer: I have not seen anything remotely akin to this anywhere on fanfiction.net or anywhere else. To me, this story is a DUH, and if it is a DUH to anyone else and they have also written it, I am extremely sorry and I promise I haven't copied off of you!

Anyway, on with the story.

Loved Without Loving

Chapter 1

"Will you marry me?"

"What?" Will asked stupidly. He blinked at the woman sitting across from him.

She smiled even wider. "Precisely what I said. Will you marry me?"

"N - I - well that's - I'll think about it," Will stammered. In the past decade, he had imagined all sorts of situations where his past - or rather, Lyra, - would get in the way. This one had occurred to him, but that didn't make him prepared for it. He liked Vanessa, certainly, or he wouldn't have been dating her, but she was nothing like Lyra. Often that was a good thing, but he constantly found her inferior. Her dark brown hair was pretty, so long as Will didn't think about Lyra's blonde head. Her voice and laugh were musical, when not compared to Lyra's rough brogue and sweet giggle. Vanessa was intelligent, with a respectable college degree, though he doubted she could have come up with the sort of ideas Lyra could. He missed Lyra so much. All he wanted was to see her. Midsummer's Day, knowing that she was thinking of him, was a poor substitute for having her with him. He often dreamt of her, sometimes waking and crying himself back to sleep.

"Will?" Vanessa's voice brought him back to this world.

"Yeah?" he said, making sure it was a question so she wouldn't take it as an answer to her proposal.

"I said thanks for considering it," she replied, her smile never faltering.

"Ah - you're welcome," Will choked out. I really meant it though, didn't I? he thought, astonished. I will think about it. How could I do this to Lyra? Oh Lyra, I love you! Just then, the waiter hurried over. As he cleared away the empty plates, Will asked for the check. Vanessa frowned at him, trying to tell him to wait until the waiter asked, but Will didn't care. He just wanted to get home and think.

Driving was an effort. He was silent, and Vanessa didn't try to talk to him, except for a quick "good night" when he dropped her off. Twice Will almost ran red lights. Finally he reached his tiny apartment, where he collapsed on the bed. His dæ mon, Kirjava, jumped up.

"What happened?" she asked. She knew something was wrong; the human-dæ mon bond let her sense Will's distress.

"She proposed," Will replied flatly, throwing one arm across his eyes. There was no need to specify the 'she.'

"Oh Will," Kirjava whispered. "She's nice, but no Lyra and Pan."

Will sat up, suddenly angry. "Of course she's not Lyra! No one but Lyra is Lyra! No one will ever come close to being my Lyra!" Only when he stopped did he realize he had been shouting. He instantly felt guilty. "I'm sorry, Kirjava," he said at a more normal volume. "It's not your fault. I just wasn't prepared for this."

"I know," Kirjava said quietly. She sprang into Will's lap and curled up. Will absently stroked her fur as she retreated into his thoughts.

If it hadn't been for Kirjava, Will would never have started dating. Slowly, though, Kirjava had convinced him to give women a chance, reminding him of a promise to Lyra. Will could hear Lyra's voice in his head now, as clearly as he had then. "And if we - later on - if we meet someone that we like, and if we marry them, then we must be good to them, and not make comparisons all the time and wish we were married to each other instead…" Wasn't his not dating because he was comparing girls to Lyra, Kirjava had pointed out. Yes of course he could miss Lyra, she did too, but there were plenty of girls who liked him out there and surely he could learn to like at least one back, Kirjava had said. And slowly, Will became convinced, and asked a girl out. That particular match was short-lived, but it was the first step to longer, deeper relationships. Eventually he met Vanessa, and when she invited him to a movie, he accepted. Will had grown to be comfortable with her, enough so for a casual romance. Vanessa hadn't rushed him; she let him move through the relationship slowly. Vanessa was possibly his best friend in this world, except Mary who knew his secrets. But marriage?

He was financially independent, as was Vanessa. A wedding party, a new apartment would be no problem. Vanessa's parents would help them out too. The problem was bigger than that. Eventually, Will knew, Vanessa would want children, and he could only use the traditional 'not ready' excuse for so long. He would never be ready. He didn't want to father a child that wasn't Lyra's. He couldn't tell her about his adventure. She would never believe it, and she wouldn't still want to marry him if she knew he loved someone else. Then again, maybe that would be a good thing. After all, he wasn't sure if he wanted to marry her. Experimentally, Will probed his feelings. Yes, he decided, he wanted to marry her. He wanted to marry, for appearances and because a bachelor's life had never really appealed to him. Who better than Vanessa? The only better choice would be Mary, who knew his secrets, and she was far too old for that to work. Oh yes, marrying Vanessa was definitely a desirable option. If it was possible without children, or at the very least without sex. He could probably manage adoption. Perhaps he could come up with a story, something that would explain his aversion to sex. Sexual abuse as a child, maybe? No, she would probably try to help him "get over it." Slowly, and she wouldn't make him have sex if he said he wasn't ready, but she would still try. Anyway, he could figure that out later. For now, the important thing was that he would say yes. She would never be Lyra; no one could ever be anything like Lyra. He would not love her as he did Lyra. But he would marry her, and be good to her, for she was his friend.

"Kirjava," Will said finally.

His cat-shaped dæ mon stood, rubbing against Will's leg. "What?" she asked.

"I-I'm going to say yes," Will answered. "Do you think it's right?" Although he had thought it out carefully, he needed the Kirjava's reassurance. After all, she was part of him. It was hardly fair to make such a life-altering decision without her input or at least approval.

"Yes, Will, I think it is," Kirjava said immediately. "She loves you, though it's not reciprocated. And it will be a good pairing."

"Thank you," Will whispered. He lay down, almost asleep already. Lyra, he thought, just before he fell asleep, I love you.

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