Notes: After about two frustrating months of writer's block I've finally managed to write more than just a few sentences and actually finish it. (It's okay, I'll celebrate by myself, you're not obliged to come.)

This is my first time writing for this fandom. I'd describe it as a self-indulgent Ilya oneshot based on Fate/Zero and vaguely inspired by Fate/stay night which means Ilya acts more her actual age and not the age she looks like. I hope you enjoy.

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A Heart Away

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A prisoner behind the walls
A heart away

— Allein, allein; Polarkreis 18

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The sky in the dim light of the evening is hung with grey clouds. The white layers of snow cover the cold ground. It's not winter yet, but the days have grown shorter and she knows that it won't be long before the change of seasons — not that she ever witnessed it herself. The magic field enclosing the castle in which she resides enforces a never ending winter which keeps the snow from melting. She's never been allowed to leave these grounds in all of her life.

With a suppressed sigh, Ilyasviel von Einsbern closes her eyes to ignore the overly familiar view which lies outside her window. She is so tired of this place, but she has learnt not to let it show. Her own wishes and desires — her own feelings — are of little concern to the Einsbern family. As the head of the family, Jubstacheit von Einsbern alone determines what matters and what doesn't. Ilya — as she prefers to shorten her name — calls him grandfather as she was taught to, though she knows they're not exactly related like that. Things are always a little more complicated with mages, she's become aware of that a while ago.

Upon opening her eyes again, her gaze falls onto the forest surrounding the castle in the steep mountains. With its size it's hard to miss even though it becomes nothing more but a field shrouded darkness as the night grows. When Ilya was still a kid she used to go out there a lot, looking for buds in the nut trees. (Despite the artificial winter the trees inside the magic field still blossom according to the seasons in the land.) It used to be her little competition with her father and she treasured the times they went out to the forest for another round.

Now the memories just pain her. Because if — of the few people she knows — there's one man she rejects more than her distant grandfather, it's her father Emiya Kiritsugu. The man who had promised to come back for her, but never showed his face here again since leaving this place for the first time in Ilya's life. The man who remained in that far off country he'd gone to and taken in another child while leaving her behind. So she has been told and while she feels no affection towards Old Man Acht — how her grandfather is often called by others — she sees no reason to doubt his words and the reliability of his sources.

If there's something Ilya finds more unforgivable than her father Kiritsugu not coming back for her, it's him taking in another child when he should be caring for Ilya.

Drumming her fingers on the window sill, she tries to release some of the tension the turmoil of these thoughts cause in her small body. Her eyes take in the reflection in the glass right in front of her. The childlike face framed with silver-white hair displays no softness. The crimson eyes stare darkly back at her. It is a look so unusual for a child, but that is simply because Ilya has already passed from childhood into teenage. What really is unfitting is for this body she was born with to grow slower than normal and not represent her actual age.

This winter she will turn fifteen.

Though Ilya has no direct comparison for how a girl her age should look, she instinctively feels that something is different with how her body develops. It feels wrong. A sentiment she cannot express towards anyone. She was told that it served a purpose — that she served a purpose — and was expected to accept it without complaint.

By then she knew better than to express her true feelings. She had already learned before to bottle up her grief over her father not returning to her. Quietly bearing with whatever was put onto her is just another step in taking on the role that was designated for her.

"What is it, Ilya?" a tender voice speaks from behind her.

Ilya looks over her shoulder to be greeted by the pleasant smile of her mother. The long silver-white hair of the woman falls onto her shoulders in straight line. The crimson eyes radiate with love. One could say that Ilya is the image of her mother, but the truth is that both of them were created after the image of their ancestor Justeaze Lizrich von Einsbern. Both of them are homunculi, artificial humans created by the Einsbern family. The only difference in their creation is that Ilya was born from a womb and not nursed inside a tub like her mother.

It is that very mother who gave birth to Ilya who is now looking at her child from the settee at the other end of the small bedroom.

Unlike her husband, Irisviel von Einsbern has not broken her promise towards her beloved daughter: though the woman cannot be here physically, her presence remained with Ilya since she left with Kiritsugu for that far away country. The girl understands that it has something to do with how her mother came to be but the exact details were not explained to her.

