A/N: so! just a little one-shot that's 100 percent Tony Stark, since my last story for Iron Man had the Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang crossover in it, too. hope you guys like it! :)
"Tony," Pepper says, sighing as she takes a seat next to her husband on their couch. Right when she hits the cushion, his arm drapes across her shoulders and she leans her head into the crook of his neck. The fingers of his right hand begin playing absentmindedly with her ginger hair.
"Ms. Potts," he mutters. She pauses, hating the way that he still—even though they've been married for what seems like an eternity—refers to her as "Ms. Potts" every now and again.
"I think you should talk to Jake."
"Talk to Jake."
"Yes."
"Pepper, I talk to Jake all the time," he insists, trying to keep natural, but she can feel his back stiffen a little.
"I know you talk to him all the time," Pepper says, thinking back to all the nights where she wanted to get to bed early while her husband and son were up late, playing video games and yelling at each other for being an idiot and messing everything up; or the days when he took the three of them to the beach and taught Jake how to skim board—it was like she didn't even exist on those days.
"So what's the problem?"
"I want you to talk to him…about it."
Tony's fingers freeze in mid-hair stroke. "You want me to talk to him about it," he repeats cautiously.
Pepper nods. "Today, preferably."
"No."
"Tony, you have to."
Tony pouts and slouches down on the cushion. "Can I ask why it has to be me, specifically, and not, oh, say, you?"
"You're his father, Tony. If we had a daughter, then there'd be no question that I'd be the one talking to her. But we—"
Tony holds up one finger, telling her to be quiet. "Let's go," he says, abruptly springing to his feet. He looks down at the confused expression on his wife's face and holds out his hand for her to take.
"Go where?" Pepper says, folding her arms across her chest so Tony can't grab one of her hands when she's not paying attention.
"Make ourselves a girl." Tony grins mischievously at her, then starts to further explain his logic. "You said that if we had a girl, then you'd be the one telling her about it, so—"
"You'd still have to tell Jake, unless you plan on giving him away or something." Pepper smiles and for a second, Tony notices once again the way her blue eyes sparkle when the Malibu sun hits them just right. She knows how much Tony loves Jake, even if he has trouble showing it sometimes.
"Damn." Tony pauses, then tries another tactic. "Can't he find out on his own?"
Pepper stares at him melodramatically. "Tony, do you realize how badly he'll be made fun of in school? His father is notorious for being a playboy—everyone knows your way, or past ways, with girls—and he doesn't know a thing about sex? What will the other parents think?"
Tony smirks. "Now I know why I married you, Ms. P—Mrs. Stark."
Pepper gives him a kiss on the cheek. "Now, are you going to talk to him?"
Tony opens his mouth, then looks at her. "Nope."
"To-ny! Why not? How did you find out about all this?"
"Experimentation," Tony says brightly, his grin widening. "And look how I turned out!"
"I don't want Jake experimenting!" Pepper says, alarmed. "Oh God, Tony…"
"Experimenting with what?"
Tony and Pepper turn around quickly and see their son standing in the hall in his pajamas, a confused and slightly suspicious look on his face.
"Jake, sweetie, Dad's gonna—"
"Let's go, kid," Tony says, taking Jake's small hand in his and leading him to his and Pepper's bedroom. "We've got something to talk about."
Pepper watches the two men in her life walk to the bedroom, and she begins to think again about how much Jake resembles Tony. It's like he took all of his father's genes, but rejected hers; he's almost a carbon copy of his dad. He's got the same dark, messy hair and big brown eyes, and is currently working on perfecting the same sense of humor. She smiles to herself as she flips on the TV to catch the news.
"If this is about what Sam Benson's mom called about, I swear to God I didn't do anything on purpose. He had it coming to him; he was being an idiot and got in the way," Jake says quickly as Tony sits down beside him on the bed.
Tony stares at him. "Rule number one of getting away with it: wait until I admit that I know, otherwise you're just giving yourself away. Like you did just now."
Jake's eyes widen. "You didn't know?"
Tony shrugs. "I know now."
"Dad, please—"
"We'll talk about it later," Tony says, code for "forget about it; I already have."
"So what else are we gonna talk about?" Jake says, swinging his skinny legs back and forth, his hands gripping the edge of the bed.
Tony swallows and shifts his mouth to the side, trying to formulate the best way to begin this. Should he go straight-out and tell him, or use one of those stupid analogies about birds and bees? Does he know anything about it already, or is everything going to be new to him? Is this going to absolutely blow his mind? Hmm…decisions, decisions. After a few seconds, he takes a deep breath and decides to take the plunge.
"Have you ever heard of the birds and the bees, Jake?"
Jake wrinkles his nose. "Like the animals?"
Tony tilts his hand back and forth. "Kind of. But they kind of have, other meanings…besides being, uh, animals."
"Like what?"
Tony pauses again, trying to figure out how to best convey this. He suddenly realizes that he actually has no idea how birds and bees are related, or what the hell they even have to do with sex. Maybe it he rephrased it to nuts and bolts, something he knows more about...no, what the hell do those have to do with sex? Same birds and bees problem. It would've been nice if Pepper had given him a little notice; he could've prepared some notes or something. He's dying out here.
