a/n: okay, so this is another songfic, this one is to More Like Her by Miranda Lambert. This idea wouldn't stop bugging me, so I had to write it. If it goes as I intend, it will be a sad story. It wont be one of those stories you read because you just want a happy ending with some adorable lovey dovey stuff in the middle, so if that is what you are looking for, I advise you go read something else cause this isnt going to be it. Anyways, enjoy if you can. Also, thanks for listening to my rambling. I know this author's note is pretty long and, ah. I'll just shut up now.
Dsclaimer: I own a box of collectable Mickey Mouse Band-Aids, but sadly, I do not own Victorious.
~* In loving memory of the three dedicated Arianators that took their own lives on September 10th and 11th, 2011. The Ariana Army has lost three amazing soldiers. They are dearly missed. *~
Jade POV
Sure, she's beautiful. Probably more beautiful than I ever could be. She has always been better than me, no matter how hard I try, she would always win. He told me there was one thing I could never lose, his love. But as always, she won that too. He left me without thinking twice. Sometimes I wonder if he ever thinks about me, thinks about how he left me out in the cold, with no one. I felt like the ground underneath me had vanished, leaving me to fall. Sooner or later, I would hit the bottom. I didnt know what would happen then. He never explained to me exactly why he chose her, he left me to figure it out on my own. I'm so different from her that it could have been anything. Everyone knew she was more talented than me, she was prettier, she didnt get angry as easily as I did, she's not possessive of him like I was, she doesnt get jealous as easily. And I know why that is; she takes him for granted. She thinks he will never leave her for anything, I was constantly terrified he would leave me, thats exactly why I got jealous so easily. Especially with her, she was so much better than I was and I was afraid that after one look at her, he would up and leave me in a heartbeat.
She apparantly doesn't get insecure about anything, even when he falls in love with other girls on stage, which was something that always killed me inside. Ever since he kissed her in the alphabet improv I knew that if anyone was to take him from me, it would be her. I tried my hardest to keep it from happpening. I did my best to scare her as far away as possible and always tried to let him know i didnt want him to leave, that i wouldnt be able to take it. I guess I tried to hard and came off too pushy, because within the next two years, he was gone.
The first time it happened was in the alphabet improv, it killed me inside to see him, my boyrfriend, kiss her, the new girl who thought she could just come into our school and do whatever she wanted.
I was outraged at her and felt betrayed by him, the only person I felt I could fully trust. He promised me it meant nothing to him and that if he had known it would have upset me so much he would have never kissed her, but I knew that it meant alot more than nothing to her. I saw the way she looked at him when she thought I wasn't watching her, I saw the way she flirted shamelessly with him, even though he seemed unphased. I saw how she held onto him a little bit too long when they hugged. I saw the way she always tried to lock his gaze with hers.
The second time he kissed her was about a year later, we were going through a rough patch and I came to his RV late one night because I felt so bad about what I had said to him earlier that day during a fight, I had told him I hated him and that I never wanted to see him again in my life. I couldnt even remember what the fight was about, all I knew is that I had gone home angry and that I had cried more that day than I remember ever crying. I opened his door, ready to apologize and try to fix everthing when I saw her. He was kissing her. He looked up and I ran to my car, he obviously saw me because he ran out the door behind me. He was faster than I was and he caught me by the arm before I was able to get out of his reach. "Let. Go. Of. Me." I said trying to make my voice sound sharp and cold, but it came out more like a whimper. "Jade, no. Let me explain, please" I looked up to meet his eyes, no longer scared to let him see me cry. He deserved the guilt of seeing me like that. He deserved to know how much he had hurt me.
