Fandom: Carmilla (web series)
Pairing: Carmilla Karnstein/Laura Hollis [Hollstein]
Words: 3.795
Disclaimer: I own nothing but the mistakes.
A.N.: I am not a native english speaker, so I apologise por the mistakes you will find.
I still remember the first time I saw her, we were in one of the University's hallways, some students were outside class because the professor was late, and I saw her, well, I just noticed her because she was literally staring at me, looked away in a split second when I looked back at her. The first thing I thought was that she was really cute, and the second thing that came in my mind was that she was really tiny.
But being honest, probably I would have never ever noticed her, basically because you really cannot see her when there are a lot of people. But there was something in her gaze that made my not-so-beating-heart beat faster, and it was nearly impossible ignore her staring.
And then the professor came and everybody started to go into the class, I remember following her with my eyes until she sat in one of the chairs in the front row, in that moment she looked up and our eyes met, again, but she averted her eyes before I could do anything. I sat in the last row. Glancing at her every now and then. Who was she?
_
The girl's name was Laura Hollis, she shared room with a Betty girl, but I think that's irrelevant.
I was in the cafeteria reading Also sprach Zarathustra, well, I was pretending to read because Laura and one of her friends, a ginger one with short hair, came into the local. I caught myself staring at them until the waitress asked about what would I like.
''Black coffe, sweatheart.'' I said without looking at her.
The girl nodded and returned to the counter, when I glanced up from my forgotten book I saw Laura looking at me, she blushed before looking away. There was just that something, not just her similarities with Elle, that inevitably attracted me. Maybe it was her smile. Or the scrunched face she made when she was angry.
We have never really talked to each other, in fact, I have never seen her in campus, and we were like in the second semester now. But hey, I'm going to change that.
_
It was Friday night when I saw her again, she was heading to the library, seriously, who goes to the library a Friday night? I swear I can hear the Zetas' music from here. This girl is really weird, but nevertheless, I entered the library too, and it wasn't a surprise to see it empty. So I tracked her down easily, she was in one of the sci-fi sections, I arched an eyebrow but didn't walk towards her, instead, I started to look the shelf in front of me.
A few minutes after I heard books falling on the ground, when I looked to where the noise came from, I saw Laura on the ground, with like six books around her, this time, I walked towards her and helped her to stand up and pick up the books.
''Thanks.''
''You are welcome, creampuff.''
''Laura.''
''I'm pretty sure my name is Carmilla.'' I smirked.
''No, my name is Laura, not creampuff.''
I looked at her eyes and I swear I can hear her heart beat faster, and her blood… her blood was making me feel dizzy, I clenched my jaw and half smiled at her before handing her the books.
''Thanks, Carmilla.''
But when I opened my eyes (I wasn't aware I closed them) I saw her struggling with the six books in her hands and I sighed.
''You know what? Let me…'' I took four books from her hands and she sighed with relieve. ''How were you supposed to carry all of these books? What are you doing, a vampire research or what?'' I said looking at the books.
She blushed.
''Honey, do you know a vampire?'' I asked, arching an eyebrow.
She blushed even more.
''Okay, I'm not going to ask why do you need all of that information, but I'll tell you what, I'll help you to carry the books to your room. If you want to.''
''I… I'd love to.''
_
And that was the first time we talked, my vampire senses were ringing, but I didn't listen to them, because after that, Laura, in her very own way, asked me to a coffee date the next day, and I agreed.
And that date turned into another, and another, until I was at the point which I didn't know if we were something more, but I really didn't care, for the first time in decades, I was truly happy, even though I wasn't even asking for happiness.
I remember when Laura and I were on the grass because we had like 2 hours free and we wanted to chill for a while so we just grab a blanket and food and went to the grass, I was with my head on her yellow pillow while she was with her head in my stomach. It was so domestic I wanted to stay like that forever.
''Carm,'' I hummed ''um… well…'' Laura sat down beside me ''you know…''
''Cupcake, I don't know, you'll have to do better than that'' I said, smiling.
''It's just…''
''Just say it.'' I closed my book and put it on the blanket, then, I looked at Laura.
''What are we?''
