Heartache

Oneshot

Disclaimer: I do not own the Dead Poets Society. If I did, would I be writing this? Although I am pretty sure I own the ideas of what Neil wants to do to me.

A/N: I just suddenly felt the need to write this because of Blackbirdox's post with Todd. So I guess that means it's dedicated to her. I know I haven't been around in a while but college was getting really intense towards the end of the semester. I've just started summer classes. So this shall be interesting. Anyhow, enjoy and review, please!

Neil isn't sure just how much more he can take. He can't recall when this all happened. When it all started to take place. The idea of being more than just friends with Todd suddenly appeared in his mind one day as if it had always been there. They had bonded quickly and knew each other better than anyone else did. He supposed it made sense. The idea had been toyed with for a little over a month before he had put his plan into action. I want to see if I can make him love me. The only problem? Todd already did. He had for the longest time and now Neil was playing with fire.

The saying of, "don't mess with fire because you'll get burned" had never really clicked before. What fire? Neil wasn't an idiot to play with actual fire. The thought of using a match actually made him uneasy. He had always been afraid that he would somehow burn himself because that's just how the world worked for him. But ever since he and Todd became an item, well, it was all too clear. The fire wasn't literally fire. Fire was romance. Fire was love. And fire was passion. The first few months had been great. Things had been better than ever before. And he loved it. He loved that Todd confessed his love first. He loved that Todd was always there whenever he wanted. He loved that Todd was his. And he just loved that Todd loved him.

Love had always interested Neil. Is falling for your best friend wrong? Is falling for your best friend, which just so happened to be the same gender, wrong? He had never been strongly religious. He'd never had complete doubts that there was no such thing as God. But Neil was struggling. He was struggling with what he actually believed in. He was struggling with this being against the Bible and against his religion. But if love is so right and if our sins were forgiven, could this be okay? It's an ongoing battle and Neil is now certain that it has become part of the problem. If only God could have literally written out what he wanted. It'd be so much easier that maybe then the world would be a much better place in general.

His love had been so steady and strong for Todd that he had never even guessed if it was untrue. He just felt the sudden need to tell his lover one-day that it burst out of him. Since that confession things had been even happier. Neil had been the happiest he'd been in his life and it was all thanks to Todd. The fire so far was warm and inviting. He couldn't see where it was able to burn. All until that inkling of doubt invested in his gut. So many people he knew were having relationship troubles. Stories, plays, dramas and more were all about love and guessing on feelings. It was stupid. God, did Neil know it was stupid. But he toyed with that idea and he got burned. And once he was burned, the fire spread to Todd and the whole thing was up in flames.

Pressure. Neil could take a lot of things and use them to push forward. He was good at moving along but lately the pressure was just too fucking much. Trouble was coming from him at every angle. Good grades in school were what he had to live for. It made him shine in his household if for even just five minutes. Sometimes it earned him a dinner at a nice restaurant with his parents. Sometimes it got him awards and recognized by the school staff. Overall, he did it because he knew his parents would be so disappointed otherwise. Well our son has a perfect GPA. He's going to be a doctor. He's going to do so well in the world. Isn't that right, darling? His parents bragged. Oh, did they brag about him to other parents, friends and family members. If he got anything less than what they wanted, he was afraid of letting them down. He couldn't do anything without their permission. What was so wrong with acting? He loved it so maybe that was why they suppressed it. They never listened. Neil talked and talked and talked and talked. And still, they only heard what they wanted. That was that. No matter what he wanted or said, it was never right. They had to control him and he had to be okay with being controlled. But really, on the inside, he wasn't dealing well with it. The pressure was closing in on him from school, his family and even his heart's desires. Neil always took on too much and he was starting drown. There was no end in sight. As the years were to go on, he knew it would only get worse.

Perfection. He knew he was a perfectionist. It had been ingrained into him since a child and now he just had to be the best. Part of it was his parents' fault but then a lot of it was him as well. Things just didn't feel right unless they were as they should be. And the fact that Todd thinks he's perfect both warms him and scares him at the same time. He loves being the one that Todd revolves around and believes can do no wrong. At the same time however, he isn't so sure anyone can be truly perfect and he's worried he's going to fuck up. He already has so many times before. Things that should've been said that weren't. Things that slipped out on purpose to stab with during an argument. Neil couldn't be certain how many times he'd caused Todd to cry but he knew it was already one too many. How was this perfect? Was he, Neil Perry, all that he was cracked up to be? No, he wasn't so sure if he was. Which made this even harder.

