Five Years
I have worked for five years with a man... a man whose extreme beliefs and crazy ideas have caused me more grief and pain than many people experience in one lifetime. Five years. Five years exploring worlds I never knew existed and fighting enemies I never knew I had.
During these five years, I have lost so much. So many people close to me. I have been tested and re-tested, pushed to the limit of both physical and mental endurance. Throughout this time, I have been alone... alone in my mind and in my spirit. I once dreamt dreams of happiness and peace, but now those dreams have disappeared. Where those dreams once were, I am left with persistent nightmares, or the dreamless sleep of exhaustion. But this man has been there for me. I could never force myself to tell him when I had a problem, but he somehow knew. Whenever I felt as if I couldn't go on, he was there with a comforting word or a reassuring caress on the small of my back, as I walked through the door with him on another frightening journey in pursuit of the truth. I only wish we could be happier in our lives. We put up a front, trying to make each other believe that we are strong, when we both know that it's a lie. We spend so much of our time being sad. I wish we could enjoy some moments in happiness, not in sorrow.
And yet, somehow, I have lived through all this and kept my sanity as well. With all these losses, I have also been given things... gifts I have yet to understand. I don't know if I ever will understand them. I have seen things- things I never thought possible, even in my dreams. As I have seen these things- against my will... against the logical principles I have learned to trust and adhere to... I have found myself starting to believe in what I have seen- and starting to believe in him.
This man, who for so long seemed consumed completely with his pain and his problems and his sadness has become my support, my hope, and, at times, my very reason for living. His insensitivity which, for the longest time, I found irritating and chauvinistic, has changed in the time I've known him. Without him noticing, the layers he had built up around himself as protection against the cruel realities of the world (realities of which he had already experienced too many), have fallen away. I have seen him as he truly is... I have seen him without the pain. I have seen him on the rare occasion when he flashed a smile. It was in those moments that I realized that there was a man inside capable of happiness and compassion. It was in those moments that I knew I loved him.
This is a man who has stood by my side through the worst times of my life. I spent months fighting an unseen invader in my body. An invader which fed on my strength, a strength which he fought to give back to me. As he has given me his strength, I have tried to return it to him and help him cope during his own hard times. Although I know he appreciates my efforts, I feel as if his problems run deeper that any person can fix on their own.
Five years. Five years with this man. It's hard to believe. There is so much that I want to leave behind... ignore... but in a way I will never forget it. It was in these five years- a mere second in the vastness of time- that I met a man- and that man has changed my life forever. And that is something I never want to forget.
Though he may never know how I felt about him, and I will probably never know how he feels about me, I think that he knows in his heart how I feel... as I know in my heart that he feels the same way.
It's amazing how five years can change a person.
I have worked for five years with a man... a man whose extreme beliefs and crazy ideas have caused me more grief and pain than many people experience in one lifetime. Five years. Five years exploring worlds I never knew existed and fighting enemies I never knew I had.
During these five years, I have lost so much. So many people close to me. I have been tested and re-tested, pushed to the limit of both physical and mental endurance. Throughout this time, I have been alone... alone in my mind and in my spirit. I once dreamt dreams of happiness and peace, but now those dreams have disappeared. Where those dreams once were, I am left with persistent nightmares, or the dreamless sleep of exhaustion. But this man has been there for me. I could never force myself to tell him when I had a problem, but he somehow knew. Whenever I felt as if I couldn't go on, he was there with a comforting word or a reassuring caress on the small of my back, as I walked through the door with him on another frightening journey in pursuit of the truth. I only wish we could be happier in our lives. We put up a front, trying to make each other believe that we are strong, when we both know that it's a lie. We spend so much of our time being sad. I wish we could enjoy some moments in happiness, not in sorrow.
And yet, somehow, I have lived through all this and kept my sanity as well. With all these losses, I have also been given things... gifts I have yet to understand. I don't know if I ever will understand them. I have seen things- things I never thought possible, even in my dreams. As I have seen these things- against my will... against the logical principles I have learned to trust and adhere to... I have found myself starting to believe in what I have seen- and starting to believe in him.
This man, who for so long seemed consumed completely with his pain and his problems and his sadness has become my support, my hope, and, at times, my very reason for living. His insensitivity which, for the longest time, I found irritating and chauvinistic, has changed in the time I've known him. Without him noticing, the layers he had built up around himself as protection against the cruel realities of the world (realities of which he had already experienced too many), have fallen away. I have seen him as he truly is... I have seen him without the pain. I have seen him on the rare occasion when he flashed a smile. It was in those moments that I realized that there was a man inside capable of happiness and compassion. It was in those moments that I knew I loved him.
This is a man who has stood by my side through the worst times of my life. I spent months fighting an unseen invader in my body. An invader which fed on my strength, a strength which he fought to give back to me. As he has given me his strength, I have tried to return it to him and help him cope during his own hard times. Although I know he appreciates my efforts, I feel as if his problems run deeper that any person can fix on their own.
Five years. Five years with this man. It's hard to believe. There is so much that I want to leave behind... ignore... but in a way I will never forget it. It was in these five years- a mere second in the vastness of time- that I met a man- and that man has changed my life forever. And that is something I never want to forget.
Though he may never know how I felt about him, and I will probably never know how he feels about me, I think that he knows in his heart how I feel... as I know in my heart that he feels the same way.
It's amazing how five years can change a person.