Send Me the Miles
I hope
that if alternate universes exist,
it will still be you
and me
in the end. I hope that
there will always be an us.
In every world,
in every story.
— Let us always find each other, Tina Tran
I made up my mind when I was a young girl
I've been given this one world
I won't worry it away
But now and again I lose sight of the good life
I get stuck in a low light
But then Love comes in
How far do I have to go to get to you
Many the miles
But send me the miles and I'll be happy to follow you, Love
— Many the Miles, Sara Bareilles
Author's Note: This is a rewrite of The Prince and Me and should be considered an entirely different universe. I promise I will actually finish it this time because unlike last time, I now have most of it pretty much plotted out and have also written a fair amount. I know what I'm getting to and how to get there.
There are many reasons why I abandoned The Prince and Me, mostly to do with plot holes. Actually, this rewrite underwent some pretty dramatic rewrites of its own because there was a subplot I really just couldn't tease in. In The Prince and Me, I also tried to preserve the Fifth Prince title, which meant at one point, I had way too many characters to deal with and it made things impossible to manage. So, reluctantly (well, not really, I didn't know what to do with the dozen extra characters I would have had if I had kept Yong Qi the 'fifth' prince anyway), the numbering doesn't apply anymore, but I'll try to make it not too jarring.
Rating for swearing, and there will be mentions of pre-marital sex. Re swearing: I'm not going to make it gratutious, but characters will swear under the appropriate circumstances; Xiao Yan Zi in modern context isn't the kind of character who would shy from it, but again, under the right situation. There is only one character who will be quite vulgar, but he's not going to a terribly nice person. But just be aware there will be f-bombs, among others.
My many thanks to aryatai for all her help with untangling plot lines. I am immensely grateful. You should all go check out her fics :)
We are never ever ever getting back together,
We are never ever ever getting back together,
You go talk to your friends, talk to my friends, talk to me
But we are never ever ever ever getting back together
— We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together, Taylor Swift
2009
Xiao Yan stared at the building in front of her, and wondered if she was out of her mind trying to do this. Perhaps it wasn't worth going back here to get her belongings. But practically everything she owned was in that apartment, if she didn't get them, what would she live with? It wasn't as if she had the option of buying all new things.
She had purposefully chosen a time when she knew Liang Ding, her ex-boyfriend (yes, he was definite ex now), wouldn't be home. She hoped he wouldn't be home. More importantly, she hoped he hadn't changed the lock. He most likely had not, since Liang Ding would never waste money on such thing.
She also hoped after she walked out on him two days ago, he hadn't thrown away all her things in a fit of rage.
The key seemed to burn in her hand as she tried to gather the courage to enter the building that took so much of her just to flee from in the first place.
You can do this, she told herself, though even that voice in her head shook.
She nearly jumped out of her skin when she felt someone place a hand on her shoulder. She whirled around to find that it was only Liu Qing, who had left her on the curb to park his van, usually used for taking supplies from markets back to the restaurant or for deliveries.
"Hey, calm down," he said gently. "I'm here. Even if he is there, I won't let him do anything to you."
"Thank you for coming with me," Xiao Yan said gratefully, resting her head briefly on his shoulder.
The only reason she was doing this was because Liu Qing was willing to accompany her. There would have been no way she would re-enter this building without back-up, without someone who she knew would physically pull her away if needed.
"There is no question of me not coming with you, you know," Liu Qing said, putting his arm around her and squeezing her tight.
"You don't wish I had listened to you and Liu Hong and left earlier?" Xiao Yan asked as they stepped into the building together.
"Oh Xiao Yan, it was very easy for us to tell you what you should do," Liu Qing answered, "but the actual action had to be yours. I can imagine that it can be hard to pull away from these situations, which is what makes them so tragic. You are very brave for realising that you need to walk away and actually doing it."
"I don't feel brave, or anything remotely close to it," Xiao Yan said, hating how her voice trembled despite her best efforts. "Mostly I just feel very stupid right now."
"Hey, you're not, all right?" Liu Qing said, looking her straight in the eyes. "I'm proud of you for doing this."
She gave him a watery smile and led him to the door of the apartment. Just as she predicted, the lock received her key effortlessly and the door opened to a silent flat.
