BHF5: Episode VIIXIVVIXX: Nuclear Hallo-weenter
or, 7 Habits of Highly Effective Trick-or-Treaters
[The BHF5 are getting ready for the Springfield Trick or Treat-fest at the base.]
Jango Fett: TR, what the bloody hell is that supposed to be?
TR: I'm dressed as a mummy!
Jango Fett: That has got to be the laziest costume ever, and I'm going as myself.
TR: But I had to unwrap and have carefully re-wrap myself in toilet paper!
Jango Fett: But you look exactly the same.
TR: [Looks down, then thinks.] Awwww, shoot...
Bart: [Comes out dressed as a punk.] What do you guys think of my costume?
Z-Man: [Comes in all red.] Not bad, but nothing can top mine!
Bart: Wow, you actually went through all the trouble of dyeing your... spikes? Your body? OK, look, why are you red?
Z-Man: I'm going as a communist. Dengar, why are you dressed like a businessman?
Dengar: Look closer.
[Z-Man squints and sees a tiny name tag that reads "IRS Audit Team".]
Z-Man: AAAGGHHH!
[Runs around the room screaming.]
Jango Fett: Okay, he wins for scariest costume. That sniper rifle really fits it. Now let's go blast some deadbeats!
Z-Man: Jango, it's Halloween, remember? Not a mission.
Jango Fett: I'm talking about deadbeats who give us a roll of Smarties or a bite size chocolate bar. MY RESEE'S PIECES ADDICTION MUST BE FED!
[They leave with candy pails, except for TR who somehow taped his arms to himself.]
Bart: OK, what street should we hit up first?
Dengar: Whichever one has the most decorations. The amount and quality of exterior decorations on Halloween directly corresponds to the amount spent on candy. If they have fake zombies covered in cow blood popping up and fog machines that play Marlyn Manson, you're getting the good stuff. If they don't even have a lousy paper bat or two taped up, hope you like raisins and fun-size boxes of pennies!
Z-Man: I'm not in this for the candy. All I need is a cost-club box of eggs.
Jango Fett: Sorry, TR was supposed to bring those, but he taped his arms to himself in his sad, sad attempt to make a costume.
TR: (Sniff) Let's just go over to that (sob) house over there..
[They go over and ring the bell. The little peephole thing opens.]
Guy: H-hello? Wh-who are you?
BHF5: Trick or treat!
Guy: Trick or Treat? B-b-but that's what they said when Hugo and the boys cornered me in the alley and- S-sorry, I don't know what you're talking about! But you can go tell Fat Vinnie that I am now in witness protection and- uh- you never saw me!
[Slams peephole. Crying is heard.]
Dengar: What's that guy's problem?
[They go to the next house and knock. An old lady comes out.]
Old Lady: Who's there?
BHF5: Trick or Treat!
Old Lady: Oh, I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I- [Sees Z-Man.] AAGGHH! A COMMIE-NIST! [Grabs a shotgun from a rack by the door.] GO! GET OUT! TAKE MY EGGS AND LEAVE, YOU DAMN BOLSHEVIK!
[Kicks a carton of eggs at them and slams the door shut. The sound of fifty different locks clicking sounds.]
Z-Man: How convenient. Let's go egg some foos!
[They run around ringing doorbells and throwing eggs into people's faces.]
Dengar: [Running.] Z! HOW MANY EGGS ARE THERE LEFT?
Z-Man: WE'RE DOWN TO THE LAST ONE! MAKE IT COUNT!
[Throws it to Dengar.]
Dengar: I GOT THIS!
[Catches and loads it into his sniper rifle, then shoots it at a car. It splatters on the windshield.]
Driver: AAGGHHH! My windshield is-a-covered in white goop!
Passenger: [Insert that's-what-she-said style punchline here.]
[Car veers into a house and explodes.]
TR: High score!
Jango Fett: It's getting late. All the houses are probably cleaned out by now.
Bart: No worries, I just downloaded a trick-or-treat app. Hey, there's still a ton of candy on Shiverton Street! Hold on, what is that- Uh-oh, we've got a swarm of Kindergarteners moving in rapidly.
Jango Fett: There's no way we'll get there on time!
Z-Man: Wait! We can take a shortcut through that cemetery!
Dengar: Z, if there's one thing I learned from watching a horror movie every day in college instead of going to the classes I paid for, it's that a shortcut will get you wherever you're going much later than normal, and most likely dismembered.
