LIFE IN BITS AND PIECES
By
Tammy J. Granowsky
I met someone tonight. God damn, it's been a long time, too long. His eyes are the color a lake is right before a rain storm. I just want to float away in 'em—that is after I shine my shaft.
Me and Lashawn was headin over to the Childress Dance Hall and my truck broke down. I popped the hood to see what the damage was. Shit! Oil was all over the engine.
"Ah, don't get your clothes dirty, I still want to go dancin. I told you we shoulda taken the car. I swear, trucks are for workin, not for takin to a social function." I could still hear her voice, even with my head buried under the hood. "What band is playin tonight? Not that it matters. You won't dance with me anyway, will ya?" Eventually, her voice faded into the steady drum of tires against pavement. Why in God's green earth was she the one I picked to prove my manhood?
Anyway, she was out'n the highway, tryin to flag down cars to take us to the Hall. Finally, someone pulls over and she just hops right in. Don't even ask, "Do you mind, can you...?" No, just parks her butt in the back seat and rolls down the window and yells out, "Come on, I got us a ride."
Well, as luck would have it, they was goin the same direction as us. Hell, to the same place. I guess the gal in front had done some arm twistin too. I don't mind goin to a dance. I just don't dance. I drink. Lashawn'll lay her eyes on some poor soul and get him to shake a leg for a few dances, gives me a break from her yammer'ng. By the time I feel like dancin, I have trouble standin.
Well, these folks picked us up in their Cadillac. Nice, new car, had that special smell still in it. His name was Jack, she was Lureen. The gals got to talkin, so we ended up sharin a table. Jack and me both ordered a double whiskey on the rocks. We chuckled, knowin what our evenin was gonna be like. When the whiskey and wine spritzers came, we all toasted to our good fortune of meetin each other. As Jack and me raised our glasses, our eyes met. There was an openin. Or was I just hopein? Over the first, long pull of the witch's brew, those blue eyes of Jack's was a lookin at me. I was not mistaken. There was the invitation I'd been lookin for for months. I was grateful. We didn't have to act on it tonight. I was just relieved to know I was in like-minded company. Soon, Jesus, soon it would happen. Lashawn's non-stop chatter became background music as it melded with the guitar strings and piano keys. Shit, I had her to thank for me meet'n up with Jack. Jack and me just relaxed and let the golden liquid sooth away the night until we could take care of each other's itch.
After the dance, we was sittin outside waitin for the gals to powder their noses. I tell Jack my boss has a little croppy house over by Lake Kemp. Maybe we can go fishin and drinkin there sometime. He just sat there. He didn't say yes. He didn't say no. What the hell was that about? I knew I wasn't wrong about him.
I was so beefed, I decided to take Jack up again a few days later, try to get a answer out of him. I walked into his machinery business and he acts like I'm his long, lost brother. The sooner we get to fishin, the better, he said. Next week-end was good for him.
We drove up together in the same vehicle. It was nice, talkin, gettin to know each other. By the time we reached the croppy house, it was night. I was burnin to be all over him. I switched on a light, but a fuse must of blown. It didn't matter. We just fumbled around in the dark til we stumbled onto the bed and onto each other. My pants were barely off before he starts poundin on me. He is what I need.
Jack and me see each other about once a month and it's always damn good. Once in a while he makes a run up to Wyomin for someone. I always know when it's comin 'cuz he gets to be a pain in my ass. But soon enough, those trips are gonna stop. We're talkin about him leavin Lureen and I'd leave Lashawn. We'd build a cabin up by his old man's place. Soon…no more Wyomin' trips, Jack.
Our last time together is stuck on rewind in my mind. Over and over and over. It's killin me. I need time to march on so as I can forget it. So I can forget Jack.
"I wish are wives got along better," I said. I rolled over on my bare stomach and looked out the window at the sun risin over the lake. "I'd love to see you every week at these card parties Lashawn gets together at our house. You and me git hot and hard upstairs while everyone else is downstairs complainin about their shitty pincochle hand."
"You know Lureen. She works at work and then drags those damn books to home every night to pour over them," Jack said.
"I know. You still goin to the machinery show in Lubbock next month? I'll drive over to meet you."
"No, I'm gonna skip it." He slapped my bare butt and sat up on the edge of the bed. "I need to make the Wyomin run. I'm hungry. You make breakfast, I'll get the coffee a goin."
I grabbed his wrist hard and held it. "You don't need to go to Wyomin anymore, Jack," I said, in a low voice. He wrenched his wrist free and put on his blue jeans, bare back. My butt stung where he smacked it. It wasn't the only thing that stung. I threw on a pair of jeans and followed him to the kitchen.
"Jack, what the hell you goin' up to Wyomin for?" I slammed my hand on the kitchen counter. The knives and silverware rattled. "You don't need to. You got me whenever you want." What the fuck is he gonna say to that?
"Randall, I've…I've been doing it so long. It's just a habit," he stumbled over his words. "The road trip is in my blood."
"Road trip! Hell, you mean, HE's in you blood." I shoved him against the wall and laid my forearm hard over his throat.
"It's over. You and Wyomin. You hear me? What the fuck's his name, anyway?" Jack was turning red, but he could still breathe.
"Ennis," he choked out.
"Innis. That's it?"
"Del Mar."
"You want me at your old man's place with you? That means no more Innis Del Mar!" Fucking prick was ready to pass out. "God damn, you scratched my arm up." I swiped at the blood as he dropped to the floor. "Jack, I'm sorry," I pleaded. "Go to the table. I'll get the coffee." Jack stumbled to the table, coughing and gasping, grabbing his throat.