Before I could speak, she came through the door. "Beck, what the-" He cut her off, "Tori, no. Just go home. I dont, I dont want to see you right now." his voice was colder and harder than I had ever heard it. She looked offended for a moment, then upset, then she walked to her car and drove away. He didnt take his eyes off of me the whole time. I pulled away from his grip, "Jade, please" he pleaded. "Let me explain" after debating it briefly, I nodded a tiny bit. Didn't I at least owe him that much? He took my hand and led my inside our RV. He pulled the door closed behind me and sat down on the bed, this is when I would usually sit on his lap, when I didnt make any move to do so, he sighed and started speaking. " She came over and wanted to see if there was any spark between us, I was still angry at you, so I agreed. It was a stupid idea, Jade. I'm sorry. now, I know you're probably still mad at me, so if you leave right now I will completely understand, but before you go i want you to know that I love you, Jade. I love you, and only you." In a sudden burst of impulse, I walked over to him and pressed my lips to his in a deep kiss. I poured all my love for him into that kiss. After I pulled away, I whispered "Did you feel anything?" He kissed me again and whispered "So much more than I will ever feel with anyone else."
I fell asleep in his arms that night, sure that from then on everything would be perfectly okay.
I was horribly wrong.
After about eight months, everything was fine. It was summer, I was spending as much of my time as possible with Beck, but I still felt like something was wrong. I didnt have any proof, it was just one of those feelings, you know? The kind that just leave you feeling unsettled. I woke up one morning and felt sick to my stomach, it got worse by the second, within the minute i was in the bathroom vomitting the contents of my stomach. Beck held back my hair and rubbed my back, when I was done he gave me a warm washcloth to clean my face with and stayed home with me for the rest of the day.
The next day, he was leaving for Canada. He would be gone for three weeks. He didnt really want to go but his dad was making him. I was dreading the day that he would leave. But, unfortunately, that day did come. I stayed in his RV for a while, and about three days after he left, I woke up feeling sick to my stomach again. Once again I emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet and blamed it on the fact that I was anxious without Beck being here. The next day it happened again, and the next day. And so on for about a week and a half, until I finally made myself go to the doctor.
I sat in the waiting room, tapping my foot anxiously. I had waited for about a half hour when I heard the nurse call my name, "Jadelyn West" I stood up and walked down the hall shakily, already pretty much knowing what they would tell me, but too afraid of it to face it. The doctor came into the room they put me in and went over the standard tests, then he walked out of the room. I sat by myself for what seemed like hours, I called Beck. "Hey, babe" He said as he answered the phone. I talked to him for a bit, asked him about what he was doing up there and everything, the sound of his voice calming my nerves a great bit.
A few minutes later, the doctor came back in, "Jadelyn, congradulations, you're pregnant" I froze up completely and droppped the phone. My brain becoming over-crowded with unwanted thoughts. How was I supposed to raise a kid? I'm still a kid myself. I'm still in high school! and what kind of mother would I be? I never had a mother figure in my life!
I heard Beck yelling into the phone, "Jade, Jade? you still there?"
When he came home, I still hadn't talked to him since I dropped the phone. I went over to his RV after a few days, ready to tell him the news that I was carrying his baby. I opened the door and saw him making out with her. I closed the door and walked out, this time he was too involved in the kissing that he didnt even notice me. I ran and didnt come back.
I haven't heard anything about them, although Cat told me a few months ago that they weren't doing well. I still talk to Cat alot, as well as Andre. They had been like family to me since we were younger and they are the only people from my past who know my daughter, Jamie. They are the only people that know that she is named after Beck, his middle name is James. I sat down to tuck her into bed, as I do every night. She has her father's eyes, and his crooked grin. She has our shared passion for the performing arts and while she has my attitude towards life, she has the same innocence as he did. Everytime I tuck her in at night, I feel like crying. She's so perfect and amazing, the only thing that gets me up in the morning and gives me strength to stand during the day. She has never met her father, and now that she has found out that not all kids are raised by only thier mother, she has been asking me why she doesnt have a Daddy. I can never find the strength to tell her about him, the memories are to painful. Once she was settled in, she asked me to sing her a song, this was a nightly thing. Even though my vocals aren't exactly what they used to be, she loves to hear me sing.
"She's beautiful, in her simple little way
She don't have too much to say when she gets mad.
