Once upon a time, there was a nun named Kurogane from Under the Overpass. Um, his parents were hobos! That had long ruled the overpass with a kind and gentle yet still iron fist. Um, also there was a priest named Yukito who on Tuesday nights was often known as Sandra and would parade around in lime green fishnets and little else. On those same parades he would meet the King Formerly Known as Touya, who on every other night was simply known as Touya. They would often make sweet love long into the night, usually to the melodious strains of Barry White while drinking Kahlua shots. Touya would then go home to the um rich uh "Monastery Heights" suburbs, where he lived beside the most celibate monk on the block, Fai. Fai would often donate things to various charities, most of which involved old ladies and their hundred cats, being that his mother Not-Chii was one such person. And Syaoran and Sakura were--- one day um a pair of brownies that is the kind of scout group people group and not the delicious baked good came to the door of Fai's swanky mansion of stuff-- shiny stuff and rang the door bell.
"Good heavens, mercy me, lawdy lawdy Tallulah May, who could that be?" Fai rambled as he opened the door, wearing nothing but a pink leopard-print sock and twenty hats.
Upon opening the door he found that the pair of brownies--not delicous baked goods, remember--were selling cookies door-to-door.
"We're raising money for the Under the Overpass family," the girl on the left, who was sometimes known as Sakura said.
"Well," Fai replied, making many an obscene gesture with his right hand, "come right in. Usually I gamble all my money right gone, but I'm certain I could pay you in Monopoly dollars."
"It'll be the most we earned all week," said the male brownie, known as Syaoran by his cat if he had one.
Fai's mansion was filled with many a shining coin and nary a naked lady in sight.
"Heathens," Sakura thought to herself, "right out of his bucket."
Thusly, Fai held up his bucket full of Monopoly dollars, a shining rainbow of pink and purple and all the colours of the rainbow, which was of course implied when I said that it was a shining rainbow.
"And how many boxes of cookies would this be?"
"Oh, a half a box."
And, then in a stunning burst of out of characterness, Fai threw the bucket of money and the children out of the house, somehow stealing all of their cookies while he was at it. It wasn't until later that he realized that he should've kept the bucket of money and just thrown the children out.
Regardless of this shocking and appalling development, however, Kurogane from Under the Overpass was not pleased.
"You damn kids! How many times have I told you, if I can't get the three thousand dollars I need from cookie sales, how will I ever be able to repay my debt to Grand Moff Mokona and leave this life of nunhood?" he raged, throwing various and sundry appliances about the room (or overpass, as it were) and leaving nary a dry eye in sight.
"But sir, how can we raise three thousand dollars from cookie sales when all of our cookies have been cruelly stolen from us?" Sakura cried tearfully.
"Who has done this deed?!" Kurogane raged, leaping to his feet in a fabulous feat of dexterity and derring-do. "I will find this knave and make him kneel at my feet and kiss my feet and shine my boots and eat my... dirt and... ... punch him... with my butt."
"Sir," Syaoran asked balefully, "have you been into the fighting juice again?"
"FUCK YES I HAVE," Kurogane raged, showing that perhaps he was not as good of a nun as Grand Moff Mokona would like to believe.
Minutes later, thousands of miles away, Kurogane was walking through the streets of Monastery Heights looking for the house where that no-good darn-cheatin' kid-robbin' yellow-bellied adjective-something fag Fai may or may not have lived. As it was a Tuesday, he bumped shoulders with a tall, broad-shouldered woman with long hair and a long blue coat.
"Tomoyo?" he raged, thinking he recognized his childhood faux love-interest.
"What?" the man, as it turned out, said in a manly man voice.
"Oh, never mind," Kurogane raged dejectedly before continuing on.
"Weirdo," the King Formerly Known as Touya shot over his shoulder before continuing on to his weekly meet with Sandra.
"Yoooohooooo!" Sandra called from a window, waving a hanky like so much Rapunzel's hair.
"Reowr!" Touya said up at him, making cheetah claws with his fingers.
And no one ever heard from them again.
Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Kurogane had found the wretched hive of scum and villainy that was the dastardly Fai's house. His fists raged upon its oaken doors for twenty days and twenty nights until finally a comely man of virtue false opened them.
"Golly gumdrops," the man said, showing a little leg for emphasis, "I think you've got the wrong house."
"Why didn't you tell me so earlier?" Kurogane raged.