TR: Yes, but CANDY!
Bart: His logic is infallible. Let's go.
[They get to the gate of the cemetery.]
TR: Wait! I have an idea to test if this is a haunted evil graveyard or just a regular ol' evil graveyard!
Jango Fett: I don't think graveyards are evil by default, TR.
TR: Oh no! They're really really real! Like one time, I left some daisies for my dead aunt, and her hand shot out of the ground and grabbed me! Then she groaned "Yooouuu fooooooll... I was juuust naaaaapiiiing!"! I had to grab a shovel and beat her arm off! And then I got in a monster truck, and did a triple backflip, and-
Z-Man: Alright, that's enough of your stupid story! What's your idea?
TR: Okay, we have to kill someone, then bury them, then wait a hundred years, then see if they're a skeleton or a zombie!
Z-Man: We don't have that kind of time, TR! There are probably whole fields of Almond Joys out there! We don't have time debating whether or not we should risk our lives for them, because we totally shoooouuuullllddd!
[Runs into the graveyard with the rest in pursuit.]
Bart: Wait up, you guys! [Trips over a gravestone and lands in an open grave.] Oof! [Tries to climb out, but it's too deep THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID.] Hey, help me out!
TR: Huh? What happened? Bart? [Looks around and sees he's also lost.] Oh, crap! BHF5! Come in, rest of the BHF5!
Dengar: [Distantly.] TR? Where are you, man?
TR: I'M BY THE MAUSOLEUM!
Jango Fett: WHICH ONE?
TR: THE ONE WITH THE STATUE OF A GARGOYLE PEEING ON A SPORTS LOGO!
Z-Man: YOU MEAN THE TOMB OF CALVIN?
TR: YEAH, THAT ONE! [Gets tapped on the shoulder.] AGGHH!
[Spins around and hits the thing with his Gavini stick (without using his arms).]
Dengar: OW! Dude, that was just me! What were you screaming about?
TR: Oh. [Pause.] Hi, Dengar!
Jango Fett: Hey, where'd Bart go?
TR: That's what I was asking!
Bart: I'm in here, dummies!
Z-Man: Where? [Walks around and almost falls into the open grave.] Oop! Oh, hey, there he i- OH MY GOD! ZOMBIE!
Bart: What? No! I just tripped and fell in here!
Jango Fett: Sorry, zombuddy, but we gotta make sure you don't infect anyone else.
Bart: AAGGHH! Don't shoot! I'm not a zombie!
Jango Fett: No, [Shoots a now-headless zombie behind Bart.] but that thing behind you was.
Bart: Oh, very funny. Now get me out of here so I can change my pants.
Z-Man: [Leans into the grave.] Sure, just grab my arm and- Hey!
[Flies into the grave headfirst.]
Bart: Are you okay?
Z-Man: [Rolls over.] Alright, which one of you wise guys pushed me?
TR: Pushed? Dude, you just fell. [Starts levitating.] Hey, I'm flying! [Floats over the pit and falls.] Wheeee! [Bam!] OW!
Jango Fett: What the-?
[He and Dengar are dragged to the pit. Jango grabs onto a grave, but it just rips out of the ground and falls with him into the grave.]
Bart: What the hell is going on? Why did you all jump in here?
Dengar: Jump, nothing! Did you see how TR floated? He hasn't had beans today! The only answer could be... [Everything gets all dark and scary.] ...GHOSTS.
Jango Fett: Ah, you're full of it. Ghosts are as real as creationism is logical!
Dengar: Whatever you say man, but I'll tell you one thing: The last time I encountered... [Everything gets even darker and scarier.] ...GHOSTS... well... I didn't have to have my bandages yet.
Z-Man: Liar, you said so yourself you just have those to protect from sandstorms.
[A weird green glow appears.]
TR: Hey, what's that?
?: ...you...
Jango Fett: What's that voice?
?: grrrraaaAAAWWWRRR!
[A bed-sheet ghost hops in. Pause. The BHF5 crack up.]
Z-Man: Are you kidding me? That the best funny thing you got? Very funny. Now take off that costume.
?: If you insist...
[Takes off the ghost costume to reveal... she's a ghost. A little girl in Victorian clothes. YUP.]
Bart: Wait... you're actually a ghost?
