Never Be Lonely

Author: StarryEyedJones on here - StarlightMoony on the official McFly website
Rating: 13
Pairing: Fletcher-Jones
Prompt: 051. Broken
Summary: What happens when you're broken?
Disclaimer: What happens in the fic isn't real - the story is mine.
A/N: I wrote this for a challenge on a message board. I hope you'll like it.

Never be lonely

How could I've been so stupid?
How could I've not noticed the change that was so clear and evident?
I guess those are questions I can never reply on, how much I try and want it.
I'm the one to blame though, the reason why this has happened. I should have noticed that he had become so silent and less bright, but I was just too blind and too focused on one thing.
If I'd seen it, if I'd just opened up my eyes and listened at his silent cries, I could have prevented it. I could have prevented his downfall.
But no matter how hard I keep saying if – there always will be a too late.
I looked upwards, ignoring the tears that constantly dropped down my cheeks, praying that it was all a dream, but the guilt burned small, little holes into the deepest of my soul. The pain killing me inside, knowing very well it will never ease down, not even a bit, no matter what, how and when.

It's been more than a year when it started, and I just didn't see it.
His smile fading with every passing day, his jokes disappearing in a matter of a few days and although, this had been his personality, it had never occurred to me, that something had changed, something had been changing, something had been bothering him and it was all because of me. How could I've been so bloody stupid? Thinking I could make him more mature, but in the end, it led him to there and I'll never forgive myself. Funny, I always wanted him to change and now, today, I'll never be the same again.

I plucked at my strings, making sure everything sounded just fine for the tonight's gig, one of our biggest of the year. Being the oldest meant a lot of responsibility and I had to make sure nothing would go wrong. I concentrated on my guitar, listening as the sound echoed in the empty arena, bouncing back at me, making me smile when the faint echo reached my ears with a soft melody hidden in it.

I looked up as the thud of footsteps disturbed my concentration. I smiled brightly when I noticed it was Danny and nodded his way, acknowledging him. He didn't return it, he even seemed as if he hadn't seen it and just walked to his spot in the middle and stopped there, staring into the space of the building.

"Danny?" I asked, wondering why he was acting weird, but I shrugged my shoulders, thinking it must be the nerves for tonight. I felt some butterflies myself, so I couldn't blame him. A lot depended on tonight and it was only normal.

"Tom?" he asked dull and slowly, he lowered his head so he could see me connecting the electricity with the loudspeakers. I made some noise, telling him I was listening but he didn't say anything else. He just looked at me, sadness fulfilling his eyes.

"What, Danny?" I asked after five minutes of silence and I almost freaked as he just stood there in the same position, blinking into the distance. He seemed to be in a world of his own and I just shrugged my shoulders again, finishing my work. When I looked back up, he was gone.

That should have been a sign, but like I've told you before, I was too blind.

Maybe I should have worried more when he just sat there on the sofa like a plant. The covers of his bed wrapped around his fragile body, silent tears streaming down his with freckles spotted cheeks, his nose red and his eyes all swollen up. He hadn't noticed me watching, but I certainly can remember the pain I felt within my heart for each silent tear that was shred and still I did not move to help him, I didn't react nor asked questions.

Maybe I was just afraid for the cold and harsh truth. I wasn't ready to cope with problems when I was living in a dream, a dream that was smashed into many little pieces and no matter what the others said: the fragments were made and they will never be the same.

You probably wonder in what kind of dream I lived and I know for sure that if I told you, you would recognise it, don't we all dream about luck and happiness?

I guess my dream came true, but the price I had to pay makes my mind wander.

Did I have to be famous, for the sake of Danny?

If not, I wouldn't have met him and things like this never wouldn't have happened.

And yet, we had our good moments, moments I cherish and will embrace with both of my hands.

"I love you," his shaky voice said, when I coped his head between my hands. His eyes sparkling more than ever, only shining for me. His hands rubbed my back and he pulled me into a gentle kiss.

"Promise me to stay with me forever,"

I chuckled at his choice of words and shoved him playfully away.

"Of course Danny," I said and placed a small kiss on his nose before lying my head on his bare milk shoulder. "I promise."

x

How ironic. I promised him such a silly thing at that moment, never realising how serious he had been. What seemed so unimportant back then, meant the difference between life and death today. If I had only kept my promise when he had become silent, his always searching eyes, pleading with mine to come and rescue him from his downfall, but I just didn't see and now I did, when it was all too late. I just wonder what went through him. Was it really all my fault, did I make a mistake by pushing him into someone he didn't want to be? I guess I did, but couldn't he see it was time to grow up? If I could only get rid of the guilt that was slowly building up inside me, destroying me with every breath I took and he didn't.

x

It was the night before his twentieth birthday. He had been quiet all day, but had been so for months now, so it didn't worry me so much, even if he was more quiet than usual.