"Uh, I've been throwing maps at you for the past like month. Those weren't encouragement cakes." He paused for a moment, giving Kurogane many a body scan, before boldly cupping his groin like so much Volgin. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go spoon-feed my crazy mother. Her cats can't do it for her!"
Kurogane blushed.
"Okay," he raged, and left to walk into the sunset and hopefully towards destiny.
Five minutes later, thousands of miles away, Fai was washing up from feeding his crazy cat-lady mother when suddenly a large dark shape burst through his mother's chest like one of those chest monsters in Alien.
"You're a lying bitch!" Kurogane raged, decked out in full nun-ja gear. Also, nun-judge, since he was officially a legal judge in the Supreme Court of Canada also.
"Holy shit, you killed my mother! KAA-SAAAAN!"
"No Fai," Kurogane raged, "Tomoyo is your mother."
"You killed what I thought was my mother and basically told me my childhood was a lie? ...I like that in a man. Prrrowwwrrrr!"
Suddenly, he leaped at the nun-habit-clad man, and tore off his wimple in a fit of crazed passion.
"Make sweet, righteous, godly love to me!"
"Can't, sorry," Kurogane raged regretfully. "I've got a debt to pay to... Grand Moff Mokona. I assume you've heard of him?"
"Have I ever! He and I were army buddies back in the day. They used to call me G.I. Joe!"
"...Did they really?" he raged.
"Nope."
"Ohh, I like a man who fills me with sweet harmless lies! But alas, I'm forbidden to do any kind of sex-related activity until I have paid that debt off," Kurogane raged.
"Wow, what's he holding against you?"
"I have the glowy STD. Grand Moff Mokona's the only... thing with a cure."
"Well I have the glowy STD too! I got it from a needle back in my heroin days. Aka yesterday. He's got nothing on me."
"By god," Kurogane raged joyfully, "I can see forever."
So, for two blissful minutes they prepared to make hot glowy love, until Kurogane experienced sudden erectile dysfunction.
"Shit," he raged, "I forgot. Grand Moff Mokona took all my viagra too."
"Goddamnit. I have some flintstones vitamins in my medicine cabinet, would that do the trick?"
"...Only one way to find out."
And thus, Kurogane downed the entire bottle of flintstones vitamins.
"YABBA DABBA DOO!" Kurogane raged. "...Wait, no, all that did was make slightly more of a neanderthal."
"Wow, that's a feat."
"Shut the hell up, you fatty fat fat."
"Well, fine then," Fai said with a tarty wink and a song in his heart, "I'll just have to go and get the viagra for you."
"No!" Kurogane raged. "You mustn't! It's too dangerous. Grand Moff Mokona is one bad ass mother--"
"Shut your mouth!"
"But I'm talkin' bout Mokona!" Kurogane raged indignantly.
"Then I can dig it."
"It's funny how a man only thinks about the beep," Kurogane raged thoughtfully.
"I don't give a-- keep lookin' at my-- cause it don't mean a thing if you're lookin' at my--. I'm'a do my thing while you're playing with your--" Fai said, then rethought what he had just said. With a pointed nod to Kurogane's crotch, he said "or maybe I won't."
And so with those words lovingly exchanged they prepared to set out on their epic quest to retrieve Kurogane's viagra. Meanwhile, thousands of miles away, Sakura and Syaoran fretted fretfully.
"Where is that Kurogane of ours?" Sakura said tearfully. "He's been gone for nearly a month. I'm half-expecting him to turn up in a gutter on the tail end of some bender."
"Just like every other month," Syaoran sighed.
Meanwhile, in a gutter...
"God, what did I do last night?" Kurogane raged, very very hung-over.
"Not me, that's my guess," Fai said, pointing to Kurogane's ever-flaccid dongle. "What were we supposed to be doing, anyway?"
"Looking for... uh... viagra, right, viagra."
"Ohh yeah."
Fortunately their very drug-induced bender (as opposed to the non-drug-induced benders) had lead them to the gutter in front of the front steps to Grand Moff Mokona's lair, disguised as an orphanage for kittens and puppies and ugly Spartan children, most of which were indistinguishable from the kittens and puppies.
"My god, I should've known this was the base of his sordid operations," Kurogane raged in shock, making one of those shocked noises that anime characters manage to make with their mouths closed.
"Well, it does say so right under the sign."
"Well, I never said I could read, cockbreath."
"Maybe I would have cock breath if you weren't so--"
Kurogane punched him in the eye.
Suddenly, in the form of a very ill-conceived deus ex machina, Sakura and Syaoran appeared!
