Hey whassup homies this is a new story comin at ya from the double duo of Crusty Bum and Hairy Buttocks. Yeah but like kiddies might find this obscene cuz there's like swearing banging and killing and like west side against east. Violence is a terrible thing, man.

Badass Farmers

Part One; Cecil in da Hood

Cecil "Yo-Yo Knickers" Harvey had had a great time at the maximum-security borstal, but like all good things, it was time for it to come to an end. Cecil was ready to move on. He remembered wistfully the gang warfare in the exercise yard, all the female councillors he'd banged, their legs draped lovingly over the desk, high heels flung off in a fit of passion. Stubby "One-Ear," who he'd graduated into Stubby "No-Ears" with the aid of a trusty hack saw. Then there were all the boys who'd come in because of a bit of graffiti, and left hardened criminals, due to Cecil's dope-selling program. Cecil was proud of this; he thought it important to do your bit for society.

Ah, these were the days memories were made of. But Cecil was tired of the garish grey and yellow overalls the inmates were squeezed, rammed and zipped into, regardless if their skin tone clashed. For Cecil was a man of style, selling hash on the side since he was nine years old to keep him in Nike trainers and Addidas hoodies.

"Well," said Liza, his favourite councillor, as he splayed her out over the filing cabinet. "What do you think about a farmer's clothes instead? I think you'd look smoking in a straw hat." She pulled out a creased advert from underneath her voluptuous buttocks and slid it to him. Cecil glanced down.

-Exciting Ranch Program-

Hosted in Flower Bud Valley

Helping reformed characters integrate into society

"Sweet as a nutmeg," Cecil said, before tossing the advert aside over his shoulder and doing Liza like a powerdrill.

A Lamborghini screeched through the fields as Cecil powered into Flower Bud Valley, pausing to shred up the Mayor's garden, skidding crop circles and spraying mud and turnips over the freshly washed windows.

The Mayor ran outside, crying, "Young man, are you alright? You seem to have lost control of your automobile!"

Cecil lowered his ice blue shades. "Shut up, bitch." He clicked a chrome plated switch and activated the bunny hops, bouncing up and down the garden and cranking up the rap music.

The Mayor smiled on cordially.

"So you are Mr Cecil Harvey, for the Exciting Ranch Program?"

"That's Cecil Yo-Yo Knickers to you, asswipe."

"Mr Yo-Yo Knickers." Still smiling, he approached the Diablo and peered inside. "What a nice station wagon. It looks expensive."

"Not really. I nicked it."

The Mayor laughed and clapped him on the back. "What a delightful sense of humour! I see we're going to get on just swell Mr Yo-Yo Knickers. Now tell me, how did a lovely young man like you end up in a borstal? Did you take penny sweets without paying?" He waggled his finger chastisingly.

"Nahh man it was nothin' really. I just tortured a coupla' bastards who didn't cough up on their dope money y'know? Chopped off a couple of fingers and toes. Don't know why the pigs made such a big deal really."

The Mayor chuckled. "I can see you're going to get on splendidly with everyone. Oh—Maria. Say hello dear. This is Mr Yo-Yo Knickers."

Just then, a girl ducked out of the house, hiding behind her dark hair, her grey puritan dress not displaying a slice of ankle. She blushed and looked down modestly. "This is my daughter Maria," the Mayor said. "Feel free to court her."

Cecil stared at Maria wolfishly. He could almost feel the double D breasts hidden by all that baggy material, and it just made him hornier. "Ooooohhhhhh yeahhhhh." He activated the bunny hops again, jumping two feet out of the car each time.

Maria blushed and ran inside.

Cecil flicked his fingers. "I'm in there."

The Mayor showed Cecil round his new home, assessing his new wooden shack, deciding it was just begging to become the village's first (sorely needed) ganja den. He saw with delight the five prime acres perfect for growing cannibis. The Mayor had thought of everything; he'd even included an outhouse he'd called "the shipping box" and a tool chest full of weapons which were almost baying for blood.

But in the end, Cecil hit a few bits of wood with a hammer, and then got bored and spent the rest of the day getting completely wasted in somebody's cabbage patch. He happily watched pink puffy machete's float by in the clouds, but was constantly disturbed by the goody-two-shoes villagers, who insisted introducing themselves and giving him fruit baskets.

"Nice to meet you. I'm Basil—"

"Fuck off."

"I've brought you some medicinal herbs—"

"Are they ganja?"

"No…"

"Then fuck off."

A few minutes passed in blessed silence. Cecil put a hand in front of face and said, "Wow, I can see the whole universe in my palm man." But then—

"Hi. I'm Joe."

Cecil threw himself up with an udulating cry, and chased after Joe with a sickle.

Some hours later, after hiding the dead body, Cecil thought it was about time to show these punks who was boss. Leaning out of the side of his lambo, twiddling the megaphone up to max, he bellowed out, "Fuck you! Fuck you! I just want to fuck you! Fuck you! Fuck you!"

The blacksmith called back, "Good evening!"

Eve said, "Hello!"

Doug; "Welcome to the village!"

Cecil cranked the megaphone from Obscenely Loud to Gastronomically Loud. "I JUST WANT TO FUCK FUCK FUCK YOU!"

"Fuck yourself, bastard! And turn that that fucking thing down!" It was a small funny looking man in a poncho, glaring like a bulldog. Or was it a woman?

Cecil's eyes swivelled round, and as he did, little hearts popped out of his eyes and swirled round the little man's head. He staggered out of the Lambo and crawled up to him.

"Hi," he whispered.

"Fuck off," said the man.

Cecil was entranced.

"Are you a man or a woman?" he asked.

The man looked him up and down, before smiling approvingly. "I have both." He wriggled his eyebrows at him.

Cecil hooked his arm round Jamie's. "How do you fancy entering into a business partnership? I want to turn this town upside down. You think you can convince some of the girls to sell themselves for weed?"

Jamie looked up at Cecil from under his eyelashes. "Don't worry; they're all secretly massive sluts. Nina licked my nipples in the back of the tool shed yesterday."

And with that, he kissed him passionately on the lips.

"I can see this is going to be the start of a beautiful friendship," said Cecil.

TO BE CONTINUED…