A/N; Hello loves, so this is a little one shot that has been plaguing my thoughts since forever. It would not leave me alone until I wrote it out so here it is. It's a Rufly one shot based off the end of season 5 also it is written in first person from Lily's point of view. I really wanted to get this up before the GG premiere on Monday since I know that none of this will probably happen or anything but it's what I had envisioned could've happened or what I wished would happen. If you've read any of my other stuff you know how lame I am, review make my life..hint hint(: Happy reading! xoxo
"Even the hardest of hearts can crack sometimes…"
It had been three months since I decide to annual my marriage to Rufus. The decision was not made out of spite, and it was not made lightly. Sitting in this apartment without him, hurts. Every bone in my body aches, feels heavy when I move even the slightest. Rufus's things are gone and it leaves the apartment feeling eerily empty. Shaking my head I chaste myself he didn't want to make it work, he wasn't willing to compromise. It's when I see that faded flannel laying crumbled at my side of the bed that gets me. He left it and I didn't have the strength to give it back, to see him. I nearly sprint from the room and make my way down the stairs. After making a drink it's in this solitary moment as I gaze at the fire and sip my gin the uncanny resemblance to my mother smacks me in the face. A conversation Rufus and I had nearly five years ago comes unbidden back into my head.
"I never wanted to be like my mother. I always wanted to be open to life and fearless."
Even then I revealed cracks of myself that reflected my mother but still I was living my own life. Well, for the most part there was the whole cancer thing that she helped with but other than that, I was in control. My fingers curl around the cool crystal glass easily lifting it to my lips and taking a large gulp. There was a brief period when I blamed Rufus for not wanting to have anything to do with what I'd become, who I became but right now I find that I can't blame him. Frankly, I wouldn't even want to be with me. This is not who I want to be with him. This is not who I want to be never has been, and Rufus knew that helped me grow, change. However, after my mother's death I effectively chalked up all personal growth and threw it out the window. My heart constricts as his words from six years ago resound loudly in my head.
"I never should've let you, let me go." I felt all the air leave my lungs as the phone clicked off. Shaking the thoughts on our failed past and why it ultimately ended is too painful to re-live. It was solely my fault for our falling out, when I left it wasn't without a heavy broken heart. But I just wasn't ready and Cece had a solution. Damn that woman had a solution for everything.
So, I choose Bart over Rufus…and not for the first time. God what is wrong with me? Did I not learn from the first time around, when I married Bart? Clearly not, but Bart has really been trying to put in more of an effort in this time but it's just, he's not Rufus. Plain and simple. I miss the hint of stubble as it brushed against my flesh as he worshiped my body with kisses. Oh, his kisses I crave the passion, the love behind every single one. I miss Rufus.
"I always tried to do the right thing"
"That's all you can do. Just smile and fake it"
Honestly at the time I thought Bart was the right choice even back then I thought it was the most reasonable choice. The less risky choice, the one society would approve of. Back then I put my daughter's happiness before my own I married Bart even though I was still very much in-love with Rufus. This time around Rufus and I were in possibly our worst state, so I chose Bart and maybe it was partly because I felt guilty. Now sitting alone in this big ol' apartment it just seems so empty. Yes, Bart's things have replaced Rufus's. Gone are the countless flannels, and in come the suits. The Welcome Back Kotter mugs, all those vinyl records, his guitars, and the waffle iron, gone it's all gone. I had never been to keen on some of those items, I might have even teased Rufus about them, but they were his…they made him, Rufus, the love of my life.
My stomach grumbles, I really shouldn't be drinking like this on and an empty stomach. Oh, well who would care anyway? Bart is barely ever around and when he is, I find myself suffocated by his stiff personality. Lately I can't even bring myself to eat much that way the liquor will work quicker, and also because I got so spoiled having Rufus around. He really is one helluva cook.
