DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN SWEENEY TODD OR TOBIAS RAGS. He wasn't that good in bed. Had to feed him to the cannibals.
Authors Note: My sexy friend, masquerade maquette, and I wrote this beastly piece of crack fiction. It was rather fun. Check her out cause... she's short. Short people need love too. Oh and she's awesome.
It was a gloomy day on Fleet Street, and ultimately a Wednesday, when Mrs. Lovett remembered how special hump day was and how uniquely awesome it could be. She recalled this story Toby was once telling her one afternoon, an afternoon much like the one she was experiencing now….
"Ma'am!" Screeched Toby through here closed bedroom door. "I don't need to talk to ya!"
"Then go away!" Screamed Mrs. Lovett. This was her special alone time, if you know what I mean.
"But I don't want to see ya!" Said Toby.
She looked to her bedroom door in confusion. Was this boy going through his time of month or drinking too much of the gin and juice? Confusion getting the better of her, Nellie regretfully took her hands out of her dress and went to answer the door.
"What ya want?" She stated, obviously distressed.
Toby just gave her a cheeky grin and then screamed "HAPPY OPPOSITE DAY MUM!" and then slapped her right in the face.
"WHAT THE HELL!" Screamed Nellie, "YOU JUST CAN'T HIT ME LIKE THAT! AND WHAT THEBLOODY HELL IS OPPOSITE DAY?"
"I'm not going to tell you." Said Toby, "Opposite isn't the day when you do the opposite of everything you do all the time every Wednesday. Don't get it mum? Hello!" He then just ran down the hallway connected to the living room, ready for some more gin.
'What the fuck…' Thought Nellie, 'That boy needs to lay off the drink.' She then turned back into her room because she had better things to do. Like touch herself. Nasty woman.
After whatever she calls her "special alone time", she proceeded to the pie shop and up the stairs of none other than Sweeney Todd's tonsorial parlor. She still didn't understand what Toby meant. She swore she knew what opposite meant. Mrs. Lovett felt stupid that she, honestly, didn't know. Maybe it was because Sweeney invaded her mind ever so often? Or, -like most times-, the gin. Ehh, who gives a bloody rat's ass, she thought. Knocking on the door at least fifty times, she got suspicious and had her mind in the gutter for a few moments as to why he didn't answer. She knew that he never answers when Anthony pops in for a tick...or two...or- She shuddered. She really didn't need to think about Sweeney that way right now.
On the fifty third knock Mr. Todd finally opened his parlor door. 'Nuttin suspicious going on here.' She thought.
"What do you want, Mrs. Lovett?" Asked Sweeney in his usual melancholy state. He really needs to get laid.
"Love, wots opposite day mean?"
"Opposite day is the day in which you do the opposite of everything you do all the time every Wednesday."
"Oh…" Sighed Nellie, "I see, Mr. Toad" she said with confusion written all over her face.
"Since when am I called Mr. Toad, Mrs. Humpet?" Snarled Sweeney.
"We need to get back at Toby." Said Nellie, oblivious to her new nickname, "He's either downstairs drinking or out on the street eating dirt, I reckon. What should we do, Mr. Toad? That little bugger slapped me!"
"Well, Mrs. Humpet, I could kill him-"
"NO. You don't need a slice 'im head. Just, I don't know.. scare 'im a bit." Said Mrs. Humpet, trying to cover the fear entering her face.
"I could bring him down to the boiler room and go all Freddy Krugger on him or I could go all Judge Turpin and molest him-"
"Mr. Toad-"
"But he would probably like that. I am a sadistically handsome murderer, what's not to love?"
"Mr. Toad-"
"I certainly love myself. Got damn it I'm such a pretty boy. Sometimes I really blow myself away-"
"MR. TOAD!" Screamed Mrs. Humpet, finally breaking Sweeney out of his rambling spell. "I NEED YOU STOP YOUR MUMBLING AND LISTEN TO ME FOR ONCE!"
"What the fuck do you want to tell me now? Don't make me go all ninja barber on you!" Mr. Toad screamed while pulling out his trusty razor.
Mrs. Humpet took the razor from his hand and put it to his throat. "Don't make me go all sexual baker on you!" Well actually that's not a bad idea, Mr. Toad thought.
"Now listen to me!" Nellie led Sweeney into his barber shop and sat him down in the chair. She knelt down beside him and told him her plan. "So... we are supposed to NOT scare him, then put him in the cupboard and don't take him out?" Sweeney asked in confusion.
"NO! Why don't you ever listen to me!"
"'Cause you bloody suck at telling shit you stupid whore!" Nellie was taken back from this. Or was she? She didn't know. She doesn't know a fucking thing these days.
"Don't know diddly-squat" Sweeney murmured under his breath.
"What?" Asked Nellie.
"Nothing...stupid nit."
