The Warning Lables of Drinking Alcohol
Characters/Pairing: Ichigo. Hints of Ichigo/Rukia
Rating: T
Genre: Humor
Summary: The consequences of what happens to poor Ichi when he over-indulges in alcohol after the Winter War.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
Ichigo stumbled into a barstool and clumsily flung his arm around the person nearest him for support , who just so happened to be Uryu.
"Hey, Ishhhida," he slurred, tossing back another shot of sakè. Compelled by the smell of the inebriated former Soul Reaper, Uryu cringed. Ichigo didn't notice, but continued what he was saying in what he suppose was a hushed tone, but was actually a harsh shout. "Did you know...RENJI HAS A RECEDING HARLINE!" Ichigo fell onto the floor in a fit of giggles, limbs flailing around.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
Ichigo pirouetted about on the dance floor like a ballerina on crack. He swung his arms out and twirled with a gay smile on his face. It was...very unattractive.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
Ichigo blundered over to Orihime, who was munching on rice crackers and yogurt at a table on the far side of the bar. He snatched her wrist just as she was reaching out for her beverage and yanked her to her feet. Putting his hands on her shapely hips, he caught her full on the mouth in a sloppy french kiss that reeked of alcohol. "I love you, Rukia!" he declared, pulling away. Orihime, for a better word, looked shell-shocked, and just gaped like a fish. Ichigo tottered away from her and went over and draped his arms around Tessai's broad shoulders while wildly professing his love for the male. He did the same to Hiyori, who was a wrecking machine and a total bitch-more so than before-when drunk.
"I love you, Hiyoriii," Ichigo cried, and got a fist in the face for his efforts.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
"The reeeason," Ichigo droned on, sounding like a siren from a law enforcement vehicle, which they were going to be in dire requirement of if he kept singing. His voice cracked as it went up a couple octaves in his dirt poor attempt to sing Hoobastank's The Reason. Unfortunately, he didn't know the lyrics at all, so all he was capable of doing was screeching the song name at the expense of exploding everyone's eardrums while feedback ripped from the mike.
The tuneless wailing didn't stop for another 15 minutes, at which point Ichigo realized how much the song reminded him of Rukia and he began another self-invented musical wherein he cried about how much he missed her already-the reason he was smashed in the first place.
"MAKE IT STOOOOP!" Keigo howled.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to call them at four in the morning.
Ichigo didn't have any ex-lovers nor did he have the capacity to get laid at this point, so he called his dad instead and begged him to bring Rukia back, and if he couldn't do that, he wanted more beer because he'd been kicked out of the bar. After that, he re-dialed for Kisuke to help him and got a 1-800 number for a sex-line instead. The woman on the other end of the line got pissed off when he kept calling her Rukia and hung up.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
Ichigo was so drunk that he jumbled his words together, causing himself to get tongue-tied and inadvertently spraying spittle all over...Orihime, who was so horrified she didn't have words to communicate her shock.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers, resulting in you getting your ass kicked.
Ichigo had lost his mystical Kung Fu powers, thus why this fic was made in the first place. However, due to massive alcohol intake, Ichigo forgot that and picked a fight with his high school nemesis, Oshima, in an alley. He only got as far as flipping him off before Oshima grabbed him and dunked him head-first into a dumpster.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something scary.
Ichigo turned over in bed and saw that he was sleeping next to a realistic, life-sized Charlotte doll. He shit his pants when he saw that it was naked. "GYAAAAH!"
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead and knees.
Ichigo tried to do the Electric Slide on his face.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
Even though orange hair is a commodity, I think I speak for more people than myself when I say, even without alcohol consumption, Ichigo IS tougher, smarter, faster and better-looking than most people.
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that you are invisible.
"I'm naked," Ichigo whispered mysteriously, as if this were something only he knew up until now.
Orihime screamed, covering her eyes when she turned to see that Ichigo was stark naked. Uryu shot in the ass with a Quincy bow. "AAAAH!"
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that people are laughing WITH you.
Ichigo cursed when he spilled sakè all over his slacks and jumped off the stool at the bar. Behind him, Uryu sat down on a Whoopie Cushion that had been conveniently placed in his seat. Everyone took the opportunity to laugh and point fingers, including Ichigo, who didn't realize, in his drink-induced stupor, that they were all indicating him and not Ishida. The wet stains on the front of his pants looked like urine.
A/N: ROTFLMAO. That was horrible. Review, please.