General Notes

Pairings: Hannah x Elizabeth, Sebastian x Ciel to a lesser extent Sebastian x Hannah, Ciel x Elizabeth vs. Ciel & Elizabeth (family love), Sebastian & Elizabeth (friendship)

Warnings: Yaoi and yuri as well as some het, sexual content, a few OC's when they're needed. Massive amounts of angst. Purple prose in spades. Oh, and if any of the pairings mentioned above make you want to gouge your eyes out or you are very supportive of Ciel x Lizzy as a romantic couple, I would not recommend this fic to you.

Notes: This is in no way intended to be anti!Ciel x Elizabeth. It is a deconstruction, yes, but not meant to be offending. Despite Hannah's (and some other anime-only characters') presence, this is a manga-based fanfic. All anime-only canon will be ignored. Just in case you wonder, I will be sticking with Yana Toboso's character design for Hannah. So no giant boobs, I don't want to ruin my back even writing about those nightmare-inducing Double-H cups. Please be kind with my grammar. I'm still not perfect at English, so if you feel like I violated your beautiful language, got American and British English mixed up (that happens a lot to me) or used the wrong expressions for that time period, just tell me, I will correct it immediatly.

Betareader:Don't have one yet. Anyone who is fluent in English and would like to volunteer can message me.

Enjoy :-)

(Chapter 1)

A/N: I love writing about Lizzy. I can't really say why, I just love it. The different layers of her personality are interesting to explore and she is so delightfully torn apart between who she is and who she tries to be. 3 That's the stuff angst is made of! :D Just in case you haven't guessed it yet, I love angst.

By the way, the OC's I mention are meant to be annoying and they will probably not show up again after this and the next chapter. If you want to kill them, I have achieved what I was aiming for. ~hands out free pitchforks~

BGM: Paramore - Decode

„... but rumour has it both must have been meeting for months before they were eventually caught red-handed by Lord Richmond's son who happened to be around East End that night. He was shocked at the sight, but who would not have been? Just imagine it! Those two grown-up people kissing in that cheap tavern, disguised as common people, surrounded by drunks and prostitutes … Revolting, isn't it? And why would they have an affair like that in the first place? Such an honourable man and his business partner's house maid … Let me ask you one thing, Lady Elizabeth: Where have good manners gone? This society has become corrupt to the core. It's not just the common crowd anymore. I wonder how the poor wife must be feeling? Oh dear god, the shame! I don't know her too well, but she always seemed like a very nice person to me, slightly naive maybe, but she surely does not deserve this treatment. Poor thing! And as if it was not scandalous enough already …"

Elizabeth suppressed a yawn. Or a cough. Or a scream. Or whatever it was that made her throat itch like that and her head hurt so much – at this point, she could not tell anymore, and neither did she care. After trying to follow the endless monologue for what felt like hours, she was tired of Lady Catherine's endless rants and barely listened anymore, just nodded her head every once in a while when she thought it right and tried her best to force a smile.

It was exhausting nevertheless.

As much as Elizabeth enjoyed meaningless small talk about dresses and hairdos, she had never been one to gossip – her mother had taught her to be chivalrous and honest, not to badmouth people behind their backs. That was what a dirty coward would do, not a true lady of noble birth and virtue.

Furthermore, she personally despised Lady Catherine. It was a notion she could not fight off – the elder woman was an overall terrible person to be around, arrogant, rude and always looking for a way to look down upon other people. Her false 'holier than thou' attitude was infamous among the upper class folks of London, as were her long, melodramatic speeches about all the minor (and sometimes major) scandals she had heard about somewhere.

Her high-pitched, cold voice did not make things any better. Every syllable felt like a sharp blade scraping over the inside of Elizabeth's skull that made listening nigh impossible and almost drove the young lady insane.

She wondered how Wilhelmina, Catherine's Prussian niece who had come to London for some studies over the summer, could possibly bear with that all day. The other girl, slightly younger than Elizabeth, seemed fully awake and listening, sometimes making a witty remark with her harsh, yet oddly charming accent and never took her eyes of Ciel whom she obviously was much too fond of considering the fact that the woman he was engaged to was standing right next to him all this time.

