If Only I Could Tell You
Knocking on the door. Knock knock. Knock. Knock. Knock knock.
Mrs. Kodans opens the door, and Aria sees her. Small, hunched over body, gray hair pulled into a neat knot at the nape of her neck, skin wrinkled. Mrs. Kodans looks up at Aria, eyes grave.
"Who are you?" Mrs. Kodans grunts. Aria wrinkles her nose and ducks her head as she tries to smooth out her skirt.
"My name's Aria," she says quietly, hesitantly. "I'm a friend of Thresh's. . ." Aria looks up to find the old woman holding the door open for her.
"Come in, child," she says kindly.
Aria follows Mrs. Kodans into the small house, trying to imagine massive Thresh in here. Aria imagines how he'd have to stoop over to avoid hitting his head on the door frame, how he'd have to turn sideways to walk down the narrow hall.
The TV is on the living room, of course. Right now, the camera is on the lovers from 12 as they huddle in their cave, confessing their love for each other and tell romantic stories. The whole thing makes Aria's heart ache for Thresh.
Aria looks around the rest of the room, and finds a girl kneeling on the floor, a book open in her lap, completely ignored as she stares intently at the screen.
The girl has deep caramel skin, like Thresh, and straight black hair. She has wide-set, dark brown eyes and is, Aria could swear, almost as tall as Thresh, though the fact that she is kneeling makes it hard to tell. She has hard, defined muscles, not as big as his, but just as strong, Aria is sure. This girl is clearly Thresh's sister.
The girl looks up at Aria.
"Who're you?" she asks. Not unkindly, just bluntly. Besides, Aria thinks, if she is unkind, she certainly has a right to it.
"Aria," Aria says, looking down at the girl awkwardly. "I'm a friend of Thresh's."
The girl stares up at Aria, considering her. Then she climbs to her feet. Aria was right; the girl towers over her, at least six feet tall.
"He's coming home, you know," the girl says. Aria grins.
"I know." Satisfied, the girl holds out her hand to Aria.
"I'm Sen," she says. "Thresh is my baby brother." Aria is startled by this. Baby brother. Thresh is a baby brother?
Aria looks over to the TV screen – the camera is still on the twelve pair – and then back up to Sen's face.
"Is he . . . ?" Aria trails off. Sen crinkles her eyebrows in confusion, then her eyes light up in realization.
"Oh, you've been at school all day, haven't you? No, he's fine. Apparently not doing anything interesting as all they've been showing are the 'star-crossed lovers.'" Sen rolls her eyes and makes a huff sound when she mentions the pair from twelve. She looks back down at Aria.
"So," she says, "you say you're a friend of his?" Aria nods. "And do you mean a 'he could be my brother' friend, or do you mean a romantic-type friend?" Aria feels color creeping into her cheeks, and wishes that Thresh had mentioned her to his sister so that she could avoid this awkward conversation. Sen grins. "I thought so," she says. "You know, I always wondered why he didn't have a girlfriend. I mean, he's certainly handsome," Aria nods involuntarily and Sen laughs. "And he's just about the sweetest thing. What girl wouldn't want him?"
Aria sighs. "Oh, they all want him." She's about to say more when the screen changes. It's not showing Thresh, but it is no longer showing the twelve pair, either. Aria sees Lorna, the District 5 girl, in her makeshift shelter, eating some kind of meat. She's not doing anything particularly interesting, which means that the camera is making the rounds, showing all the tributes. Aria will see Thresh in a moment.
The last remaining Career, the boy from two, is next, running through the fields of shoulder-high grains where Thresh has set himself up.
And then Aria, Sen, and Mrs. Kodans see Thresh in his little cave, so like the one the twelve pair have set themselves up in, except larger. The two backpacks rest against one wall. One with a 2, one with an 11. One that is rightfully his, one that is not.
And then the Career is there, armed with his spear, and they are fighting, but Thresh can't grab his knife. It is on the ground, and he can't reach it without giving the Career the opening he needs. And so it is Thresh's hands against the Career's spear.
When the spear enters Thresh's stomach, and he's gasping and bleeding and sliding to the ground, it is exactly like when the District one boy's spear entered little Rue Forbes' stomach, only the twelve girl was there to keep her safe and warm and sing to her. Thresh has no one there but his murderer, who is running off now, having grabbed both backpacks and the knife from the floor.
The camera follows him out of the cave, and suddenly Aria hears herself screaming and shouting and sobbing.
Aria hopes that Lorna from five, or even one of the star-crossed lovers from twelve, wins the Games, because for this Career to win would be horrible, sickening.
Sen has sunk to the ground, silent and wide-eyed. Mrs. Kodans, sitting quietly in a rocking chair now, has her face in her hands and her shoulders shake. Aria has stopped screaming and is looking back at the screen.
Thresh is being shown again, and he's still hanging on for now. Not gone yet.
Aria wishes she could be with him. She wishes she could speak to him one last time. Say good-bye for real.
I know what I'd say, she thinks to herself, watching him on the screen as his skin pales and his breathing shallows. I'd tell you how every moment not in front of the TV is agony, how I come home from school a complete wreck, not knowing whether or not you're still alive. I'd tell you that I never lost confidence in you, that I knew you'd be the one to come home right up until you didn't.
I'd tell you how much I love you, how much everyone here misses you.
I'd tell you that Rue didn't die like your cousin did, scared and alone, but with Twelve's sweet pretty voice granting her last wish. I know that that would comfort you. I would sing to you too, if only you could hear me.
I'd tell you that I should be there with you, but you know that. No, more than that, I'd remind you again how much I should be there instead of you. I would be, you know, if I could. I would volunteer for you just as fast as Twelve volunteered for her sister. Did you know that? It's true.
I'd tell you about how sad your sister and grandmother are. Isn't it ironic that the day I finally worked up the courage to come talk to them like you asked me to was the day you were killed?
And finally, I'd tell you that I know what you meant now when we said good-bye, and you told me you didn't want the Capitol to change you. You told me that you didn't want the Capitol to turn you into a heartless murderer, and I didn't understand that, but now I do, Thresh. I understand, and if I could, I'd tell you that it hasn't. The Capitol hasn't changed you. You are Thresh, from District 11, and you are strong and you will not murder children for fun, and I would tell you that, if only I could.
I really thought you were going to make it home. I wish I could tell you that. I wish I could tell you that you should have won.
The cannon fires, and Aria whimpers, wipes her eyes, and adds one more thing, just in case he can, somehow, hear her.
I'd tell you that I love you, Thresh. More than anything, I love you and I always, always will. I hope that you remembered that in the arena. I hope that when you were dying, you were thinking of all the people who love you, and thinking that nothing could ever separate you from them. Not miles nor years nor blood nor death, certainly not the Capitol's cruel, cruel Games. I'd tell you that no matter where you go, you will be surrounded by people who love you, and that you and I, we're for always.
If only I could tell you.
AN: I'm sorry if that whole thing at the end felt rambly, I'm sorry if the story feels like it starts off directionless, or if you feel like Thresh's death was too fast, or if you didn't feel like Mrs. Kodans was lacking in personality or dialogue , or if you had any other problems with it. It just kind of occurred to me, and I wanted to write it and share it with you guys. What do you think?