So he wasn't home. Thank god.
Still, Xiao Yan froze in the doorway for a moment, staring into the apartment as if it were a trap. She was afraid of stepping in, as if the moment she entered these rooms again, she would not be able to leave. This was the first place where she'd lived that wasn't the orphanage, and despite the fact that every part of her heart and mind knew that for a long time, all it did was slowly drain her and chip her of her very life, that she definitely could not continue staying there, it was still painful to think about clearing out and never coming back. She knew instinctively that this reluctance wasn't for any sentimental reason. No, sentimentality had disappeared long ago. She was only scared now, scared that the moment she left this place for the last time, she would be left to drift in the wind, with really no place to call her own – as if this place had ever been her own. Again, she would not know where she belonged in the world, and it was that void of the unknown, of not having any sort of goal, destination or future, that terrified her.
But there was no destination or future here, either. At least, in the small apartment above Liu Qing and Liu Hong's restaurant, she would be sharing a living space with people she loved and trusted…people who would never hurt her…
Liu Qing helped Xiao Yan pack mostly in silence, except when he would ask her where certain things were. There wasn't much else to say, nor much to pack, come to think of it. All that Xiao Yan owned fitted into a large suitcase and a carton box. For once, Xiao Yan was thankful, because they could transport it all in one trip. It was best not to tempt the current absence of the apartment's owner by returning multiple times.
Xiao Yan locked up and slid the key under the door, not out of any consideration for its owner. She only didn't want to give herself any reason or ability to have to venture back here. Not that she would want to, ever, but it was better to be safe than sorry. It could only be better for everyone involved if they never saw each other again.
He would know, of course, that she had been here, before even realising all her things was gone. The moment he saw the key, he'd know. And really, that was why she was leaving it. This was her way of telling him that was what she wanted. Considering his track record in the respecting-her-wishes department, she didn't have high hopes he'd comply. Even now, a voice in her head was already telling her how stupid and naïve it was to still hope that he would have the sense to not seek her out, to take her leaving as the end of all that was ever between them, to leave her alone.
The truth was, she knew at some point, she would still have to face him again, because he would never leave her alone. He would never allow him to humiliate him by leaving him like this. When the confrontation came, she only hoped that she wouldn't be alone, and that Liu Qing would be with her. She learnt to punch and scratch at bullies in the orphanage playground, but there were still some foes that she would not be able to face alone.
After all, if Liang Ding ever knew how to walk away, it would never have had to come to this.
Then again, considering how she had met him, perhaps it was only fitting that everything that ever happened between them thereafter was just one string of one bad decision after another.
At least the world didn't yet completely give her up for lost, since chance brought her into acquaintance with Liu Qing and Liu Hong. Without them, Xiao Yan knew she would probably still have thought it better to stick it out and bear Liang Ding's protection from the world – even if that protection was useless against himself – than walk away on her own.
She wouldn't be on her own now, and she probably would never stop owing Liu Qing and Liu Hong for that. They were both too good to ever expect anything in return for the sanctuary they were offering her now, of course.
They arrived at Liu Qing's van and stowed her things in the back. Xiao Yan was about to climb into the front passenger seat when her arm was seized angrily from behind.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" Liang Ding growled, his breath hot and rank near her face, jerking her around to face him. He would have pinned her arms against the van, if Liu Qing had not forcefully pulled him away. The contact lost, and yet she still felt physically ill; her entire body felt feverish with fear and she wondered if Liu Qing and Liang Ding could actually hear her heart beat as she could.
"Hey, get away from her!" Liu Qing yelled, pushing Liang Ding away so hard that he slammed against the car behind him. Meanwhile, Liu Qing stood in front of Xiao Yan protectively.
"Who the fuck are you?" Liang Ding demanded, trying to side-step Liu Qing. He cut a menacing figure, but Liu Qing was as tall and as large as Liang Ding, and there was really no predicting who would win in a fight if it ever came down to it.
"Never you mind who I am. Just don't ever come near Xiao Yan again, and we never will need to lay a hand on each other."