It was the same as ever – Ciel, who sure had become more and more handsome over the years, was the unwilling centre of female attention. Elizabeth could not remember when exactly it happened, but at one point, the ladies had started ignoring the sinfully beautiful Sebastian and instead were all over his master. There was an endless tune of shameful mumbling and coquettish giggling that surrounded them wherever they went, but Ciel paid just as much attention to them as Sebastian did, which meant: None. In fact, the latter did not even seem to realize he had lost his title as the number one women's magnet to his master or that he had ever possessed this title in the first place.

Both of them could be so awfully ignorant and naive …

Trying her best not to sigh loudly, the marchioness took a sideward glance at her fiancé standing next to her, with his butler right behind him. Both had the same look of boredom painted upon their faces like by some invisible artist's hand … and that artist was a cynic.

Ciel did not even pretend to listen. There was no need for him to be polite; the Lady was not a business partner of his or of any importance to him at all – she was just an ordinary baroness who happened to have too much time on her hands.

However, this was nothing Elizabeth would have been worried over, she knew quite well that her cousin was rather antisocial unless playing nice could get him any benefits.

No, it was the fact that Ciel quite openly ignored both the baroness and her niece. He did not even bother looking at their direction while his expressions remained so blank it almost appeared surreal.

All that why Lady Wilhelmina tried her best to get his attention which said something.

She snickered rather loudly when she was not supposed to and generally went out of her way to show her interest in him while letting her lovely pout form a flirtatious smile and fluttering her eyelids in the least subtle way possible.

Yet, her attempts were in vain.

Not once did Ciel's eyes wander over her delicate features or the dark green dress that covered her petite figure, not once were they captivated by her big, brown, doll-like eyes or rested upon her sensual lips for even a second.

It was incomprehensible to Elizabeth who herself was all but smitten with the other girl's beauty. Chocolate hair, porcelain skin, small and breakable like a lily – Wilhelmina was everything Elizabeth was not, but apparently women like her were not Ciel's type either.

On the other hand, the earl did not pay attention to any of the girls attending this dance party; it seemed the patterns of the walls were a lot more interesting to him, for he stared at them as if the vivid colours had completely mesmerized him and sucked his soul right out of his mouth.

Nervously tugging at her white laced gloves, Elizabeth scolded herself for letting her own fantasy getting the better of her.

Sucking his soul out. As if such a thing was possible …

Yet, even knowing that she was just being foolish, she surely did not like the image. She had seen enough already, had spent too many nights in panic, trying to soothe that burning fear in her chest while counting each and every beat of her racing heart. She had encountered the soulless, those walking corpses, and had struck them down with her own two hands. Ever since then, she had feared nothing more than Ciel becoming like that.

And more often than not, it really seemed as if whatever had once made him the Ciel she knew was slowly fading. Something right beneath his skin grew paler each day. His words had begun to lose their colours and so did his movements, his smile, his everything. There were times, just like now, when he appeared just like the waning moon – more and more consumed by the blue-ish black nightsky, his face hidden beneath a mask of indifference that was all too real and yet so fake.

What thoughts did he keep hidden right in this second? Where did his mind seek shelter? And why did he not even open up to his Elizabeth, his cousin and fiancée, to whom he once had been so close?

A strange sensation, like a cold breeze crawling underneath her clothes, startled her. She did not care whether Ciel listened to Lady Catherine or not, but a part of her wished he would just wake up from his boredom-induced trance and show a reaction to something.

Seeing him in this state of apathy was the last thing Elizabeth wanted. It frightened her. And quickly, that overwhelming fear took a firm hold of her, chilling her to the bone.

Hallucinating, that was probably it. She was imagining things that were not there. Her thoughts had gone awry and now she had started seeing things – it was normal, she tried to convince herself. She had had a rough time during the last days and she was not sleeping well lately.

The sudden panic that sometimes just rushed over her when she was under great pressure was nothing really – she was not becoming hysterical like those poor women she had heard people talk about.

„-zabeth. Lady Elizabeth, are you listening to me?"

There was a painful pounding in her head when Elizabeth looked at the baroness again, caught off guard by the sudden question.

„Pardon, but what did you just say? I could not follow …", she admitted, embarrassed of her foolish behaviour. There was a strange, bitter taste in her mouth and her tongue felt heavy as she spoke.

„I was asking about your marriage with Lord Ciel." Lady Catherine seemed annoyed. „Since you are currently staying in London with him, I assumed it would be scheduled soon."

„Marriage?", Elizabeth echoed weakly. It seemed like the word of a language entirely foreign to her. What did that even mean?

