Originally written for rtchallenge's August ficathon on Live Journal with the prompts:
"I Think It's Going To Rain today" by Katie Melua, photo of a girl peeking out from under bedcovers, first person
Summary: Set in early DH.Tonks goes from ecstasy to agony when Remus' reaction to her special piece of news isn't all she dreamed it would be.
Author's Note: My first fic for public consumption! All concrit will be very much appreciated.
It's the morning after Bill and Fleur's wedding and I wake up feeling happy, which is odd because the world has gone to hell around me, Scrimgeour's dead, Death Eaters have taken over the Ministry, Harry, Ron and Hermione have vanished to who knows where, the Death Eaters questioned the rest of us for hours and my parents have been tortured, but I just feel happy. My body's tingling, just like when I'm metamorphosing, has been for a few days I realise. That's weird. I haven't morphed anything other than my hair since Remus and I got married. I'm still musing on the sensations in my body when Remus stirs beside me.
"Good morning sweetheart" he greets me sleepily and I shift in bed to look at him and kiss him good morning. He smiles at me, his hair falling into his face adorably.
"How about breakfast in bed?" he asks softly as he kisses me back.
"That would be lovely" I reply snuggling deeper into the duvet, because we are still newlyweds too and Bill and Fleur do not have the monopoly on cosy couple moments. Maybe that's it, I'm happy because I'm happily married and waking up in bed with my husband is the best feeling in the world.
Remus gets up out of bed and my eyes follow him as he leaves the room. I stretch out under the covers and as I pull down my top that has ridden up my hands smooth over my stomach and I realise that that's where the tingling feelings have been coming from. That's weird. I wonder what that's about? Oh my god could I be……. A grin spreads across my face. But it's impossible I think, we're always so careful. And then it hits me; we weren't, one night we weren't. The night we retrieved Harry from Privet Drive, grief over Mad-Eye, relief that we both made it in one piece, and we weren't careful. Apprehensive but unable to stop grinning I sit up, grab my wand from the bedside table, pull up my top and perform the charm. I hold my breath for a second and then it happens, my stomach glows, and that's it, I am. I'm pregnant.
A million thoughts crowd my mind, I'm so stupid. We're at war. How can I have a baby now. Why weren't we careful, we're always careful. I can't have a baby now, we only just got married, it's too soon. How can I fight if I'm pregnant. I can't have a baby now. People need me and I've let them down. I can't have a baby now. But I can't stop a smile spreading across my face and my thoughts are pushed out by visions of babies and children. Gurgling little babies splashing in baths, cute little boys who look just like Remus and darling little girls with pink hair. Remus will be a fantastic dad; he's so patient and wonderful. Oh Merlin I hope I don't drop him or her. Maybe I'll get Remus to carry them everywhere; I'll just hold them sitting down.
I slide back down onto the bed and pull the covers over my head whilst grinning madly. We're going to have a baby! To hell with the war and everything else. We're going to have a baby and that's the most wonderful thing ever! I start giggling at myself because I've really never been this soppy before. When all my friends were getting silly over weddings and babies, I was just finishing Auror training. I'd worked so hard to get there I damn well wasn't going to give it up for some man. It's kind of ironic that now I've had to. But being Remus' wife means the world to me, nothing else matters when I'm with him. And now we're going to have a baby! We'll be a family and the thought of that makes me giggle even more.
I'm still giggling with the covers over my head when I hear Remus return to the room. I hear him place the tray on the bedside table on his side and feel him sit on the bed.
"Darling what are you doing in there?" he pulls the duvet down so he can just see part of my face. He's smiling at me and I grin up at him unable to stop my giggles.
"Silly girl, don't you want your breakfast", he teases as he kisses my forehead.
I sit up abruptly.
"Hell yes, gimme that. I'm eating for two now!"
Oh hell did I just say that out loud? I didn't mean to tell him like that. I stop and sneak a peek over at Remus, he's sat frozen and all the blood has drained from his face.
"What?….What did you?…Did you just?…Dora?" he pleads with me to explain, like he hopes he's heard me wrong. I bite my lip and turn to face him properly, unable to stop the smile on my face but unable to look him in the eye either.
"Remus…I'm", I summon all my courage to look him in the eye, "I'm pregnant".
He doesn't say anything just looks at me like he can't quite believe what he's hearing. I pull my eyes from his and look down at my hands clasped in my lap. I draw a deep breath.
"I know what you're thinking", I say, "I know this is not the best time to have a baby. I know that we are at war. I know that the world has become this horrible scary place and a baby shouldn't have to face this. I know this is going to make me less than useless to the Order. And I know that we only just got back together, got married, and I wish this hadn't happened so soon……but it's our baby Remus, our baby". Beaming I look back up at him, but I can't read his expression and that scares me more than anything. It reminds me that we've had so little time together since our reconciliation, this has happened way too soon; we're not ready for this. I hardly know him now, not like I did, but we're so much closer than we were, he's my husband now, not just my boyfriend and the bed we sleep in is ours, not just mine or his.