"Do you know how Mom and I, uh, got you?"
"Whaddaya mean?"
"Like, how you're…here. How you got here."
Jake shrugs. "I never really thought about it, I guess."
Tony sighs. "You're really not making this easy for me, Jake kid."
"Sorry?" Jake senses he should be apologizing for something, but he's not sure what.
"No, forget about it. Uh, listen, I'm just gonna give this to you straight, okay?"
"Um, sure."
"Your mom told me—literally two minutes ago—that I have to tell you about sex. Now, what do you know about it?"
Jake looks at him. "It's…how you get babies?"
Tony claps his hands quickly. "Exactly! And you know the whole P and VaG deal, right?"
"…maybe."
"Well, you're the one with the penis, right? Right. You think with it sometimes—okay, most of the time—but that's not the way you should go. That's not how I met your mom. So even though it's hard, I want you to resist the urge, okay? Don't think with it; think with that goddamn Stark brain you've got," Tony tells him, tapping his son lightly on the temple.
Jake looks at Tony hesitantly. "Uh, okay."
"And then the girls. I don't know if you've got yourself one yet; Mom probably thinks you do, just because I had my first girl…early." Tony coughs, wondering for a split second if he overstepped his boundaries. Fuck that, I'm a dad. "But anyway, girls don't think with their vaginas. They think with their hearts, which is better than thinking with a penis, I have to say. I mean, well, yeah.
"Moving on," Tony says, "every so often, girls have this thing called a period. Not like the punctuation mark," he adds quickly, noticing that Jake's about to open his mouth and ask that exact question. "These are tricky little bastards—sorry—that come once a month, and when they do, they pretty much ruin your life."
"What do they do?" Jake says.
"That's not important. Problem is, they prevent us guys from doing things we want to do. And sometimes, sometimes, when they're really pissy, girls will pretend to be on their periods just because they know it makes us upset."
Jake gasps.
"I know," Tony says, shaking his head somberly. "It's terrible. But, kid, periods aren't always called periods."
"They're not?"
"Not at all. Periods, Jake, are like pot; you need to know the code words. And there's a lot of 'em. We've got riding the crimson wave, the red menace, Aunt Dotty, scarlet punctuation, and this one's used the most commonly—you'll hear Mom say it sometimes—the time of the month. There are more, too, so be ready. You've always gotta be on your toes when it comes to this."
Jake pauses. "D-does Mom know about this?"
Tony grins. "Oh, she knows. Don't you worry; she'll be able to take care of herself. She's one tough lady. Moving on, though, girls are the ones that carry the babies, so Mom obviously carried you, which shows even more that she's tough, because you can be a little pain in the ass sometimes." He reaches over and musses Jake's hair, chuckling to himself as his son laughs. "You're my kid, though; I don't know why I would have expected any different. But this is the most important part. If you, sometime way later in the future, decide to have sex with a girl, wear a condom. I can't stress this enough. The worst thing in the world would be for you to come home and tell me and your mom that you got some random chick in your science class pregnant because you forgot a condom. Tell me anything else—drugs, arrests, probation—anything but that. Okay?"
Jake nods.
"So, let's recap. Boys have penises; girls have vaginas. Question: do you think with your penis?"
Jake shakes his head.
"Good. Sometimes a girl can be on her period, but at the same time, she could be lying, so try and be on the lookout for this when the time comes. Always treat your special lady friend with respect…like the way you'd treat your X-box. Never hit her, try not to yell at her, and never tell her she's fat, especially once she gets pregnant." Tony glances expectantly at Jake, waiting for an interjection.
"I won't have to," Jake says, "because I'm not gonna get a girl pregnant yet."
"Good." Tony smiles and runs his fingers through his hair. "There's a lot more that I didn't cover, but if you ever have any questions about anything related at all to this, you don't go to your mom; you go to me, okay?"
"Okay."
"Great," Tony says, sounding a little too relieved for his taste. "I'm glad we had this talk, Jake." He puts his hands on his knees and shoves himself up off the bed. "Now, d'you want a snack or something before bed? I think Mom made some cookies or something…"
"Dad?"
"Yeah."
Jake remains seated on the bed, grinning slightly. He pulls something—a magazine—out from under the bed and shows it to Tony.
"This is what you're talking about, isn't it?" He holds it out closer so Tony can see. Tony grabs it and looks it over.
"I thought I got rid of these," he mutters, feeling just the slightest bit of nostalgia as he flips through the pages of Playboy. He glances back at Jake, who's still smirking, retaining his position on the edge of the bed. "But, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Although, if you only read these, you wouldn't get my fantastic lecture to go along with it; you'd be missing out."
"Then that's good that I found those."
"Sure. Now come on, let's go find some cookies or something."
Jake jumps up off the bed and leads the way out of the room. Tony hesitates before leaving, slipping the magazine under his bed again. As far as he knows, it's the only one he's got left. There's no apparent reason why it's that specific issue, but it's still one, and he knows one thing's for sure—if Pepper finds out, she'll be pissed.
Slightly panicked, Tony grabs Jake's shoulder and turns him around.
"Hey, Jake, do me a favor. Don't tell your mother."