„It won't be until next year", Ciel answered in her place, with a smile that probably was supposed to be polite, but felt more as if he wanted to break the baroness' neck with bare hands the next second. „The Funtom company is keeping me rather busy."

„Is that so." The baroness looked pleased, smirking devilishly to herself. „I was expecting you two would take your time."

Elizabeth could see Ciel clenching his fist at the words, but he said nothing. He did not like talking about the marriage although they had actually planned to talk about it during their stay in London over the season. Truth was that they had not agreed on anything. Why was her cousin lying now? What was he afraid of?

„Is something the matter, Lady Elizabeth?"

This time, it was Sebastian adressing her. And somehow, it were those the soft-spoken, polite words that managed to give the marchioness a much-needed mental slap across the face – not a painful one, just enough to make her come to her senses again. At the same time, she felt betrayed. It was Sebastian who had noticed her uneasiness, while Ciel had barely noticed her very presence until now; he just stared at the scene in bewilderment like someone who had been ripped right out of a dream, not unlike Elizabeth herself.

„My head is aching a little", she replied truthfully. „I think I need some fresh air. Ciel, would you mind escorting me outside for a few minutes?"

„Of course", Ciel said a bit too quickly and offered her his arm before turning to Lady Catherine. „Would you excuse us please, Baroness?"

Without waiting for an answer, he started dragging his fiancée along towards the balcony. He seemed more than eager to get away from the the baroness and her mindless chit-chat.

„What an annoying person …", he mumbled to himself. „That's why I hate social events."

„I am afraid that in your position, you will have to deal with them nevertheless, young master", Sebastian noted casually, the usual teasing spark in his unnatural red eyes. „You cannot be running from everyone forever. There happen to be a lot of people in this world and you will have to interact with them at some point."

„Just shut up", Ciel barked at him since as usual, he was lacking a proper reply.

There was a long uncomfortable silence.

Elizabeth took a deep breath. She really liked Sebastian, but he somehow seemed to get between her and Ciel. There was no way she could speak to Ciel alone. Sebastian was always with him, like a talking shadow, and the master-servant couple sometimes appeared like both of them had long merged into a single sentient organism. It was impossible to imagine one existing without the other. How could Elizabeth and Ciel get even a bit of privacy with that butler always around and interfering?

„Sebastian", the marchioness finally managed to say, „could you leave Ciel and me alone for a while?"

„As you wish", Sebastian said dutifully. „Allow me to fetch you some cold drinks meanwhile."

Smiling politely, he bowed, excused himself and wandered off to the buffet to do as he said. Now that he was without his master's company, he caught the attention of a lot more women as he made his way through the crowd and soon was swallowed by their colourful figures.

He had that something about him that made him stand out among other people – maybe it was the way he walked or his inhumanly beautiful looks – just to disappear so spontanously as if his whole existence had been wiped off this earth. Much too strange and exotic for an distinguished gentleman such as himself.

No wonder everyone was fascinated by him. Even Elizabeth, otherwise not too interested in men that were not Ciel or her brother Edward, liked to observe him. She cherished that calm grace about him, that quiet strength inside of him that made him appear impeccable. Like a black swan floating elegantly where normal people would drown.

How she wished he would teach her how to be like that …

She shuddered. Not because of the thought, but because out of nowhere, her longing look was suddenly captured by a beautiful pair of pale blue eyes that really stood out in the dark-skinned face of the blonde woman they belonged to.

Elizabeth quickly looked away. She did not want to be caught staring at her fiancé's butler even though Sebastian was nowhere to be seen anymore. Still, what if she had been observed this whole time? People could easily get the wrong idea. How could they possibly understand the nature of Elizabeth's fascination? It was made up of mild envy and something that vaguely resembled the thrill of sharing a secret with someone, and whatever it was, it was entirely pure and innocent.

But then why exactly did she feel so guilty about it?

She felt like she was betraying someone. Not Ciel, probably.

Herself.

With a soft, inaudible sigh on her lips, she grasped her cousin's arm tighter and lightly leaned her head against his shoulder. Ciel looked surprised, but he did not do anything. His indifference towards her was starting to drive Elizabeth mad with anger.

