A Modern Alice
Gina
'…'
Where am I? What…happened to me?
I open my eyes, but I can barely see. The light in this room is dim. No windows, one door and all is white but dirty. I sit up trying to remember, but nothing comes to me. I look down and I can see that I am wearing something that is not mine. A white dress, vintage and long sleeved, it's almost like a wedding dress. I try to cry for help but my mouth is sewn shut. I look at the door, but there is no handle. I crawl over to a corner and hold my knee's…what else can I do?
XxXxXxXx TheCase xXxXxXxX
"She's been non-responsive for a few weeks now, are you sure you can help her?"
I looked up, "Of course I'm sure."
The nurse shrugged and left me to my work. I have been looking over the file of a patient. No one knows her story, and her not talking doesn't help. They've been treating her but nothing has brought her back. She came into the Blackheath Hospital three weeks ago. They found her in an abandoned apartment on the floor; she was unconscious and covered in bruises. Her first few days here she was a lunatic. She would scream and yell at anyone who would get too close to her. She hated everything and everyone, but wouldn't say why. She smashed chairs in the main room and scared the other patients, once she even caused a riot. It was quite a sight actually. Twenty-three patients yelling and screaming, and every orderly and grounds guard was there trying to keep things under control. They ended up locking down the place until things calmed down. She was locked up several times in solitary and when they would take her out she would be docile afterwards and not say a word. Then one day she just closed up entirely. Now she doesn't move or speak. She looks sixteen and it's as if she's already dead. Such a shame.
I close the folder and put it on the side of my desk. It's nearly empty there is no point in wasting my time reading what I already know. Everyone knows the story. Well, as much as was found. It's ten forty-five. I'm off to get myself a muffin. I walk down the hall to the staff cafeteria, and say hi to a few co-workers along the way. I pass by the waiting room and take a glance, I can't help myself. I see a mother and her son sitting. The mother looks nervous, she has a worried look on her face. It must be her first time here. You can tell who's used to it and who's not. 'Newbie's' like her are generally nervous. People who are used to coming to this place sit like it's just a regular doctor's appointment. Her son looks young around 7-8. He sits quietly swinging his feet, completely content and so innocent. The mother looks at me and smiles. I nod my head and smile back still walking. The cafeteria is a decent one. The chairs are blue and plastic, the tables are a light grey and not that big. The room it's self is white like most of the building. Near the entrance is where the cash and food are. There are a number of muffins on a table next to the cash. A woman standing next to me seems to be having a hard time choosing too.
"Hi, having trouble?"
I turn to look at her, "There is so much to choose from," I say.
She has beautiful evergreen eyes and her face is very smooth looking. Her hair is wavy and red, so red you would think its blood. It must be dyed.
"I think you should take the blueberry they were just made, so they're still warm." She smiles.
I consider it, "I think I will thank you."
She is dressed professionally in a fitted, grey business suit. It shows her figure. I go to pay for my muffin.
"Hey are you Dr. Tyler? The one who's taking that unknown girls case?"
I guess this case has turned into gossip, and the nurses will turn to me to know the latest.
"Yes, that's me. Why do you ask?" Stupid thing to say, she'll have a million questions.
"Do you really think you can bring her out of it? She's showed no improvement since she's been here if anything she's gotten worse."
I hand the cashier my money. This is the third time today someone has asked me that question, they are all so doubtful.
"I hope to."
She walks up to the cash and says "I'm Tammy. I work with teens and younger children. If you need any help feel free to ask."
I stare at her for a second. I feel as if my territory has been threatened. I know how to do my job.
"Thanks."
I leave the cafeteria and head back down the hall towards my office. I pass the waiting room again, only the mother is there. She still has a worried look on her face.
I sit down at my desk with my muffin in hand. I stare at the almost empty file. A thousand questions go through my mind. Who is this girl? Why did she have no I.D on her? What was she doing in an abandoned apartment? How did she get there? Why was she unconscious? Why did she have bruises on her? What happened to her? Where is she from? The police found nothing in the room, and nothing suspicious around the building. No witnesses either. I wish she could tell us. But until she can speak, I can only guess. I need a mind reader, even then we don't know if she is capable of thinking in her state. She responds to nothing. The hospital has done scans and her brain seems normal from a physical point of view. Some kind of trauma must have went on. The bruises covered her arms, body and thighs. Maybe a struggle? Too many questions. I'm going to see her in half an hour, at eleven-thirty. I need something I can work on instead of sitting in the dark guessing. I take notes from my thoughts. It's a start. Maybe I'll develop a theory. I take a bite out of my blueberry muffin and crumbs fall onto the paper I'm writing on. I dislike having a messy work space. I curse at the muffin and continue eating.
