A/N: I'm actually not sure whether this was intended as crack or as serious, but you may take it either way. This is a dialogue fic, so imagination is key. You can even imagine Spock wearing a little school girl outfit if you so wish, although I wouldn't recommend that. ...Seriously. I don't recommend it. Thanks for reading, and remember that reviews make the world go round. :) Cheers!

Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine.

"I have been asked to report to sickbay, Doctor."

"I don't doubt it."

"You sent for me, I postulate."

"That would be the idea."

"Do you require assistance in some form?"

"No, I don't really think I do."

"Then, as I see no other course that should be undertaken, I am obliged to inform you of the fact that my health is in no way jeopardized."

"And I'm obliged to inform you that when a doctor tells you to get the hell over here and sit down, then you had better do it."

"Invariably. Is there a reason for this treatment of me, Doctor?"

"Oh, you bet there is. Regulation-required, mandatory health check. For the next two hours, you're under my jurisdiction, and you aren't setting one toe out of sickbay."

"If I'm not mistaken, Doctor, regulatory health examinations are held one year apart. My last physical examination was approximately 364.3 days ago, under your supervision."

"Dry up. So I'm a little early. My job is a good deal busier than yours is at the moment, and it's better than being late. At least you don't have every man from here to Taurus II coming to you and complaining about head and belly aches. I've never seen so many lazy excuses in my life. Sit down, I said."

"On the contrary, my duty states that I should be at my post during—"

"Shut up, you. You've been cleared by the Captain and relieved. There's no great use for you and your scanners while we're doing nothing but drifting through empty space. While you're up there loafing around and exercising your authority by staring at censors and flipping little switches, I'm down here curing the common lethargy. Gimme your wrist."

"I see no reason for you to be so bitter to the approach. Dealing with men who may or may not lie about their condition is not saving lives."

"Who're you to talk? It might as well be, and it's just as exhausting. Just last shift a man came in here complaining that he couldn't remember why he came, and if I could give him something for it. And yesterday, a security guard ambled in and sat right down and reported that his parakeet got loose on deck six, and that it was stuck in a shaft and pooping in the hall. Do I look like the lost and found to you? Do you know how many people come in here asking me to give them vaccines for homesickness and pills for paper cuts?"

"I would advise you to construct a formal complaint about the matter."

"To who? Jim…? He can't do anything about it, and he's got enough problems. To Starfleet…? They don't give a rat's ass about that sort of thing, and it's not what they're here for. I'm the CMO; it's my responsibility. Hold still for a second; this might hurt."

"…'might,' Doctor, is a term deriving from your exquisite use of understatement."

"Well, I'm glad you can admit it. Lie down, on your back."

"From my own experience, I can in all confidence enlighten you that my health is in perfect condition. As First Officer, I am—"

"You don't belong anywhere but right here with me. You got that, you green-blooded sea urchin? I'm the M.D. here, and I'll make the decisions. They don't call me 'Bones' for nothing. Oh, and did I mention that a girl came in here earlier to ask if I had any crackers? These people are going to drive me crazy; don't say I didn't warn you. I'm a doctor, not an old vending machine!"

"That does seem…highly illogical."

"At least we're in agreement there. Sorry if my hands are cold."

"Doctor…I would appreciate it if I were to be released in the utmost rapidity."

"I'm sure you would. For God's sakes, hold your horses. Not afraid of doctors, are we?"

"If by that you assume I experience the emotional response of alarm in the presence of those in your field of expertise, then no. Not only am I incapable of such a response, but it would be illogical for anyone to feel afraid of someone who might restore their health. I merely wish to return to my post at the earliest moment to your convenience."

"I should have known. Well, you're going to have to wait just like all the rest, Mr. Spock. Two hours isn't going to kill you. It would be making up for all the time you don't spend down here, as a matter of fact. What's the idea, avoiding me like that?"

" 'Avoiding,' Doctor? I had no intention of—"

"Garbage! I haven't seen you in three months, Spock! Three damn months! Honestly, I think I've seen the tooth fairy more often! And then you have the gall to come in here and act like you're all hunky-dory! If you're so sure that you're in perfect condition, then how do you explain that heart rate, Mr. Spock? Accelerated double the normal!"

"…Doctor McCoy, I stand by the fact that my health is absolutely nothing less than ordinary for my species."

"Oh, you do, do you? Look at it, you pointy-eared hopgoblin; you're lying on a biobed, and I'm a doctor!"

"…as you have flaunted flawlessly at any given chance. My heart rate does appear abnormally swift in comparison to a human's."

"Never mind that! I know you, Spock! I know you're heart! You've been a patient of mine enough times for me to know what is and isn't right by now; at least give me some credit."

"I do not affront your skill, Doctor. I will ask of you to step back, for approximately thirty seconds. Observe."

"Step back…? What is this, some crazy magic trick you're about to pull?"

"There is no trick. Further, if you please."

"Alright, alright. There's a good five feet. Anything else?"

"Yes. Your silence would be beneficial."

"Would it, now?"

…

"…my God…it's dropping. Spock, how did you do that?"

"I see further demonstration is required. Please continue your examination."

"Well, sure, but…Spock…it's speeding up again…it isn't…it's certainly not me, is it?"

"I believe it is."

"…but…you're a Vulcan!"

"Half, to be precise."

"You green-blooded little monster. Is that why you were avoiding me? All this time I thought… Why didn't you tell me? I'm a doctor, for the love of God!"

"As you never fail to mention. I do not see how that makes a valid connection."

"Nevermind! Spock, don't you realize…are you really that bad at reading human emotions?"

"Possibly, in the case of whatever it seems I have been unsuccessful in realizing."

"…huh. Alright, then. Roll over."

"You do not offer an explanation to what it is you refer."

"No, I don't. Don't worry; you'll know."

"Somehow, that answer does not provide the experience of satisfaction."

"I doubt it does. You know, Jim said the craziest thing to me the other day…and now I think I know what he meant."

"Doctor, that aspect of my anatomical structure is not subject to examination. May I make an inquiry as to what he said?"

"It's subject to my examination. Well, he told me that he was going to give me a considerable amount of time off-duty about six years and some odd number of months from now. I wanted to ask him what kind of joke he thought he was playing, but…he walked off before I could get to it. And the strangest thing—he winked at me."

"I think I may actually know what the Captain was attempting to hint towards."

"Yeah, me too. So…does this mean you'll be visiting sickbay a little more often?"

"Sickbay, yes, but…I would prefer a more…isolated setting."

"In that case, my quarters are always open. As a matter of fact, I insist. A little exercise is good for your heart, Mr. Spock."

"I'll keep that in mind, Doctor McCoy. Am I expected to report to your quarters each night?"

"Doctor's orders."