Elizabeth: I'm not A ghost, I'm E Ghost. Elizabeth, to be exact.
Dengar: Get us out of here! What do you want?
Elizabeth: Patience, I have brought you here for a reason.
Bart: A reason? We just got here!
Elizabeth: I have led you here. Check that app of yours.
[Bart checks his phone. The app is by "A Ghost That's Trying To Lure You Into Her Graveyard So She Can Posses Your Souls Inc."]
Bart: Dang it, I knew I should be wary of free apps. I guess I- QUICK, JANGO, SHOOT HER!
[Jango shoots at her. She deflects it.]
Elizabeth: Don't try anything stupid. Anyway, I hope you weren't planning on going anywhere soon, because I-
Jango Fett: As a matter of fact, we WERE. We need to get to the other side of the graveyard to trick or treat before those stupid little kids stuff their faces with our candy!
Elizabeth: Too bad, so sad. Thing is, I can only collect enough aural energy to manifest into ghost form once every 20 years, so if I don't find a host body before midnight tonight, the next time I'll be able to will be when Justin Bieber is a politician elected entirely by tween girls!
Dengar: For a ghost, you sure have a good grasp of pop culture.
Elizabeth: Eh, things happen.
Z-Man: What kind of "things" happened to make you a ghost?
Elizabeth: Some voodoo priest that washed up under the London Bridge said becoming a ghost would make my complexion better. HE LIED! I'm so doughy and pale and- Hey, what's that shrill sound I hear?
Sound: ...eeeeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!
Bart: Another ghost?
Jango Fett: A banshee?
[Gena runs in.]
Gena: Baaaaaaaaarrrrtttiiiieeeee!
Bart: Oh, God, why couldn't it have been a banshee?
Elizabeth: Perfect...
Gena: BAAAAARRRRRTIIIIIEEEEEEEE! I can't believe you didn't invite me to come with you! I almost gnawed through my own leg and- Wait, who are you?
TR: Don't worry, Gena! She's just some nice ghost lady who wants to posses someone to be able to carry out crazy vengeance on the world!
Elizabeth: How did you know I wanted to do that?
TR: I just got this thingie installed!
[Turns around and they see a chip on his head that says "Plot Sensor-Matic".]
Elizabeth: Oh. Well, I hope you won't sense this!
[Ties them up with... ghost-rope... or something. I dunno.]
Elizabeth: Now, watch in terror as I posses your precious girlfriend!
Bart: She ain't that precious to me.
Elizabeth: What th-? AGGHH!
[Zaps into Gena, who for some reason is just standing there waving.]
Gena: What? What... is... going... on?
[Starts glowing green and floats into the air.]
Jango Fett: Oh, what is it now?
[She floats further and... starts breakdancing.]
Z-Man: Uh, TR? You didn't accidentally order the wrong kind of mushrooms on our pizza this morning, did you?
[Flashback.]
Jango Fett: Let's have pizza for breakfast!
TR: Okay! [Smashes head into phone. It dials the pizza place.] Hello, Pizza Planet? Can we place a delivery order for pizza to the BHF5 base?
Pizza Dude: Who? Where?
TR: The BHF5! The world-famous bounty huntin' crew!
Pizza Dude: Sorry, never heard of 'em.
TR: You know! The ones who capture dangerous criminals for profit!
Pizza Dude: Sorry, not ringin' any bells.
TR: [Sigh.] The ones who hunted down those jaywalkers last month?
Pizza Dude: Oh, you guys! Yeah, what's up?
TR: Can we get an extra-extra-extra-extra-extra-to-the-fourth-power-large pizza?
Pizza Dude: You mean the one we have to rent a cargo plane to deliver?
TR: Yes! And we want it with mushrooms, bacon, pepperoni, sausage, more bacon, ground beef, lard, extra cheese, extra extra bacon grease. And some Diet Coke.
Pizza Dude: Okay, it'll- wait. Uh, we're out of mushrooms, sorry.
TR: Whaaaaat? Are you sure?
Pizza Dude: Nope, unless... hold on, let me check. [Checks.] Okay, some guy in a fur coat out back sold me some, it'll be there in 30 minutes. That'll be $113,921.45
TR: No way! I don't want to pay that! How about you can call in a favor later?
Pizza Dude: Deal!
[Hang up. The pizza gets there and they eat it. It turns out the guy out back was just a street vendor selling mushrooms. However, the Diet Coke was accidentally low-calorie cocaine.]
