The Wrath of My Muses
DISCLAIMER: I own the Secret Super Spies and their Secret Super Sniffin' Spy Dog, Agent 006. And the tribble. And The Almighty Panamint, who happens to be a fictional character based on the fan-fiction author of the same name. And if you'd like to see a description of the Secret Super Spies so you can visualize them, then go to my bio-it'll tell ya where to go, since I can't put any links in my fics anymore, okay? Good!
P.S. My Muses consist of the six Secret Super Spies (that's Alexis, Robin, Dani, Bianca, Heather and Agent 006); Adam, Hoss and Little Joe Cartwright; Robin (called Dick in this story, to avoid confusion) and Catwoman; and—naturally—Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Chekov. Those are my Muses, and now, let's take a little sneak peek into the first MPA meeting. Hee. XD
Spock paced silently in Sickbay, followed closely by Catwoman. The former was considering their present—and very precarious—situation. The latter was thinking up a new scheme to kill Dick and convince Batman to marry her. And Dick, who knew what she was up to and didn't like it at all, had shrunk back into his pillow as far as he could without looking like a coward. And without re-dislocating his shoulder.
Chekov, however, wasn't even bothering to hide his growing uneasiness. There was something about that woman that made him nervous. He didn't quite know what it was. Maybe it was the cat o' nine tails slung over her shoulder. Maybe it was the skin-tight body suit and the dark mask. But, whatever it was, he decided to take the hint from Dick and avoid her as much as possible.
However, if there was one person in Sickbay who wasn't afraid of Catwoman, it was Robin Bowillow, a.k.a Secret Super Spy #2. Of course, the only exposure she had had to the arch-villainess was through the sixties Batman TV show, so she didn't really have any reasons to fear her. Yet.
Spock stopped pacing as soon as a cussing Doctor McCoy entered Sickbay, carrying an unconscious, green-jacketed cowboy in his arms. He was closely followed by a large man in a Stetson hat.
"Little Joe!" cried Heather, sounding genuinely panicked. He was her favorite Muse, after all. "What happened to him?"
"That -CENSORED- Panamint happened! She seemed to think it was a brilliant idea to have him fall through the ice in her latest 'masterpiece'!" McCoy answered hotly. As soon as he placed Little Joe Cartwright on the last unoccupied biobed, he put his hands on his hips and observed his Sickbay in disgust.
"Kinda crowded, isn't it?" Bianca observed meekly.
It was an unnecessary understatement. From left to right—Little Joe Cartwright, half-frozen from falling through the ice on Lake Tahoe while trying to rescue his dog; Adam Cartwright, half-frozen from trying to save his brother after he fell through the ice on Lake Tahoe while trying to rescue his dog; Dick Grayson, dislocated shoulder from trying (and failing) to rescue the seven castaways of Gilligan's Island; Pavel Chekov, overheating from doing two numbers in a row in the Enterprise's production of "The Nutcracker Suite"; and Agent 006, broken paw from falling off the ottoman.
"This is getting ridiculous," Alexis grumbled. "I mean, it was okay when she was just doing Dick-torture—"
"Excuse me?" Dick protested.
"Yeah, leave him alone!" cried Robin, making it plain who her favorite Muse was. She crawled onto the biobed with Dick and sat protectively next to him, putting a hand on his uninjured shoulder. "Don't worry. They won't bug you as long as I'm here."
"Wanna bet, birdbrain?" Catwoman hissed. With a swift move, she had thwacked Robin off the biobed and was trying to spray Dick in the face with Cat-sleeping gas.
"Knock it off!"
The cry came from Scotty, who had just entered the Sickbay and was now keeping Catwoman's arms pinned behind her back.
"Dontcha think we have enough trouble on our hands without you tryin' to harm the lad any more?" Scotty said. "TAP is doin' too mucha that as is!"
"'TAP'?" repeated the big man—Hoss—in confusion.
"That's short for 'The Almighty Panamint'," explained Dani in her usual, matter-of-fact manner.
"Well… I guess you're right. If we don't stop TAP, she might start writing…" There was a horrified gasp from the villainess. "…Catwoman-torture stories!"