"And why should I listen to you, yeah?" Liang Ding demanded, trying to throw a punch at Liu Qing, but Liu Qing ducked it easy and Liang Ding ended up punching the van instead. He growled with pain which made him look even angrier. Xiao Yan hoped that if it came down to it, between her and Liu Qing, they would be able to subdue Liang Ding, since there was little security in this area, and police would probably take a while to get here. (Why had she stuck her phone in the box that was now in the back of the van? She had thought it convenient then, but now, how she wished she had it to call for help if needed.)
Looking over Liu Qing's shoulder, Liang Ding said roughly to Xiao Yan, "So you think you're going to walk out on me for this fucker here?"
"I'm not leaving you for anyone," Xiao Yan said defiantly, raising her chin and hoping she looked far braver than she was truly feeling. "I told you before I left. We're over. We've been over for a long time. Leave us alone."
She tugged Liu Qing's arm and pulled him away, hoping that Liang Ding would see that it was unwise to get into a fight with Liu Qing, because Xiao Yan didn't want to stand around long enough for this to escalate and turn ugly either.
"You think it's so easy, don't you, you little – " Liang Ding swerved around Liu Qing and grabbed her by the arm roughly again, and Xiao Yan instinctively twisted it out of his reach and his curse was cut short when Xiao Yan unceremoniously kneed him in the groin. He fell to the ground, howling in pain.
"Did you just – " Liu Qing exclaimed, staring at her, amazed, but she just shoved him and pulled open passenger side door of the van, scrambling in. Taking her lead, Liu Qing hurried to the driver's side and entered, starting the engine.
It was fortunate that Liang Ding had come at them from the side of the van, because if he was blocking their exit in any way, Xiao Yan wasn't sure Liu Qing was above running him over on his way out.
"That was fucking awesome!" Liu Qing exclaimed, looking into the wing mirror at Liang Ding left behind, still struggling to stand up right and cursing loudly behind them.
Xiao Yan finally allowed herself to relax and grin sheepishly. "It was a very instinctive reaction," she said.
Liu Qing laughed and held one hand towards her. She gave it a perfunctory high-five.
"Remind me not to get on your bad side," he said.
Xiao Yan gave a shaky laugh.
"Seriously, though, it's not like I would have let him do anything to you, but it looked like you didn't need my help anyway."
"Still, I'm glad you were there, you know that right?" Xiao Yan asked.
"Of course," he said, looking over at her briefly with a smile. "Well, you're well rid of him now."
"I hope."
"You are. But if he does ever both you again, promise me you'll let me know?"
"I promise."
"Good. You deserve much better than him, Xiao Yan."
Xiao Yan blinked back tears and smiled wistfully.
Sometimes she wasn't sure she did.
When they arrived at Hui Bin Lou, Liu Qing waved her up the stairs to the private flat that Liu Qing and Liu Hong shared above the restaurant, where Xiao Yan would now be staying, because the siblings insisted.
"Go. I'll take the stuff up," he said.
"You sure – " Xiao Yan asked.
"Of course. I'm not exactly moving a grand piano, am I?"
Xiao Yan gave him a smile and headed up to the apartment.
"Everything went well?" Liu Hong asked as she caught sight of Xiao Yan. "You didn't run into trouble?"
"We did run into him," Xiao Yan said wearily, sitting down on the couch that had seen better days. "But thankfully we were able to handle it."
"Are you all right?" Liu Hong asked, sitting down next to her.
"Yeah, I'm fine," Xiao Yan said, trying to smile but failing.
"Stop interrogating her, Liu Hong," Liu Qing said as he pulled the suitcase into the room. "Here, take this into your room while I collect the other box."
Liu Hong patted Xiao Yan's shoulder, then took the suitcase from her brother and pulled it into the bedroom Xiao Yan would share with her.
Xiao Yan wished she had presence of mind enough to get up and help, but the entire ordeal, as swiftly as it ended, seemed to have taken enormous toll on her. She felt like her entire body was shaking uncontrollably; her emotions were all jumbled it, and it was difficult to really put into words what she was actually feeling.
She realised she wasn't imagining her body shaking when Liu Hong came out and rushed over to her, alarmed.
"Xiao Yan, are you all right?" Liu Hong put her arms around Xiao Yan's shoulders, and pulled her into a hug. "Hey, it's okay, it's okay, you're with us," Liu Hong murmured, running soothing circles on Xiao Yan's back with her hand.