And there it was, the label moment, I am not complaining with the way humans work, I mean, if they want to label things because it's easier to their brains, fine. Well, yes, I am complaining, I have never liked the label thing.
''Well…'' I sat up too and put my freezing hand above hers ''Creampuff, we will be whatever you want us to be.''
She just looked me into the eyes for a few seconds and then smiled.
_
We have been ''together'' I think, for about two months now, Laura doesn't know that I am a vampire, and I really should tell her, I know, but this bubble I have with her is the only thing in years that made me feel alive, even though I am, in fact, not alive. But who cares.
''Cupcake,'' I said, shaking her a few times, she fell asleep in her desk, I'm pretty sure because her lit exam that will be in a few days. ''wake up''
I put the TARDIS mug of cocoa beside her and kissed her forehead before leaving her room. I don't do this every day, okay? It's just her room is casually on my way to my classes, so sometimes I check out on her.
_
Laura still doesn't know I'm a vampire, I have been thinking of ways to tell her, but I just can't find the right timing. And the cherry on top is that Christmas is in a few days and Laura wants me to meet her father, her overprotective father, the father who gives her bear spray ''just in case'', the father who would probably kill me if he knew I am a vampire. I wouldn't be surprised if he has stakes in his house.
''Carmilla,'' I opened my eyes and saw Laura walking towards me, I was sitting on the ground, with my back on a tree, reading Die fröhliche Wissenschaft ''we need to talk''
I have never liked those words, adding a serious tone and that the one who said that is your, technically, girlfriend, sometimes makes it worse.
''Yeah?''
''It's about the dinner thing.'' Laura looked at me with her 'remember' face ''The one with my dad?''
''Oh.''
''Are you coming?''
Am I going to the place where probably with the minimum suspect that I am a supernatural thing his father will put a stake in my not-so-beating-heart because I am a monster that kills people and drinks their blood?
''Of course, love.''
It'd be a kick.
_
It wasn't a kick.
His father doesn't take his eyes from me, and I feel that if I breathe in the wrong way, he will grab the shotgun in his left and tell me to breathe more slowly. I'm a freaking 300 years old vampire. I have been in worse situations than this.
''Dinner is ready.'' said Laura, I half smiled and walked to the table, taking the sit next to Laura's.
At the end her father wasn't that bad, it seems that if you are not a bear or a creep, he will like you, you just have to work a little on that. But he's a good man. I'm glad Laura has a father like him. And her mother… well, I'm not going to talk about her.
_
It was kind of our anniversary; we were in one of the restaurants next to the campus, because we had to return later, but it was a really fancy restaurant, I invited Laura here because we really don't go out (besides the parties in the university), so I thought it would be perfect to stay away from the university for this occasion.
''Cupcake.'' I said when I saw her walking towards me, she kissed me and then sat in the chair in front of me.
''Fancy, aren't we?'' she said, giggling.
I smiled at her, I don't usually smile, but with her is different, she brings out things on me… she brings human parts on me that I thought I didn't have. I guess this is how true love feels like, because she makes me feel alive, even though I am not.
''Carmilla.''
I looked up from the menu and saw her with her arms crossed in her chest, staring at me.
''Yes?''
Laura uncrossed her arms and leaned on the table, so I put the menu aside, I frowned.
''You know…'' I laughed
''Sundance, you keep saying that, maybe if you are more specific…''
Maybe I knew what she wanted so bad to tell me, it started like 3 months ago, but I really love teasing her, her innocence, her obliviousness… her everything.
''So?'' I said, arching an eyebrow.
''Nothing.''
We continued our date without any more incidents, I paid, of course, this was on me. And I walked her to her room, because we're on the same hallway. I kissed her before saying goodbye and leaving, but then I stopped and turned around.
''Cupcake'' she turned her head to me, with one hand on the doorbell, ''I love you too.'' I said, smiling, it's still a mystery why is so hard for her to say those words.
_
We were on my dorm; I had no roommate, so it was bigger than hers. Laura was lying on my bed and I was sitting with my back on the headboard, we have been year and a half dating, and I think that if I don't tell her now, I won't tell her ever.
''Laura.''
It took her attention immediately; she sat up in front of me and looked at me with those questioning eyes.
''I have something to tell you and… it's not easy.''
''You are cheating on me?'' she said, voice broken.