Without giving an answer to the question of her mother, Ilya turns away and heads towards the wide bed with dainty covers. In the first years after her parents left the girl found comfort in the presence of her mother which is imprinted in her memories so clearly it becomes almost like a vision. When Ilya was plagued with nightmares she could sneak into the embrace of those slender arms. To her the warmth was real, so were the soothing whispers which reassured her.

But over the passing years, Ilya began to feel more and more empty. Though her mother's words and gestures are full of love, there is nothing she can actually do for her daughter. Because Irisviel von Einsbern disappeared from this world. To say she died is probably not quite accurate as her body created by humans found its designated end by shifting into another form. Her consciousness remains in Ilya's mind, but she has no longer any influence on the world outside of her daughter's mind.

Iri cannot stand up to Jubstacheit von Einsbern and curse him for the burden he's putting on her daughter like Ilya wishes she dared to do herself. Iri cannot take her daughter away from this place like Kiritsugu promised, but never did. And this makes Ilya feel so alone and abandoned, she wants to break down and cry almost every night.

She cannot show this though, because she doesn't want her mother to worry and try to build her up with words that Ilya would have to admit have become meaningless to her. She cannot show it or the maids might hear and tell Old Man Acht who then would proceed to lecture her about her significant role to the Einsbern family and how there are far more important things than what she could be shedding tears over.

Ilya is alone. The magic field around the castle isolates her from the rest of the world. The people living in the castle with her press her into a role she never wanted to play. No one is really considering her. She lost the protection of the two people who held her when she was a kid. Her mother cannot act as her shield and her father abandoned her completely.

The last thing she heard from the man called Emiya Kiritsugu was about two years ago. His scouts informed Jubstacheit von Einsbern about the man's passing. When Ilya learnt the news from her grandfather she took them calmly with a blank expression. Inside she wanted to rage and scream. Her only hope of unloading all those pent up feelings — all the anger and frustration about the betrayal of her father and the treatment she received in Einsbern castle — onto someone were taken from her in that moment.

Somehow Ilya had clung to the hope that she might be able to break away from this place and make it to the city where Kiritsugu had settled down. She wanted no apologies and excuses from him, but she wanted him to see and feel her anger. With his early death that too became a hollow image she had held on to for nothing — just like the arms of her mother. There was no comfort left in neither of those things. She would never see her father again who used to carry her through the snow-covered forest on his shoulders. She would never be able to confront her father who broke his promise to return to her side. And her mother was only a powerless image.

That night was the last time she wrapped up in her mother's arms. She let Irisviel belief that she was grieving over her father's death out of love alone. There was no need to burden the gentle woman with the knowledge of how much Ilya had come to resent her own father. The tears were hot and suffocating, but eventually they ran out, leaving the girl drained in the embrace of her mother.

As Ilya recovered from the setback fate had dealt her with, she was forming her new resolve. She would participate in the Holy Grail War like her grandfather wanted her to. She would train hard until that day she would be allowed to leave this castle and come to the city where her father had settled and died. She wants to at least see the boy Kiritsugu chose over her, the boy who was able to be by Kiritsugu's side while Ilya remained trapped in the artificial winter of the Einsbern family's residence.

Having nothing else to do at the end of this day, Ilya has retreated to her bed. By now she has become so good at ignoring her mother's attempts to interact with her that she barely took note of anything Iri said before she gave up and her picture disappeared. Left alone in the solitary reality of her room, Ilya is lying on her back and staring at the ceiling.

Not for the first time she wonders what he looks like — the boy who seems to have taken her place as Kiritsugu's child so easily. Her heart stings once again with the thought of how disposable she is. But not for Jubstacheit von Einsbern. He keeps reminding her that the task ahead is one only she can fulfill. She doesn't like it particularly, she doesn't like his reasons, but she's become more accepting of it.

This role is hers alone. This role, no one can take from her. She won't be replaced by anyone as the Einsbern's master in the Fifth Holy Grail War. And even if in the time till it takes place another contestant for it should appear, she won't let them take it from her. She will travel to Fuyuki city as the master of the Einsbern family in the Fifth Holy Grail War and fulfill her role in winning the Grail.

So she swears in the darkness of her room.

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