XxXxXxXx TheVoice xXxXxXxX
I do not know how long I have been sitting in this corner. It feels as if time is non-existent. No one is coming through that door. I am the only one here, all alone…
"Are you alone?"
I hear a male voice. It's smart and almost seductive. I look around, no one is here. I'm going mad.
"You are mad."
This is scaring me "Where are you?" I feel my mouth, the seams are gone. Something feels so very wrong…
"Never mind where I am, you don't even know where you are."
I look around for an intercom of some sort or a speaker anything that the voice could be coming from. There is nothing. "So tell me, where am I?" This is insane. I need to get out of this place.
"All in good time. Your fear of what lies outside is keeping you in this room."
"Maybe if I knew what was going on I wouldn't be scared." Nothing, no response at all. I look at the dress I'm wearing wondering where it came from and why I'm wearing it. I don't remember a wedding. I don't even remember knowing anyone I wanted to married. I want to scream, someone pull me from this nightmare of nothing. I start pacing. There has to be someway out of this room. I run to the door and start banging on it with all my strength. It could break, couldn't it? Nothing, how useless. This dress is bugging me, but I wouldn't dare take it off. What if that voice is some pervert with hidden camera's in this room. Wait…have I been kidnapped? What will happen to me? This adds to my fear. "I want out, NOW!" I yell. But again, no one responds. I don't remember anything…I need to know, how did I get here? I try to think back to what happened, to what could have led me here. Everything is a blur. My head…burns. It hurts. I fall to my knees and blood droplets fall to the ground. I reach to my face, my nose is bleeding. "Ugh" It hurts…faint memories begin to come back…
"I didn't do anything!"
A woman pushes me. She's wavering, she's drunk. "You're trying to steal him…" I'm young. "I'm not…"
Pretty girls giving me looks of disgust…
I'm walking down a hallway, I feel closed in. The girls are all around me, staring…
"What are you doing out late?"
A boy a little older than me is speaking to me…it's dark out. I'm trapped in a corner…
A Mirror…
I see my reflection…ugly and scarred…
I remember passing out.
XxXxXxXx AVisit xXxXxXxX
I walk through the door to the area where they keep the patients. It's a decent size and there are a few things to keep them occupied; a T.V, a few games, some books. There are four tables and a little sitting area in front of the television. The area is white. Near the door is the nurse's booth. I'm here to see the girl's condition.
"Dr. Tyler? Are you here to see the girl?" A nurse asks shyly. She must be new.
"Yes. No one's found an I.D yet?" We don't even know her name.
"No, not yet." She takes me too the room where the girl is kept. We pass a few other rooms on the way.
"She still hasn't moved or said a word…" It was to be expected. The nurse unlocks the door and opens it.
"Thank you."
The room is a completely clean white. The only things the room with her are a bed, a chair and a night stand. I walk over to the chair and pull it next to the bed. The nurse closes the door. I observe her. Her skin is as pale as a full moon; her eyes are wide open and the sadist color of ocean blue. She has long black hair, past the shoulders. They took the make-up off her face when they brought her in but left the black nail polish, now chipped. She lies perfectly straight, the way they put her in the bed with her arms over the blankets. They couldn't get the black dress off her. That was the first time she had an outburst. Maybe that's why she didn't want people near her. I take note of the idea. Her arms are scarred, from the wrist to the shoulder. I take note of the scarring, it's deep. Most of her bruises are healed. Her only movement is her breathing. I feel a little sorry for her, I'm her only visitor. No family members have come…If she even has any. I check her report which the nurse gave me. She's healthy, except for her slumber. She has no belongings she is the only thing I have to work with. And she is almost dead. I don't know what could have caused her to become like this. Maybe too much stress? It gives an explanation to the scars. I write it down.
"I wish you could at least say your name. It would give us something to work on." She lays still. I sigh, what was I to expect? For her to jump up and be a normal girl? "Maybe you are hopeless…" I stare at her.
Did she just move? She flinched! She moved! Maybe she's coming back…She lays still. I believe I jinxed myself. It's a start though. Something triggered it. A thought? A memory? She is thinking. She can still be recovered.
Ten minutes pass, and nothing. I got my hopes to high. There is nothing more I can do here today, so I leave with my notes. I open the door and look back at her. She lies as still as a corpse…except for her silent breaths. I close the door behind me and walk towards the door out of the patient's area.
"Did anything happen? Did she say anything? Did she move?" A nurse, she's looking for gossip.
"No, nothing happened." I lie, I don't want everyone snooping around my office or bothering her.