Swallowing the remainder of my glass of gin I shrug further into my sweater, sinking back against the couch cushions. The sharp buzz of my blackberry springs me from my trance. Snatching it up I read Bart's text; "Working late, Sorry Sweetheart!" I can't help the frown that falls over my lips..Rufus never would've passed me up for work. But that was one of the many differences between them, closing out of the text message my fingers skillfully scroll through my contact list. Bart, Blair, Charles, Daniel, Bitch, Tool, Eleanor, Eric, Cartier, Asshole, Botox Junkie, Jenny, Attorney, and there's his name. Rufus.
For some reason staring at his name highlighted on my phone makes me hold my breath. A sharp pain sears through the rest of my body. My fingers tremble against my blackberry keyboard I can't call him, what would I even say? The soft click of the disk changer rotating nearly breaks me as 'Rosewood' begins to fill the living room. That dreadful Thanksgiving with Alison, flooding back to me. I still can't believe that Alison honestly thought Rosewood was written about her, please. Of course that song had been written about me, most of Lincoln Hawk's songs were inspired by things and places Rufus and I explored together.
His voice fills the room and my heart constricts. My fingers click text message; a blank message screen glares up at me, what do I say? No, what I want, what I need to say should be said out loud directly to him. A text message would be far too impersonal. Right? He probably wouldn't even answer even if I did call, why would he? I effectively broke his heart, and not for the first time.
Pushing myself off the couch I pocket my blackberry and stagger over to the kitchen. I need another drink. More straight gin? Sure why not, I shrug silently watching as the liquor tumbles effortlessly into my small glass. I push a hand through my wavy blonde hair, Rufus loved my hair like this. With the crushing reminder stabbing my heart, I lift the glass and tilt it back. After swallowing my brief pull I let out a gentle breath, leaning against the counter for support. Slowly I lift my glass to my lips swallowing down more straight gin. Once I quickly finish off my drink I gaze absentmindedly at the empty glass. My eyes narrow, my hand snatching the phone off it's cradle and my fingers begin to punch in the familiar number. The ring echoes back at me and when someone finally picks up on the other end I sigh and explain that I need a car to take me to Brooklyn. It must be the gin pumping in my veins that's making me like this. Nostalgic. Weak.
The ride in the plush limo seems to stretch forever, and while I sit there twisting my bracelet around my wrist I pause and reach for a glass. I make another drink more so to cease my fidgeting than anything else. My mind is a jumbled mess, I know I shouldn't be doing this I'm technically married to Bart, but my heart is still Rufus's. So, I guess that's my answer right there. I take a gulp of gin and nibble on my thumb nail absentmindedly what if Rufus won't even talk to me. Another gulp, and I reach to refill my glass why is this drive taking so long? I silently wonder before my mind drifts back to Rufus. I haven't seen him since that day, I gave him the papers since then it's been sent back and fourth. He never fought me for the money, but that was no surprise it was never about the money for him. I lick my lips and glance out the window we're almost there, letting out a gentle sigh I down the rest of my glass and place it into the cup holder. Eventually the car slows and I can feel my body temperature rise, the driver parks and scurries over to open my door. On shaky legs I step out of the limo and barely acknowledge the driver and exhale before heading towards the building.
Suddenly as I face the all too familiar loft door I feel all the air leave my lungs, and the blood drains from my face. What the hell am I doing here? Right, I miss Rufus. That's what brought me to his doorstep, that and the gin. My heart seems to have climbed to my throat effectively choking me. I attempt to take a deep breath, my fingers smoothing down my wavy blonde hair before I curl my nimble fingers into a fist lifting it to the door. Letting out a shaky breath my hand hangs midair not making contact with the loft door quite yet. Sure, I still have my key, just like I still have his flannel, but using my key would be crossing a line. Shaking my head I bite down hard on my lower lip and my knuckles crack against the loft door.
There's a clatter from the other side of the door and a muffled damnit. It makes me smile for some reason it must just be the sound of his voice. As the loft door creaks open I exhale loudly releasing a breath I didn't realize I'd been holding in. My red rimmed eyes scan over his appearance squinting to see if anything was out of order, assessing that nothing had changed about him. The light from the loft spills into the dimly lit hallway illuminating my facial features. No words pass between us, we're both just staring, taking in the sight of one another after three months. As the silence hangs between us I can't handle his intense gaze and the confusion etched into his facial features so I break my eyes from his. I drop my head and tuck a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
"Lily…what are you doing here?" He says and I can tell from his tone of voice he sounds exasperated, defeated even.
