With Everything I Had

Disclaimer: Supernatural belongs to the amazing Eric Kripke and to the very fine people of Warner Brothers/The CW. I claim no right to it and am merely playing in their beautiful sandbox. No copyright infringement intended.

Cas: "What about you? Did you love your father?"

Dean: "With everything I had…"

Episode 10x09- The Things We Left Behind

Dean Winchester loved his father with everything he had. He respected the man and looked up to him in so many ways. He even idolized him, to a point. He had spent his whole life trying to make the man proud of him, rarely succeeding in that near impossible task. But, he had tried.

From the moment the demon killed his mother, Dean's sole reason for living was for his father and his brother. He knew that sounded strange because he had only been four years old at the time, but that single moment in time irrevocably changed who he was and who he would grow to be.

Of course, that change was forced along by the fact that his father's sole reason for living had also changed. Before the death of his wife, John put everything he had into providing for and protecting his family. His whole reason for living was Mary and the life they were building together- Dean, Sam, their home. But, everything changed that fateful night and suddenly John Winchester's reason for living was nothing more than the desperate need for revenge and retribution.

Dean didn't understand this at first, though. Maybe it was because he was so young and was so caught up in his own fear and anguish- something that Dean hadn't ever experienced before. Maybe it was because even at such a young age, he had such an undeniable belief and trust in his father, believing without a doubt that the man would make everything all right again. But, he didn't. And it wasn't.

Nothing was ever all right again in their lives.

Sometimes, when Dean was feeling sorry for himself, he would allow himself to go down the dangerous road of "what ifs." What if his mother hadn't died? What if his father hadn't fallen apart in the beginning? What if John hadn't ever fallen into the vicious trap of wanting revenge on the thing that killed Mary? What if the demon had been killed earlier? What if John had been able to balance the desire for revenge with the desire to be a decent father to his boys? What if someone had realized the way John was raising his sons and intervened in their lives? What if Sam and Dean had been taken away by CPS and placed in a home that kept them safe and with people who showed them love? What if they had been allowed to be normal children, with normal dreams and desires?

So many "what ifs." So many ways their lives could have been different.

And then there were the "if onlys." If only John had realized what his obsession was doing to his boys. If only the man had realized that his family was more important than revenge. If only Mary hadn't made that deal with the demon in the first place. If only he and his brother hadn't been forced to join the fight. If only someone, somewhere along the way, had protected them. If only someone….anyone…. had his and Sam's best interest at heart, for a change. If only, if only, if only…..

Dean knew better than to dwell in the land of "what ifs" and "if onlys" for too long. He knew that it could drive him into a deep despair that he was sure he didn't have the strength to climb out of. So, he found ways to avoid dwelling. He drank. He had sex with lots of women. He drove the Impala down dark, lonely highways at top speed. He hunted and killed every evil thing he could find. And he watched out for Sammy.

Dean had learned early on that watching out for Sam was the most important thing he would ever do. Everything he did was done in an effort to keep Sam safe. John made sure of that from early on and Dean respected him for that. Sam was everything to him.

Sam was just a baby when their mom died, but from the moment he was born, Dean became his protector. He could remember vividly the first time he'd met his brother. He remembered his dad waking him up in the middle of the night, moving quickly around the room as he found Dean's coat and shoes. He remembered the way his dad's hands were shaking as he tried to put the coat and shoes on an exhausted four-year-old. Dean had barely stayed awake as his dad carried him downstairs and walked him over to their neighbor's house.

He could remember being scared when John handed him over to Mrs. Weston, the elderly woman that sometimes came over for coffee and pie. He was just about to start crying when his dad leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

"It's okay, Deano. It's time for Mommy and me to go to the hospital to pick up the baby. Mrs. Weston is going to take care of you until I come back, okay?"

Dean remembered crying at the thought of his mommy and daddy going anywhere without him, but John stopped him. "I need you to be brave, Dean, okay? We'll be back soon and you're going to have a brand new baby brother or sister to play with. You're going to be a big brother and big brothers are brave, remember?"

Dean tried to stop crying at his words, taking deep breaths and wiping the tears off of his face. "I'm gonna be the best big brother, Daddy," he said. "Especially if the baby is a baby brother."

John and Mrs. Weston laughed at that and John stepped forward and placed another kiss on his cheek. "You're gonna be a great big brother even if the baby is a baby sister, kiddo. He or she is going to be the luckiest kid on the planet to have you as a big brother."

Dean smiled through the leftover tears in his eyes and only a few managed to fall after he watched his dad walk away from him. Because it was so late, Mrs. Weston quickly carried him upstairs and tucked him into her spare bedroom. Dean wouldn't have ever admitted it, but he was scared to be sleeping in an unknown house. Luckily, he was really tired, so after a few minutes of Mrs. Weston reading a story to him, he had fallen asleep.

And he slept late into the morning. The rest of the day was spent with him staring out the window, watching and listening for the Impala to come down the road. It was almost dinnertime when he finally heard the sound of the powerful engine. A few minutes later, John was standing in the doorway, waiting for Mrs. Weston to finish putting Dean's coat and shoes on.