''What? No! Why would I do that? You are everything I want.''
I sighed; she really has that thing to be insecure every now and then, even though she's pretty badass sometimes. But that was not I was talking about, she may be insecure, but I am too. I didn't spend 300 years alone to lose the only one (sorry Elle) I really loved and made me feel more alive than when I was actually alive. But is she cannot accept me… That would crush my not-so-beating-heart.
''It's something I should have told you since the beginning.''
Laura stared at me for a few seconds, I knew she was going to say something, so I waited.
''You are pale, you get weak in the light of sun, you don't like garlic. I know what you are.''
And when she couldn't get more cliché, she freaking semi quotes a sentence from that Twilight saga I really hate because we don't fucking sparkle in the sun, who the hell does that?
''I thought you didn't like that saga.''
''And I don't.''
We stay in silent for like hours, well, it's only a few minutes… I don't know what to say, can I just go and say: yeah, I'm a vampire? Okay.
''Yeah, I am a vampire.''
''I knew it! It was obvious.''
So, she was investigating me, that's why when I met her in the library she had those vampire books with her, I should have known… Whatever.
''Duh.''
_
It's our third anniversary, I should be happy, but for some reasons, I cannot be happy completely, maybe because, even though Laura still has her beauty and her aura, I can see her changing, not like everyone sees it, I am a vampire, I can see it better, and… I can see her aging. She's like 21 now and I'm still stuck at my 18ths…
We have talked about this many times, like many times, she wants to say with me forever, forever.
But how can I turn her? Of course I want to spend my eternity with her, but I don't know if she's truly aware that she won't age anymore, but everyone else will, her friends, family, her father. Her father is the person she loves the most, is she aware that she will have to watch him die, slowly while time won't touch her? That probably she will have to bury him while she had all her features as she was still 21?
But how can I not turn her? Just like her father, she will age, she will grow old. She will die. Because at the end, everyone dies, and as always, I will be alone, again. And I have to start over, hoping not to fall in love again. And I won't. I shall fall in love with no one unless it's with her.
I can't watch her die, I can't be beside her when she slowly forgets me, forgets us, forgets everything, I can't be around when she starts to ask who I am. When she forgets.
Or how am I supposed to look at her older self while I still had my teenager face? How cruel is destiny to make me fall in love with a human that I will be doomed to lose because I can't grow old?
I love her too much to let her go, but...
_
"I want to do it."
We were in our apartment, we just got out of work and were having a break, I really don't know why I work, for the people I have only 18 years old while my girlfriend here has 23.
"Cupcake..."
"No, Mircalla, I want to do it. I am sure. I am really sure. I want to be with you."
"What if you don't survive, Laura? What if I kill you and you never open your eyes again?"
She stays in silence and so do I, because we have talked about this a million times, and I am sure she is really and willing to sacrifice everything for our love, but what if she doesn't make it through? What if she dies in my arms? What if she doesn't wake up? What if after killing her I never see that sparkle in her eyes anymore?
When I was new with my vampire thing, a "friend" of mine, told me that maybe we were immortals, maybe we were powerful, maybe we were fast, but we were doomed, we were doomed to be stuck in time. And if Laura dies, I'll have to move on. I can't move on without her.
"I love you." She just said. And I knew that she did, but it was not that easy. I really wanted to turn her, to be with her forever.
"Okay, I will."
_
Her father died. It was unexpected. A car ran him over and he died. He just... died. When I thought about burring Laura's father, I was thinking that he would be like 80 or 90, not at this age. Not this soon.
Laura is wrecked. She won't talk to anyone, she just closed into herself and I don't know what to do. I know how she feels, now how am I supposed to turn her if she is going to be like that every time we burry one of her closest ones?
Maybe I shouldn't.
_
We were in the hospital, a bunch of guys attacked Laura in order to get her purse, I told her that if that happens, cooperate, but she is just too stubborn she had to fight back, and now she's laying on that bed with those bruises, scratches and fractures... And seeing her like that tears me apart. I should have been there with her.
She is not that innocent anymore, she is not that fragile anymore. She is 27 now, and I am still 18 and even though I am her emergency contact, I barely got to her room without the nurse giving me her disapproving look when I said I was her girlfriend.