Catwoman stopped her struggles before admitting, "I'd rather go straight than have that happen!"
"That would be nice…" Dick thought aloud as he watched Dani and Alexis help Robin to her feet.
"Alright then."
Scotty let go of her.
"I haf a qvestion," Chekov piped up for the first time since Catwoman had entered Sickbay. "Vhy are ve all here? I mean, the Cartwrights are from mid-19th Century Newada, Dick and Catvoman are from mid-20th Century Gotham City, the Secret Super Spies are from early 21st-Century New Britain and the rest of us are from mid-23rd Century Enterprise. How are ve all together like this?"
"…What did he say?" asked Heather blankly. She doesn't watch sci-fi, by the vay. I mean way. Vhatewer.
"He asked how people from four different centuries could all be in one Sickbay at the same time," McCoy translated.
"I said that," Chekov complained.
"Don't whine!" Catwoman snapped, making the young ensign cringe.
Ignoring them, McCoy continued, "And the answer is 'because TAP has a very warped sense of humor', so we either do everything she says or end up dead."
"Good answer," said Chekov, swallowing noisily.
"I believe," Spock began. "That this situation has long since gotten out of our control and that a formal meeting is in order to help rectify this matter as quickly as possible."
"Now look here, you… you… whatever ya are, look here," Hoss said. He poked his large index finger in Spock's face. "Iffen yer s'posed to be as smart as ma little brother says, then figgur this'un out fer me—how're we s'posed to hold a 'formal meetin'' iffen half o' TAP's Muses are laid up in bed!"
"Not half—a third," Adam corrected from his biobed. "There are fifteen Muses, and five of us are laid up, so that makes a third."
"Half, third, he has a point," Alexis agreed. "We need a meeting for sure. But we'll need to hold it here in Sickbay so that Joe, Adam, Dick, Pasha and 006 can hear."
"Pasha?" Heather questioned.
"Dude, you are seriously behind on your television watching. Don't you watch Star Trek?"
"Vatch it? I'm ON it!"
"Not you!"
"I don't like sci-fi," Heather informed the Secret Super Spy-Leader.
"I'll explain later," Dick assured the girl. Then, looking a bit panicked, he added, "Well, I'll explain it if TAP let's me have a later. I could die from a heart attack, or even drown in the Pacific Ocean right now, for all we know!"
"That is why it is imperative to hold a meeting immediately," Spock pressed. Well, he pressed as hard as can be expected of a Vulcan, anyway.
"Sure."
"Hey," Catwoman said. "We should have a name."
"…Name?..." Scotty questioned. "I'm afraid I dinna unnerstand whatcha mean by that, lassie."
"A name!" she repeated impatiently. At Scotty's blank look, she muttered something that sounded like 'engineering ignoramus' before explaining. Apparently, she had been thinking of a title for their new group. Although she suggested 'The Get-Revenge-on-The-Ever-Annoying-Panamint Club', this was met with objection by the peace-lovers of the group. Which consisted of Spock, Spock and the ever-popular Spock. The Vulcan suggested the 'Muse Protection Association' instead, and the name stuck.
"I still like my name better," grumbled Catwoman, but she didn't push the issue as much as she would have if TAP wasn't as big a threat as she was. After all, if she pushed too far, then TAP might decide to toss her off a cliff like she did to Batgirl.
"So… vhat do ve do?" asked Chekov.
"I think we should brainstorm ideas about how we can free ourselves from TAP, and then choose the most logical plan," Adam suggested. Why McCoy stuck a hypo in his arm and sent him off to dream-land right then, he'd never know.
"I believe Mr. Cartwright made a valid point before Dr. McCoy chose to temporarily relieve the patient of his discomfort," said Spock.
"Discomfort?" McCoy queried. "Oh, no. He wasn't in any discomfort. Although he would have been if he kept going the way he was."
"You'd jist better hope ma brother recovers, Mister, or yer gonna git it," Hoss threatened as he put a protective hand on Adam's shoulder.
"Relax, he'll be fine," McCoy assured him. "Which is more than he'd be if he was left up to your medicine."
Little Joe emitted a low groan and tried to sit up on the biobed. He didn't get very far before Hoss and McCoy were upon him, keeping him down.