I shift my weight between my feet daring to peak up at him through my long lashes. "Rufus…" it comes out small, whiny, weak which are things I never wanted to resort to. "Please," I find myself begging taking a tentative step forward, standing in front of him I feel as if all my walls crash down. The façade deflates, leaving in the remains the woman I am. That same bright eyed twenty year old groupie he fell in love with. The girl he wrote Rosewood, Everytime and many more about. I hope that he can still look beneath all the exterior all the fake smiles and still find me, the me I want to be for him, for us.
"Lily…its over, you made your choice. We're done."
"I made a mistake." it just slipped out the alcohol coursing through my body making everything I want to say seemingly leave me tongue without a second thought.
"It's too late." That was all he breathed out before gently shutting the door on me. I think I would've been alright if he slammed the door in my face, it's the calmness he exudes that breaks me. Tears spring to my eyes and I slap a hand over my gaping mouth to conceal my sharp in take of air. My legs give out beneath my weight and I slowly slump to the hallway floor. It's dirty, but that the last thing on my mind. I want Rufus back. How can I make him see I just got lost for a little while? That I still want to be Mrs. Humphrey, that I still mean my vows. He is truly the only one whose ever fully loved me and cherished me. Over the last eight months life has taken it's toll on our relationship. From my mother's death, finding out Charlie is really Ivy, Ivy receiving my mother's inheritances, being banished to Brooklyn, lying to Rufus, making things work, selling the apartment, Rufus paying Ivy's way, family dinner-Rufus won't come, Charlie is really Serena and Eric's half sister, yes William had an affair with Carol while I was still married to him, conspiring with Ivy to get Carol arrested, Rufus want to come to dinner-I lie tell him dinner's canceled, Family dinner, Accusing Carol and getting her arrested, Rufus knows, Saying horrible things to Rufus, Bart-alive, Rufus calling, seeing Bart, Bart signing divorce papers, papers Rufus had drawn up, a lot of thinking, a week later- choosing Bart.
My eyes scrunch together and I bite down on my lip to avoid from breaking down. It doesn't work though. The tears fall from my eyes, I have always prided myself on having a tough exterior keeping things tightly locked away showing society that no matter what they couldn't break me. But this whole thing with Rufus is my undoing, he has always been the only one who could look beneath the façade and find me, the real me. Now that I've lost that one person I feel incomplete, like a robot sleepwalking through this life. Rufus makes me feel alive, makes life worth while, his smile, his scent, his waffles, his flannels, Lincoln Hawk, all of the things that make him, quirks that I used to maybe feel indifferent about I want back. There is nothing I want more than to wake up tangled up in his arms and suffocated by his scent. My sobs subside and I rub my palms against my jeans attempting to calm myself down. Crying will not change my circumstances, so I take a deep breath and try to clear my mind.
All the alcohol flowing through my blood stream makes it difficult, to think straight but I put all my focus on it. I sniffle and wipe some remaining tears from my cheeks and stare in front of myself at the brick wall. My head feels heavy from the combination of the alcohol and the crying, I momentarily wonder if Rufus heard my unraveling from the other side of the loft door. Part of me thinks if he had he would've opened the door, however the logical part of me is screaming that I damaged our relationship too far. Leaning my head back against the loft door I lick my lips and fiddle with my bracelet thinking of Rufus and everything I need to say to him. The hallway is dark and it's comforting for my current state, a shiver trails it's way down my spine as I sit there. Slowly I begin to doze off my mind occupied with thoughts of Rufus and I, happier times.