He sat there onto the sofa again, staring with an emotionless expression at the bricks of our dark blue wall, something he did more often with every passing day.

He didn't smile, looked up or even acknowledged my appearance, he just stared.

The moment I returned, he was vanished and the sound of a closing door told me he had gone to his room.

I asked Dougie and Harry about it, but they just said that he probably needed some space and I'd given him all the space he needed. There's only one problem – I made the wrong decision.

To my dearest friend and lover,

Are you happy now?

Because reading this means that you were looking for an explanation for my behaviour.

But seriously are you happy? Are you content? Do you feel relieved, knowing I can't be an arse to you anymore?

I know I feel relieved, and I've been craving for this for a long time.

I showed you there was something wrong, I told you I needed help, but you've chosen to ignore it and I've chosen this.

And if you want an explanation why I've done what I did, there's only one reason, and that reason is you.

You knew I was going to a rough period of my life. I needed someone to talk to, but you weren't there at nights when I needed someone to hold onto, someone to cuddle. I might seem unlike this, but it's true, I'm soft and you ignoring me, hurts.

You never realised I was in love with you, did you?

You never acknowledged me, even when we were together. I always had the feeling you thought of me as a joke. Because that was who I was to you, wasn't it? A sick joke.

You couldn't laugh at my mistakes, like the rest. You didn't see the funny side, only and always be serious, and yet, you choose me to be your boyfriend. Why?

So you could play with me?

So you could mock with me?

Why, Tom? Why?

You didn't see my attempt to conquer your heart. I did everything for you. I tried to be serious, I tried to change, only for you – but you never said: "well done, Danny."

You can't imagine how strong my feelings towards you are. I woke up every day, hoping you would notice, you would see, but you never did. We were lovers, but to you it was nothing more than a sick game.

Yes, it made me sick. It made me depressed.

You never noticed all the things I did for you. I made your breakfast, I washed your clothes, cleaned your room and you've never thanked me for that.

You never said something when I needed you the most, you never said anything, not even when I knew you were watching me sobbing, crying, hurting, you never have comforted me and you'll never will, unless you wanted something. I'm not a toy, Tom.

I give up.

It's too late now.

Perhaps I never expressed myself enough or maybe I didn't use the right words how strong my love for you was, but you can compare it to a never ending dream, even if that dream turned out to be a nightmare now.

You were like a God to me, Tom.

Your perfect blond hair, long enough to tangle my fingers with, the cutest dimple I always wanted to touch, but there was nothing better than your personality. The way you sometimes looked at me, made me actually think there was chemistry between us, there was something more. You always found a way to melt my heart over and over again. And yet, when we were alone, I was welcomed with nothing more than your back. Am I filth to you?

But I realised it meant nothing to you the day I saw you kissing someone that wasn't me. You broke my heart that day, my heart I'd given to you, along with my spirit, my soul, my trust and my friendship. How could you do something like that? Wasn't I enough? Didn't I prove myself? But why should I prove my love?

I was never like before anymore and I know very well, you've noticed the change in me. I changed and never have you said a word. You just preferred to act as if nothing had happened, so you could pretend we were the perfect couple to all our fans, because that was the most important thing to you: pleasing the fans.

Remember all the pinching you did, just so I'd smile?

You can have my smiles, remember them Tom, when you read this, remember them before you destroyed them

You ignored my crying.

You ignored my lack of sleep.

You ignored my cries of pain, every time I did it again, and I know you were listening and watching me.

And that's what hurt the most.

I felt so lonely at that point that I needed a resort, something I could rely on.

I guess I've found it.

Yours forever,

Danny

You were wrong Danny.

When I opened your door and I saw you lying in bed, looking peacefully, I fell in love with you again. I've never said those words, but I've always felt them every time you smiled at me or just when we spend some time with each other. I do realise now, that it has been months that you've smiled, but really smile, and I miss it so much, but not as much as I miss the person as you were before.

When I noticed you weren't breathing anymore, my world fell apart and now you're gone, I can only feel the empty space that you've left behind and the guilt that's been here in my heart for the last couple of weeks. I realise now, you must have been broken, because that's all I can feel beside the guilt.

But when you said you felt lonely, you've made the most crucial mistake ever.

You'll never be lonely, I was just scared.

The End