"I'm sorry, I just – " Xiao Yan tried to say, but the tears she had been holding back all day now overtook her.
"No, don't be sorry, none of this is your fault, all right?" Liu Hong said, cradling her head to her.
Xiao Yan didn't know how long she cried for, but when she finally could look up, Liu Qing had placed a steaming cup of tea down on the table in front of her and was now sitting on her other side, holding her hand tightly.
"I'm such a fucked up mess," she muttered, running a hand over her face, choking on her own tears.
Liu Hong reached for a few tissues and handed them to her; she blew her nose loudly.
"You're not a mess. You're nineteen," Liu Hong said gently. "No one has it figured out at nineteen. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot."
"No one gets trapped in a stupid, abusive relationship either," she said bitterly.
"Hey, you didn't know that was what he was when it started," Liu Qing said. "And you found the courage to leave. That's what's important."
"It wasn't courage. I just couldn't take it anymore," Xiao Yan said, her voice muffled by the fresh tissues she was holding to her face again.
"And it takes strength to recognise that," Liu Hong said.
Xiao Yan looked up at the sympathetic faces of her friends and nodded. "I really don't know what I would do without you two, you know," she said.
"Well, you don't have to find out," Liu Qing said, patting her on the back. "Go inside and try to get some rest, Xiao Yan. I know you haven't been sleeping."
There wasn't much point in protesting against Liu Qing's suggestion, so Xiao Yan went into the room she would share with Liu Hong, if only to lie down. For the last two nights after she left Liang Ding and turned up at Liu Qing and Liu Hong's doorstep, neither sleep nor rest had come easily to her. Now, she was exhausted and didn't have the strength to contemplate anything about the days that were ahead. She could only hope as tired as she was, her mind would finally give in and allow sleep to overtake her.
For a while, the utter routine of living at above Hui Bin Lou with Liu Qing and Liu Hong, and working there, was exactly what Xiao Yan needed. She needed the security and safety of knowing what was coming the next day, or even in the next hour.
The excitement and the thrill that Liang Ding once offered that she found so attractive was fading away, but to her it felt like relief. Too much excitement and too much thrill, she had found, could be a bad thing.
Now she needed calm.
Not that calm came very easily, at first.
Recovery, she found, was a simple word with laden meanings. It meant restless nights and unpleasant dreams. It also meant memories – both unpleasant and pleasant, but now tainted – were triggered by the strangest of things. It meant reminding herself that she was free of it, that memories were just that, and then second-guessing herself in the middle of the night because sometimes, in the darkness, it felt almost as if she was right back where she started.
She didn't expect she would miss him – miss the idea of them – but she did, in all the twisted ways, because even as the feeling took her all by surprise, she knew more surely than ever that she never wanted to get back together with him, ever. At the same time, the pain of the memories was a balm, because eventually the pain would fade, as it should, and what she was left with was freedom, as glorious as the first gasping breath of air after being held under water, holding her breath, for a long time.
It helped, in the beginning, that working full time at Hui Bin Lou with Liu Qing and Liu Hong required early morning and late nights, which meant that she was often tired enough to be able to fall asleep without having to lie awake, lost in her own thoughts.
After all the tumult of her completely disastrous relationship with Liang Ding and the utter mortification that came after once she realised just how long she let this dead-end relationship carry on for, the remarkable rhythm of life in a tiny three-room apartment above a restaurant was something that Xiao Yan thought she could live with for a long while.
So she had to admit it was a surprise when Liu Hong asked her one day, "Have you thought about what to do after all this is settled and left behind you a little bit?"
"Settled?" Xiao Yan repeated, not understanding. "What do you mean, what do I want to do?"
"Xiao Yan, you don't really want to work here for the rest of your life, do you?" Liu Hong asked, laughing.
"Are you trying to get rid of me?"
"No, I'm just saying, you're meant for more than this."
"This, being the restaurant?"
"Yes."
"You're saying this as the owner of that restaurant?"