He'd never had to be someone's everything before. At the start it had been all so new and wonderful. Neil was ready to take on the task and let it rest on his shoulders. But then life sets in and has a way of ruining things. Family pressures, deaths, bad scores, outside influences and even other relationship options began to run their course. Neil had always seen himself as invincible. Which was why it was easy to be with Todd. The boy was sensitive and shy. He needed someone to break him out from that shell. Did it frustrate him? Hell yes it frustrated him at times but at others, he stayed calm and quietly prodded. Being someone's only one was difficult yet rewarding and thrilling all at the same time. And it caused a greater need for perfection.

While their relationship was going downhill from his doubt things got incredibly hard. Awkwardness that had never been there before was settling in. Fights, which honestly, had never really happened before were becoming more and more common. He understood Todd's need to know if he needed to move on or continue to love. He wished he could give him his answer already. But he just couldn't. To admit to not loving him would be a crime. To admit to loving him again would be wonderful. But while picking one of these while still being uncertain would most certainly become a death sentence for the both of them. So here they were. In the middle of a relationship with so much potential yet so many ways to destroy them both. And he had the deciding factor. And again he was slowly drowning as the pressures weighed in. But this was the one he had to face and he would. If not only for himself, for the boy who was there for him through everything.

And the part that Neil wasn't sure he could take much more of? It was hurting Todd. He could see it in the way he wrote. The way he talked to him and the way his tone was. Even sometimes when Todd just sat and listened and Neil rambled, he could feel the pain radiating from him. And it made him feel so guilty. He always demanded what was wrong. Even if there wasn't another outside source it was always wrong. Even if Todd didn't realize it. And then, that tended to throw them into another argument and Neil got angry. So wildly angry and annoyed that he could barely stand it. But even when he wanted to scream and just end it all for one final time he couldn't. Why not? Because Todd was his everything. And if he lost his everything then he'd finally lose himself. Neil wasn't even sure if he knew himself yet. There was so much he was discovering and so unsure of. If Todd loved me enough, he'd let me go. But did Neil really want that? Yes, he was independent. Yes, he needed his space. Yes, he didn't want to feel tied down. He wanted to be free. Because everything else in his life just wasn't. But in the end, it was still nice to have someone to come back to. Time and time again. No matter what he said or did, Todd didn't budge and he realized he needed this in his life. A strong, sturdy base. Simply Todd.

He puts Todd through hell and back. He goes to him at all hours of the day and night. Neil even begs him to stay up late with him just because he doesn't feel like going to sleep yet. And Todd always did as Neil asked. All it took was a smile or a simple encouragement and he won. And wow, did Neil love winning. At times Neil isn't even sure if the hell was called for or not but he wasn't easy to calm down. Maybe he was secretly enjoying it and didn't even realize it? Or maybe he just didn't get enough sleep and he was slowly cracking from the stress in his life? So he unleashed it on the one person who wouldn't desert him even if he told him to. Todd.

Even if Neil acts like he'd be totally fine on his own and without Todd, it's a lie. So much of his life has now revolved around the other boy that a simple book can remind him of him. Todd has made an imprint in his mind and heart and he can't seem to let it go. Some days are harder than others are. They can go for a few days without a problem and then suddenly, Todd is too sensitive or Neil is too wound up and they clash. They're such opposites and they complete each other. But at the same time they can tear down every single wall and hit where it hurts. And they do. In the end, toying with fire really wasn't such a good idea but it has become his life and he cannot regret it. How can someone regret something that used to make him or her happy? That still can make them happy. With or without the doubt that day.

And whenever a day starts or draws to an end, Neil knows what to expect. That Todd is there and in easy reach the entire time. He supposes that if there was ever a time that didn't happen it'd be strange. That if he ever really lost him he wouldn't know what to do with himself. But so far there hasn't been much of a threat so he just keeps on with what they are. In a relationship on the rocks, but in one nonetheless. One day at a time is all he can promise and it's one he is trying to keep. Desperately. And when it's finally time to try and get a good night's rest, those three simple words cause an ocean to pour out between them.

I love you.

I love you, too.

Todd says it and means it with all his heart. And Todd knows that Neil means it as well but at the moment, it's just in a way of friendship. It's also in response to the unsure, tentative love that Neil is sure has to be there. Somewhere. And Neil does love him. He just doesn't know to what extent at the moment and he's hoping he figures it out before they both go insane. Because if Todd is his everything, isn't that love? It has to be; and Neil is longing to finally figure that out.