It was only a few hours later when a streak of light sprawls across my face and causes me to stir on the floor. I stretch slightly and shiver my vision is fuzzy and it takes me a moment to register my surroundings. Once I finally realize where I am, I sigh maybe it would be best to just leave. Pretend last night was all just a bad dream, pretend that it never happened. No, I came this far. With a cracked heart I know who makes me the happiest and that I have hurt him, and not just once. I have a lot of mending to do but I am more than willing to do anything for Rufus, he is the love of my life.
I twist the bracelet round and round the circumference of my wrist, it clicks every so often and the corner of my lips twitch. My limbs ache from spending the night on the cold floor. Suddenly I'm broken out of my trance as the loft door whirls open to reveal a well rested but sad Rufus. Releasing my bracelet I rub my palms on my legs preparing myself to stand up. Rufus glances over me confusion taking over his face. "Lily…what?"
"I slept on the floor," I say answering his unanswered question shrugging my shoulders. "I stayed up most of the night…trying to figure out what to say to you, to make you understand."
"There's nothing to say Lily."
"Rufus, please don't interrupt. I love you, always have…always will. My life doesn't make sense without you. I am not the woman I want to be without you, I lost myself for a little while. I am so sorry, for everything, but Rufus I really want to try and make us work."
"Too much has happened Lil,"
"Rufus, I'm not saying it's going to be easy, we're opposites, things have never been easy for us. But I really want to try and fix us, re-build, start fresh." I say with a slight shrug glancing over him nervously wondering what his reaction might be.
"And how do you think we are going to do that?" He asks with a raised eyebrow while leaning against the loft door.
"Maybe starting with breakfast," I find myself suggesting as I eye Rufus expectantly.
He tosses his head side to side seeming to physically weigh out the options and possibilities this breakfast could have in store for us. Rufus shrugs and his brow furrows together he is going to have a rough time letting me back in, that much is clear. "Okay. Did you want to go home and change?"
Oh, he still knows me so well, I can't help but grin and shake my head. "No, unless you're saying I need to."
"You were always surprising me,"
Rufus laughs and shakes his head at me, oh that laugh is music to my ears. It felt like I hadn't heard him laugh for a century. Stepping back he allows me to enter the loft and lifts his arms up in mock surrender. "Not at all, I've seen you worse." There's my Rufus making jabs to our days on the road together. Those days were always some of my happiest, we were so young and in-love. I never fell out of love with Rufus if I was being honest with myself. My marriage record is proof of that. We eye each other and the room becomes thick. I swallow the lump in my throat and take a seat at the counter as Rufus stands on the opposite side silently shuffling things around. "Waffles?"
"Yes, waffles sound perfect!" I say softly as I peak up at him, as he begins to pull out the proper ingredients and warm the waffle iron. "Can I help?"
To my suggestion or rather my plea to help him Rufus snorts laughing gently before finally glancing up at me. "I do believe the last time you attempted to help you nearly burned the entire kitchen down."
"Oh no…that was not all my fault. If I remember correctly you were distracting me, and you were quite distracted yourself." I retort with a slight smirk, that day coming back to me as if it was just yesterday even though it was happened nearly twenty-five years ago.
"Still," he said giving me a look that makes me laugh.
"Fine." Folding my arms over my chest I lean back in my chair, a smile taking over my features. Surely this does not mean we are back to "us" but it sure felt good. Better than I had felt in months, I find myself willing to do everything in my power to salvage things with Rufus. He is the only man by far who knows all of me, even the darkest parts and still he loved me through and through. There is still so much that needs to be said, so much that we still have to make up for, but right now listening to him whisk the waffle batter is enough. I'm content to just sit here and watch him. God how could I have ever think Bart could make me happy?
A/N: Well there you have it...I don't know how I feel about it, but like I said previously this was something that I had been thinking about for a while now so I finally finished writing it out. I hope there are some of you out there that will enjoy this little piece. As always thank you for taking the time to read, reviews are greatly appreciated! Mauhh, much love(:
P.S. to those of you who are loyal readers of "Lucky" it will be updated later today, if not early tomorrow. I just have a few scenes to finish and tweak, scenes that I can only hope y'all will love so...stay tuned beauties(;
xoxo