Jango Fett: That flashback was too long! I forgot what's going on!
Dengar: That.
[Points at Gena, who is now floating and doing a disco dance.]
Bart: Man, this possession is taking a while. Might as well get acquainted with the new Angry Bird: "Penguino Bambino". [Pulls out phone. Realizes.] Hey, we're untied!
Dengar: Me pointing must have sliced through the ropes! Let's go capture her!
[They wrestle her to the ground and pin her down.]
Gelizabeth: GREAOWR! GRAAAR!
Jango Fett: You're not going anywhere, lady. [Shoots some net that pins her to the ground.] TR, stay here and make sure she doesn't try to spin her head around and start throwing up blood or something.
TR: You got it, chief! Where are you off to?
Jango Fett: What do you think, genius? Trick-or-treating is almost over!
TR: But what about meeeee?
Dengar: Your arms are taped to yourself anyway.
TR: But then how am I supposed to guard the-?
Z-Man: JUST SHUT UP AND GO ALONG WITH THE PLOT!
[They leave for the gate.]
TR: So, just me and you now, huh?
Gelizabeth: GROOAAAWWWRRR!
[They get to Shiverton St. and look around.]
Bart: Deserted. Either the Kindergarteners haven't arrived yet, or-
[Z-Man crouches down and picks up a broken candy pail filled with Reese's Pieces wrappers from the dust and litter. Everything is silent except the howling wind.]
Z-Man: [Low voice.] We're too late. They've already cleaned this place out.
Jango Fett: But... that can't be... [Sinks to his knees, then jumps up and runs at the candy pail, kicking it into a car and blowing it up.] NOOOOOOO! IT'S NOT FAIR! WE'RE TOO LATE! AAGGGHHHH!
[Starts tantruming like a little kid. Everyone backs off.]
Dengar: ...might as well try out my new scope while we're waiting... [Looks down the street and sees something moving.] Hey, we've got movement!
Jango Fett: [Freezes.] WHAT- did you say?
Dengar: Yeah, it's some kid! They're just leaving!
[Jango jet-packs over to the kid.]
Kindergartener: Hey, nice costume, Mistew!
Jango Fett: Hand the candy pail over.
Kindergarten: But I have my favowite-!
Jango Fett: [Points rocket launcher at kid.] NOW!
[Starts crying and runs off, leaving his candy scattered all over the floor.]
Z-Man: Boy, never thought he'd sink so low as to steal candy from a baby.
Kindergartener: [Running, stops and turns at them. Angrily.] Baby? WHO AWE YOU CAWWING BABY?
[Turns red and bursts into flames.]
Bart: Uhhh... I don't think any parenting books cover this.
Dengar: Let's get back to the base!
[They get to the graveyard, closing the gate right as the Satan-gartener runs up to it.]
Satan-gartener: YOU GET BACK HEWE SO I CAN WEAP YOUR SOULS!
Dengar: Nah, we're good!
Z-Man: Wait, where's Jango?
Bart: He's probably still back there freaking out over the candy. No time for him.
[They go back to find TR knocked out and the net ripped.]
Z-Man: TR! What happened?
TR: Uggghh... she went totally berserk...
[Flashback.]
Gelizabeth: GROAWRRRRRR!
TR: Nope.
Gelizabeth: RAAAGHHHGRRRR!
TR: Nuh-uh.
Gelizabeth: GROOAWWRRRGIE PROAAAWRRGIIIEEE!
TR: Young lady, I am NOT talking to you until you choose to use your words!
Gelizabeth: [Now talking in both a valley-girl and British accent.] Wow, you're so condescending, it's even scarier than me.
TR: Mmm hmm, and you should be- wait, you actually CAN talk?
Gelizabeth: Uh, yeah! Hell-o? Earth to moron!
TR: OK, should I go back to condescension?
Gelizabeth: OH NO YOU DI-IN'T!
[Snaps fingers (and the ropes) in a Z shape.]
TR: Crap!
[Gives him a ghost-beat-down and floats off. Present times.]
Bart: Where'd she head off to?
TR: She went... urrr... thataway.
[Points towards a faint green thing moon-walking for the exit.]
Dengar: After her!
[They catch up to her right as she gets to the other gate.]
Bart: Stop! Where do you think you're going?
