Gilderoy Lockhart had had enough. This was the final straw. He rapped his perfectly manicured nails against the desk. He had just received 29 new emails, none of them containing what he wanted. He went to open his LJ. He entered his password ('magicalme'), and began to type an entry:
Magical Me!
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in GildyLuvsSev's LiveJournal:
An open letter to all writers out there
I have been extremely patient, dear friends, but there comes a time when one's patience runs out. I am sick and tired of my inbox being filled with – filth! I would therefore like to set a few things straight.
Sevvie loves me, not that stupid Harry boy. I mean, honestly! I can understand if you people were writing parodies or comedy and such like, but serious stories of this nature are just disconcerting, however far into the future they're set! There's no logic in their basic idea – as everyone is clearly not quite up to my mental capacity, I thought I'd do you all a favour and list the obvious reasons why Sevvie favours me over Harry Potter.
Firstly, I am by far the more handsome specimen. Not a single hair will ever be found out of place on my fair head, and we all know how much Sevvie appreciates tidiness. That Harry has an unsightly scar on his head – I could recommend many foundations to cover that up, but some of us are handsome enough thanks to a rigourous skin-care regime, and don't require make up! As for his clothes – well! Clearly that boy has a muggle's sense of style! Always those stupid knitted jumpers and corduroy jeans! He needs to learn how to chose only the best wizard's robes and pataloons in the most flattering colours (his being some horrible shade of taupe at the moment, I don't doubt!), before Snape would even consider him to take as a lover!
Secondly, I am by far the more talented man. My vast years as an adventurer give me far superior knowledge of the magical world than a student! My larger than average brain holds the knowledge of practically every spell there is – and not only that! Oh no, also the knowledge on how to use the spells safely and correctly. You need only refer back to my published works (I know many of you have multiple copies) to realise I have more than enough experience to prove this fact.
Thirdly, on the note of experience – I don't think there's much a mere boy can offer a fully-grown man such as Sevvie that I can't! I mean, I have hordes of women and men on my tail, and I tell you now, not only for autographs! I've had my share of lovers, many more, I don't doubt, than Harry – unless there's been something going on with him and his little friends that I don't know and don't wish to know about!
All in all, I am clearly far better than Harry and much more suited to dear Sevvie than he is. Therefore I would much appreciate it if you people stopped writing so much stuff about my Sevvie and that Harry boy, and paid some attention to the truth, please? I am sick and tired of seeing my inbox (not to mention my flist – you traitors, you!) full with stories about Sevvie and Harry's great love, when he is so clearly mine.
Erm…yes, well, I would stay to tell you all some more reasons, but I have been called away on a rather important matter! Therefore, 'til next time, fans!
x Gildy x 3
Current mood: Handsomely agitated
Gilderoy didn't bother switching off the machine. He sighed whilst slightly shaking his head, but a grin was twitching at the side of his mouth. He undid the clasp at his neck that held his cloak on, letting the rich, lilac cloth fall on the chair he sat on. "Gilderoy?" He heard his name being called again.
"Just coming now, Sevvie dear!"