In this story, I shall parody basically EVERY Christmas movie that you know of. So, expect this to be one of my weirdest fanfictions. ENJOY!
Disclaimer: I don't own either DP nor "A Christmas Carol"
PhantomAL
XMAS Story
Chapter 1
Painful Memories
(Danny's POV)
My grandfather was dead to begin with. As dead as a doornail. He died 7 years ago this Christmas eve. Ok, not really the most cheerful way to start off a humorous story, but it's how it begins. So anyway, in life my grandfather, David Fenton, was the former principal of Casper High. He wasn't the nicest guy around, but he had a soft spot for me.
But although my grandfather is a main part in this story, the main person we need to focus on was a man by the name of Vice Principal Edward Lancer. Yes, Lancer is basically the main character in this little story of mine. Because this guy was the most miserable, mean, sack of fat and hair that I've ever seen. Especially around the holidays. But the story actually starts 2 days before Christmas.
It was before school and I was at the park. The park was covered with snow. I had my jacket and jeans on. I had gloves on and a scarf. All of this on and I was still cold inside. My grandfather had died seven years ago that day. And I was sad beyond belief. I sat on the park bench and just started to think about my life, and my grandfather's. I kind of missed him a lot. I was about to walk to school when I felt a presence near me.
"I had a feeling you'd be depressed today" Sam said.
I looked up at her with a small smile. She was in a purple and white coat with a black scarf. She was wearing jeans and her traditional boots.
"How'd you figure?" I asked.
"Danny" she said, sitting next to me. "I've been your friend for at least ten years. I was alive seven years ago when…you know…it happened"
I then sighed. And looked down.
She put her hand on my shoulder.
"Danny, it's ok" she said. "You grandfather was a great person. Though he was kind of stern, and greedy, and a little obsessive, he was still a good person. You shouldn't feel like this during Christmas. And coming from someone like me, that should mean a lot"
She then hugged me. I hugged her back. She made me feel better, more happier.
I then smiled. For the first time all day, I was truly happy.
"C'mon" I said. "Let's get to school"
About 10 minutes later, we were at school. The school was decked out with Christmas decorations. And everyone was in the spirit of the holiday. Well…ALMOST everyone…
"Why should I donate money to the orphanage?" Lancer yelled into the telephone. "I give money to NPR, the prisons, and the poorhouses. Aren't there any of the latter two?"
"Yes, sir" the donatee on the phone said. "But many would rather be dead than go to those places!"
"Well, if they could die, then they should. There are too many people in this world as there is!"
He then slammed down the phone. Now, I knew that Lancer was mean and bitter, but that was just evil!
"Hmmm" Lancer said, sitting in his desk, going through papers. "Christmas. Just another reason for kids to get out of school to fill their heads with meaningless things like presents, candy, and decorated trees. Rubbish"
He then opened up his front desk drawer. Now, opening up a drawer creates a number of opportunities for the person opening said drawer. For example, one might find something new inside the drawer that would make them happy. Also, one might open said drawer and find something that would get them pissed and bitter. As you would've guessed it, Lancer's reaction to what happened next was the latter of the two.
A jack in the box came out dressed as an elf. Lancer, being in his late forties, was surprised. He flew back in his chair to the back of the room, hit his bookcase, making it topple, making the books hit his statues and pictures-shattering them. Lancer grabbed his chest and pulled some pills out of his pocket. He swallowed at least three of the pills and walked over to the jack in the box, picking up the piece of paper that came out of the box. Here's what was on it:
"Happy Holidays
S.M."
Lancer then got an evil look in his eyes and growled out the single name.
"Manson…"
Ok, this chapter might've been a little depressing for a humor fic, but it gets better. And the "NPR" reference is from one of comedians Patton Oswalt's comedy routines. He says: "I send money to NPR. But, it's UNLISTENABLE RADIO! I pay them money to NOT LISTEN TO THEM!" It really funny. It's on Comedy Central sometimes, so watch it next time you have the chance. READ AND REVIEW PLEASE!
PhantomAL