"Sir!" Syaoran said obsequiously, "we looked everywhere for you! Everywhere except where you actually were!"
"Good work, children," Kurogane raged proudly and paternally. "Now we can settle this debt once and for all, as a sick, twisted and rather dysfunctional family, but a family nevertheless."
"Like the Manson Family!" Fai cheered.
"Yes, just like that, you silly tart."
Sakura and Syaoran looked at each other.
"But sir, we already have parents and families, you can't just--"
"To Mokona's Orphanage for Kittens and Puppies and Ugly Spartan Children and Sordid Operations!"
They sauntered in while Eye of the Tiger raged in the background, as played by Fai on the oboe with Syaoran's accompaniment on the mandolin.
"I like that shit," Kurogane raged. "I like it a lot."
Eventually they reached the stronghold's inner sanctum, where thousands of angry Spartan children were gathered.
"This is madness!" Sakura wept.
"Madness?" Kurogane raged clichédly. "This! Is! Sparta!"
They began and long and drawn out battle with the Spartans, in which nary a man kept their limbs and nary a maid kept her virtue, mostly because Sakura and Syaoran had decided that now was the perfect time to get married, just like in Pirates of the Caribbean 3. Kurogane, of course, married them, being that he was a judge for the Supreme Court of Canada, not to mention a Lady of God.
"Being that I am married to the lord," Kurogane raged matter-of-factly, "even if it's only for the time being, I know how this shit goes down."
"You're a married man?" Fai said. "God, adultery is such a turn-on. If only your dick worked."
Soon, the battle was won, and nary a Spartan child was spared. Suddenly, not only did Grand Moff Mokona aka Whitey loom ahead, but so did its common-law partner, Archdeacon Mokona aka Blacky.
"Stop!" cried the Archdeacon aka Blacky.
"This is an unholy demon, I'm sending it back to hell, where it belongs!" Kurogane raged in a frothing religious fervor. "Whitey's always keepin' me down!"
"Kurogane," Whitey said, "little did you realize that you never needed the viagra. It was you all along! As you can see, the heart-pounding heat of battle has unlocked your true power to... 'love'."
He pointed to Kurogane's pants, which were, as Mokona had suspected, rather impressively tented.
"...So you mean every time I want to bone Fai I have to go out and slay thousands of children?"
"Yep."
"...Yeah, that's not gonna work. Gimme my viagra."
The last boss battle music began to blare as the final showdown began, but in a stunning visual pun, all of a sudden the stock market literally crashed-- through the ceiling!
"Well, what's this?" Whitey said, holding the crashed stock market aloft like a chalice of hope and purity. "Apparently now... what's that? ...The dollar is worthless? Apparently everybody's paying for things with Monopoly money."
Sakura and Syaoran gasped simultaneously, as anime characters so often do. Sakura reached into her voluminous drawers and pulled out... Fai's fabulous bucket of Monopoly money that he had thrown out the door all those long years ago.
"Kurogane! You can use this!" Sakura said, and threw the bucket at him. It arced gracefully like a rainbow across the sky, and landed at Kurogane's enormous manly steel-toed-boot-clad feet without dropping a single flimsy bill.
"Whitey!" Kurogane raged, pointing dramatically. "This Monopoly money here-- how much is there?"
"I'd say... over nine thousand dollars, by the look of it," Whitey said. He added, "Puu!" just to regain some vestiges of his original characterization.
"With this... with this, I'll buy my viagra back from you, and regain my family's honour!"
"And also your ability to get boners, more impotently," Fai said with an ironic Freudian slip. He nudged Kurogane's package with a plastic Harry Potter wand he had been keeping in his back pocket for emergencies such as this.
"Yes, also that."
And so, Kurogane bought his viagra back from Mokona, repaid all his debts, and was able to live the way he wanted to--not as a nun.
"Oh Kuro-baby-honey-sweetie-dumpling-pumpkin-daddy-schnookums," Fai sighed contentedly, "that whole journey was worth it just to--"
"Shut up," Kurogane raged. "The kids are still here."
"Actually, we've been here the whole time," Syaoran said. "The door was locked and we couldn't get out and... well, we saw everything. Now we know more about sex than we ever wanted or needed to know, ever."
"Fai's thingy is still glowing, Syaoran! Why is it glowing?"
"Because of um... fairy dust."
And so, they all lived as one big happy family, and spent the rest of their days under the overpass like so many generations before them, making love and drinking sweet, sweet fighting juice long into the night.