Then they were on the way to the hospital. Dean vaguely remembered asking his father if he had a baby brother or a baby sister, but John didn't answer, telling Dean that he would have to wait to see for himself.

Dean could still remember the first time he ever laid eyes on Sam. Mary was holding the baby, all wrapped up inside a fluffy blanket, and Dean was a little nervous at first. After a few minutes of Mary coaxing him, he finally stepped over to the bed and allowed his dad to lift him up. Once he was settled in next to his mom, Dean looked at the bundle in her arms. Mary moved the blanket away and Dean's eyes settled on the small, red-faced blob in her arms, his face scrunching up as he took it all in.

"Say hi to your new baby brother, Dean," Mary said as she watched him.

"It's a brother?" Dean asked in a small voice.

"Yes," Mary answered with a smile. "This is Samuel, Dean."

"Samuel? I don't like that name, Mommy," Dean said with a frown on his face.

"You don't? Why not?"

"It's dumb."

"It's not dumb, Dean. It's a very old name."

"But he's a baby, Mommy. He needs a new name, not an old name."

"He's named after someone very special to your mommy, Dean," John tried to explain.

"Whether you like it or not, his name is Samuel, sweetie. But I was thinking maybe we could just call him Sam. Is that better?"

Dean had a serious look on his face as he thought about that. Eventually, the serious look turned into a smile. "I like Sam, Mommy. Like Yosemite Sam, remember? 'When I say whoa, I mean whoa!'"

Mary and John laughed at Dean's imitation of Yosemite Sam. He had been obsessed with the Looney Toons cartoon character for the past year, much to John's delight and Mary's dismay, watching it every Saturday morning as he ate a bowl of his favorite cereal.

As Mary and John were laughing, Dean leaned closer to his new brother. "Why is he so red, Mommy? And why does he have a lot of hair? When is he going to look at me? Do you think he'll like me?"

Dean asked question after question, which Mary answered the best she could. Eventually, Sam started showing signs of waking up and Dean suddenly grew really quiet. Eventually, Sam opened his eyes and seemed to look right at Dean. Seconds later, he started crying.

Mary repositioned the baby, unwrapping him a little more, just in case he was too warm. Eventually, she noticed the tears that were welling up in Dean's eyes.

"Dean, it's okay," she said, trying to comfort him.

"He doesn't like me, Mommy," Dean said sadly.

"Of course, he does, sweetie. He's probably just hungry." Mary repositioned Sam again, getting ready to feed him. John stepped over and picked Dean up, getting him out of the way.

"What do you say we go get a snack, Deano? Mommy needs to feed your brother."

"Can we bring back a snack for Sam, Daddy? I bet he'll like me better if I bring him back a cookie."

John and Mary shared a smile over the top of Dean's head. "Let's go, kiddo," John said. "We'll be back in a few, Mary."

John walked Dean down to the small cafeteria, explaining to him along the way that Sam was too small for cookies and such. Dean thought it was stupid that his new baby brother couldn't have anything but milk. After being gone for about twenty minutes, they finally returned to Mary's room. Dean was eager to see his brother again and he was happy to see that Sam wasn't crying anymore. In fact, the baby was asleep again.

While Sam slept, Dean sat on the bed next to his mom, watching his brother closely. Mary pulled the blankets away and showed Dean all of Sam's fingers and toes. Dean tickled the bottom of Sam's feet and laughed when the baby pulled his foot away.

"Sam's ticklish, Mommy," he laughed. "Did you see that?"

Mary and John watched Dean as Dean watched his brother. Every few minutes, Dean would say something like "He just smiled at me, Mommy. Did you see that?" or "Look, Daddy, he's yawning."

Eventually, Dean started to get sleepy and John decided it was time to take him home. Of course, Dean had no intention of leaving without his brother and when Mary explained that they had to stay at the hospital one more night, Dean threw a fit.

"I don't wanna go home, Mommy. I wanna stay with Sammy!"

John and Mary smiled at the way Dean called the baby Sammy. But eventually, John had to get firm with his son. "Dean! That's enough! It's time for you and me to go home so Mommy can get some rest."

"I'm not going," Dean said, crossing his little arms over his chest and staring at his dad stubbornly. "Sammy needs me, Daddy. I'm his big brother, remember?"

By this time, John was losing his patience. He hadn't slept in almost twenty-four hours and he was really tired. "Dean, we're going home."

Dean sat down on the floor, refusing to move. Finally, John stepped over and picked the boy up, landing a small swat to his backside. Dean immediately started crying.

"John, was that really necessary?" Mary asked, frowning at her husband and the wailing child he was holding.

"He's throwing a tantrum, Mary," John pointed out. "And I'm too tired to put him in time-out." Turning his attention to Dean, John tried to explain to him again why they were going home. "Dean, the doctors want Mommy and Sam to stay here one more night, so they can check on them. We'll come back in the morning and get them, okay? So, let's say goodnight to them."

"I wanna stay here, Daddy, please? I'll be good, I promise."