"Oh…" She looks disappointed, too bad.
She unlocks the door out of the patient area for me and lets me out. The door is shut behind me. I sigh and look down the hall. The floors have clean white tiles; the walls are a boring white as well. Not counting the few posters and bulletins. I walk to the cafeteria, time for lunch. Although, I'm not that hungry.
Again, I pass by the little white waiting room. No one is there. I enter the cafeteria and there is barely a line. Most of the people who work here go home to their wives or husbands for lunch, other's go out with friends. I have no spouse and few friends. I get in line and buy my lunch. I go to sit down and I see Tammy. I decide to sit with her.
"Hi, is it alright if I sit with you to eat?"
She looks up. "Sure, have a seat." I sit down and begin to eat.
She stares at me "I heard you visited the girl today." I can't believe she heard about it that fast, the nurses are really getting bad.
"How is she doing?" I consider telling her about the girl's movement.
"She's still non-responsive." Better not, she talks to the nurses.
"I see… I guess you have a lot of work to do then."
"That I do." She frowns and starts to eat. She looks a little uncomfortable.
"Am I bothering you?"
She looks up from her food.
"No, but your very quiet, why is that?" I begin to wonder if I am gossiped about.
"I'm just a serious person that's all." Maybe this is why I have so few friends.
"How long have you worked here?" Odd question.
"About 17 years. Why?"
"Maybe being around people with mental disorders have affected you."
I think about it, "Maybe it has."
After lunch I did a few scheduled appointments with other patients; a couple of teens suffering from depression, one of which faked it for attention. Another came in with a bipolar disorder. It's hard getting through to a teen with a bipolar disorder. I get into my car a drive home. On the way I see a group of young children, I wonder if one day when they're older they will be brought to me for counselling. A depressing thing to say and think, but it seems like everyone is corrupt these days. I live in an apartment in a quiet little area in London. It's rare that there is any crime in this area. I open the door to my apartment; #6, and throw my keys on the table. I start to prepare dinner for myself and begin my nightly routine. I hope tomorrow there will be progress.
XxXxXxXx Sleeping xXxXxXxX
I open my eyes. "My…head…" Some memories have come back to me. I lift my head to look around. I'm still in this fucking room. I sit up my head is pounding like you wouldn't believe… I look down and see the floor has a puddle of dried blood. There is also a little blood on the 'wedding' dress. It must have come from my nose. But how could I bleed so much and still be ok?
"You're awake."
That voice is back. "You were watching me!" This is sick. My head hurts.
"I've been keeping an eye on you the whole time."
"You're sick, sitting where ever you are…watching me bleed…" I look around but moved my head too fast and got dizzy.
"I'm not sick, you don't know sick…but you're beginning to remember I see, good."
"What are you talking about? Where the hell am I? Let me out!" Oh…my head…
"Not yet, you're not ready. But soon…then you will understand…And don't worry about your head. Pain is temporary."
What the hell is he talking about? There is no point in asking…he won't answer. If I ever find this sick bastard…I fall over. My head is in pain and now I'm dizzy. How does he know my memory came back? Am I crazy? Am I hearing voices? I need to know what is going on. A grin flashes in my mind. A toothy grin. I don't like where this is headed. I am I even controlling my own thoughts anymore? Will I die here? Only time will tell… Time and that stupid voice.
The girl screams. Nurses rush to her, trying to calm her. They hold her down and are about to inject her with a sedative when she clams down and resumes her deathly state. She stares blankly at the ceiling as she has done for the past couple of weeks.
XxXxXxXx Commotion xXxXxXxX
I came into work this morning and some of the nurses were all in a fuss. When I asked them what was going on, I was told that there was a commotion last night in the patient area. The girl woke up in the middle of the night and started screaming and before an orderly could sedate her, she quieted down and hasn't moved or done anything since then. I requested to see her right away. Something is going on. Anything she does is progress. The nurse lets me into her room. I close the door behind me. She lies perfectly still like she's been untouched, but you can see a struggle went on by looking at the blanket's. They're a bit wrinkled. She looks the same as she did yesterday except her breathing is a little laboured. Her blue eyes stare at nothing. "What is going on inside your mind?"
I leave her to her slumber. The nurses all look at me, waiting for me to tell them something extraordinary happened. I shake my head signalling that nothing happened. They all look disappointed. I tell them to keep an eye on her. She could have another outburst, better yet she could speak.
As I begin to walk down the hall back to my office I decide to go and get myself a coffee. I go to the coffee machine and a bird flies into the window next to me. It scared me and I ended up spilling my coffee on the ground. I sigh and forget about getting myself another coffee, because suddenly this day looks as if it's going to be filled with mishaps.