Gelizabeth: [Now in a Southern accent for no reason.] Darlin', it's almost midnaght, and if ah don't get me some cursin' in, I ain't gonna-!
Voice: For (bleep) sakes, STOP TALKING LIKE THAT! My (bleep)ing ears are bleeding!
[Jango Fett flies in and wrestles her to the ground.]
Dengar: THERE'S some cursing for ya!
Bart: Jango! You came back!
Jango Fett: Yes, I realized that abandoning my teammates for some candy was foolish, and that I-.
TR: The kid didn't have any Reeses Pieces, didn't he?
Jango Fett: [Slumps.] No. And thanks for crapping all over me and my drama.
Gelizabeth: [Snaps fingers in his face. Regular voice.] Hey! HEY! Bounty hunter!
Jango Fett: Right, sorry. Freeze! I'm not even going to bother tying you up. You're going straight to base!
Gelizabeth: NOOOOO! I'm not going ANYWHERE! I must bend my ghost physics to extend this story for another 2 pages!
[Warps through his arms and makes a ghost-sports car and drives off.]
Jango Fett: Quick! After her!
Z-Man: Hey, you're the one with a jet pack, buddy.
Jango Fett: Just go carjack someone or something!
[TR kicks some kid off a tricycle and they all get one. They sloooowly give chase.]
Z-Man: That's some serious pedaling you're doing there, TR.
TR: [Pedaling at 6,000 RPM.] Thanks!
[They chase her through Springfield. She drives up the side of a building.]
Bart: Oh no! She's going to the top of the RBB!
Jango Fett: What's an RBB?
Bart: Really big building.
TR: OMFG! IM CHSN GRRL IN2 A RBB! OMG L0LZ! ;))
[Drives through the lobby and into the elevator. They go up slowly. Megadeth on piano is quietly playing.]
Z-Man: Sooo... anyone see the game last night?
[More silence. Live for Everything, Die for Nothing plays. They finally get to the 83rd floor. Gelizabeth is standing on an antenna throwing plasma bolts at the people on the ground below.]
Bart: Oh no! It's her! [Yells.] Gelizabeth! Stop! Why are you doing this?
Gelizabeth: It's like 11:59! If I can't become a worthwhile human, I'm taking as many as I can with me! It's lonely in the afterlife!
Jango Fett: And it's about to get a whole lot lonelier!
[Tackles her. She falls towards the ground. Clock strikes and she turns into Gena.]
Gena: AAAAAIIIIIEEEEE!
Bart: JANGO! Elizabeth is gone! That's Gena falling!
Jango Fett: I though you hated her.
Bart: Yeah, but I... well, she... uh... ah, let her die.
[Screaming stops, and there is a thud. Suddenly, the screaming gets louder again and she lands on Bart.]
TR: [Doing burnouts on his trike.] What was that?
Gena: Oh, huh? Where am I? I'm alive!
Z-Man: Somehow...
Gena: Oh, I landed on a trampoline truck.
Bart: Mmm shmm lmmkd mmt!
Gena: Huh? Bartie? Where's BAAAAAARRRTTTIII-?
Jango Fett: Don't even start. You're sitting on him.
Gena: Oh. [Gets up.] Sorry about that!
Bart: Oh, you will be, as soon as they relocate my arm.
[They leave Gena in downtown and go back to the base.]
Jango Fett: [Flicks on lights.] Hey, what's that?
[There's a big bag sitting on the table.]
Z-Man: Is that... it is! CANDY!
[They run over and open it and it's full of candy. They rip the bag to shreds and grab handfuls of corn syrup and coloring.]
Jango Fett: Reese's Pieces!
Dengar: Almond Joys!
TR: BART! I got 3 Nerds lines, cut and dried!
Bart: About flargin' time!
[Snorts them through a Pixy Stix.]
[Later, they're lounging on the wrapper-covered floor.]
Dengar: That was delicious...
Bart: How did all that candy get here?
TR: Beats me, I'm a teakettle.
[They pass out from sugar. Out the window, a silhouette of Santa with a Jack-0-Lantern head flies by in a hot rod.]
Satan-Claus: We did well this year, my boy!
Satan-gartener: YES, MASTER!
[They fly cackling into the night. The End!]
[...NAAAAH!]
Epilogue:
Bart: You know, I think I learned something this Halloween.
Jango Fett: No we didn't.
Bart: Yeah, I guess you're right.