She knew that he was not on the emotional side, but as his fiancée, was it too much to ask for a bit of attention? Well, at least he had agreed to even come here …

A sweep of cool air surrounded both of them as they stepped outside to the balcony. A sickly pale, yet very beautiful half-moon greeted them with what seemed like mysterious smile – it was one of those bizarre not-expressions only the moon was capable to wear and Elizabeth was not quite sure if Luna, the silent, astute goddess that reigned the night, was inviting or merely mocking her.

Feeling strangely comforted nevertheless, the marchioness took a deep breath, inhaling the sweet perfume of the summer night along with the muddy taste of moist earth. It had rained this evening and the light chill of midnight was a pleasant relief from the heat that had smothered London during the last weeks.

„It is a beautiful night, don't you think, Ciel?", Elizabeth asked, resting her elbows upon the balustrade of the balcony and cupped her face with both hands. She felt a little like Juliet, only without a Romeo watching her from the distance.

„It is not bad", Ciel replied with a shrug, surely not as taken aback by the clear, starry nightsky as she. Looking utterly displeased with everything and everyone, he leaned his back against the balustrade, right next to his fiancée, his arms crossed before his chest, eyes staring down to his feet.

„Really, Ciel", Elizabeth scolded him tenderly. „You should learn to just relax and enjoy yourself a little. There is other things in life than Funtom and playing chess."

„Oh, there is? Like trying to impress people I hate or listening to their nonsense chatter? No, thank you. One more minute with Lady – what was her name again? - and I would have grabbed one of Sebastian's silver knives and stabbed her to death."

"Ah, don't be like that. I know Lady Catherin is not the most agreeable person, but not everyone is like her."

Ciel laughed sarcastically like someone who had lost all faith in humanity long, long ago. Then again, him being Ciel, this probably was the case.

„Show me someone who isn't", he dared her, but his voice now sounded warmer than before. He could really make a girl believe he was actually Prince Charming in disguise if he wanted. He just never tried.

Elizabeth smiled at him and turned around to be shoulder-to-shoulder with him.

„I will", she promised and reached out to take his hand. Ciel was visibly irritated, but he did not complain.

It was always like that. He would always shy away from affection, even more so if its display was of the physical kind. Sebastian and Elizabeth were generally allowed to touch him casually, but that did not mean Ciel enjoyed it. His attitude was so cold that even holding his warm hand felt like embracing a snowman to Elizabeth.

„I liked Lady Wilhelmina's dress", she said without really knowing what she wanted to achieve – maybe she just wanted to test whether Ciel had been paying any attention at all?

He did not seem very impressed.

„You mean the Baroness' niece or whatever she was?", he asked with a blank face. „Might be, I don't really care for dresses that much."

„I think she is stunning", Elizabeth enquired further. „I just cannot believe she really is a blood relative of Lady Catherine. They really don't look anything like each other."

„You think? I did not look at either of them."

„Oh, that's right, I forgot." Elizabeth could not help but snapping at him. „You never look at any woman."

Completely puzzled, Ciel stared back at her.

„What is wrong with you tonight?", he asked in confusion. „Other women would be glad if their fiancé did not look at anyone else. Why do you complain?"

„Isn't that obvious? Because you don't look at me either! You never notice me. I am just there. I can talk to you. I can hold your hand in mine. I can stand next to you like I do in this very second, but you don't really pay attention to me. Everytime you glance at me for a second, your eye is empty. It seems to me you just want to make sure I am there and that it is still me, but you don't seem to care about me that much. As a person maybe, but not as a woman. You do your best and you are charming – you know you are – but you don't mean it. You treat me like a child. Or a pet. Not like a grown woman. Just tell me why? Am I that unattractive to you?"

His single eye, shimmering midnight blue in the pale moonlight, met hers. There was the faintest hint of a smile on his lips, but it did not make it to the rest of his face. Still, his voice sounded sincere as he spoke, calmly and slowly.

„You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen", he said. „Just look at you. Long blonde hair. Rosy cheeks. Sparkling green eyes. Full red lips. Every man's heart skips a beat when he lays eyes upon you."

„Every man's heart", Elizabeth repeated, choking back tears. „Every man's but yours."

„Listen …" Nervously, Ciel brushed his own hair back with his fingers. „I think you are gorgeous, Lizzy. And I like you. I really do. It is just that I … I cannot look at you that way."

„Which way?"

„You know … Like a man would look at a woman." The earl blushed deeply. This topic obviously embarrassed him even more than the young lady.

„It's not your fault", he added quickly not to hurt her feelings. „You just happen to be my cousin and that is how I see you. Like a sister."