"Yes. I'm saying as your friend, but also as someone who is employing you and knowing this job here is well beneath your potential. This restaurant, I own it. My parents left it to my brother and me to run. If either or both of us ever wanted to do something else with our lives, we would find a way to have someone run it, but as it is, we don't. But you are different, Xiao Yan. It's a waste of your intelligence if you just stay here like this. This isn't the life for you, and you know it."
"I don't think I know what is for me anymore," Xiao Yan said, sighing. "I don't think I ever did. I mean, all I wanted when I was small was to get out of the orphanage. When I finally did, I fell in with Liang Ding. I guess I never really had any plan that didn't involve him. Before him, I didn't have the foggiest idea what I would do after I got out of the orphanage. Mostly because that was goal enough and it always felt like I would never achieve even that."
"Well, it doesn't matter what plans you didn't have before. You can start planning now. Even if you don't know what you want to do, maybe it's only because you've been cooped up for too long. Liang Ding tried so hard to isolate you from normal relationships; that was bad enough. You don't have to carry on his work for him now that you're rid of him. These past few months, you've hardly left this block, Xiao Yan. I know you want to avoid unpleasant encounters, but it's not healthy to imprison yourself here like this."
"So what do you suggest?"
"I don't know. Take time off. You don't have to spend 24/7 with us, you know. Go out, see people – friends."
"What friends do you imagine I have left?" Xiao Yan asked with a curt laugh. "I couldn't get away from the people I spent my whole life with at the orphanage soon enough. As for school friends, I have theorised that some people I was only friends with because we spent the better part of five days a week together. Anyway, it's hard to keep being friends when they go off to university while I…go off with Liang Ding who then took every chance to discourage me from seeing…anyone."
Despite Xiao Yan's listless tone and gloomy recounts, Liu Hong's voice sounded disproportionately upbeat when she suggested, "Well, go make new friends."
"Why would I need to? I have friends now, still, despite everything."
"Yes, of course you have friends. Me and my brother. And other people who work at the restaurant. I mean, you should have friends who aren't in any way affiliated with Hui Bin Lou. Go make some."
"How?"
"Xiao Yan," Liu Hong said with a laugh, "despite your attempts to be, you are not a nervous introvert who shrinks in the crowd. In fact, trapping yourself here has been giving you serious cabin fever, and don't deny it. You need to socialise. With actual people you don't necessarily see every day. Go out and talk to random strangers on the street – "
Xiao Yan burst out laughing. "Are you trying to get me institutionalised as a crazy person?"
"Well, get another job, then."
"You are trying to get rid of me," she teased.
Liu Hong ignored the jab. "Or go to university."
"What?"
"It would do you good, in the long run. At least give you some direction for the future that doesn't involve waitressing jobs at a restaurant. And why not?"
"Because – " Xiao Yan started, then trailed off.
"Because?"
"I don't know. I don't have any money, to start with?"
"Yeah, because you've been spending the money you earn here on international travel and expensive jewellery? I know how much you earn and I can see how little you actually spend, Xiao Yan. And you graduated high school with pretty decent results, right?"
"Only because there really was nothing else to do at the orphanage but study," Xiao Yan muttered.
"So get a scholarship."
"You speak like all of this is so simple."
"Isn't it? It's only a matter of what you want to do, Xiao Yan. I'm just giving a suggestion. You could want to join a circus, for all I know."
"I think circus artists start training since they were like six years old," Xiao Yan said with a smile. "And I've never wanted really fancied the training regimens that that kind of career would demand."
"So what do you want to do?" Liu Hong asked.
For the first time in a long time, Xiao Yan forced herself to face the question and actually consider it. The answer was mind-numbingly clear.
"I…don't know," she said. And that was the mind-numbing part of it. How had she managed to this state of no hope, no dreams, no expectations, no want? She had them once, fanciful and fantastic as they may have been, but she had them. Then…
Then Liang Ding, of course. Had he really taken so much from her?
The realisation filled her with horrible shivers.
She closed her eyes momentarily and shook her head, trying to chase away the chill.
Finally, she looked up at Liu Hong and gave a thin smile. "I suppose, now that you mention it, I should think about it."
Liu Hong smiled and reached over to squeeze her hand. "Yes, you should."
A/N: I know that for the summary being a "romantic comedy" it is neither romantic nor comedic yet. That will come. I needed to establish this first.