He rose from the chair that he made so crappily and paced the room. As Sweeney thought of a MUCH better plan, Nellie watched his figure move about the room. She thought about how his pants were so friggin' tall and how tight they were that the fact that his balls would be so compressed that they would just drop already. My, and what an ass! He sure can butt flex...
"I got it!" Shouted Sweeney, "We make Toby run about the pie shop in women's underwear while singing "I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transsexual Transylvania!""
Nellie stared at him with awe, half of her mind still twaddling on his ass and the other about how his plan is so much better than hers!
She raised her hand like she was in kindergarten. That's actually the time when she dropped out of school. Dumbass. Sweeney sighed, "Yes?"
"Um, well we women don't really wear underwear. I jus' 'ave me bloomers."
"THEN HE SHALL GO COMANDO." Boomed Sweeney with a maniacal glint in his eyes.
Mrs. Humpet, wanting to get as far away from her beloved demon barber as possible, started walking backwards toward the door.
"I'll just go get 'im then." She said while zipping out of the salon door. No one wanted to be around Sweeny when he was thinking about naked little boys. No one.
Nellie was so swept up in her thoughts that she accidently ran into that little devil Toby while walking down the hallway to her room. They both had an intense stare down. Toby knew he was in deep shit for slapping Mrs. Humpet. He just didn't comprehend the full extent of his in shitness. Poor Toby.
"You," started Mrs. Humpet, '"are in big shit. Now get naked. It's time for your prostate exam."
"Say what?" Was all Toby could get out before a forceful Nellie was on him like a cat in heat. She started to tear away at his clothing whilst mumbling about how Mr. Toad will love her when she had a bevan naked little boys for him.
Finally, after a few moments of struggling, Toby was fully naked. Mrs. Humpet nodded in approval and mumbled 'Yes… This will do'. She then started to drag him off to Sweeney's room with a triumphant grin on her face.
She pulled him out the door when she realized her shop was open and the customers were there eating the left over pies. When the door closed, they all were wide-eyed when they saw the naked fairy child.
"Prostate exam." Nellie said quietly. They all nodded because it WAS the right thing to do to a fairy child. It may grow wings, you never know.
They reached the parlor only to be greeted by Mr. T. He stared at Toby's willy. Cliché. Nellie was in an awkward situation because she could tell Mr. T was quite fascinated at the tiny...oh so tiny sight, so she kicked Toby's bare naked butt into the shop and whispered to Sweeney, "You should also scare him by actually giving him a prostate exam." Sweeney was delighted. "Ahh! It's great to get a sense of my old night job!"
"Night job? What the fuck Toad. You're seriously messed up. Now explain the rules to little Tobias over 'er. He's a wee bit confused I think."
Sweeney knelt down to Toby and got all up and in his personal bubble. With a hand on the younger boy's shoulder, Sweeney explained The Plan.
Toby's face scrunched up with disgust after he heard Sweeny's and Humpet's great plan.
"You 'ant me to run round buck ass naked and express my joy towards being a transvestite? No way in hell am I doing that!"
"Toby sweetie, we don't want you to do it, we're forcing you to do it." And with that Mrs. Humpet pushed a nude Toby out Sweeny's door, down a flight of stairs and into the sea of Mrs. Humpet's customers which were all now staring at the prostate examless nude boy.
"Go ahead boy, get a move on with it." Whispered Nellie.
Toby gulped. Why oh why did he participate in opposite day?
He looked above to the sky, seeking guidance but all he saw was Sweeney's beautifully chiseled face glaring at him. He gulped yet again when he saw Sweeny mouth the words 'Run naked boy, run.'
'Well,' he thought, 'here goes nothing.'
Toby started to run around the patio outside of the pie shop screeching "I'M JUST A SWEET TRANSVESTITE FROM TRANSEXUAL TRANSYLVANIA!"
Some people cheered when they saw this little act of child pornography, some retched. The putrid display before most persuaded lots of customers to leave, leaving little naked Toby out in the cold with his junk hanging out.
Sweeney was laughing hysterically above from his post on the balcony in front of his parlor. Mrs. Humpet was laughing along with him. She eventually coughed up some blood while laughing but eh. Who cared? Nellie's a player and a downright whore.
All of the sudden, Sweeny's and Nellie's laughter along with Toby's singing was interrupted with a large ripping noise.
All heads were turn towards the source of the noise but none were prepared for what they say.
A huge rip in time and space started to tear open, revealing a large bus spiraling towards Toby at ad least 90 mph. The bus sweepingly crashed into Toby without a seconds thought instantly killing the poor child. Then the bus, along with Toby disappeared from sight with a pop.
"Well…. No prostate exam for me." Was all Sweeney could say.
"Eh well, you could always give me one." Said Mrs. Humpet with a cheeky smile. "Besides, I never really liked Toby much. Drank my gin. That lil hoe."