"So let's just start tossing out suggestions," Heather said.
"I must inform you, Miss Connelly, that it is physically impossible to literally 'toss' a suggestion. A suggestion is merely—"
"Put a sock in it, you overgrown garden gnome, so we can get on with it. I've got crimes to commit!" Catwoman snapped.
"What is 'it'? And why should I wish to 'put a sock in it'? That seems quite illogical," Spock questioned.
"Alright then, in simple layman's terms… SHUT UP! The Ruby Cat's Eye isn't going to wait forever, you know!"
Although Spock raised his eyebrow considerably, he didn't comment.
"So THAT'S what you're after!" Dick exclaimed triumphantly. "I knew it! Spock, call security and have her arrested!"
"You try it and I'll make you regret the day you were hatched!" Catwoman hissed.
"Either way, I'm afraid that your request is impossible," said Spock. "After all, none of The Almighty Panamint's Muses are security guards, and since this story only contains her Muses, it would be impossible to call them."
"Then have the Secret Super Spies arrest her!" Dick insisted. Now that he had her, he wasn't about to let her slip through his fingers. Again.
"Sorry, dude, no can do," Alexis apologized with a shrug. "For some strange reason, TAP has decided that one of her Muses is Catwoman, and to have a complete meeting of the MPA, we need her, too."
"And besides that," Robin continued. "If we tried it, TAP would most like throw us into some crocodile pit, like King Tut did to you in Episode Fifty—"
"Shut up!" Catwoman interrupted. "And let's get on with the meeting."
Robin looked as if she might do something rash before The Almighty Panamint decided to intervene and throw her into the Superman-verse. Now there's nothing wrong with that, except if you happen to be Robin Bowillow. Who doesn't like Superman. At all.
"ROBIN!" the remaining Secret Super Spies cried, gazing at some random viewscreen that TAP had decided to write into Sickbay one day. Even 006 let out a little whine to show he, too, was concerned. Either that, or he didn't like the look in Catwoman's eye as she stared at the little dog. But the former is much more likely where 006 is concerned.
"Holy time warps!" Dick and Robin yelled simultaneously.
"GET ME OUTTA HERE!" Robin shrieked, as though in agony. Actually, to her, being stuck indefinitely in the Superman-verse is agony.
"Don't worry!" Dick called. "Clark's a nice guy!"
"I DON'T CARE!" Robin continued to rant. "I WANT OUT!"
Well, maybe she was better off in Metropolis because, next thing the Muses knew, the scene had changed and Robin was back in the crocodile pit.
"AAAUUUUGGGHH!" she screamed, trying desperately to climb the walls and get out. But, since The Almighty Panamint is as powerful as she is, the walls were now perfectly slick—unable to be climbed up.
"We've got ta do somethin'!" Scotty said.
"Like what?" Little Joe asked uncertainly.
But they needn't have worried because, a second later, Robin had been plopped back into Sickbay. She was a little wet and a lot shocked, but in perfect health otherwise, as was proved by McCoy's modified saltshaker-type-thing.
"I suggest," said Spock, completely unperturbed. "That we think of something quickly, before another incident occurs and someone is seriously injured."
"I'll drink ta that!" Hoss concurred.
"Okay."
Alexis pulled out a little white-board and a marker from somewhere and, marker poised at the ready, began to scribble down everyone's suggestions.
Thirty minutes later, the board looked something like this—
1-Kill her… painlessly…!
2-Throw her out an airlock
3-Let the tribbles decide
4-Confront her with charges of violating the Prime Directive
5-Open rebellion!
6-Steal her computer. Then she'll be powerless.
7-Bite her ankles
8-Give her an extra physical this year
9-Give CHEKOV an extra physical this year!
10-Steal her "Bonanza" tapes
11-Steal ALL of her tapes!
12-Hang her at sunrise, after one of those not-so-fair trials
13-Take over her computer and trap her indefinitely in the Barney-verse
14-Take her cheese
15-Ninety-nine years to life in Gotham Penitentiary!
"Well we can forget Number 14 right away," Dick said promptly.
"Why?" Heather objected (it WAS her idea, after all!)
