What is Death?

I don't know, but whatever it is is flooding my life like cold, cold water. I'm drowning in Death. Why? Why me? Why him? Why? I don't know… I don't know anything anymore… I used to know everything, to have all the answers now I know nothing.

"Hermione, dear, do you want something to eat?"

"I don't know…" Says a fragile voice apparently coming from my mouth

"You have to eat dear. You haven't eaten in days!"

She's so nice. She's really concerned. She didn't need to. She has her own kids to worry about. I told her that once, that she should be with her kids and she told me that I needed her more. I don't think that's true. I might have lost my parents and I may have lost him but there are so many people that need her more than I do! Harry needs her more. Ron needs her more. Ginny, even Ginny needs her more. So many people died… So much blood, so much Death… I feel like I'm drowning. Why did he have to dye? I'm alive because he died! I was supposed to be dead… Only because he shielded me. I owe my life to him. He should be alive, breathing. Not six feet under on that spooky graveyard.

I remember the funeral. It was beautiful. I know he would have liked it. I was with a simple black full length silk dress. Ron was at my right side holding my hand; Harry was at my left side looking sad. I don't actually know why. Maybe he realized he was a good man and wished he could have known him. I don't know. I remember getting up but not felling it. It was like my soul had gotten up but my body chose to stay still. I remember walking down the aisle and nobody trying to stop me. I remember going to the coffin and putting a black rose over his body. I remember going back to my seat but once again nobody moved to let me pass but I passed anyway. They sealed the coffin and took it outside. I remember felling him behind me. I turned around but there was no one there. I didn't cry. I only cried when I got home and saw the picture, our picture. I was a beautiful picture of me and him jumping up and down. We were so happy that day. We looked like little kids. Ron took the picture. He said that it would be to show us how childish we were being. Of course later on we denied the whole jumping up and down and acting like kids thing but the truth is that that picture was worth a thousand words. I kept the photo. It was a beautiful picture.

"Herms, you gotta eat…"

I looked up and saw Ron. He was being so sweet but I didn't know if I wanted to eat.

"I'm a zombie…"

"No, you're not Herms. So you need to eat."

"I don't know. I know nothing now"

I felt his arm around my waist lifting me from the cold floor. He led me to the kitchen and I sat in one of the chairs.

I remember when he died. It was during the final battle. I had killed one of the Death Eaters when I noticed this peculiar thing. There was a boy with Death Eater robes fighting side by side with Ron and Harry. I knew who he was. I felt such a joy. I went to him and pulled him away from the two boys and the Death Eater they were fighting. I kissed him and then I felt a wand pointed at me. I turned around and saw Voldemort himself pointing his wand at me.

"Avada Kedrava!" That's all I heard. I closed my eyes and said my mental goodbyes but nothing happened. I opened them and saw him. Lying. Dead.

"Okay, here you go!" Ron said pushing my thoughts aside "Eat! And that's an order!"

I ate. I guess I was kind of hungry. I just couldn't feel it. I can't feel anything anymore. I guess that's the meaning of Death. Not felling. The only thing I can feel is him. Sometimes when I'm somewhere that used to mean something I feel him. Brushing by me. Maybe I'm dead. When this thought hit me I fell to the floor. Ron ran to me but there was nothing he could do. I was dead. Since he died I was dead, I just didn't knew it.