Stages of Grief

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross states a dying person experiences five stages when faced with the prospect of imminent death. Kenny, of course, is familiar with all five.

I. Denial
"Hey dudes!"

"Hey, Kenny," was the nonchalant reply in unison. "What's up?" Kyle added.

"Went to the doctor yesterday," Kenny said rather cheerfully. "It was loads of fun, though a complete waste of money, on my mom's part."

"Wait, wait, wait, lemme get this straight." Eric Cartman cleared his throat. "The McKormicks actually had enough money to see a doctor?"

Kenny ignored his. Apparently, so did Kyle and Stan.

"What'd he say?"

"First off, it was a female doctor," corrected Kenny, licking his lips appreciatively. "Second, she was hot. Like, banging hot."

"Sweet!" Stan and Kyle said in unison, recalling their old teacher Ms. Ellen. "So what'd the doctor say?"

"Oh, nothing really. I might die again in a couple of days. Nothing too much."

A passing elder looked incredulously at the blonde boy, perhaps envious of his reaction. After all, it wasn't every day people enjoyed talking about their death beds.

"So you're gonna die?" Kyle asked, his bluntness striking the elder as ever odder.

"Pretty much." And the four gave it a laughed and left it as is, leaving a completely stunned, elderly man to stare horrifically at the scene.

II. Anger
"Hey Kenny!" Kyle called to his friend from his porch. "Stan and I were thinking of what you're epitaph will be this time."

"Sweet!" Kenny said happily, and he bounced inside the Broflovski household. "Good afternoon, Mrs. Broflovski!"

"Good afternoon, Kenny. Having a good day?"

"Doctor says I might die tomorrow!"

"That's nice," she said absentmindedly, turning back to her Matzah ball soup. "Any clue as to how?"

"Nope!" said Kenny, "but I can't wait! It is pretty fu—frickin' sweet every time I die!—especially when I find out how I died."

Thankfully, the elderly man was not inside the house, for he would've surely popped a vein.

…and, unlike in Kenny's case, no one would be able to tell him so.

III. Bargaining
"You don't regret anything?" Stan asked quietly, and Kenny shook his head.

"Nope, never do. It doesn't really matter, anyway. I'll just come back, and if I really wanted to, I could fix my mistakes then."

"You never fear if your next death might be your last?"

"Nope." Kenny sighed. "If it were my last, though… well. I'll be royally fucked, then."

"I'm sure you wouldn't mind," Stan added, and the both erupted into laughter. In the distance Stan could vaguely see his sister shaking her head furiously…. "If it was your last, and you got denied into heaven… you wouldn't complain?"

"Nope," said Kenny. "Why bargain for the impossible? Besides, only Mormon can go into heaven, and I don't think it's worth converting, frankly."

IV. Depression
"I'm going to die today!" Kenny exclaimed the second he saw his friends at the bus stop. "Dude, I can't wait!"

"What a fag," muttered Cartman. "If I were to die, I'd care about how I did it."

Kenny glared. "You think I don't care about how I die? Of course I do, Cartman! This is gonna be my two hundredth death! If you think I'll just sulk around and make it a crappy one, you're fucking wrong."

"Kenny's not gonna let it go like Stan would," said Kyle. "He's not emo enough to just let death walk through the front door."

"I'm not emo!"

"Yes you are, Stan, now shut up and cut your hair."

V. Acceptance
"It's fucking nine already!" Kenny growled, pacing in the park as Kyle watched him tensely. "Damnit, I don't want my death to be fucking lame!"

"You sure doctor said it was today?"

"'course she did," snapped Kenny, sighing. "Fucking hell, I wanted this to be cool."

"Maybe you should just… you know. Take whatever comes at you, and be happy with that."

"No!" yelled Kenny, his voice echoing into the air. "I won't accept a fucking lame death! I won't—" but he was silenced, as, after inspecting the scene a moment later, a tree had collapsed onto the now immobile Kenny.

Kyle frowned for a moment at the lifeless Kenny, and then shrugged.

"I think… I think that counts as a lame death." Kyle stuffed his hands in his pockets and walked off. "Won't be telling him about that one…."

-

And so, the five steps. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression Acceptance.
Kenny knew them all.

I was originally going to make this a more angsty one shot, but I figured the comedic approach would be better. Review, please?
-Zak