„In that case, you should seek yourself another bride", Elizabeth hissed at him, letting of his hand as she stepped away from him. „If I'm not suited to satisfy your … your [I]requirements[/I]."

„There is no other bride for me", Ciel mumbled.

Surprised, Elizabeth froze on the spot.

„What did you just say?", she asked even though she had heard him all too well.

„I said: There is no other bride for me", he said again. This time, his words were loud and clear. „It is only you for me. I don't want anyone else. You know that you mean more to me than any other human being in this world. You are dear to me. It is true, I never chose you as my fiancée, but if I had a choice … It would be you. It would always be you. I might not want to touch you. I might not want to kiss you. But I still want to spend my life with you. I want to know you at my side. Of all the things in my life, you are the only thing that truly matters to me. I have never wanted any other woman. I have never even found any other woman desirable."

„You are such a sweet-talker, aren't you." It was not a question. It was but a fact, followed by Elizabeth's bitter laugh. „But thank you for trying to make it up to me. I am sorry for shouting at you. I am just tired. And I feel rejected. That is something a woman cannot take that easily."

Forcing a smile, she gazed up into the pitch-black nightsky.

Ciel noir.

How appropriate.

„Let me ask you one question", she heard Ciel's voice coming closer, along with the soft clicking of his heels.

„Anything."

„Have you ever seenme that way?"

The icy, cruel words, whispered right into her ear, made her cringe. Her cousin was now standing right behind her; she could feel his breath upon her cheek, lightly playing with her hair. She wanted to turn around, but just in this moment, he put his arms around her, his tight embrace keeping her from moving.

„What are you doing?", she shrieked. „Let me go!"

He immediately did how she told him, but not without tenderly caressing her face one last time before stepping aside.

„You see?", he said, apparently slightly amused by her reaction. „You cannot even stand what is meant to be a loving embrace. Why are you so scared? Do you really think I would ever hurt you?"

„Right now … That wasn't you."

„Who else would it be then? Of course it was me. It was the 'me' you refuse to accept. You don't want me. You want the little boy I once were. But he is dead, Lizzy. It's only me left now."

„You are lying." Elizabeth shook her head. „Why are you lying to me?"

„Me? Lying? Oh no, Lizzy. You are lying to yourself."

Ciel sighed. Deep sorrow tainted his otherwise so smooth voice.

„Don't pretend I am your knight in shining armour. I have been with you all these years and if I know one thing, it's this: You don't want me either. Don't deny it. I can see it crystal-clear. When you look at me, your eyes are firmly closed without you noticing. They are searching for someone else, someone you see inside of me, but that person only lives in your memory. Being with me only makes you sad. I can see that you pity me, just like you pity yourself for not being able to make that dead child I once used to be breathe again. You are scared of the truth. And you don't trust me, but I cannot blame you for it. You have every right to do so. I am not a good person. I have kept secrets from you all this time. I have done terrible things and made you live through some of them. As sorry as I am for making you suffer, I don't expect you to just tolerate it all and love me for the sinner I am."

Elizabeth stared at him for a long time. Her hands were shaking. Her lips were trembling. And her lungs felt as if she had inhaled the acid boiling in her stomach.

And then she laughed. She did not know why, but she could not help it. Cold, quiet chuckling filled the air, sharp as shattered glass cutting into her skin. A part of her wanted to make Ciel lather up the blood his words had spilled, but Elizabeth swallowed it back down into the depths of her soul. Instead, she just smirked at him.

„Who do you think you are to tell me what's good for me and what's not?", she spat out, her voice trembling from anger. „I might be only a girl, but I am not your possession. And trust me, I am old enough to make my own decisions. I don't need you to make them for me. If I want to be your wife, you can turn me down. But don't you dare telling me what I should want."

Ciel grinned back at her, lifting his hands in surrender.

„So then, what is it that you want?", he asked, not without a look of bitter irony in his eye. „Please enlighten me, for I cannot read your mind."

Swallowing hard, Elizabeth nodded her head.

She had an idea.

„I want to try something", she said and moved towards Ciel until she stood right in front of him. Feeling her heart racing in her chest, she took a deep breath before she put her arms around his neck and gently pulled him closer.

„Maybe you just need a little push in the right direction", she whispered and closed her eyes, feeling Ciel's breath gently brushing over her lips.