"I ain't no coyote. I'm not gonna tear it open. Here, I put a shot of Jack in it." I put the coffee on the table and turned my chair to face him. "We settled? We leave our wives by the end of the year. We'll hook up after you find us somethin up by your old man's." I closed my hand over Jack's, rubbin his fingers, my voice softened. "Are we good—about all this?"
Jack's blue eyes were stormin over. This time, he slammed his fist on the table. "Randall, I've been goin to Wyomin the whole time we've known each other. Hell, even before I met Lureen. You know that." He pounded the table with his finger as each word shot out his mouth. "It…is...just...who...I...am. Why all of a sudden is it a problem?"
I held his face between my hands, made him look at me. "Jack, I'm tired of sharin you with Lureen, I'm tired of sharin you with your son, and I'm tired of sharin you with Wyomin. You can understand that, can't you?"
"Yes," Jack whispered, "but I can't."
He tried to move his face, but I wouldn't let him. I gripped him harder. "Then you've got to make me understand."
"I can't. I can't." His tears started to fall over my rigid fingers. "I don't fuckin understand it, so how can I explain it! You might as well ask me to take a hammer and bust my arm, or a knife and cut at my heart." His words were doomin us, but they just started tumblin out his mouth like a Texas tumble weed, one after another. "Ennis 'n me. The first time we was together, it was like the world was here, just for us. When the birds sang, it was just for us." I fell to my knees and buried my head in his lap, not wantin to hear more. "When the sun and stars came out, it was just for us." Jack was chokin on his tears, but I could still understand every word that spilled out. "Those god damn cold nights on Brokeback, the freezin fuckin water we had to bathe in, the beans we had every night. Nothin mattered, nothing mattered," he whispered, "as long as…" He paused, searching his heart, his soul "…as long as we was together. It's been like that ever since. As long as I know I'll be with Ennis, I can stand anything."
His hands came down on my hair and stroked it. He stroked my cheeks, wet with our tears. I looked up at him. The storm in his blue eyes was over. His voice rasped out the end of us. "I'm only whole when I'm with Ennis." I guess he understood now.
He continued to stroke my damp hair. The summer noises continued outside, as if it were just any old day. The mocking-bird screeched from its tree. The wind blew through the tall grass.
I slid back onto my chair. How can Jack take these words back? How can I forget I never heard them? He stood up. Put a hand on my shoulder. He had to go. He and Innis had been fittin together like a lock and key for 20 years. Now that he could put it into words, he was gonna give it another shot.
Jack poured the coffee down the drain and tipped the whiskey into the cups. He poured a quick pull for himself. My cup he filled to the top. It took him ten minutes to walk away from our life. The screen door moaned on its hinges and slammed shut. I just couldn't just let him leave. I made my way outside.
"Jack, I'll be here," I groaned. The truck door slammed. The engine revved. Had he heard? He was already in Wyomin, already becomin whole.
"Jack, yer back tire." I tried to shout. The dust rose up behind him and settled back down, seemed like in the same spot it was riled up from.
"God damn you Jack," I yelled. I picked up a handful of dirt and threw it after him. "God damn you Innis Wyomin Del Mar." The wind blew back in my face.
I stumbled back into the house. I'd have to start all over again. I didn't want to start all over. I wanted Jack. I got the bottle of whiskey and sat at the table, the table me and Jack was just at. How much of this would I need to help me make it through the day? How much to make me forget Jack?
Learnin to drink whiskey is like learnin to eat hominy. I could barely eat a bite the first time my mamma forced it on me. But the more I kept chewin and swallowin, the easier it got. Whiskey's like that. That first sip always steals my breath and grabs my gut. But by the end of a evenin, I almost feel like I need it just to breathe. Damnest thing!
I gathered up my things, slammed the door of the croppy house, and made it to the pick-up with my half empty bottle. The sun was beatin down on me like Jack was beatin a path to get to Innis, direct and intense.
I started the engine, but fuck, what did I have to get home for? I turned it off and shut my eyes for a few minutes. I woke with a fly buzzin around my cotton mouth. I tried to kill it, but just managed to slap myself. I was sweatin in the truck cab like a judge gettin busted. The sun still was high in the sky. Jack and a faceless cowboy stared me in the eyes, kicked me in the gut. I took a pull of hot whiskey and wiped my mouth. I had to do somethine.
Once I hit the highway, I was able to do 80 mph. Even the tires against the pavement groaned, "What you gonna do? What you gonna do?"
It took me longer to get home than it should of. The phone was ringin when I opened the door.
"Hello." It was Lureen. "Lureen, Jack should be home soon." I lied. "He headed out before me."
"Well, I know that ain't possible. I'm calling to tell you."
"Lureen, I can hardly hear you." She sounded like she was talking from the bottom of a well. "Lureen, what's wrong?" I managed to ask.
"Jack's dead. He was on some back road head'in north and he had a flat. I guess the rim…I can't get into it now. Where the hell was he…?" Her voice faded off, lettin the puzzle pieces fall into place. "Oh my." she groaned. "I thought..."
Dead silence. She dropped the receiver as if I was the devil, not Innis Del Mar.
I gripped the phone. Err…Err…Err…Err. The endless buzzin helped to block out my thoughts. I could still feel Jack's hands in my hair, drying my cheek. I didn't give a damn if it was pity. He was my Jack.
I heard a car door slam. "Hi honey," Lashawn sang. "I thought you and Jack was gonna stay up there 'til Monday. I've got plans tonight and tomorrow night. I hope you don't expect me to cancel them. You better hang up that phone if you want someone to call. I got two new outfits. Me and the other girls are going to a new restaurant tonight and then…"
I turned and felt my way to the spare bedroom. I closed the door and searched the back of the closet, behind the guest towels. Just a few pulls on my Jack and her voice would soon fade into the distance.