He rises from the bed and starts pacing the room with his hands clasped behind his back and a serious expression on his face. This is not good. This is not the reaction I thought I'd get when I told Remus I was pregnant. Not that I'd really thought about it, just maybe once or twice, but isn't that what a girl's supposed to think about when she gets married. But this isn't good, he's not even looking at me, just pacing up and down the room. I lie back down in bed and pull the covers over me snuggling up in them as a form of comfort. I desperately want to feel his arms around me, for him to kiss me and tell me that it's going to be ok. But he doesn't, he just continues to pace the room. I watch as he paces over to the window and stares out, not saying anything.
Over his shoulder the sky is grey and looks like rain, and I can't help thinking that it's very apt. My soul feels very grey right now, but the sun of Remus' smile would warm me right up. Oh listen to me getting poetic at a time like this. The silence has become oppressive over the room now and I feel myself wanting to say something, anything just to cover the silence, but for the first time in my life I don't speak, I just wait for him. After what seems like hours, days, but what is probably only a few minutes, he turns back from the window and looks at me but still does not say anything.
Then he walks over to the wardrobe, removes a case from the top of it, opens it and starts placing clothes in the case. I jump up out of bed, alarmed, what the hell is going on here. He can't be leaving me, can he? Not now? Tears are gathering in my eyes and I rush over to him.
"Remus, what's going on, what are you doing…….are those my clothes?", and I can't stop the tears from falling.
"Yes, I think you should go to your mother's, it's not safe here", he says tensely.
"What? But we've been fine up till now! We'll be ok. I can take care of myself Remus!" I cry, swiping the tears away from my face.
"Not now", he answers "I have to go away….on….on Order business and….and it's not safe for you here, not now", nodding towards my stomach as he speaks.
I pull my arms around me, tears falling steadily now and can't quite believe this is happening to me, it's supposed to be a happy time isn't it? Telling your husband that you're expecting your first baby. But it isn't happy for me. I draw a deep breath and ask the question that is filling my heart with dread.
"You're not leaving me are you?"
He stops and looks at me for a minute but then continues putting clothes into the case without saying anything. And I realise that there are none of his clothes being put into the case and I ask again.
"You are coming with me aren't you?"
"I have work to do Dora, I need you to be safe, you'll be safer at your parent's house".
"But I want to stay with you" and I know I'm becoming whiny and this isn't helping. I move behind him and thread my arms around his waist, pulling myself closer I lay my cheek against his back. He doesn't react or turn and embrace me like he normally would, but continues packing. This feels wrong and I don't know what to do.
He moves out of my arms and finishes packing the case, including collecting my toiletries from the bathroom. In any other situation I would think it was cute, watching him pack for me, him knowing exactly what I need to take. But this isn't cute, this is scary and he still hasn't said anything about the baby. He looks up at me.
"You should get dressed Tonks", and I flinch.
Tonks, he just called me Tonks. He never calls me Tonks, always Dora or Nymphadora just to infuriate me, but never Tonks. Shocked I walk over to the wardrobe and pull out the remaining pair of jeans and a t-shirt and pull them on. But I still feel cold. Numbly I walk back over the bed and sit as he dresses himself quickly. He reaches for his cloak and then turns to me.
"Are you ready?"
And I nod, not knowing what else to do, not knowing how to stop this happening. My heart feels like its frozen and my head feels fuzzy, but when he hands me my cloak I follow him out of the door.
As we walk down the road towards the apparation point, neither of us says a word. He holds the case in one hand but doesn't reach for my hand with the other, like he would normally have done. In fact, I realise that he has hardly touched me at all since I told him, all physical interaction between us has been from me, he didn't even brush my fingers as he handed me my cloak. I feel sick; my marriage is falling apart before it's even started. I'm so cold; I'm not sure whether it's the mist and rain of the day or the ache in my heart that's making me feel this way.
We arrive at Mum and Dad's and he opens the gate for me and at the door he answers Mum's security questions and I just stand there looking at the garden, trying desperately to keep a hold of my emotions. Mum ushers us into the house, Dad appears, sweeps me up into a big hug and I cry into his shoulder.
"Ssssh sweetheart it's ok, did something happen Remus?" Dad asks him.
I can't look at him but I hear him answer.
"Not exactly, but I….I err…have to go away….and she's safer here."
I cry even more at that. Mum offers him a cup of tea but he refuses saying he must be off. At that I pull out of Dad's arms, run to him and wrap my arms around him, hugging him so tightly.
"I love you Remus, please take care", I whisper into his chest.
He kisses the top of my head and then pulls away from me. He looks at me intently like he's trying to fix my image in his mind and then re-opens the front door. He says goodbye as he heads out but I hardly hear him. Tears streaming down my face I watch him walk out the gate and then apparate away.
I stand looking at the place I last saw him for ages, it's still raining and misty and I'm getting cold but I don't care. I'm holding onto my image of him with everything I have. I feel like I'm never going to see him again, I don't think I'm going to see him again. Anything could happen to him out there and I might never know. Surely they would tell me if he dies, surely someone will tell me. But what if they don't. I don't think I can stand it. I feel sick, I feel weak and most of all I just feel heart broken. I don't have to look in a mirror to know my hair's gone mousy brown. I wrap my arms around me and collapse to the floor in a ball of tears. The world's gone to hell, my love's left me again, and I'm going to have a baby. If this is life, I don't want to live it.