She understands
She don't let go of anything
Even when the pain gets really bad.
I guess I should have been more like that.
You had it all
For a pretty little while
And somehow you made me smile when I was sad
You took a chance
On a bruised and beaten heart
And then you realized you wanted what you had
I guess I should have been more like that.
I should have held on to my pride
I should have never let you lie
I guess you got what you deserved
I guess I should have been more like her"
I don't have to sing any more after that, I never do. She falls asleep fast. I kiss her forehead, turn on her nightlight and walk into the kitchen and pour myself a cup of coffee, I sit down in front of the tv and after a few minutes, I hear someone knock on the door. I was only about eight thirty so I assumed it was Cat, She often drops by after Jamie's bed time to talk. I walked over to the door and opened it. My jaw dropped at the person I saw standing in front of me.
"Beck, what are you doing here?" I asked, my voice cold, hard and sharp.
After a nearly suffocating moment of silence that seemed to last an eternity, he spoke,"I came to meet my daughter, and see how you were doing." His eyes never met mine.
I gave in to the pleadingness in his voice and let him in, though i wasn't waking Jamie up just yet. "Beck," I started, my voice softer this time. "It's been over five years," He looked down, ashamed. "Are you still with Tori?" I couldnt stop the words from coming out of my mouth. He looked shocked for a moment and then answered the question. "No. She left me a few months ago. I haven't stopped thinking about you ever since you left, you know?"
My mouth fell open once again. "I left? You were the one that dumped me for princess perfect!"
He looked up at me with a confused expression. "No, Jade. I didn't. I came home from Canada because I was worried about you after you didnt call me back and Tori said that you had left. She said you gotten mad at me for going to Canada and so you moved in with your mom in Florida. I started dating Tori after that, but she was no replacement for you. I managed convince myself that I loved her and that I wasn't still madly in love with you, until Cat told me about Jamie. Then Tori and I started having problems and she left. So I came here"
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. For some reason I knew every bit of when he was telling me was true. I felt myself throw my body into his arms and and cover his lips with mine. "I missed you so much, Beck" I admitted, tears falling down my face. "I missed you, too. More and more every single day."
After a few minutes I woke Jamie up and brought her into the living room, "Jamie, meet your daddy." I told her in a soft voice, she looked confused as I bounced her slightly on my hip. Then she clapped and I sat her down on the carpeted floor.
She ran up to him and hugged him, he picked her up and spun her around. She giggled and squealed as he smiled at her. I couldn't help the grin that was pulling at the corners of my mouth.
After a while, Jamie fell asleep. Beck looked down at her, sleeping on his lap and I saw a tear roll down his cheek. "She's something, isn't she?" I said quietly. He nodded, and turned to me "You're doing an amazing job raising her, I am so sorry I haven't been here." He looked back at her and ran his fingers through her dark hair. I picked her up of his lap and took her back to bed, when I came back into the living room Beck turned to me. "I better get going.."
I felt a sharp pain in my heart at the thought of losing him once more. "No, you can stay here." I went into my room and grabbed some blankets and pillows. I handed them to him. "You can sleep on the couch" I went back to my room and dug through my dresser drawers until I found what i was looking for. I went back to where he was and handed him one of his old T-shirts and a pair of his boxers. They were faded with age, the hems slightly frayed from constant use. He stared at me in disbelief. "You kept these?" He asked softly. "Well, yeah. I used to wear them all the time and they've always made me feel so safe. Kind of like you were still here," I admitted quietly. "I just couldn't let myself get rid of them." He smiled and pulled me into his arms.
Just like he used to do.
a/n: so I changed the ending. I had absolutley no clue that was going to happen, I just wrote until I was satisfied. I hope you liked it. I kinda did, it is the first I have ever written like this. I'm sorry if the style is kind of hard to understand, it kind of jumps from past to present tense alot, I tried to fix what I could. Also, I know that it's kind of scrambled and whatnot. If you have any questions PM me or leave it in the review or something. I will do my best to give you an answer.
xoxo,
Me