I look over the few notes and idea's which I have taken down, trying to piece them together. But nothing makes sense…
"Sara is here… Dr?" I look up.
Oops I dozed off. The secretary is looking at me. I get up, "Ok, send her in." I compose myself and fix my hair. She walks in.
"Come in, sit down." She sits. I've been seeing Sara once every two weeks for about a year now. She is 15 years old and suffers from depression, though you wouldn't think it by looking at her. She dresses like every teen girl does.
Dr: "How have you been?"
S: "Ok…" She is so quiet.
Dr: "Is there anything new going on that you would like to talk about?"
S: "A girl from my school killed herself a couple of weeks ago."
Dr: "And why would you bring that up?"
S: "I dunno, I guess it just made me think and stuff."
Dr: "What kind of stuff did it make you think about?" I hope it's not suicide.
S: "My friends."
Dr: "Why your friends?" Good.
S: "Well everyone says she killed herself because something happened to her only friend."
Dr: "Who was her only friend?" Not so good.
S: "This other girl who didn't have any other friends either. They were both weird."
Dr: "Weird?"
S: "Yeah, they always wore black with lots of black make-up and stuff."
Dr: "So what happened to her friend?"
S: "I think she dropped out of school then ran away or something like that. She used to come to school with bruises and there were rumours that she would cut herself."
Dr: "Did anyone know where the bruises came from or why she would cut herself?"
S: "I guess she was sad. She always had really sad eyes."
Dr: "That could be it. What made her eyes so sad?"
S: "They were a really dark blue that looked depressing." This sounds all too familiar.
Dr: "What did she look like?"
S: "Um, She had black hair to her shoulders, she was really pale, lots of black…"
Dr: "Does she look like this girl?" I hand her a picture of the 'unknown girl', taken from when police found her.
S: "Yeah…that's her. Why do you have a picture of her?" I think I am scarring her a little.
Dr: "She's a patient here…Do you know her name?"
S: "No."
Dr: "What school do you go to again? Grey Court School?"
S: "Yes."
Dr: "Thank you."
S: "You're welcome."
Dr: "So how's life at home?"
I write the name of the school down in the 'unknown' girls file. If I can contact the school they should have her name and file. This could prove to be useful.
XxXxXxXx TrueVoice xXxXxXxX
I'm going insane. I want to get out of here. I…
"You want to know who I am."
"Yes I do." The voice is back.
I don't care what will or could happen anything is better than nothing. I can't sit here any more. A smile in the corner of the room appears out of nowhere followed by two bright green, cat like eyes. It's the same smile that flashed through my mind. What is going on? A figure soon follows, it is a cat… I think. Its fur is short and a little messy, kind of like a stray, and it's anorexic looking. Can a cat be anorexic? I can see its bones. Its fur is a light grey, making it look a little sickly. It's pretty big too, bigger than a normal cat. Its ears are pointed, they look like horns. Its fur pattern looks like tattoos. Half way on the ears its black then it has black lines around its eyes and two on each cheek. There are some weird symbol patterns on each shoulder and some tribal like arm bands on its upper-front leg. The lower part on one has another weird symbol. There are a couple more symbols on its hind legs. It also has huge claws that look like they could tear open someone's throat. And its sharp teeth have blood stains. It sits in the corner watching me.
This can't be a cat. I am mad.
"Do I make you feel more at ease?" It's the same voice.
"What the fuck are you!" Its grin grows wider.
"A cat, a Cheshire Cat. Do not be disturbed." It stares at me with those green eyes.
"Cat's don't look like you or talk." What the hell is going on?
"I'm one of a kind. Just call me Cheshire, not cat." The cat starts walking towards me.
"Stay right there. Don't come near me." It stops and sits again. I can see its pointy spine sticking out of its back. Disgusting.
It laughs and its rib cage moves a little. "You haven't seen anything." It begins to disappear again.
"Wait! Where are you going?" I don't want to be left here.
The toothy grin and those eyes are the last things to disappear. This is crazy. I wake up in this little room in a wedding dress and now I'm talking to an anorexic-demon cat. I'm dreaming, this isn't real, this can't be real. I want to wake up. I start pinching myself, nothing. I start scratching at my arms with my nails, I don't wake up. Am I really here in this room? Have I lost my sanity? I start to cry. I just want to get out of here… please…
"You're almost ready…"
That cat, Cheshire. What does he mean? Why aren't I ready? Is he waiting for me to kill myself! I'm ready to kill him.
"That is the attitude you need."
The door opens a little. I get up.