"Too dangerous. Anybody who messes with TAP's cheese is automatically dead meat, which wouldn't help us at all," he explained.
"And we can forget about 8 and 9…" Alexis continued, crossing them out. Chekov sighed in relief while McCoy just threw another glare in his direction.
"I still don't understand Number 4," Heather spoke up. "What's the Prime Directive, and what has The Almighty Panamint done to violate it?"
"Like I said, dude—you are WAY behind in your television watching," Alexis grumbled. "Okay, look. In Star Trek-verse, there's this law called the Prime Directive, which says that, when traveling to 'strange new worlds', the crew is not allowed to give the natives any information that might alter their evolution. So if they were to come into our 'verse, they couldn't tell us about starships or give us a phaser or anything."
"But what has TAP done to violate the Prime Directive?" Bianca questioned.
"Suggestions 10 and 11 should make it quite plain," Spock jumped in. "They were suggested by Joseph Francis and Eric—"
"WHAT!" Joe and Hoss yelped as Adam snickered softly in the background.
"Jo…?" began Robin, before dissolving into fits of hysterical laughter. She seemed completely ignorant to the increasing redness of Hoss' face, the way Little Joe was slapping his fist into his palm and Heather's very miffed expression.
Through this, all Spock did was raise his eyebrow once again.
"I fail to understand what everyone finds so humorous," said the Vulcan.
"Never mind—just go on," Alexis replied, grinning broadly.
"Very well. Numbers 10 and 11, which were suggested by…" He looked as if he might repeat himself, but thought better of it and rephrased his statement: "… suggested by two humans from the mid 19th-Century. They couldn't—and shouldn't—have any idea what "tapes" are, or that their lives were later chronicled in the western Bonanza."
"I get it!" Dick cried. "So, according to the rules of your 'verse, TAP has actually broken the law by giving the Cartwrights information that could quite probably change the future, right?"
"That is correct."
"And," Scotty continued. "Since she spends so much o' her time here on the Enterprise, she should be just as susceptible ta our laws as any one o' us!"
"I still say we should just kill her," Catwoman muttered.
Big mistake on her part. You see, TAP doesn't like the idea of getting killed, so she promptly decided to place Catwoman in a dog kennel somewhere in Colorado. At the sight of his worst enemy running pell-mell away from a pack of Chihuahuas, Dick couldn't help but fall off the biobed laughing. Even when he banged his bad shoulder on the floor, he still couldn't stop giggling.
"Ho… Holy just desserts!" he managed to choke out.
And Little Joe, who had had his own bad experiences with the villainess, had started clinging to Hoss' vest to keep from falling out of his biobed as well. And when Hoss stepped away from his brother, Joe just fell to the floor and began rolling around in hysterics.
"Oh, brother," muttered McCoy. Taking out his trusty hypo, he gave each boy a sedative to help them calm down a bit before The Almighty Panamint decided to zap Catwoman back into Sickbay.
Once Dick and Joe had managed to climb back onto the biobeds, the MPA waited for something interesting to happen.
After the kennel incident, TAP thought it would be a good idea to slap Catwoman into a forest of dogwood trees. Well, at that first sneeze, Dick and Joe fell right out of their biobeds all over again, much to the chagrin of Dr. McCoy. He couldn't administer another sedative so soon, otherwise he might overdose both young men and that was the last thing they needed on top of TAP's torture.
"As much as I'd like to vait around and see an ending to this, shouldn't ve really get ower to TAP's qvarters and confront her vith the charges before she does something else to von of us?" Chekov said.
No sooner had he said this than Adam disappeared. The viewscreen split into two halves to show that the eldest Cartwright brother had fallen into Lake Tahoe once again.
"Okay, that does it!" Heather said resolutely. "Let's get a move-on with this plan!"
Dick:We should have tossed you out an airlock when we had the chance.
Me: You wouldn't be here now if you had!
Dick: I know!
Me: Look, people, just review, cuz my Muses confront TAP in the next chappie! Boy, this oughtta be good...
Dick: Was not!
Me: Was too!
Dick: Was not!
Me: Was too!
Dick: Was not...!
(goes on indefinitely)