John had no idea how to deal with Dean, but Mary finally intervened. "Sweetie, you can't stay here. It's not allowed. So, you have to go home with Daddy for the night. And tomorrow, Sam and I will go home, too."

After a few more minutes of explaining, Dean finally gave in. John sat him down on the bed again, so he could say goodbye to his mom and to Sam. Dean hugged Mary tightly and then moved closer to Sam. Peeking into the blankets, Dean was surprised to see that Sam's eyes were open and he was looking right at him. "Bye, Sammy," Dean said sadly. "I'll be back tomorrow, so don't forget me." He placed a gentle kiss on Sam's cheek before turning away and letting John carry him out of the room.

By the time they got home, Dean was asleep in the back seat of the car. John carried him into the house and took his shoes and coat off before tucking him into bed. Ten minutes later, he was asleep in his own bed, the exhaustion having won out over his desire for a hot shower.

The next morning, he woke up to find Dean standing next to his bed. "Come on, Daddy! Sammy's waiting for me!" Dean nearly yelled. John drug himself out of bed, wishing he could sleep for at least another ten hours. His eyes were gritty and his head was hurting, but he knew nothing was going to keep Dean away from his brother.

An hour later, they were both cleaned up, fed, and on their way to the hospital. Dean practically dragged John down the hall, eager to get to his brother. Rushing through the door to Mary's room, Dean went immediately over to the small bassinette next to his mom's bed, eager to see his brother.

"Hey, Sammy," he whispered. "Remember me?"

John and Mary watched as Dean stayed leaning over the bassinette, talking quietly to his brother. They couldn't hear a lot of what he was saying, but they could make out certain things. Both felt their hearts swell as they listened to Dean telling Sam about his room and the toys that were waiting for him at home. They listened as he told Sam about the Impala and about the cookies that Mary made. They listened as Dean told Sam how he was going to be his best friend and how he was going to be the best big brother ever. And they listened as Dean told Sam that he would always watch out for him, because that's what big brothers did.

Dean had promised time and time again to always watch out for his brother. And he did. He was always the one that made sure Sam had something to eat. He made sure that Sam took a bath every night and that he woke up in time for school. He made sure Sam did his homework and that he had what he needed for school. He took care of his brother when he was sick or hurt. He protected Sam from bullies at school or strangers that creepily lingered wherever they were staying. He even protected Sam from their father, often taking the blame for something Sam did to keep him from being punished, finding it easier to face his father's wrath than it was to watch Sam face it.

And he did this because that's what his father taught him to do. John expected Dean to look out for Sam. He expected Dean to put Sam's needs above his own, so that's what he did. Nothing was more important that Sammy. At least, to Dean.

Years ago, he would have argued that Sam was the most important thing to John, too, but he knew now that that wasn't the truth. Maybe he was being unfair to his father, though. He knew without a doubt that the man loved them. But John's need for revenge overwhelmed all other sense of anything. He wondered if the man ever regretted the path he had chosen. He wondered if he ever even realized the things that had been sacrificed in the name of revenge and justice. He wondered if John knew just what those sacrifices had cost his sons through the years. In Dean's mind, the sacrifices had been too costly. And he would never admit it to anyone- especially to himself- but he had been the one to pay the highest price. He had been the one to give up so much for others. Over and over again, he had been asked to give up pieces of himself, until there wasn't anything left of him but the part that watched out for his brother. Dean was nothing, if he wasn't Sam's protector. And to him, that was the biggest tragedy of all, because his brother really didn't need him to protect him.

Dean didn't really blame his father, though. In fact, there was a part of him that understood his father more than anyone else. He understood being driven by an obsession, even if he didn't understand the obsession itself. He understood putting that obsession above everything else, regardless of whether it was right or not. Because, isn't that what he did every day for Sam? Isn't that what he did when he made that demon deal to save his brother? Or when he was trying to get Sam's soul back from Hell? Isn't that what he did when he took the Mark of Cain? Dean would do anything for Sam and he had proven that time and time again.

Yes, Dean understood John's motivation and drive throughout the years. He respected the man's determination and grit. He knew he was the man he was because of his father's choices and he was okay with that.

He loved the man with everything he had in him. He loved him for fighting to rid the world of evil, despite what it took from him and his family. He loved him for helping to avenge Mary's death, despite the wedge it drove into his relationship with his sons. Dean loved his father for the sacrifice he'd made that had saved Dean's own life.

But, there was a part of him that also hated the man for all the same reasons. For all the "what ifs" and "if onlys." For the man he had become because of his father's choices. For the life he and Sam had lived. He hated his father for sacrificing himself to save his son. Dean was the one that had to live with the fact that he was alive only because his father had died for him. And Dean both loved and hated John for that.

He would never understand how it was possible to both love and hate his father with everything he had in him.

But, he did.

Author's note: I just recently saw a clip of the scene where Cas asked Sam and Dean if they loved their father and it prompted me to think about Dean's answer. I have no doubt that they both loved their father fiercely, but what a complicated love that had to be, right? I just wanted to delve into that a little bit and this is what came of that. I hope you enjoyed it.

Thanks so much for reading. I'd love to hear your thoughts on this little one-shot.