"I want you to do it, Carm. Before it's too late..."
"I will, creampuff, I will..." my voice broke down in the middle of the sentence.
But I didn't.
_
Laura is 29, she's now in her job, and I probably should be on mine, but I wasn't feeling it, so I didn't go. Instead, I followed Laura. Just to be clear... I am not a total stalker, a little bit, yes, but that's part of my vampire superpowers...
However, I sometimes do this, watch her life, watch her circle of friends, she is still friends with Perry, LaFontaine, Xena and the puppy though, but this was her job circle. And it makes me wonder if she would be happy having a normal life, a normal girlfriend, a girlfriend who doesn't look always like a 18 years old girl.
She's still young, her features really didn't change, she could be easily mistaken by someone of 24, but still...
"Carm."
When I came back to reality, Laura was in front of me, with her arms crossed on her chest and looking at me arching an eyebrow, thing that I always do.
"What are you doing here?"
"I was just checking on you."
Laura sighed.
"You really don't have to... I am a grown woman."
"I know."
Grown woman.
_
LaFontaine is very sick, they worked on a lab and it seems that one of the experiments went wrong and it affected they, we're LaF and Perry's house, LaF in they bed, looking even paler than me. Laura is talking with Perry outside.
''Carmilla.''
I sat in the chair beside the bed, they all knew I was a vampire, they had always known, so it wasn't weird anymore to see me like when we met.
''It's about Laura.'' I just looked at them, not being able to say a thing. ''We all know that you are going to turn her sooner or later, she loves you and she is not going to leave you like everyone else in this world. I know that she asked you to turn her, ''they coughed and I gave them a glass of water ''do it, turn her. We all know that you are going to hate yourself if she grows old without you.'' I clenched my jaw. ''I think that she can lose everyone but you. She already lost her parents. And she will probably lose her friends if you turn her, but at least she will not lose you.''
I promised LaFontaine that I would turn Laura for our sakes, but they had to promise me that they would get better.
And so did they.
It was in her 30th birthday when she asked me to.
"Please, Carm. We can't be like this much longer... I know the risks and I am willing to take them."
I am slowly watching her growing old, growing old without me, and it hurts like hell, but some part of me cannot turn her, cannot curse her. But what am I supposed to do? I don't want to lose her.
I ran my fingertips over her cheeks, and moments like this make me feel like when we were still teenagers, like nothing has changed. But I was the one who didn't change. Because like everything in this world, everything changes, but me.
''Cupcake, you know that I love you, right?''
''I love you too.''
Then, I killed her before giving her my blood.
And I waited.
_
I waited.
I waited a few seconds before running behind her, but I caught her almost immediately, she laughed before turning to the left, I followed her, we were running in one of Styria's mountains, she loves to run here, we always come once a year to visit the town. She didn't forget. But she has lost a lot of people, I still remember when she lost her SilasU friends, they were still pretty close, Laura cried for months.
''I'm older than you, love.'' I smirked.
And when she smiled, I realised that even it has been a few decades being with her she was still the same Laura Hollis, vampire o no, she was still that girl I fell for, and I don't regret my choices.
I remember those times in SilasU when we ran out of blood and she let me fed from her, or those times I would get into fights and she nursed my wounds even thought I would heal the very next day, or when we first moved together outside the campus, or when we graduated.
Sometimes I think I should have turned her sooner instead of watching her grow old without me, but now I don't regret it. She's still beautiful.
Laura approached me and put her arms around me, I put my hand on her hips and stared back at her.
''We should get married.''
''Are you proposing?'' I asked, arching an eyebrow.
''Well, it seemed to me you were not going to anytime soon.'' Laura smiled. ''Marry me.''
''Are you aware I am long dead and you look way too young for someone who has almost one hundred years old?''
She closed her eyes before leaning on me, putting her head on my shoulder, I kissed her head and rubbed her back with one of my hands.
''There must be something we could do…''
We bought rings, and made bows, but without a ceremony. And we travelled around the world, again. I wouldn't mind doing this over and over again. While
everything around us was changing, we didn't. We are still the same teenagers that fell in love in the university, that's something that won't change either. Ever.
You are mine and you shall be mine. You and I are one forever.
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